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The really bad advice thread

Any number multiplied by 8 equals that number, plus 14.
As examples:
8 × 2 = 16
8 × 3 = 17
8 × 4 = 18
8 × 5 = 19
Now, you see the pattern. Easy, right?
 
I have some terrific advice! It's very smart! Sincerely, I'm very illogical, for an aspie, but this advice is slightly better than my usual nonsense. Please read on! Please! Here's how to commit a crime, in plain sight, without getting arrested.

Step 1: Attach a medieval flail to a spinning ceiling fan. Ever seen a flail? It's a handle, attached to a chain, attached to a spiky ball! Whoa! Cool! Buy one on eBay, Amazon, or the drug store!
Step 2: Hang a sign, on the wall, that says, "Don't raise your hands toward the ceiling."
Step 3: You'll have to be tall and/or have long arms. So, you might have to take a few minutes, to grow a foot or two.
Step 4: Commit a crime, and let someone call the police.
Step 5: Growl at them, to scare them; they will flee, and therefore, won't try to tackle you!
Step 6: Watch the streets, for the police car.
Step 7: Make sure that the police officer notices you. Then, run inside the building that contains the fan.
The police officer will say, "Freeze! Put your hands up."
Step 8: Point to the sign, which discourages the raising of hands. The police officer will then say, "Oh, I see. You don't need to raise your hands, because that dangerous spiked ball might hit your fingers, and I would be encouraging self-harm. Therefore, the arrest cannot be carried out, since you don't have a safe way to surrender."
Step 9: Tell the officer, "No, no, no; I insist; you should arrest me."
The officer will respond, "Pfft, due to the circumstances, it cannot be done. You have yourself a nice day."
Step 10: Politely say, "Goodbye." The officer will leave the building.
Step 11: Wait 23 seconds. By then, the officer will have driven away.
Step 12: Laugh and laugh, very loudly! You've just gotten away, with the ultimate crime! You are a genius. Drink your favorite beverage, lounge on a nice recliner, then hum a tune! A light breeze will blow, and it will be iridescent, and it will congratulate you.

PS: Thank you so much, GrownupGirl, for creating this thread! I've never had so much fun, unleashing my inner dork, through giving great advice!
 
Vindicator Phoenix said:
Want to steal from a grocery store, without triggering the bar code scanner, at the exit? Eat, in the aisle.
Click to expand...

Oh I totally did this as a child.

Costco and BJ's and all those stores where you can buy things in bulk are great places to do this. I was clever enough then to know that no one would suspect an innocent looking child like me of breaking into the packages and boxes and taking those mini bags of chips/crackers, or candy bars, packs of gum, etc., anything individually wrapped...
 
sidd851 said:
(Amanita Pantherina and Amanita Muscaria are quite delicious also!!!)
Click to expand...
Yes, I should start a pick-your-own farm some day, that would be a really good idea. Have a cafe and farm shop too, bring the family and make it a really nice trip out (pun shamelessly intended).
 
Drink as much as you like, and drive home. No problem. If you are every involved in an accident, all you need to do it leave the scene and head for the nearest pub. Don't wait to call an ambulance, or anything like that, it's way too time consuming. Once at the pub, quickly order and drink another alcoholic beverage. When the police arrive, they won't be able to prove that you were drunk while driving.
 
Enter a boxing ring and drop a cardboard box onto the head of a boxer. Justify yourself, by saying, "That's what the sport's supposed to be."
 
Let your children watch "Elsagate" videos on YouTube. They are full of wholesome, kid-friendly fun.
(That's not only bad advice but a blatant lie.:flushed: I may start a similar thread about the latter sometime.):smile:
 
Turn on a lawnmower.
Flip it on its side.
Use the blades, to cut your hair.
It kinda worked, for me, except I lost a lot of brain matter, too.
 
If you don't agree that you didn't make the team, go up to the coach and tell him "get lost."

Whenever someone is wrong, just type IN ALL CAPS LIKE THIS and also tell them how stupid their opinion is. Use ad hominins, go through their post history and find something to use against them and it doesn't need to be relevant to the discussion. Put words in their mouth to steer the argument away from what the discussion, they will be too busy argument about what they said and be defending themselves they have gotten off topic now. Keep steering them another direction until they are no longer on topic.
 
You want to ban a member but the other moderators don't agree and neither does the admin, change their password and delete their email from their account. Now they are silent banned but not truly banned. They just can't access their account and log in.
 
Seriously; you want to win divorce court? Tell the judge he is a pig just like your ex. Tell your attorney,he couldn't argue his way out of a bag of Doritos. Tell your ex to pick up babes, get a tat on his face like that boxer who bit somebody's ear. Tell the court reporter that your ex is a terrific lay , (not).
 
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Secretly whisper to your coworker your getting a divorce. Tell him the womans name. Dont tell him your not married to her. Wait for the rumors to spread. When she comes to talk ask her oit on a date.
 
DON'T give out Halloween candy to the trick or treaters whose parents don't agree with your views on politics, religion, or are pro vax.
 
Give your kids eggs to throw at bad costumes, tell them being egged is a Halloween tradition. If kids knock on your door, tell them there are different tiers of candy, penny candy, sweep my garage equals one mini bar, pull weeds equals mini candy and one quarter, clean bathroom toilets equals two Reeses peanut butter cups or two cans of cola, paint the front of the house equals 5 dollar coupon to McDonald's. Take my idea and run with it.
 
You want a nose job, bondo they use it on cars. l won't tell anyone, it will be our secret. What? You need augmentation? Use butt implants, they are way cheaper, and if they fall, just sashay them to the rear saddlebag area. Remember bleach cures anything. And my best beauty secret? l saved this just for you! Sharpie pens, the best-dressed woman use sharpies for perfect eyebrows. Nah, think nothing of it.
 
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