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Rena's Golden Land
- Author AprilR
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I hurt so many people whom tried to help me or love me. I hated myself too much, i did not know i could accept it.
I am sorry for everyone who could love someone like me. You are all wonderful people and i hope you can forgive me and forget about me. I am so grateful to you and i wish for your...
I have to get used to being alone. My parents who are in their 70s still act like they will live forever. When i ask them how to do certain things they do it in my stead. For exanple i have no idea how to pay taxes. I asked mom how to do it and she said we will do it together.
I guess they...
No one ever helps no one can see how much difficulty i am having. I cannot do this anymore. I can't live with the fear of not being able to find another job. I thought i could make it without working but i developed ocd and life was hell with it. I need something to distract me but this job is...
Once in a while i get back to my old obsessions and some ships just captivate me. Like, Takumi/Reira. Childhood friends turned lovers? Us against the world? Brooding man/gentle girl? It has everything and more.
It is about a horrible person who is completely aware of what he is and makes no...
All my life has been one way sympathies. Me trying to respond to other people's kindness without having anything to give. I don't have worth according to them. I accept this without hating myself but being with them is hard. Their subconscious feelings affect me too hard and make me feel...
In the past i begged for people's attention and love. Faking a personality and hiding everything i am, trying to win the prize of people's tolerance. It made me hate myself all the more since i had to work hard for it, it means i am naturally defective, ugly and disgusting. I also felt guilty...
While i feel lonely sometimes, my oldest emotion is the want to be alone. Because when you are alone there is no shame. No disgusting other people and dirtying them.
When i think of the present time, this thought does not make much sense but it persists. Like all feelings i wont deny this one...
When experiencing a hardship i cannot talk to anyone about it. Bc they dont know i am autistic and if they knew who knows what will they do to me.. I wish i had a protector - mentor in my life.
I try to be self reliant but sometimes the negativity becomes too heavy for me to carry. I try to...
I got reminded of that David Bowie song.
Burnout and started crying at the office last friday. I had to leave early because i felt too angry.
I am crying now because i had to leave work. Bc of this office i got some self esteem, but the workload is too much for me. I feel so sorry for my...
Remembering you and the feelings i felt at the time. Loving you was like paradise to me, with its good and bad.
I felt like now that i know there is someone like you in the world, someone with a heart of gold i can bear all the unhappiness i will endure from now on. Maybe i idealized you too...
Had a dream in which i was chasing the feeling of my youth. I went to the places that i went as a child, rode a scooter, i was looking my cousin that i was close to when i was a child. I chatted with her and told her about my memories of childhood. I asked to go to the art course i used to go...
Nowadays i am always exhausted. I have a job but i still don't have any friends at work. The people around me seem so energetic and they do everything so fast. They seem to run on an instinctual path as opposed to me, stumbling in the dark barely seeing anything or understanding what anything...
I guess when you experience everything alone, without having anyone to share your happiness and sadness you start to gaslight yourself into the thought that" its all in your head" your problems are not real,, your feelings are not real and its still not real when you cannot eat from anxiety and...
The day started out bad but got better in the evening when my friend and her 5 yo daughter dropped by. She seems to like me even though i am not a particularly nurturing or empathetic person. Actually most children seem to like me for some strange reason. Maybe bc i am honest and childlike too...
I got made fun of by a family friend today, bc of my beliefs. Than another person chimes in talking about how someone famous wrote an article about how god doesn't exist and bla bla.
I guess, congratulations since you can stand this life without getting suicidal and hating yourself...
I am obsessed despite the shortcomings of this show. Despite that it doesn't give that 70s feeling. Like, Daisy and Billy writing all these songs for each other, constantly seeing through each other's feelings, AND somehow performing them on stage while HATING each others guts and how the other...
I am sometimes overwhelmed by some thoughts and feelings that i can't explain. Like things resonate with me that i understand well in my soul. Unexpressed, unknown, known only to me and my creator.
I am proud of myself these times, that no one will be able to see these thoughts and feelings and...
I want to get fired so i can finally rest a little. It feels like weekends just pass by and i never feel well rested.
My job is too fast paced, and i am too slow. I am also regularly feeling angry and numb and don't have time or energy to socialize with my coworkers any more.
Today was so hard...
I dream about tellin my mom everything. Why it was so hard for me to make friends, my first love and how he made me feel like life is worth living. How my memories Somehow seemed more real than reality. Its sad that that life will never come back, but whats sadder is i won't ever be able to talk...
My mom is ill with vertigo. They don't know the cause yet. I hope its nothing bad, i sort of couldn't process what happened when my dad explained today.
I Wonder what will happen to me when my mom dies. I don't have any friends, siblings or close relatives. My parents are all i have in this...