Aspies in Work

[ErinH]

Hi everyone,

I work full-time and have done so since university (and worked part-time before uni), with the occasional year-or-two gap due to mental health difficulties (before I realised I could be aspie). I have always hated working in the sense that I can never seem to release myself from the morning dread and feelings of panic before every work day. I tried very hard with my current job to not care so much about it, and it worked for a while, but I feel the familiar sicky feelings each morning now, though not as strongly as back when I worked in London or before uni. I also struggle at work with stressful situations and work pressure, and panic flares up my belly. I feel like it's catastrophic. It helps to take things step by step, which my fiancé helped me realise, so now I have to force myself to not think about everything all at once and to just look at the piece of paper or folder in front of me.

I also struggle with not being able to accept the whole concept of full-time 9-5 work. It just seems so unhealthy to me, and often meaningless. I know there are a lot of rewarding jobs out there with meaning, but due to my struggles in life, the best I have been able to achieve is an admin position with too much stress and not enough pay. I have creative dreams - one day I would like to make a living from selling my illustrations or write a book - but I never seem to be able to actually do them due to fear.

I don't mean to sound "woe is me" or like I don't understand how lucky I am to even be able to work and get a job in the first place, but I was just wondering if there is anyone out there who feels the same way?

 

[Suzanne]

I thought I was the only who ever felt like this.

I did work 9-5 for about a year, I think. I remember the day that they said they did not require me anymore, it felt like I was let out of a prison and boy did I have a bounce in my step lol I was roughly 17 I think.

Other than that, a very haphazd working history; not boring though. The idea of a straight 9-5 would make me feel sick with horror and so, I never have been in that situation again. So, really, BRAVO you for sticking it out.

I know, all too well that dread sickly, sinking tummy feeling, as morning arrives and the birds start to sing and it has taken me, til now, to not dread that sound.

I really like the notion of part time work; I am not one who needs to strive for a high payed job; if I can wake up and bounce out of bed and be eager to get to work.

The snag is, believe it or not, but my misplaced empathy; I tend to put others in the role of how I would feel, so each time my husband has to get up for work, I actually feel so sorry for him, that I could cry and flipping get anxious and that is, even if he says he is fine!

No, you are not being "woe to me". What, after all is aspiecentral if we cannot come here and share our anxieties?

As it happens, I also know EXACTLY what you mean regarding being overwhelmed by work. When I did work experience, I would honestly be surprised when I was told that I am good at my work! I felt PETRIFIED of making mistakes and any I did, tried to cover it over or sort of pretend I had not made an mistake, which obviously did not go down too well.

It is life experiences that has taught me much and if I got the chance of a job, I would have a different mindset now.

 

[Chance]

I know how bad it sucks... When my head gets messed up, my stomach gets messed up (or is it the other way around?)

I have been there in the dread, and still get trapped there but those times are getting less and less..

I was taught a secret that helps... Its not cure, it just helps A LOT.

We are what we think... Nothing more nothing less. We are the reality that surrounds us.

I see it as ruts on a road in my head. "Oh I dread going to work... Its gonna suck today...."
That is a thought process that puts out chemicals that bring fourth that very viewpoint of a reality that is nothing like how we are viewing it, IF we deem it not so.

If we see ourselves as failures... We are just that guaranteed. If we say we cant, then its a sure bet we wont. Its ALL a mindset, and YES us ASD people do have lots of tumbling thoughts, but I just grab one as it tries to gain traction in my head and tell it "thank you, but no thank you", or if I'm in a real froggy mood... I will tell it to go back to the darkness where it came from.

We are the centre point of our reality... Make that reality YOURS... Write that book while people are setting around soaking up Netflix. Study about becoming a more positive being, learn who you are...
Its what I do every day all day. Sometimes it works... Sometimes ASD knocks me flat on my ass, but I get back up and I will always get back up until it get tired out... because I refuse to go back where i came from. I refuse to let my horrific past dictate a future of my choosing.

If I don't think like a billionaire I cant become one. I am a billionaire in my head. I may not have a billion dollars, I might find my self flat ass broke tomorrow, but if I believe I am poor... I will be poor.
If I believe I am stupid, I will prove to myself how stupid I can be, and find others to show me the same.

I spent a very long time filling in those deep ruts in the roads in my mind... I will never go back to that place that had me wanting to no longer live, that place of utter worthlessness... And I will NEVER not try to help someone out of there, when they are stuck.

Its a MINDSET, we have a whole lot of control that we have been programmed to think we do not.

I hope this helps...

 

[haileyrenee]

I know how bad it sucks... When my head gets messed up, my stomach gets messed up (or is it the other way around?)

I have been there in the dread, and still get trapped there but those times are getting less and less..

I was taught a secret that helps... Its not cure, it just helps A LOT.

We are what we think... Nothing more nothing less. We are the reality that surrounds us.

I see it as ruts on a road in my head. "Oh I dread going to work... Its gonna suck today...."
That is a thought process that puts out chemicals that bring fourth that very viewpoint of a reality that is nothing like how we are viewing it, IF we deem it not so.

If we see ourselves as failures... We are just that guaranteed. If we say we cant, then its a sure bet we wont. Its ALL a mindset, and YES us ASD people do have lots of tumbling thoughts, but I just grab one as it tries to gain traction in my head and tell it "thank you, but no thank you", or if I'm in a real froggy mood... I will tell it to go back to the darkness where it came from.

We are the centre point of our reality... Make that reality YOURS... Write that book while people are setting around soaking up Netflix. Study about becoming a more positive being, learn who you are...
Its what I do every day all day. Sometimes it works... Sometimes ASD knocks me flat on my ass, but I get back up and I will always get back up until it get tired out... because I refuse to go back where i came from. I refuse to let my horrific past dictate a future of my choosing.

If I don't think like a billionaire I cant become one. I am a billionaire in my head. I may not have a billion dollars, I might find my self flat ass broke tomorrow, but if I believe I am poor... I will be poor.
If I believe I am stupid, I will prove to myself how stupid I can be, and find others to show me the same.

I spent a very long time filling in those deep ruts in the roads in my mind... I will never go back to that place that had me wanting to no longer live, that place of utter worthlessness... And I will NEVER not try to help someone out of there, when they are stuck.

Its a MINDSET, we have a whole lot of control that we have been programmed to think we do not.

I hope this helps...

i wish i could agree to this post 100x. thank you for articulating my thoughts so eloquently.

 

[Ambi]

I have read that many aspies may end up working part time if possible, that full time work can burn us out and be unhealthy for us - or they wind up like me, working for about 2 years, burning out, then quitting, have a big gap while trying to find something else, then repeating the process. I am always recuperating between bouts of employment. I am trying to find work that might have the least negative impact on me and the least amount of burnout - I really want to learn to deal with that sense of dread, too! yeah, I hate that. When it's too much, I've taken sick days.

 

[clg114]

I have been very, very lucky in my working career. I have always worked with my special interest (machines) and worked alone for 95% of that time. How lucky can a Aspie be? Before I retired, I worked full time plus whatever overtime that I could get. For the last 9 years I have worked for myself doing the same thing. I really, really like what I do for a living. That is why I am still doing it at 71. Everyone should like their work.

 

[Manuheleku]

Hi everyone,

I work full-time and have done so since university (and worked part-time before uni), with the occasional year-or-two gap due to mental health difficulties (before I realised I could be aspie). I have always hated working in the sense that I can never seem to release myself from the morning dread and feelings of panic before every work day. I tried very hard with my current job to not care so much about it, and it worked for a while, but I feel the familiar sicky feelings each morning now, though not as strongly as back when I worked in London or before uni. I also struggle at work with stressful situations and work pressure, and panic flares up my belly. I feel like it's catastrophic. It helps to take things step by step, which my fiancé helped me realise, so now I have to force myself to not think about everything all at once and to just look at the piece of paper or folder in front of me.

I also struggle with not being able to accept the whole concept of full-time 9-5 work. It just seems so unhealthy to me, and often meaningless. I know there are a lot of rewarding jobs out there with meaning, but due to my struggles in life, the best I have been able to achieve is an admin position with too much stress and not enough pay. I have creative dreams - one day I would like to make a living from selling my illustrations or write a book - but I never seem to be able to actually do them due to fear.

I don't mean to sound "woe is me" or like I don't understand how lucky I am to even be able to work and get a job in the first place, but I was just wondering if there is anyone out there who feels the same way?

Sound a lot like me before the stress got so bad that I had to go to a doctor who gave me meds to handle it. Then I got my diagnosis for Aspergers and my shrink determined that I had also was ADHD and prescribed meds for that. Now I have no problems in the morning and actually am starting to enjoy it again like I did when I was younger.

 

[Judge]

When work truly becomes toxic to a person over a fair amount of time, the best thing you can probably do for yourself is to quit.

"Been there done that, got the t-shirt."

Something my father never learned and ultimately paid for it with his life. Perseverance in work is a noble thing. Unless it's literally killing you.

 

[Ambi]

Sound a lot like me before the stress got so bad that I had to go to a doctor who gave me meds to handle it. Then I got my diagnosis for Aspergers and my shrink determined that I had also was ADHD and prescribed meds for that. Now I have no problems in the morning and actually am starting to enjoy it again like I did when I was younger.

I am curious - if you don't mind sharing, did you have to take tests to figure out if you needed ADHD meds? I am not sure if I have a bad attitude or it's just to be expected with the stresses of navigating NT world and work with Asperger's, or if I need meds for something like mild depression/anxiety or ADD. But I'm wondering what that process is like - do I go to the doctor and just say I have dread in the morning? Or would they just put me on meds and see what happens?

 

[Rob Schlintz]

Hi everyone,

I work full-time and have done so since university (and worked part-time before uni), with the occasional year-or-two gap due to mental health difficulties (before I realised I could be aspie). I have always hated working in the sense that I can never seem to release myself from the morning dread and feelings of panic before every work day. I tried very hard with my current job to not care so much about it, and it worked for a while, but I feel the familiar sicky feelings each morning now, though not as strongly as back when I worked in London or before uni. I also struggle at work with stressful situations and work pressure, and panic flares up my belly. I feel like it's catastrophic. It helps to take things step by step, which my fiancé helped me realise, so now I have to force myself to not think about everything all at once and to just look at the piece of paper or folder in front of me.

I also struggle with not being able to accept the whole concept of full-time 9-5 work. It just seems so unhealthy to me, and often meaningless. I know there are a lot of rewarding jobs out there with meaning, but due to my struggles in life, the best I have been able to achieve is an admin position with too much stress and not enough pay. I have creative dreams - one day I would like to make a living from selling my illustrations or write a book - but I never seem to be able to actually do them due to fear.

I don't mean to sound "woe is me" or like I don't understand how lucky I am to even be able to work and get a job in the first place, but I was just wondering if there is anyone out there who feels the same way?

 

[Rob Schlintz]

I current;y in early 40s work as delivery driver for produce warehouse, best job ever I go in get route deliver, do any 2nd routes 2 hrs go home, usually 6am to 2 am, sometimes I'll get a 3rd rte busy day inside I feel furious even though will enjoy paycheck, I enjoy 6.5 hr routes, i work 6 days a week, 1 10 hr day to Madison to start week, guess I not like overtime unless plan for, may relate

 

[Manuheleku]

I am curious - if you don't mind sharing, did you have to take tests to figure out if you needed ADHD meds? I am not sure if I have a bad attitude or it's just to be expected with the stresses of navigating NT world and work with Asperger's, or if I need meds for something like mild depression/anxiety or ADD. But I'm wondering what that process is like - do I go to the doctor and just say I have dread in the morning? Or would they just put me on meds and see what happens?

Actually I had a battery of tests that I went through about a year ago through my insurance and it was determined that I had social anxiety issues. I didn't agree with the diagnosis because the outfit that diagnosed me didn't really seem to spend enough time with me to make a diagnosis based on my actions or how I felt. It was predominantly based on scores on tests. So, I spent some money to see a doctor specializing in ADHD and Aspergers, both in children and adults. He looked at the results from the previous tests which I brought to him and he interviewed me and determined that I was an aspie and that I had Inactive ADHD. That was kind of a surprise to me. Anyway, he prescribed me meds for the ADHD and I have been feeling much better since. That was a couple months ago. It's helped me focus on things and to slow down before I act to gather my thoughts and better understand where coworkers and managers are coming from. It also seems to help me deal with things off work and at home, manage my urge to get upset over minor issues and deal with people better.

 

[Misery]

I havent worked in years, but I remember feeling alot of this way back when.

Most stressful job I held: Working at a bank. I operated a check sorter; most bank locations dont have one of these. It's a huge machine about the size of a car. It's function: shred checks and spray them into the air and/or make horrible squealing noises. Okay not really, it's for sorting checks into various categories REALLY REALLY FAST. Millions of dollars in checks would come through each day. They all had to be threaded into that thing. Well, things, plural, as there were two of them. Had to run both at once. The problem: They were made out of crazy. They screwed up and went bonkers OFTEN. I had to find ways to deal with this. Every day, I'd be kinda dreading what the loopy things would do next and whether I could handle it and not get in trouble. And with two of them running REALLY FREAKING FAST at the same time, all the time, it could get crazy.

What made it worse: Never had training for it. My original position was "data processing" where I'd mindlessly type into a computer the money amount displayed on each scanned check, along with about 15 people doing the same. At some point they decided, for reasons beyond my comprehension, "YOU DO THIS NOW INSTEAD". My response: "Okay what. WHAT." Kept this up for a year. This was a part-time position.

Not that I didnt have some okay jobs though. I worked at EB Games (later to become Gamestop) for awhile... that could be nice. I had some funny stories from there. Like the time I was putting games on shelves on the wall, but accidentally elbowed one, and THE ENTIRE SET OF RACKS collapsed. My boss at the time stares at it for a moment, looks at me with this big grin, and says "Well, I know what YOU'RE doing for the next 3 hours. I'm off to lunch, have fun". And then there was the Toys R Us, where I actually had some freaking freedom. Every other job was ultra-structured: Do exact things the exact way or else. Toys R Us though... I worked in the gaming department of course, and each day there'd be this cart of stuff, sometimes 2 or three, sitting there. I was told to "do stuff with these". So I would, it was up to me as to how to deal with each. The funny bit though was that managers... actual freaking MANAGERS... would come to that section with things from there that had been dropped elsewhere in the store, and would say things like "Here's this thing, do whatever you're supposed to do with it, I really dont know". Or sometimes "What the heck is this? Does this go in this section?" You dont expect that sort of thing from managers.

Those "okay" jobs were very rare though. Most of them were horrible. All part-time, because there's no way in hell I could have handled full-time. I couldnt even comprehend the idea of spending that many hours in a job. I still cant. I also learned how godawful customers could be.

Very abruptly after the Toys R Us job, everything changed, and I havent had to work again since then, and likely never will. Got very, very lucky there. By now, I'd be a total wreck if that had kept up.

Seriously, I dont know how people can deal with jobs the way they do. Particularly full-time. Even moreso when it's someone on the spectrum. Anyone that can, has my respect.

Particularly if they work in customer service. They also then have my sympathy.

 

[ErinH]

Thanks to everyone who has replied. I work full-time 9-5. I don't believe I have a choice. My family won't support me as they think they're enabling me to be dependent. I was almost homeless at one point because of this. I have been on benefits and that hell is even worse than this one. I don't know what to do. My fiancé has schizophrenia and takes medication for this. He only just got a full-time job and struggles himself with feelings of being overwhelmed. I have been supporting him financially for the past 10 months. I barely even earn above minimum wage. I just feel almost enslaved by this, and I hate it. I have tried thinking positively and creating my own reality. It worked a few months ago but it doesn't work anymore. I don't know how I cope. I have a lot of panic attacks, almost every day. My job involves a lot of uncertainty, planning ahead and responsibility. It's too much sometimes (almost daily). I'm here now at work, trying not to cry.

 

[ErinH]

I havent worked in years, but I remember feeling alot of this way back when.

Most stressful job I held: Working at a bank. I operated a check sorter; most bank locations dont have one of these. It's a huge machine about the size of a car. It's function: shred checks and spray them into the air and/or make horrible squealing noises. Okay not really, it's for sorting checks into various categories REALLY REALLY FAST. Millions of dollars in checks would come through each day. They all had to be threaded into that thing. Well, things, plural, as there were two of them. Had to run both at once. The problem: They were made out of crazy. They screwed up and went bonkers OFTEN. I had to find ways to deal with this. Every day, I'd be kinda dreading what the loopy things would do next and whether I could handle it and not get in trouble. And with two of them running REALLY FREAKING FAST at the same time, all the time, it could get crazy.

What made it worse: Never had training for it. My original position was "data processing" where I'd mindlessly type into a computer the money amount displayed on each scanned check, along with about 15 people doing the same. At some point they decided, for reasons beyond my comprehension, "YOU DO THIS NOW INSTEAD". My response: "Okay what. WHAT." Kept this up for a year. This was a part-time position.

Not that I didnt have some okay jobs though. I worked at EB Games (later to become Gamestop) for awhile... that could be nice. I had some funny stories from there. Like the time I was putting games on shelves on the wall, but accidentally elbowed one, and THE ENTIRE SET OF RACKS collapsed. My boss at the time stares at it for a moment, looks at me with this big grin, and says "Well, I know what YOU'RE doing for the next 3 hours. I'm off to lunch, have fun". And then there was the Toys R Us, where I actually had some freaking freedom. Every other job was ultra-structured: Do exact things the exact way or else. Toys R Us though... I worked in the gaming department of course, and each day there'd be this cart of stuff, sometimes 2 or three, sitting there. I was told to "do stuff with these". So I would, it was up to me as to how to deal with each. The funny bit though was that managers... actual freaking MANAGERS... would come to that section with things from there that had been dropped elsewhere in the store, and would say things like "Here's this thing, do whatever you're supposed to do with it, I really dont know". Or sometimes "What the heck is this? Does this go in this section?" You dont expect that sort of thing from managers.

Those "okay" jobs were very rare though. Most of them were horrible. All part-time, because there's no way in hell I could have handled full-time. I couldnt even comprehend the idea of spending that many hours in a job. I still cant. I also learned how godawful customers could be.

Very abruptly after the Toys R Us job, everything changed, and I havent had to work again since then, and likely never will. Got very, very lucky there. By now, I'd be a total wreck if that had kept up.

Seriously, I dont know how people can deal with jobs the way they do. Particularly full-time. Even moreso when it's someone on the spectrum. Anyone that can, has my respect.

Particularly if they work in customer service. They also then have my sympathy.

I've had a similar work history, changing from job to job. I've never actually enjoyed one of them. There was one where I liked the actual work, but it was working with a team of twenty other women. The bitching was just too much, far too triggering for me. I had to leave. Plus the commute wasn't great either! I feel like I have to keep this job as I want to end my pattern of starting and quitting jobs. I've had worse jobs than this, and who's to say that if I did quit, the next job wouldn't be even worse.