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Trending blog entries
I feel strangely relaxed when i am ill. When i was a child i felt comforted when my mom took care of me.Now that i am an adult and taking care of myself i still feel more relaxed and the anxiety and guilt disappears more when i am physically ill.
On one hand I feel like the illness inside me...
Recently i keep dreaming about my friend. She was my best friend from age 15 to 30, and only friend for the most of that time. She stopped talking to me, it has been 4 years already but it does not feel that way. I was partly masking with her too, but it seemed like she did not mind it even...
Dieyi's story in Farewell my Concubine affected me deeply. I don't know how to explain it well. He was shaped into what he is by his art, all his experiences, pain and happiness and fame is inside that. Could he live a simple life without opera? It might be possible for someone else but not him...
My dad will have surgery in january. Meanwhile my mom had an angioplasty today. She is in the hospital now. I don't know what to feel really. It is hard to see my parents getting old and sick. I wish i was the one getting ill sometimes, i don't feel healthy inside anyway
I don't want to live...
I keep dreaming of a world in which i am accepted as i am. Like i tell my (non existent) friends and family, i am like this because of autism and they go "it must have been hard to hide and adapt for so long, you don't have to push yourself or try so hard anymore. We will be with you"
It will...
From childhood, i was always scared of the world and people. But this is not only anxiety, more like noticing the evil in people's hearts and seeing their ugliness behind smiling faces. It baffles me how easy cruelty and deception comes to people. Strangely, i felt like i was the ugly and...
I saw everyone at thanksgiving. My siblings. The first time since my uncles funeral in April. Which was when I lost my speech, started talking gibberish for two month and started using a walker from the brain injury. My siblings have no asked nor have the seen me sinc ethen. My husband feels...
Table, they are all laid out. Ligjts off flashes like a book memories going by clicking. Why DIDNT HE JUST END ME? Get rid of me. Devour me. A gently bite. A piece of my neck. Enough to draw blood. Sucking, drinking. He enjoys every second. What even are you? Am I just your play thing? Your...
I am so tired from not being able to breath well, nausea, fatigue, brain fog etc. I just want to live like everyone else. Even 34 years was too long for me. I am so tired and i dont feel safe anywhere
I am realizing that my issues with growing up involve a severe case of living in fear. And a compounding issue of self-hatred, along with a delusional belief of others being out to get me. Creating resentment and fear of others.
In this. I have found that being profoundly uncomfortable and...
As I lie awake unable to sleep. Pain dripping over the right side of my body. I say dripping because it feels like my body has been drenched in a vat of corroded battery acid. You know that burning feeling your skin gets when you touch it? The pain that goes to your bone if you hang onto it...
🌈 What Neurodiversity Means to Me
Neurodiversity isn’t just a concept I believe in—it’s the lens through which I now see the world. It’s the rhythm of my son’s footsteps as he paces to self-soothe. It’s the way he lines up his toys with precision, creating order in a world that often feels...
Lay awake. Head pounding from the pressurr.in my brain. Unable to sleep. A tilt of my head and the pressure send a violent pain through my head and a black cloud into my eyes. What to watch? For some reason I find comfort in watching shows on serial killers. Maybe atleast I escaped my predator...
I recently started EMDR. Many years I have heard of this treatment through my therapist. Thinking to myself, it seemed a bit hokey to me. So I researched. Finally, after my speech had been lost from a brain injury and my right side of my body impaired it was suggested that to fix all my...
I live my life, but from time to time i dream of the magical time in my life and the people i will never see again.
I know even if i were to meet that people again, those moments in time will never come back and they will no longer stir anything in me.
I just wish i can return back to that...
A Nothingness Meditation Of July 4, 2025
(Friday, American Independence Day, 2025)
I meditated earlier today and had many mind-altering, in-trance “views” that I thought I needed to get down in writing before I’d forget. However, after today’s meditation, I got involved in responding to a...
Translation of a song i love. I really like translating things, be it from english or another language. Song lyrics in particular.
I thought about you last night again.
An eternal hope filled me.
Than i thought about myself
A strange kind of feeling came upon me.
Like when you are walking...
I don't want to think badly about myself anymore. I am depressed, living with a different neurology in a third world country without any kind of help, empathy and a sliver of compassion. People are like hungry vultures, looking for weak people to prey upon. I dont want any part in this kind of life
I don't think i have felt safe anywhere, with anyone. Except maybe one of my ex friends. She was so understanding and non judgmental. I was not afraid of being myself with her. But we are no longer friends.
I feel afraid and stressed in my everyday life. I feel like people will take advantage...