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Blogs

  1. I got in...

    If people only knew how much stress and anxiety they caused others, they wouldn't torture them by waiting until last minute to give them vital information. Which is ironic, considering I am an Aspie. I got the call this morning at 9am that I got into my Radiography program. The admissions person (aka Gate Keeper) was robotic informing me of my admissions and upcoming orientations. She was clearly reading from a script which I found really odd considering I had been chatting with her on...
  2. Anxiety so bad I could throw up...

    This week I find out if I am accepted into a Radiography program at my local college. Actually, it should be today. My advisor told me a couple months ago that she would call accepted students on the 8th, "why make student's wait?!", she said. She was very chatty and seemed optimistic I would get into the program, which is highly competitive and only accepts 10 students a year. Admittance is based solely on GPA, which is not weighted. I have been working really hard over the past year to...
  3. That old familiar feeling...

    No matter what I do, no matter what I try, I feel so alone. I hate it. I want to not hate it. I want to be, "strong and independent," and I want people to see me that way. Unfortunately, I feel like a weirdo/alien/robot, watching people around me have normal lives, normal relationships, and trying to figure out the trick to fitting in or understanding. I don't always feel this way, but when it hits me, it hits me hard and it's pretty draining. I feel like maybe I said something similar in my...
  4. Paintball, seagulls and a Discord ranter

    I went paintballing on the weekend with a friend. It was a good time, and I did quite well on several games. The weather was very warm, and during the break between my first and second game I was a little worried if my body could go the distance. During the games your heart is racing and at times it felt like I could easily let the sensations spill into panic. Thankfully I didn't, and I enjoyed it for what it was - a good time. The day after I could barely walk - all the sprinting up and...
  5. I feel inadequate… and it makes me mad.

    I am so, so tired of feeling inadequate, or like I don’t belong anywhere. It used to make me sad, but now it just makes me angry. I hate going through all motions, thinking I’ve found someone who “gets me” … only to be proven very wrong in the end. I will elaborate more at a later time when I have access to an actual computer and keyboard instead of my phone, but I just needed to get these feelings out of my head right now. So there’s that.
  6. 3%

    I got a 3% pay rise today. It made me happy as it was one of 2 things that were making me debate how long I'd stay here. The other factor is them getting a 4th person. It's been highlighted numerous times this year, and my manager is still in discussions with the director about it. One of the managers came in today. He's not in the office much any more due to COVID, but he was in today. He just had a 10 minute chat with me and seemed genuinely interested in how I've been doing. After he'd...
  7. Lingering Effects

    This morning I woke up with quite intense neck ache. It's something that flares up now and then, and the past 2 days it hasn't been pleasant. I have a memory foam pillow that's supposed to help - turns out I had been using it the wrong way round all this time - ingenuius. After breakfast, I decided to head into work early. During the short walk from my house to the car, I noticed a lingering effect from last night's smoke. The morning air felt crisper and the sight of the trees and the...
  8. 541 x 0 =

    Made it to 541 days sober. I noticed thoughts became more intense and focused in recent weeks. Each time it felt like I was picking up where I left off - even though this recent wave of cravings had lasted months. Thoughts formed into a plan, and whilst I hadn't acted upon it last time - today I have. I knew within weeks of living here, that the guy over the road from our house sold weed. It only took me 4.5 years to ask him, and 5 minutes later it was done. Something I recalled very...
  9. A strange waving gesture

    Yesterday afternoon I received the email from the solicitors with login details to their portal. We had 4 forms to fill out. As soon as I got home, me and Kristy went through every single form and hammered out things we needed to do. All that's required now is a reply from the estate agent with the house's EPC energy rating and a reply from the builders we used in 2017 with a certificate regarding electrical work carried out. Then we're home free - nothing else for us to do. Work wasn't as...
  10. A place to call my own

    We had an offer on the house for £143k which was a lot more than we expected. We accepted straight away. It's going to one of 2 sisters who are both buying houses in town. The elder sister loved the house, she said it was perfect for her. She loved how we decorated downstairs and I was really pleased to see someone who was genuinely excited to live in our house. Her brother in law is a builder, so we know they can get the house finished to a standard they want. The estate agent said their...
  11. $TVRBOY

    I wonder if the break in my routine of going to work has caused me to stop keeping regular blog entries. The guilt of taking time off has subsided for the most part. I received a text from my manager today asking if I was ok and hoping to catch up with me towards the end of the week. Time has gone by quickly. Looking back, most of last week was spent getting the house and garden ready for the estate agent’s visit and valuation on Tuesday. This week it’s been easy to keep on top of cleaning...
  12. Anne Franking It

    It all became too much - I ended up hiding in the men's room for 20 minutes and burst into tears as soon as I closed the door behind me. Didn't really help much. I looked up if I could get a Dr's appointment, maybe on Push Dr - the mobile app. They used to be £20 for an appointment, now it's £45. I can't justify that. I was looking under the assumption I could get signed off for 2 weeks. When I got back to my desk, I decided to look at when my next time off is. Turns out it's this week - I...
  13. Awkwardness, fatigue and constant irritations

    Kristy needs lifts this week as her friend who normally provides them has an event they wish to attend next week and don’t want to risk catching COVID. Seems a little paranoid to me, then again, I’m no stranger to worrisome thoughts. It means the next few days I won’t get as much sleep. Kristy is happy to walk, and yet I’m not happy for her to do so (paranoid thoughts). I guess that’s what years of news can do to a worrier – they make me assume that a woman walking on her own at night is in...
  14. My Head's Swimming - I'm Drowning

    I’m nervous about selling the house. I called the estate agent and they’re visiting Saturday. Scared the house won’t be good enough, that they’ll judge. Scared there’s too much to do, that I can’t get the painting and gardening done in time. Worried about my bike test too – convinced I’ll get anxious and mess up. Realitically I know these things are examples of catastrophic thinking, and that the reality of these situations won’t be as bad as I assumed. I’m dizzy – I get this way when I’m...
  15. Save the worm

    The fatigue is real – I had a nap yesterday that left me feeling even more tired. In the end I got an early night, but I woke up this morning a lot earlier than expected. Last week I started work early several times, but it really makes the shift feel like a drag. Still, I guess it’s more productive to get to work early than mill around the house for an hour or so before I drive in. I saw a crow feeding on a recently run over pigeon. I drive slowly when I see birds ahead, sometimes I even...
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