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Blogs

  1. A Snowy Dawn

    This morning I was greeted with an early snowfall, and it's actually still snowing now, as I type this. I consider it to be a beautiful and peaceful conclusion to two weeks in which I've made huge improvements with my mental health and issues. Starting around Oct. 13th, the anniversary of the Miracle of the Sun at Fatima, I started on a journey of sorts in which I overcame a lot of my mental issues. It's difficult to go into details on it, but I'll discuss two things that contributed to my...
  2. Day 15: a new day

    today so far is good. it is not a disappointment. All my fears so far have not happened. It's my birthday. Nobody forgot. I decided to communicate this problem with my bf because i felt lke i was setting him up for failure. he seemed to remember my birthday but didnt get me anything yet at the time, but i am also a procrastinator when it comes to gifts. i got a few gift cards, so i will be able to do my hair again. My pets are also being very cute and loving today. I hope work is okay....
  3. Day 14

    I am not sure what the point of writing is. Even on good days after writing things it makes me realize my sadness more, and often time I collapse, or relapse, or whatever it's called back into the spiral. The more I talk about things, the more pointless it seems, because it's just complaining if there is no solution.
  4. Day 13: A late night entry

    I sit at work. I had a cancellation, but still made money. This is good. I wrote a paper for class and turned in my responses. I thought it was funny that in one response, a student put immolate instead of emulate. immolate means to burn at the stake apparently. I am realizing, I am still learning about myself. There is so much about me that is good that I don't know about yet. I have to keep persevering. I am always focused on how I'm hurt, and on here, I write about that a lot, but...
  5. Recently

    Age: almost 25. Education: dropped-out college student 3 TIMES. Medicine taking: Apa-bily, Zoplm, Valdoxan. Self-awareness: at least 6/10. I was very toxic to my parents. I'm trying to repair our relationships now. Relationships: willing to improve. Eating: fixed. Daily routine: scheduling. assuming I'm awake for 16 hours/day. I'll give the lecturer videos 9hrs/day which leaves me 7 hours to do stuff. 2 hours go to lunch/dinner/breaks then the other 5 hours would be exercising and doing...
  6. Day 12: meh prose but make it bad poetry

    I awaken to a call from my brother. He incoherently speaks of our mother: "Mother's sister of father!" I wonder why I bothered. I hang up, but the pain isn't over. _______________________ I wake up again No tears fall. I must distract Before it begins ___________________ My name is Eris I undo by way of strife My name is Eros I undo by way of love My name Hedone and I undo by way of pleasure My name is Athena and I undo by way of strategy My name is Coeus and I undo by way of wisdom My...
  7. Day 11: another day of confusion

    I went to bed early so it compensated for my cat SCREAMING for pets. I couldn't go back to sleep. I kept worrying if my bf would forget about my birthday. I am very confident that he has. I am worried about reminding him. I dont want to. He forgot to do anything for our anniversary in May. I say "forget to do anything" instead "forgot wholly our anniversary" because if you talk to him, he will deny it. he doesn't like to take blame, but who does in the face of accusation? If he forgets it,...
  8. Day 10: today is better

    I feel better today. I have this weird spiraling pattern. once my work weekend comes (mon and tues), and i have time to be alone, i feel much better. but today i have to go to work again. i went to visit my old location. i dont like visiting them. i feel like i dont belong. i feel like some people there who greet me are being sideways, meaning they act friendly, but they are the reason i am in my situation. so i hate talking to them. One said to me my work is getting better. I feel these...
  9. Rambling

    I only fell in love once, and i wish to be in love with him forever. I feel like my soul was saved by loving him. That i was given so much happiness i would be able to go on living no matter how many bad things happen. Sometimes i watch a drama that reminds me of this love and i cry for a long time. The time i spent with him were the best days of my life.
  10. Day 9: Some spiraling

    Recently i have told a couple people i am depressed, and they were very shocked. this confuses me. i dont feel that i have been an outwardly "happy" person, especially because people accuse me from looking sad to looking like i shoot dope up my arm. Anyways I woke up crying. I am worried I am not strong enough for this life. I am realizing all the effort I put in educating myself, learnign new skills, exposing myself to new subjects of interest for the same of appearing more valuable as a...
  11. Twitch streaming

    For those unfamiliar, Twitch streaming is basically going live and playing games in which people can come and watch you and type to you as you play, whilst you talk to them through a mic. I've been doing twitch streaming on/off for many years, it's one of my main hobbies, A lot of people do it for money but i actually do it just for daily social needs and fun, I mean sitting and playing games and getting to talk to other gamers as you do it? win win! It's always been something that helps me...
  12. Day 8: Am I a Villain

    I feel this way. I feel like i am constantly fighting this urge to not be evil. My urges are more along the lines of taking advantage of weaker people, or wanting to project constantly because i am anxious and depressed. I think about how I used to view people with autism. Even back then, I thought even deeper, "what if i hate these people because i relate to them?" (little did i know i was just hating myself). I still have this feeling that this is why i am evil (my autism). I think an...
  13. In just 12 months.

    Just over 12 months ago I was in awe of an ultrasound image of a developing 12 week old human brain in utero. Today I get to witness that brain operating and problem solving. There's a body and face attached, obviously :) I'd begun to suspect this 12 month old had an eidetic memory, but further reading would suggest he retains detailed information for longer than (I) expected. For example, one of his slippers came off while playing on his wooden rocking horse. He glanced at his bare foot...
  14. Day 7: I went to the gym

    I havent gone to the gym since before lockdown. I decided to go back because i notice i am getting too skinny. i dont like to talk about that because people wrinkle their nose on it, like its not a problem. Recently i've been feeling confused. in my journey of solitude, I am worried that I am still depressed. I am worried I am moving on from crying to numbness. I am worried about projection or sublimination. I feel like everyone is against me. or that i'm always having to prove myself,...
  15. and so it begins...

    i knew i had some issues, a general lack of social skills. people just drain me. it didn't occur to me that i might be autistic, but i hadn't given it much thought until recently. since it was mentioned to me i have read about it a lot, and i imagine it's asperger 's or high-functioning autism that i will be looking at. i don't know which one is me. i'm not sure what age i started speaking. i have no desire to talk to my mum and my dad is in australia. am i clumsy? do i have many interests?...
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