Asperger's & Autism Forum

Hi, erm, this is a biggy. Is there anyone there that would like to discuss chronic depression with me? I’ve had it for 7+ years and it just hurts so very very badly. The pain is just unbearable at times and I wondered if anyone could relate. It is a chemical imbalance that no one has been able to help me with and yes, I do have other issues that contribute but it seems as though it will always be there regardless of how much headway I make with the other issues. I know it’s off topic but I’d love to connect with someone else who feels this horrendous pain and can’t get away from it. It really is torture and it takes every ounce of my strength and any joy or peace or happiness away from my daily life. Please only answer if you’ve been there. I can’t bear to hear ‘you’ll get through it’ and such like. I’m in way too deep and too long for being fobbed off. I’m sorry if that sounds rude. I just need people who can truly relate over long sustained periods because this is chronic and...

As long as I could remember, I have always got along better with adults rather than people my age. Adults are more understanding and interesting than teenagers. Other teens extremely annoy me and I can't stand them. I can't relate to them at all. I only have 1 friend in the whole universe and he is a internet friend and a adult. Though I keep getting told by various adults that i have to stop hating all of the other teenagers.

1. Why should I? Why should I have to put up with these stupid morons!?

2. If I do decide to stop hating the others, how? It just seems impossible to forgive them.

My test is on the 28th, so I will head there after my college class (I luckily only have one class on Fridays). I know where the place is now, but I will still use Maps just to be safe. One thing worries me: What if he says I'm not autistic? During the intake appointment, I told him the signs I had and still have, growing up. I even showed him the purple gloves an occupational therapist used to calm me down as a child by rubbing my arm with those gloves on. I threw in my sensitive hearing as the major problem. I can list all of my signs:

Lack of social skills/trouble with people

Shimming/Self Stimulation (Shaking my foot, rocking back and forth, biting/chewing things (especially like wood chips, cardboard, or paper that smell/taste good, but I got this product called a Chew Stixx to keep me from chewing and cracking my pen tops), sticking my fingers in my ears after a loud noise hurts me, bobbing or shaking my head.)

Sensory Processing Disorder: Sensitivity to Light, Touch,...

I know why my word does not count; but doesn't make it any easier to deal with.

So today, I go to see my psychiatrist and have decided that it has to be my husband who brings up the possibility of me being on the spectrum.

What I know about my husband is that if he lacks belief, he will not support and although yes, that is fair enough, it does not mean his lack of believing is fair all the time and twice I have suggest autism to professionals ( both females), I have been laughed at and my husband has joined in the ridicule ie I keep telling her that this, but she is convinced, so may be you can convince her?

I had to remind him of my appointment later on and he was so lukewarm about it all, in truth, it did not imbibe confidence that he will support me.

He went off to work and not long after that, I got a text to say that he is sorry I feel no confidence in him and perhaps if I send him an email telling him what I want from him, that will help to convince me that he is on my...

I don't bother telling people anymore. Many days I don't believe I'm autistic myself. I wonder if its a personality or anxiety thing. I wrote some stuff about how I relate to people. Feedback would be appreciated.

People are hard, I need to invest an enormous amount of energy into understanding basic things. I use scripts to help me. My scripts are incredibly complex. Like instruction manuals or algorithms built from the ground up to deal with very specific things like, gestures, tones of voice, phrases.

Combining countless numbers of these scripts together allows me to react appropriately to a specific situations.

In an ideal situation scripts allow me to function well enough to make it through encounters. In a not so ideal situation I don’t have the required scripts available and am forced to go off road and or use scripts not suited to the situation.

(people x environment x actions being taken = effectiveness of script)

New people, new environments and unfamiliar actions...

Does anyone else experience rapid heart beat and shortness of breath when they want to say something to someone?

It's frustrating and I never knew before why this would happen. Years ago on a date we were walking and I was so out of breath it was hard to say anything. I noticed that the same thing would happen just sitting somewhere and talking. I would try to hide my shortness of breath and try to control my breathing to make it appear normal, which just makes it worse - a couple times I passed out. LOL

In team meetings at work, in Bible studies, school, where ever, I would spend most my time thinking "Please don't ask me to participate verbally" and when it came my turn to read or answer a question, it was hard trying to cover up my shortness of breath and do what they want. I walked out of a couple team meetings.

Now that I know about the autism, I pay more attention to what's going on inside. I still get short of breath when I want to say something and I've noticed...

What are your personal red flags for a romantic relationship or even a friendship?

A few of mine would be:

Being passive aggressive instead of directly addressing a problem and then getting mad at me for not reading their mind.
Overly clingy. I don't mind a little clinginess, but I do need some space and time to myself.
Not respecting my boundaries or my personal space even after making them clear.
Treats waiters, waitresses, cashiers, etc like garbage.
Has a victim mentality about everything, even when they could be at fault. Or has a martyr complex.
Possessive and/or controlling. It's not cute, it's not loving, it's just plain creepy and weird.
Expects more from me than they give back.

I suppose it's a good thing that I've lost so much weight that I will need new briefs and pants, but that means going to the mall. Shopping malls always make me think of the old Onion article about a Tenth Circle being added to Hell.

I try to wear clothes for as long as possible, and only own 8 briefs, 8 pairs of socks, 8 shirts, and 2 pairs of khaki pants. I own 8 so I have clothes to wear during the weekly laundry. Did I mention one of my shirts is falling apart and will need to be replaced too? And I need new socks since mine are getting full of holes again?

I realize that clothes today are made to last as little time as possible, and that modern fashion dictates a full wardrobe replacement every month or so. (This last part seems directed primarily at women.) I still try to make clothes last anyway.

So it's off to a gigantic barn specially made to strip dumb people of money they don't have for clothes that last 30 days. Muzak, terrible food, and groups of young NT women...

Basically i've reached a point where i have gotten into a routine.

I have the time to get involved in lots of different things but i don't. I have some challenges holding me back. One is that i do have M.E / CFS and generally feel ill every day although i'm mobile and can do lots of things still. However, constantly being around people and being 'forced' to interact is not only extremely stressful due to my HFA but when you feel ill on top of that then it's not a pleasant experience.

In addition i have pretty bad anxiety and panic disorder and speaking to people a lot often makes these worse and unbearable in some cases depending on the scenario.

Finally there is a maladaptive schema which i developed during adolescence and which seems to have been made worse by my autism. This schema is basically a deep distrust of other people, a deep sorrow within when i see around me on a daily basis just what morons people can be and how many repulsive behavioural traits many of them have...

What would an ASD friendly world look like and is it possible? I understand the question is generic but as I understand how vast the spectrum is I just know the answers are just as vast.