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I don't belong

I know I have always talked like humanity is something to be apart of. Yet I have days where I question that notion. Question if I truly belong.

Do I even belong on this forum?

Do I belong anywhere?

I feel like the only place I belong, is in my own darkness. Hidden from the world and living in my own world, outside of reality. To not communicate with people. To not engage the world.

People put seeds of doubt in me. Doubts of if I really could be around any of them. Can I truly connect with them? Or is it all lies?

Am I truly meant to be alone?

Am I even meant to be happy? Or just endlessly miserable?

I do feel that sometimes I am deluding myself into believing I am happier when I try to better myself. Maybe I was happier being isolated and alone. The strange, quiet, autistic manchild, that plays videogames and lives off being on the dole.

Maybe I am confused. Or I am just facing a test of who I really am. A lazy slug or a productive member of society. A strange recluse with no dreams and desires, or a sociable person with dreams and desires.

I find it difficult to not see myself as a failure in almost anything I do. To avoid trying to begin with and not facing the frustration of others, when I do inevitably make some kind of stupid mistake.

It all eats at my belief of belonging. Not that I had much belief to begin with.

I don't belong. I just exist.


For anyone curious. This blog post is just a negative thought release post. I really don't believe any of this. Especially now. With the progress I've made.
Just saw this. For what it's worth, I look forward to your posts here. I don't know if that means you belong here, but that has to count for something.

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