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The really bad advice thread

If you get an F on your report card, just tell your parents that F may have stood for "fail" when they went to school, but now it stands for "fenomenal".
 
If somebody is trying to teach you something, try to teach them the same thing and tell them you know more about the subject than they do.
 
If you owe IRS money, just pay in pennies, because they will reduce the amount just to get you to leave. Shiny pennies work best. If you are going through airport security line, load your pockets with metal objects, this will distract security guard, and you can get your live python 10 ft snake in your carry on bag thru without a hitch. If you are at Mexican border crossing, just repeat back everthing security border guard says to you in baby gibbish, they will wave you through just to be rid of your ridickulessass. Support my go fund me page at www.//htpc.find myhairybutt.com
 
It's okay to cut off an ambulance on the freeway. If you cause a wreck, the ambulance will already be there on the scene to save your life.
 
If you see a large, light brown mushroom (amanita phalloides) in the forest with a thick stem, eat it. It's delicious!!
 
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Practice mindfulness in the comfort of your own home, daily.
When boss calls to enquire why you haven't turned up to work for four days,

Explain you're reducing work induced stress by practicing mindfulness.

Get fired.

Stress gone.

Mindfulness really works.
 
  • Want to lose weight, after one day? On the first day, weigh yourself, while holding a dog; on the next day, weigh yourself, without the dog, and you'll be lighter! :) - :dogface:
  • If you poop on a tombstone, you'll find five dollars on the next fire hydrant you visit. This only works after 14.73 days, though. Science.
  • If you want to steal a car, ask its owner, "Hey, can I steal your car?" :walking::bluecar::runner:
  • To freeze time, remove the batteries from an analog clock. Then, don't move! It takes time to move, and that would give the impression that the time-freeze didn't work! :snowflake:
  • Wearing a hat upside-down will catch rain; then, you can drink the rain! :grinning:
  • Don't tie your shoes! If you do, cats will be less likely to chase the shoestrings. Cats are cute and funny; why keep them away? :hearteyes::catface:
  • If you see a house that looks old, someone designed it to look old, for a movie.
  • Every person with red shoes will say, "Yes," if you ask them, "Will you marry me?" Beware of beaches! People often remove their shoes, and a person who removes their red shoes will suddenly reject you! :disrelieved:
 
If you're at the mall and it's too crowded, just yell "OH MY GOD A BOMB!!". This will clear the place out really fast and you'll be able to do your shopping in peace.
 
  • If you find a nice ring or necklace, at a jewelry store, just pocket it, and walk out; then, you'll save money!
  • Want to avoid extended conversations with people? Coat yourself in manure, before you walk past them.
  • To save money, on lawnmower gas, cut the grass with scissors.
  • At 2:01 PM, one day, I saw a person wearing orange shoes. Therefore, if you see a person wearing orange shoes, it must be 2:01 PM. If your watch reads a different time, set it to 2:01 PM so that I'm right about this shoe-time correlation.
  • Some people named "Richard" abbreviate their names to "Rich." I've also heard that "You are what you eat," so you should eat Rich.
  • If you need to pee, put on a dog costume, then pee on someone's lawn.
  • If you want to print a pancake out of your computer's CD drive, spin around three times, shouting, "I'm gullible!" Then, press the Eject button. Voilà! Breakfast!
  • Want to cheat, during a written test? Wear sunglasses that have the answers taped to the inside of the lenses! If your teacher asks why you're wearing shades, reply with, "Looking cool helps my self-esteem."
  • If you're lost, ask a cat, for directions. If the cat meows, head north; if the cat doesn't meow, head south.
 
When my wife is being self-critical in the mirror,...
  1. Think about the rest of us. We have to look at THAT all. the. time...
    full
  2. ...but she sure can cook, though!
    full
 
  • Want to steal from a grocery store, without triggering the bar code scanner, at the exit? Eat, in the aisle.
  • Want to eat, without gaining weight, though? Eat your fingernails; they're a part of you.
  • Need a cheap Christmas present, for someone? Wrap an empty box in 50 layers of wrapping paper. They'll get bored, after opening 30, and will have no excuse to accuse you of getting them nothing. After all, they can't prove that there's nothing in the box, if they don't open the box.
  • Want to pick your nose, without anybody knowing that you pick your nose? Ask someone, "Hey, do you know a private place where I could pick my nose?"
  • If you're frying a hamburger, just put the patty it in the pan, maximize the heat, then leave it, for 7 hours. That's sure to prevent you from eating raw meat. Therefore, it's the perfect duration.
  • Skateboard without a helmet; cool kids know that helmets don't look so rad.
  • If you eat a bowl of cereal, in 6.2 seconds, your next wish will come true. You must wear a blue hat, while doing so, though, and the hat must be green. Oh, and don't wear a hat; just a red one.
  • Stay up as late as I am. Oh crap; gotta go! Good night, everyone!
 
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