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Rena's Golden Land
- Author AprilR
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My dad will have surgery in january. Meanwhile my mom had an angioplasty today. She is in the hospital now. I don't know what to feel really. It is hard to see my parents getting old and sick. I wish i was the one getting ill sometimes, i don't feel healthy inside anyway
I don't want to live...
I keep dreaming of a world in which i am accepted as i am. Like i tell my (non existent) friends and family, i am like this because of autism and they go "it must have been hard to hide and adapt for so long, you don't have to push yourself or try so hard anymore. We will be with you"
It will...
From childhood, i was always scared of the world and people. But this is not only anxiety, more like noticing the evil in people's hearts and seeing their ugliness behind smiling faces. It baffles me how easy cruelty and deception comes to people. Strangely, i felt like i was the ugly and...
I am so tired from not being able to breath well, nausea, fatigue, brain fog etc. I just want to live like everyone else. Even 34 years was too long for me. I am so tired and i dont feel safe anywhere
I feel like i don't deserve some of the things i have. But i believe in God and believe this life is a test. So i convince myself it is not a matter of deserving.
Maybe some people deserve the things i have but that is not my problem. Everything is up to God in life. I am trying to not take...
I live my life, but from time to time i dream of the magical time in my life and the people i will never see again.
I know even if i were to meet that people again, those moments in time will never come back and they will no longer stir anything in me.
I just wish i can return back to that...
Translation of a song i love. I really like translating things, be it from english or another language. Song lyrics in particular.
I thought about you last night again.
An eternal hope filled me.
Than i thought about myself
A strange kind of feeling came upon me.
Like when you are walking...
I don't want to think badly about myself anymore. I am depressed, living with a different neurology in a third world country without any kind of help, empathy and a sliver of compassion. People are like hungry vultures, looking for weak people to prey upon. I dont want any part in this kind of life
I don't think i have felt safe anywhere, with anyone. Except maybe one of my ex friends. She was so understanding and non judgmental. I was not afraid of being myself with her. But we are no longer friends.
I feel afraid and stressed in my everyday life. I feel like people will take advantage...
I want to be alone and not need anyone. I am tired of being hopeful. I am tired of hurting people without even knowing what i did. I am tired of the guilt. I want to live and die alone and in peace. I don't want anymore guilt on my conscience. I wish the people i met, like my friends never met...
I believe Everything happens for a reason. If i lose a friend it was meant to happen.
I was masking with her a lot, trying to overcome my anxiety about unexpected situations. But she thrives on unexpected situations and seeks them out, even dangerous ones. I am too stressed to try to fit in...
I dont want to deal with everything alone when my parents die. I feel like i had enough of life and don't want to do anything more. I am done. I am latching on to meaningless people in case they will help me or be with me when something bad happens. I don't want to experience this once more.
I think of suicide as a sin but sometimes i cannot help but feel like it would be good if i get sick with a terminal illness and die soon.
I sometimes feel all alone in the Earth, no mother and father who is there for me. No friends who see the real me and support me.
My therapist did not put up...
Sometimes i am too present in my body, and the anxiety overwhelms me. Other times, mostly at night i reminisce about old times, and the few people who made me feel alive. I am thankful to those people who are not in my life anymore. When i remember them my life feels like a dream, or like it is...
Today i had an interview for the second time since i started my job hunt. As opposed to my previous experience, this time the employer was very kind, respectful and all around seemed like a very nice person to be around. She also did not seem to find my salary expectations too much. I still have...
I can honestly say that my childhood has been horrible. Trying to live all alone without anyone to depend on was horrible.
Parenting your own parents, along with yourself and being their marriage counselor was horrible.
Being all alone with my problems and suicidal thoughts was horrible...
Nowadays i am feeling calm and accepting of what fate has in store with me. I still have the fear of suicide deep inside me but even that does not make me anxious. I will try to endure what life will bring me and i pray it won't be too painful.
What i want to stop doing is making extra effort...
I went to a concert yesterday. It was a band from my childhood, that i disliked in the past bc it reminded me of my childhood years.
Somehow, i actually liked one of the songs. I was listening to it today, again.
Today reading about the love between the solist and his girlfriend. The song he...