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Personal

AprilR
1 min read
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81
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Personal
All my life has been one way sympathies. Me trying to respond to other people's kindness without having anything to give. I don't have worth according to them. I accept this without hating myself but being with them is hard. Their subconscious feelings affect me too hard and make me feel...
Chailatte_
4 min read
Views
274
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5
Personal
It's a 'please, don't trample the flowerbed!' continue. We're taught not to step on flowerbeds since childhood when there's still no distinction between man-made and natural. Why should a flower inside a flowerbed be more important or beautiful than a wild one? Why should a flowerbed, bordered...
AprilR
1 min read
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210
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1
Personal
In the past i begged for people's attention and love. Faking a personality and hiding everything i am, trying to win the prize of people's tolerance. It made me hate myself all the more since i had to work hard for it, it means i am naturally defective, ugly and disgusting. I also felt guilty...
Raggamuffin
5 min read
Views
331
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1
Personal
Waiting to hear from the mechanic about when he can look at the car. He said he'd check his diary today and let me know. Work has given me today off, and I have no work until Friday. That is, if I can get my car fixed by Thursday. I hope for a quick fix. I asked my folks if I could borrow their...
Xinyta
1 min read
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98
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Personal
There are alot of factors that either are traits of my parents or cause by them being horrible people: - My response to being suggested logical considerations, is self-deprecation. - My response to being called out, is throwing a tantrum. - My response to life being the way it is, is fear. -...
Raggamuffin
3 min read
Views
68
Personal
Woke up feeling quite refreshed. On my drive in I felt rather positive. Later in the morning I had soke missed calls, they wanted me to change shift on Sunday and work a round in central Cambridge. I'm not keen on the traffic and one of the clients, but I said yes as there's so clients who are...
AprilR
1 min read
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119
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Personal
While i feel lonely sometimes, my oldest emotion is the want to be alone. Because when you are alone there is no shame. No disgusting other people and dirtying them. When i think of the present time, this thought does not make much sense but it persists. Like all feelings i wont deny this one...
Xinyta
2 min read
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118
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1
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1
Personal
For a very long time, I have felt trapped by the situation I was in growing up. But the truth is, I wasn't as trapped as I made myself believe. The only real trap was the lies I told myself. That I am in a hopeless situation. My stepmother despised me. My father never was around as much as I...
Raggamuffin
11 min read
Views
108
Personal
Time to face the music of sobriety - flushed the last bit of weed I had the other night. Most times I smoked my aches and symptoms of stress would get worse. A lot smoke for pain, for me it made it worse. I get a lot more done in life when sober, but I always miss weed whenever I give it up...
Xinyta
1 min read
Views
244
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1
Personal
I am growing tired of, even find annoyance, with videogames. Not because I just flipped a switch and just started hating them. It's a more personal reason. Videogames have consumed my whole life or at least what little life I had through existing. I've noticed that all my mind wants to think...
Kavigant
1 min read
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149
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1
Personal
After the events in Israel of October 7th, I fell into a pretty bad spiral of fear and doom. Watching subsequent world events affected me very strongly until finally, this past weekend, I pretty much just fell apart. My blogging here during that time was emotional and I have removed some things...
Kavigant
1 min read
Views
203
Personal
I will be meeting with a health care provider for the first official step toward my evaluation for ASD. I believe that today's step is just the initial screening to see whether I get to take a full evaluation. Still, I am extremely nervous. This will be my first time speaking with an authority...
Kavigant
1 min read
Views
217
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1
Personal
My wife shared with me today the fact that having the framework of autism as a prism through which to view my behaviors has already helped her to understand me better. We have a fantastic marriage and she is a remarkably patient and empathetic person who also happens to have an academic...
Kavigant
1 min read
Views
214
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1
Personal
I got a text from an old co-worker of mine today. He's a really good guy whom I respect, but we only chat once or twice a year. We usually talk about politics and current events. Today I told him that I'm making peace with possibly being ASD1. His response? "Oh. Makes sense. It also explains...
Kavigant
2 min read
Views
191
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1
Personal
As I make peace with the falling away of my religious faith, I have been going to atheist YouTube channels and reading some threads which discuss religion. I have been very surprised by some aspects of the atheist channels and by some of the posts by non-religious people. The number one thing I...
Kavigant
1 min read
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249
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1
Personal
I got up early today and have been reading a lot. And I've suddenly started crying. I started crying for no reason. For no reason other than: Reading an article on Medium entitled, “Your brain is constantly looking for rules.” — why autism is exhausting and diagnosis matters I don't know why...
AprilR
1 min read
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187
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1
Personal
Remembering you and the feelings i felt at the time. Loving you was like paradise to me, with its good and bad. I felt like now that i know there is someone like you in the world, someone with a heart of gold i can bear all the unhappiness i will endure from now on. Maybe i idealized you too...
Rogue Princess
1 min read
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518
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2
Personal
Did a mega shopping binge on temu I never get to buy myself treats. Nice to have a splurge
Twilight
2 min read
Views
160
Personal
I grimaced as I slowly sat down in the cushioned chair next to the window in my room. The grey, evening mist swirled in the parking lot and around the drab houses and bare trees across from the hospital. I contemplated the ominous sound the doors had made when they locked behind me upon my...
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