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Xinyta's thought space
- Author Xinyta
- Create date
- Updated
The title kinda sounds like the start to some self-aware joke. I wish I could say that it is... it's not.
I have been looking at behavior patterns with myself. The things I do and how I behave in the worst moments. It all wreaks of attention seeking. But like, juvenile attention seeking. All...
I think I am stuck on mental auto-pilot as far as trying to live. The auto-pilot is survival or maybe, more specifically, existing. No matter if I am in a bad situation or not, I treat it as a bad situation by default. And just go through my habitual motions. Ignoring reality and life.
I am now...
I had a not so great day today. I froze up, stared into space, and just shut off. Even though there was a task to do today. A few of them in fact.
Fix the disk fixture that holds the lightbulb, in the garage.
Help with trimming the bushes and cleaning up.
I did neither. I shut off and shut...
I know I have always talked like humanity is something to be apart of. Yet I have days where I question that notion. Question if I truly belong.
Do I even belong on this forum?
Do I belong anywhere?
I feel like the only place I belong, is in my own darkness. Hidden from the world and living...
You know. I always mention how there are clues in our wording, when we are down on ourselves. Yet, I have never applied it to myself. I know I'll not figure it about by stewing on it, yet I internalize it anyway.
I feel I must look at all I've written down and see if there are patterns I can...
I have started looking into the idea of a dual layered system. Masking and a psychological defense bubble. Entities on thier own serving thier psychological purposes for different things. It's a work in progress, but I have dubbed this idea the 'Super Sheild Theory'.
I will most likely have...
I see my folly.
I am afraid of the truth. I am afraid to face myself. I have never in my life have ever let go of anything. I have blamed this. I have blamed that. But I have largely blamed myself for things that I have no control over. Blamed myself for things that never existed. Blamed myself...
This is a thing I need to admit to myself. No matter how much I despised her, I still took on her traits.
I took on:
- Being Pessimistic
- Despising everyone and everything
- Being overall negative about everything
- Blaming everyone but myself
- Being Selfish
- Panicing over simple things that...
I've found today, that my mind's negative nature is far more insidious than I gave it credit for. Well played kid me. Well played.
What it is, is that my mind constantly looks for something by default to distract me from reality. Since I started limiting my phone, my mental state is now trying...
This was oddly a late night thought process last night. Thinking about what it would be like to be a nudist. And if I'd possibly enjoy it. Though I was mildy tipsy and pretty tired from from 3 beers, so that may of influenced it a bit.
Though let's get the less safe for work thing out of the...
My issue with paying attention isn't that I don't. It's just that my focus is in the wrong place.
I am really seeing it now, that taking my mental state and what I focus on, in to account. I need to keep my mind active to avoid negatively spiraling. This is especially important when I am alone...
There is something that I am now considering. That my misery cycle had a side component to it. Not that it is surprising. But I think I put myself in a infinite loop of autistic burnout because of stress and anxiety.
It would explain alot. My mental state being what it's been, fueled my...
What I mean is that I am not in the right mental state to face the world. I'm not entirely ready for situations that can happen in the world. This isn't self-deprecation. Just self-realization.
I am not pleased by this, but I need to also remember this till I am ready. Same with my foggy, lost...
I am fairly certain I am gay. It just is starting to make alot of sense. I really cannot justify anything else.
I've looked back a little at thoughts and what I tend to go to alot for adult content. I don't seriously think I could justify being with a woman partner. Ever. I'm, if anything, akin...
It's going to sound strange, but I feel like I have gifted powers of a sort.
I can see and sense alot of energies. Elemental and even emotional energies. Positive and Negative energies. Essentually, the auras of life itself. I can even tap into the source and feed from it, if I desire to...
Just to preface this for those who are unaware or are thrown off by my profile pic. I am male. A very confused male trying to find his way.
I am starting to believe from my behaviors, and actions, that I might be gay. The only thing putting a monkey wrench in that certainty is a lack of sexual...
The voices echo.
The very actions of people seem all against you.
Yet it all doesn't exist.
Negativity warps thoughts.
Anxiety warps perception.
Depression warps reality.
The darkness lurking in the subconscious, is like a imp whispering foul obscenities into your ear.
It traps our...
I know the title doesn't make sense, but it pertains to my habitual desire to quit before I even begin. I've taken to calling it Quiter's Syndrome.
Though humorous labling aside. I do consider this a serious issue within myself. Though the two major points that made me break to the point of...
I am a Self-tormenter. Inflicting punishments on myself. Believing I don't deserve anything, because I will not allow myself to get over my own upbringing. I feel like the only thing I am obligated to is beratement and punishment for being who I am.
Though the worst punishment I have done to...
This is my biggest problem that haunts my every move, action and general thought. I am starting to see it as immaturity, due to my lack of understanding of how life functionally works in every way. I have no experience in many things, but I self-doubt success in every regard, despite having zero...
Blog information
More entries from Xinyta
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Early Life part 2I do only remember bits and pieces of what happened. My dad found the woman who would be my... -
Early LifeI don't remember my birth, like many. Though I lack alot of memory in the few years after that...
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PreludeHate. No one has any idea how strong of an emotion it is. No one thinks about the pain that is...
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To all that readThis is the story of how my life happened and how it affected me. Alot of my early years was...
More blogs from Xinyta
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Lost Child Syndrome: A Journey through ASD and NegelectThis is my life story of how I got to where I am. Will update as frequently as I can.
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Xinyta's Game CornerA blog for my general views, and thoughts, on videogames I like.