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Rena's Golden Land

AprilR
1 min read
Views
11
Personal
I wonder if i will ever be able to act like myself again. Whenever i make up my mind people show their ugliness to me so casually i am filled with hatred and fear. And i want to keep myself hidden from the world until i die. Because whenever i think oh people are not that terrible they exceed my...
AprilR
1 min read
Views
36
Personal
I am always pretending i am normal, and i have friends and a social circle and i can relate to people. I am always pretending i am smarter than i am and i fear someday people will find out the truth. I might ruin my employer's business. I used to have a best friend that i talked everyday but...
AprilR
1 min read
Views
41
Personal
To me, love is something more than caring for someone. When someone can see through your soul, understand you intuitively and makes you feel alive. I have lots of memories like this, people that come and go from my life, some were friends, others mere acquaintances. I never let them see me fully...
AprilR
1 min read
Views
185
Comments
1
Personal
I feel awful inside but numb outside. Its like the anxiety and nausea is inside an ice shell. I hope it will pass soon. I said what i meant to my friend and it did not end well. I had to mask but i was too anxious and i let it slip. I am beginning to think she will not call or message me...
AprilR
1 min read
Views
92
Personal
I was apathetic for a few days and a bit depressed. Listening to this song on a mix, i started crying Somehow. Thinking of my own life, my father's and how hard it has been for both of us. Still, there are people who live with a greater loneliness and pain than us. We are one of the luckier...
AprilR
1 min read
Views
105
Personal
I hurt so many people whom tried to help me or love me. I hated myself too much, i did not know i could accept it. I am sorry for everyone who could love someone like me. You are all wonderful people and i hope you can forgive me and forget about me. I am so grateful to you and i wish for your...
AprilR
1 min read
Views
78
Personal
I have to get used to being alone. My parents who are in their 70s still act like they will live forever. When i ask them how to do certain things they do it in my stead. For exanple i have no idea how to pay taxes. I asked mom how to do it and she said we will do it together. I guess they...
AprilR
1 min read
Views
431
Comments
5
Personal
No one ever helps no one can see how much difficulty i am having. I cannot do this anymore. I can't live with the fear of not being able to find another job. I thought i could make it without working but i developed ocd and life was hell with it. I need something to distract me but this job is...
AprilR
1 min read
Views
78
Television Shows
Once in a while i get back to my old obsessions and some ships just captivate me. Like, Takumi/Reira. Childhood friends turned lovers? Us against the world? Brooding man/gentle girl? It has everything and more. It is about a horrible person who is completely aware of what he is and makes no...
AprilR
1 min read
Views
101
Reaction score
1
Personal
All my life has been one way sympathies. Me trying to respond to other people's kindness without having anything to give. I don't have worth according to them. I accept this without hating myself but being with them is hard. Their subconscious feelings affect me too hard and make me feel...
AprilR
1 min read
Views
229
Reaction score
1
Comments
1
Personal
In the past i begged for people's attention and love. Faking a personality and hiding everything i am, trying to win the prize of people's tolerance. It made me hate myself all the more since i had to work hard for it, it means i am naturally defective, ugly and disgusting. I also felt guilty...
AprilR
1 min read
Views
138
Reaction score
1
Personal
While i feel lonely sometimes, my oldest emotion is the want to be alone. Because when you are alone there is no shame. No disgusting other people and dirtying them. When i think of the present time, this thought does not make much sense but it persists. Like all feelings i wont deny this one...
When experiencing a hardship i cannot talk to anyone about it. Bc they dont know i am autistic and if they knew who knows what will they do to me.. I wish i had a protector - mentor in my life. I try to be self reliant but sometimes the negativity becomes too heavy for me to carry. I try to...
AprilR
1 min read
Views
543
Reaction score
1
Comments
2
General
I got reminded of that David Bowie song. Burnout and started crying at the office last friday. I had to leave early because i felt too angry. I am crying now because i had to leave work. Bc of this office i got some self esteem, but the workload is too much for me. I feel so sorry for my...
AprilR
1 min read
Views
209
Reaction score
1
Personal
Remembering you and the feelings i felt at the time. Loving you was like paradise to me, with its good and bad. I felt like now that i know there is someone like you in the world, someone with a heart of gold i can bear all the unhappiness i will endure from now on. Maybe i idealized you too...
AprilR
1 min read
Views
210
Reaction score
1
General
Had a dream in which i was chasing the feeling of my youth. I went to the places that i went as a child, rode a scooter, i was looking my cousin that i was close to when i was a child. I chatted with her and told her about my memories of childhood. I asked to go to the art course i used to go...
AprilR
2 min read
Views
203
Reaction score
1
Personal
Nowadays i am always exhausted. I have a job but i still don't have any friends at work. The people around me seem so energetic and they do everything so fast. They seem to run on an instinctual path as opposed to me, stumbling in the dark barely seeing anything or understanding what anything...
AprilR
1 min read
Views
269
Reaction score
1
Personal
I guess when you experience everything alone, without having anyone to share your happiness and sadness you start to gaslight yourself into the thought that" its all in your head" your problems are not real,, your feelings are not real and its still not real when you cannot eat from anxiety and...
AprilR
1 min read
Views
249
Reaction score
1
Personal
The day started out bad but got better in the evening when my friend and her 5 yo daughter dropped by. She seems to like me even though i am not a particularly nurturing or empathetic person. Actually most children seem to like me for some strange reason. Maybe bc i am honest and childlike too...
AprilR
1 min read
Views
357
Reaction score
4
Personal
I got made fun of by a family friend today, bc of my beliefs. Than another person chimes in talking about how someone famous wrote an article about how god doesn't exist and bla bla. I guess, congratulations since you can stand this life without getting suicidal and hating yourself...

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AprilR
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