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When being You brings out the Fear in Others...

Discussion in 'Friends, Family & Social Skills' started by GayAspieAddict, May 8, 2016.

  1. GayAspieAddict

    GayAspieAddict New Member

    May 8, 2016

    I am new to this site and am unsure if this is the place to post this...that said, I have this on my mind and want to share.

    So I am a 33 yr old gay man with HFA/Aspergers; I also have Crohns Disease, Depression/Anxiety, and am in recovery from drugs and alcohol, and attend recovery meetings. I recently started seeing a nice man, and we have started spending the night at each others' houses.

    Last night, after eating some sushi, he told me how he was helping a friend of his with some food (the friend was coming down off of drugs and needed help). He told his friend about me, and even showed a picture of me. The friend said that he knew of me, and had trouble putting into words how I come across. The guy I am seeing (who was telling me this story) said to the friend, "Cold, arrogant, and snobby?" The friend nodded and exclaimed, Yes!

    Now, this is the second time he has told me such a story about how I am. The first time when he spent the night, he laughed at my mannerisms and told me to stop (I have a throat condition of which I take meds for, and as a result I have to chew up pills to swallow--he laughed at me and teased me; I always have an umbrella/baton of some kind in my left or right hand, partially to distract from my tremors, but also because I feel empowered and strong when I have it...he said, "You wont be carrying one of those anymore," in a very uhh white coat shrink way).

    He mocks my faith (I use faith to understand how to feel, to empathize, to learn to "be"), my smirks/laughs when I find things interesting...

    I dont know how to be. I dont understand some/alot of this. What I do know is that this is affecting me to the point that I am starting to dwell on it. I dont think I am arrogant...quiet, reserved and internal sure, particularly in meetings. Comprehensive and intelligent sure--I have little time for people with their facts that are wrong, or people who cannot use the most simple logic for questions (for example, when I said in Theology class that one does not have to believe in the institution to believe in the idea, such as following a higher power does not have to be related to following a church or group...the church ladies had a hard time with that, and retorted in a way that calls my integrity into question).

    Am I allowed to be proud without having pride? Am I allowed to be confident? Does being proud, smart, competitive, confident...does all this come off as snobby? What is wrong with wanting the best, and demanding the best of both myself and others?

    I've worked really hard to get to where I am (Minneapolis MN, in a dual masters program for a MTh/MSW) and slugged it out through many a trench and mud-pit to be okay with being me...Is this teasing on his part or something more sinister?

    Do I really come off this way, or is this just a petty, fear based response by people who cringe at intense people? I identify a TON with Sherlock Holmes--the Jeremy Brett version.

    Also, with my large desire to be with another guy who gets me, or to be with people who like me for me, why does it seem that the safer route is being alone, even though I dont want to be?

    Any tips are welcomed...stories, thoughts...or perhaps gay aspies?
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  2. Rayner

    Rayner Well-Known Member

    Aug 26, 2015
    They way I see it. Being alone in alot of ways is the safest route, in terms of financial,living arrangements,freedom. I live alone so the only person I need to worry about is me. The down side to being alone is it is a lonely way to live.

    Anyway i personally identify with Walt longmire. Although Sherlock Holmes is a good choice. Sorry I couldn't be more of a help.
  3. paloftoon

    paloftoon Well-Known Member

    Jun 26, 2013
    Just try to be a good person basically. Being specifically alone or specifically out to be with people all the time is not the answer. You want to be versatile and do both. You may have your b/f as a resource to ask what another/other(s) think of you, and if he can give specific examples, if you think these are things you should change, then you probably should work on changing those characteristics.

    Sounds like you have a complicated combination of things that are hard for anyone to understand. It's hard for us to tell which actions are helpful to you, how and why they are helpful to you, and if they've become habits or coping. Also, is it better to stick with coping, or to go for changing completely? I think coping is a good first step, and if you aren't able to slowly resolve issues or "issues" if they hold you up, then coping mechanisms are better than nothing, right? We can't necessarily expect your b/f or anyone to understand you, but we can expect people to respect you and work with you as much as they can.

    Maybe even starting with diet and/or exercise or meditation could be one route you take. Or maybe the recover from drugs/alcohol is a good thing to focus on since there tend to be more resources for this issue than many of the others ones you mention (I believe.) Take one thing at a time. There might be some things that don't need a remedy or "remedy" but maybe just coping mechanisms to make your life a much smoother transition.

    As for your b/f, I don't think we know for sure if the teasing is really just teasing or something more sinister. You might have to get to know him better. Maybe try to get to know his friends better to get a sense.

    I consider your honesty and openness very brave and forthright. You seem like a very friendly person deep inside.

    I hope it all works out for you.
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  4. garnetflower13

    garnetflower13 Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

    Mar 26, 2013
    I have had trouble all my life with discerning friends from enemies. That being said, I think that what it boils down to is to ask yourself how being with certain people makes you feel deep down inside. Use this for your barometer! I used to hang out with a friend who at first seemed really friendly and fun to be with. Over time I began to feel drained and exhausted after being with her. I call this type of person an energy vampire. If I find that I am questioning my beliefs, values, general sense of self acceptance every time I am with someone, I realize that this isn't a healthy friendship. So, gradually I dropped that person. I have another friend that I love talking to and hanging out with. When I am back home I always feel glad that she is my friend and glad to know her. This friend is a keeper.

    Intimate relationships are more complex, but the basis of friendship should be firm in order for it to work. Your friend may only be teasing, or have more sinister motives. Such as undermining your confidence in yourself! In this case, closely examine how you feel when away from this person. Maybe you could make a pros and cons list of traits that you see in this person. If the cons outweigh the pros, perhaps you could choose not to invest too much time with them?

    In the end, you have to protect yourself from being hurt from others the best you can. I hope you can work all this out, and I hope this helps!:smile:
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  5. midlife aspie

    midlife aspie Well-Known Member

    Feb 16, 2016
    "Religions are only different roads to the same place. As long as we are all going to the same place, what does it matter what road we take?" - The Great Soul
    I would have tried this one on those church ladies. I believe morality gave rise to religion, not the other way around.
    And yes, good friends are very hard to find and easy to lose. I've only had one in my life that I truly felt I could empty the contents of my head to and we have been friends for 33 years. I am not even that open with my wife. He listens, holds no opinions (unless asked), grudges, or judgments. Most of all though he LISTENS.
    • Like Like x 2
  6. Ylva

    Ylva Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

    Mar 2, 2013
    He sounds like he's trying to undermine your confidence. People who do that are usually trying to control you.

    However, if it is your image problem you are out to solve, maybe try acting? It's what us aspergirls supposedly do and the reason we don't get diagnosed (or so they say).
    • Agree Agree x 1