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Xinyta
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  • I grow increasing frustrated with my issues. Namely because I am now far more aware of how much I allow my trauma to impair my capability to live. Yet I continue like nothing will change and I KNOW I'm doing it.

    Now I am left asking questions that I NEED to answer for the good of my health and sanity.
    jsilver256
    jsilver256
    You cut out caffeine, I can't even do that lol. Don't underestimate yourself. You have no debt, no (drug) addictions, etc. That puts you ahead a lot of people. The only feedback I'd have is that you balance out what you want for the future with dealing with your past trauma. I feel like I'm getting to know the past Xinyta, but I want to know the future Xinyta too.
    I'm 35 years old. 35. Yet I allow a worthless humanbeing of a stepmother and absentee father rule how I live my life. Not even them in person doing it. Thier presence is in my head. My own psychosis. I wait for parents who will NEVER change, and expect answers from them. Ones they will not give.
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    These are two bookmarks I own. One was made by a professional furry artist(anthro tigress). The other(human fluttershy) was from a friend my ex-roommate, from my time on my own, knew.

    The human fluttershy one is being used for my recently purchased Unmasking Autism book.
    I'm feeling good about myself still. Plenty to work on, but it's not as hard. Still difficult, but not the choir I made it out to be.
    Well today has been a great day. I have been more on top of things today than I've been in some time. I also had some really good food. A variation on spaghetti and meatballs with different pasta noodles. Also, my Uncle and I had some if the cake I made the day before. It was very good and I'm pleased it came out well. We also had ice cream with the cake.
    Maybe I have more confidence than before, but I am more and more feeling like I can do this. That the feeling I have more control than before.

    The fact that I could "I can do it" in response to if I could overcome my old thoughts.
    Now that I see what needs to be done. I now have a whole world of fixes that need to be done. One at a time.
    My non-existent sense of identity is something I now am starting to get. I am trying to be something I'm not. And amalgamation of traits I took from others, are part of a mismatched puzzle I cannot complete.
    T
    thejuice
    What makes you do that?
    Xinyta
    Xinyta
    Fear does. Old fears and a built up habit, turned instinct, to hide from anything, once it happens. Giving time for something to build up a negative in my head, causes overwhelm. Both people and tasks are this way.

    Removing the time to think about it, seems to mitigate it.
    T
    thejuice
    That's exactly what I'm going through right now to be honest. I'm playing dead in bed to avoid everything. A stubborn refusal to face the world.
    I feel, for once, I have some semblance of peace. I am not feeling anxiety. I'm not feeling depression. I am not feeling completely worthless.
    I watched The Accountant tonight. I am floored by how good it is. And the main character Chistopher Wolf, is a High Funtioning Autistic. I personally feel like I could relate to alot of his behaviors and habits.
    tree
    tree
    Saw this a couple nights ago. Enjoyed his flat affect delivery. And the scene of the farm family, him coming up with loop holes for them, was great.
    Xinyta
    Xinyta
    I have to agree. Ben Affleck did a good job with portraying those aspects. In fact, I do feel that the movie in general give a better representation of ASD, since it's not just limited to Christopher Wolf. But shows others with varying severity and behaviors.

    Though the father making the choice to expose Christopher to more of what would trigger his Autism, than trying to reduce it, is a interesting approach.

    This made my night. It's a parody of the phonecall scene from the Mandela Catalog analog horror series.

    This holds a great meaning that involves self-worth and caring for others. Anything worth something in your heart, is worth fighting for.

    Loved ones
    Goals
    Dreams

    Anything from a place of passion is more powerful than what can be fathomed.
    All-Rounder
    All-Rounder
    Great values expressed in the movies. Absolutely love how it's worth fighting for letting hell be a safe place.
    I need to meditate on some findings. I am starting to understand some of things my Uncle says all the time.

    I have a issue with electronics. More specifically, being alone while watching tv, on my phone, or gaming. I have done that for a long time, and it seems to make me backslide when I do it.
    T
    thejuice
    Could be a mixture of trauma and managing autism symptoms? I only say that because I do what you do and believe mine to be mostly the second reason.

    I found traditional therapy ineffective. When id talk about needing to wear an eye mask and headphones to shut out the world so I wouldn't combust, they'd look at me confused, sceptically.

    I'm still knee deep in the mire of addiction.
    T
    thejuice
    @jsilver256 what's seems a contradiction is reaching for the most stimulating thing In modern culture when we're over stimulated. Maybe it's the familiarity of it, but a phone only makes things worse.
    jsilver256
    jsilver256
    I guess it depends on what you mean by stimulating. I play Sudoku or Kenken on a tiny screen and shut out everything else around me. No sound or anything.
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