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Blog Entries

  1. Aspie and into Communication

    So, I'm thinking I am aspie. But I wonder if connecting, or relationships, can be a "thing" for an aspie girl. I am extroverted, too, since I have more energy when I've been around people. Communicating was very hard for me throughout my childhood. I could speak, but often came across as rude, and got in trouble a lot. I learned to watch my mouth, but I don't think it was soley in the interest of avoiding spankings. I was very interested in how people communicate, and still am. The actors...
  2. Focusing on that which only I can do

    A possible new focus....one I don't want to forget while overwhelmed. It seems throughout life, whatever I tried, however I tried...I just have always had a much harder time than others in being socially accepted and liked. It has gotten better, for sure - but it's always stinging to realize....yeah, I've only just crossed over to the other side of the tracks, it's not like I am well-liked, I am still always in that social danger zone of dropping off a social cliff. There's no use in...
  3. It gets better

    A brief gush about my recovery from a near-fatal suicide attempt.
  4. 13/12/2017 Submit, or bite back?

    Is it me? or is it them? small question is stature, but not in the insurmountable amount of facts gathered on both sides. Too much in order to make a proper conclusion without it being grey. I guess that is just what life is, never a singular answer, always murky unknowing grey. Is it me, or them? I am sorry, I have a strong us vs them mentality. No, I have to admit, I don't run the diagnosis to the singular sympotom, but I can firmly admit that I am Narcisitic as an explanitory....
  5. Not feeling emotional about babies....

    My co-workers are always teasing the childless women about how it's their turn to have a baby. I've tried not to make a big thing of it, but I find it highly inappropriate. I even divulged more than I would like to have about my health condition in an effort to discourage it - but they still see it as fair game I suppose because they don't do it with ill-intentions, and....I think making a big thing of it - that is, in my opinion, simply asserting my thoughts/feelings/reasoning, but that...
  6. Phone triage?

    I've been on sertraline for five or six days now. It's more effective than laxatives for assisting digestive transit and I go through phases of feeling too nauseous to eat anything and wanting to eat everything if it stands still long enough, food, carpets, small children. My diaphragm feels constricted, I catch myself holding my breath, the bite pressure excerpted across my molars is phenomenal and gives me neck and headaches and my left hand is curling tensely into my body. I'm not aware...
  7. Living Sincerely in an Insincere World

    One of the things that leaves me emotionally ragged by the end of the day is being surrounded by people for whom normal clever social interactions is always surfing along the surface. I am constantly asked questions that they don't really mean to hear the real answers to - it has become a joke to keep tripping me up I think. It is good-natured as far as I can tell - but it is exhausting. I just cannot remember to "be shallow", to remember they are not being sincere - if that makes any...
  8. 12/12/2017 too care is to accept consequence

    Just a thought. I need to feel suicidal to function. That doesn't make sense does it, well I am not a person of sense. I gave it some thought though, I think since then, I got a sense of what normally doesn't make sense. If I think I am going to die in the next month, there are no consequences for my actions, because nothing really matters. I can't live with there being consequences for my actions anymore. I have been suicidal for so long, and using it as a defender mechanism, that I...
  9. 12/12/2017 late night ramblings

    I thought I would spare the chat room of more thoughts. I am thinking of different cultures. People tend to forum groups. These groups grow, split, shrink and all the other stuff groups do. One group can turn into hundreds of little ones, and all these groups over time forum different cultures. With separation, people deviate from the norm, change, and forum a different norm. People in different cultures act differently. Their deviation from norm is excused by them being a different...
  10. 11/12/2017 just writing around 2/2

    I don't feel any better, I just feel in conflict. I know my possible life could be awesome, but I don't know If I can get there, and operate, even when i am living the dream. I have so much progress to make, and sitting at the bottom of this mountain, looking up and knowing I have to climb all the way up, it is daunting. I don't like to think about the future that much, not in depth. It is a hard thing not knowing if I am going to be alive in the next five years to do any of this stuff. I...
  11. 11/12/2017 just writing around. 1/2

    I feel tired. It is a bit unordinary considering it is only one in the morning. Maybe I might get some good sleep. I just got up to turn off the light, letting the dim lamp at the end of the room light my way. Hopefuly the low amount of light can kick my circadian rhythm back into line. Hopefully. I am at my grandmas house for a little while. I don't have any internet, so I am just typing this out on my computer, getting it ready to be posted when I find some internet. My cousin lives here....
  12. Lost the battle but not the war.

    I didn't particularly want to go and see my GP, the one I've been used to for twenty years; who I now think was probably rubbish, has retired. I have to get used to someone else or a lot of someone elses. I haven't seen a doctor in a long time. Nothing needed fixing or tablets or referrals. And besides I'm not at all comfortable with the receptionist, a waiting room, I'm impatient with delays and can convince myself during the delay that I'm perfectly fine and don't need to be there so I...
  13. PTSD and the Healing Power of Self-Forgiveness

    The healing power of self-forgiveness as it relates to PTSD and ruminative preoccupation with past trauma and humiliation
  14. 5/12/2017 hell of a night

    What a night. crazy, crazy night. As you may have guessed, It wasn't a good type of night. my mind was in a pretty bad spot, and I got set off by something incredibly little. I wasn't doing good for the past two weeks, and all of that building emotional energy came collapsing in as the damn of my psyche cracked, then collapsed. Small triggers can be anything. That night was a blur so your guess is as good as mine, but I remember the descent into that mindset. Bringing up that one point, I...
  15. Go see a doctor

    That was today's message at work . Very upsetting while your doing your best . I'm doing my best to keep this going . Stuck on this blog cause the worst place to be for social help is an aspie site
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