Refusal To Conform

[KevinMao133]

Whenever I ask others how to go on dates, they always tell me the same thing: just hit the gym

It’s like the sole purpose of life is chasing women and the only way to do so is by being fit

I personally hate this culture, thus refusing to go to the gym. I don’t want to end up like one of those guys, people that are superficial

I would love to stay healthy, eat clean but I’m sure not heck not doing it for others. I don’t like the world, I don’t like the culture

Being constantly put down due to the fact that I refuse to play the game is exhausting to say the least

 

[jsilver256]

People are advised to get fit quite often. Were you told this in a mean way?

You are free to reject any advice you are given, with the risk that you are rejecting the solution to the original problem.

 

[KevinMao133]

People are advised to get fit quite often. Were you told this in a mean way?

You are free to reject any advice you are given, with the risk that you are rejecting the solution to the original problem.

I was being told the only way to go on dates is through improving my body

I don’t want to do that. I want to change things

I’m not even being looked at, which is affecting my mental health

 

[Aspychata]

Perhaps find someone closer to your size, because woman run into the same issues also.

 

[KevinMao133]

Perhaps find someone closer to your size, because woman run into the same issues also.

At this point, I will date anyone

Anyone that’s genuine

 

[velociraptor]

It’s like the sole purpose of life is chasing women and the only way to do so is by being fit

Being more fit is a good idea whether you're dating or not. You don't have to go to a gym to do this.

The difference losing 100 lbs makes.

I didn't do this to pick up chicks as I am already married and have been so for nearly a quarter century. I got sick and tired of being sick and tired and did something about it. I walk. I do archery. I enjoy VR exercise. I'm crazy about paddle boarding:

I also have resistance bands, a walking pad, and an aerobics step. I had ChatGPT build me a daily exercise routine I am doing now combining all of the stuff I have and things I do. I sleep better. I think better. I feel better. I am much more fit. I advocate improving your fitness in any way you can to improve your quality of life.

And, if you get a date out of it, even better!

 

[FilterFreq]

personally hate this culture, thus refusing to go to the gym. I don’t want to end up like one of those guys, people that are superficial

I'm with you on this. Some people act like selling their soul or losing their core beliefs is no big deal, but I think there's a lot to lose when buying into stereotypes like this.

I found fitness well into my marriage, and thus have never used it as a 'selling point', either -- love is deeper than that, for me. Looking for someone who's genuine really means that the odds are in your favor of finding that, instead of finding someone who only likes you for superficial reasons.

But as I always say, fitness is totally worth trying for loads of other reasons if you're ever interested! I can't recommend it quite enough

 

[FilterFreq]

Being more fit is a good idea whether you're dating or not. You don't have to go to a gym to do this.

The difference losing 100 lbs makes.

I didn't do this to pick up chicks as I am already married and have been so for nearly a quarter century. I got sick and tired of being sick and tired and did something about it. I walk. I do archery. I enjoy VR exercise. I'm crazy about paddle boarding:

I also have resistance bands, a walking pad, and an aerobics step. I had ChatGPT build me a daily exercise routine I am doing now combining all of the stuff I have and things I do. I sleep better. I think better. I feel better. I am much more fit. I advocate improving your fitness in any way you can to improve your quality of life.

And, if you get a date out of it, even better!

Whoa, congratulations on this! I love hearing other fitness success stories

 

[Rodafina]

Being constantly put down due to the fact that I refuse to play the game is exhausting to say the least

It sounds like you don't want to conform but also feel badly about not conforming.

Truly being a nonconformist involves acceptance. I think another inevitable element of not conforming is running into people who don't approve. It's all part of it and learning to not take on others' thinking and expectations as your own is part of comfortably not conforming, I think.

It might be helpful to focus on how you see yourself rather than always imagining or thinking about how others see you. Authenticity sometimes leads us to nonconformity.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

Whenever I ask others how to go on dates, they always tell me the same thing: just hit the gym

It’s like the sole purpose of life is chasing women and the only way to do so is by being fit

I personally hate this culture, thus refusing to go to the gym. I don’t want to end up like one of those guys, people that are superficial

I would love to stay healthy, eat clean but I’m sure not heck not doing it for others. I don’t like the world, I don’t like the culture

Being constantly put down due to the fact that I refuse to play the game is exhausting to say the least

You make some valid points here, but there is some truth in the fact that "If you are going to go fishing, you need some bait." Your beautiful, Greek god body will attract the other sex, no doubt, but then what? More to the point of your narrative. As people age, gain some life wisdom, they tend to look for a life partner. People begin to realize that at the end of the day, "I have to live with this other person." Working in healthcare, and specifically, my field, a neonatal nursery, I deal with all sorts of parents. There are plenty of loving couples that, frankly, are not physically attractive. I don't know how they met each other, I can't comment on that, but it is a common thing, probably more common than seeing two beautiful people as a couple.

You still have to be "available" to meet and talk with people. If there is any "bait on the hook", it will be your intelligence, your morals, your integrity, your willingness to be a responsible, caring, loving person. If you talk to enough people, others will see what you have to offer them as a partner.

 

[Rocco]

@KevinMao133 you posted this in the love dating and relationships section.
You posted conflicting statements, saying the lack of attention is affecting you, implied you want a partner, then stubbornly refuse to improve yourself or your attitude in order to get a partner. I will offer some basic advice to try to help you.

You don’t have to be fit or perfect looking to find a partner. You do have to have a healthy attitude if you want a partner. There are ugly couples, fat couples, skinny couples, beautiful couples, so looks is not 100% of everything.
Looking through your post history here is a lot of negativity and bitterness. Those two characteristics will repel any well adjusted romantic interest, and I can confidently say that based on real world experience.

Women (and men) can pick up on that type of emotion (negative attitudes) and it is a turn off to everyone except unhealthy partner options.

If you sincerely want to find a partner, you need to work on yourself and your attitude.
If you do the work to improve your outlook and attitude you have a much better chance to find what you are looking for.

I have been married, in long term relationships, and dated enough to know that if you want a quality partner, you HAVE to be a quality partner. You have to be in a good headspace and have a healthy perspective to achieve any real dating success.
Wanting a partner out of sheer loneliness, and not doing any real work on yourself will get you nothing or a toxic partner at best. You need to respect and love yourself before you can hope to truly love someone else.
It’s like needing money and wishing you could be rich, wealthy, or win the lottery. You have to work for the money or buy a lottery ticket. If you are just waiting for a miracle without being proactive, you will wait forever.

The path you are currently on is not taking you where you want to go in life. You will need to change direction and find a new path if you seriously hope to find a partner.

That might mean getting therapy, reading lots of self help info, focusing on yourself and your faults, or exercising to get in better shape physically. If you are not willing to do some or any of those things, you will only have yourself to blame.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

Why I have a small home save driving to gym interacting with too many others

 

[Shevek]

I rode a bicycle instead of going to the gym and paying to pretend to ride one. I got where I wanted to go for the the best time/money compromise in the city by far. I didn't have to wait for rides, or make small talk during them. On a busy day, I got more exercise instead of none, burning off the stress. And I had quite a few lovers who thought I was interesting, but none who I approached first.

 

[Magna]

The "deck" is stacked against you, @KevinMao133 if the internet is to be at all believed. Hopefully things in society will course correct before our species is doomed for the dustbin of history.

The dating "deck" is stacked against you and every other man who is perfectly average precisely because of social media.

Think of generations ago, maybe even back to the silent film era. There were male actors that captivated and mesmerized women and fueled their fantasies. Rudolph Valentino, Douglas Fairbanks, etc. Great that they were the stuff of fantasies for women because the likelihood that such men would ever contact, acknowledge, etc the average women of the world was nil. So what did the women do? The same thing they did for centuries and centuries prior: Average women married average men and they had families and lives together. Children, grandchildren, great grandchildren. And for the most part, they were happy. How do we know this? Because there is no constant sentiment from aged women back then saying things like: "Marriage sucked, men suck, my life I had sucked, etc." The opposite was the norm (ie loving marriages that were mutually beneficial).

Now, with social media, internet dating sites, etc. attractive male sex addicts, more than happy to "date down", are doing just that. Dating down (ie hooking up with women that are far less attractive than they are and purely for casual and often one time sex) and apparently in a lot of cases, dating way down.

So in essence, today, women not only can often communicate with the attractive "heartthrobs" of today, they can sleep with such men (and then be dumped or ghosted by them just as quickly). The "average" men who actually want loving committed monogamous long term relationships, marriages, familes, etc are left by the wayside and everyone suffers as a result.

Also, "average" doesn't/shouldn't mean bad. Average makes up nearly all of our species and includes both sexes.

I wish you the best of luck.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

This is going to back fire on the women in the next few years as they hit menopause. Wow is it going to hit the fan. My older son was one of these attractive guys all the dating got too pricy for him. Settled for a woman with a child.
He has the looks of a movie star and the personality to match very outgoing. One job interview female owner made him manager.

 

[Magna]

This is going to back fire on the women in the next few years as they hit menopause. Wow is it going to hit the fan.

It already is. There are countless "shorts", tictock videos, etc of women in their 30s, 40s, 50s and even 60s that say they're desperate for a relationship but can't find a "good" man. But you're right, it's only going to get worse.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

My son made a good choice as she is starting to see her son may be autistic. I can see it being careful in the types of gifts I give him. He is nine now. Dad was engineer. My son fortunately was one of the "good men" and I want to be the "good grand father".

 

[Rodafina]

"shorts", tictock videos, etc of women in their 30s, 40s, 50s and even 60s that say they're desperate for a relationship but can't find a "good" man.

Not a representative source of women. I think you generalize too much based on what you've learned about social media and dating apps. There are plenty of us out here that are nothing like the women that you describe.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

Not a representative source of women. I think you generalize too much based on what you've learned about social media and dating apps. There are plenty of us out here that are nothing like the women that you describe.

I hope so If I pass in the next few years would like to see my wife land on her feet. Watched her best friend who lost her husband last years she fit the profile perfectly bothered me told her so. Watching her date she is no beauty queen one guy was too fat she was previously heavy herself lost weight due to medical condition, next guy was to pathetic as he lived with parent having lost home to ex wife in her eyes her too needy. The guy need to be able to pay her mortgage and bills This is a woman in her late fifties, living on her late husbands pension Anecdote, yes but U-tube once you watch one video picks similar ignored most as not something I interested, noticed lots of angry woman in the few I did watch.

 

[Magna]

Not a representative source of women. I think you generalize too much based on what you've learned about social media and dating apps. There are plenty of us out here that are nothing like the women that you describe.

^ This is very comforting and hopeful. Now we just need to figure out how to match the scores of single young men who actually want to have a quality relationship with the like-minded women you refer to. The large percentage of young men who are not single by choice, larger a percentage than in any recent history, is weird if the number of women who want a relationship are actually still the majority and really haven't changed at all. That part doesn't compute.