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Self-Doubt

This is my biggest problem that haunts my every move, action and general thought. I am starting to see it as immaturity, due to my lack of understanding of how life functionally works in every way. I have no experience in many things, but I self-doubt success in every regard, despite having zero experience with nearly anything. I don't know what will happen. But I catastrophise before anything even happens and just sit on the negativity. Avoiding even trying.

I think it affects even eatting and other activities. I fear things that won't happen. I fear a lack of live for mistakes. I fear being yelled at and expecting every mistake to be a reason to be yelled at.

I have made my stepmother's very existence, my world. I've made my Dad's abessenteeness, my reality.

Emotionally disconnected and not caring about anything. Believing it has to be this way because they were that way toward me. I must do it to myself. Self-torment. Emotional suppresion. Death of personality and sense of self.

This is my mask. Emotionless and Personless. A enitity with no identity beyond thier condition. No wonder I identify as and find interest in dolls. They look how I feel. Dead but living.

Comments

I feel like you have internalized other people's behavior and feelings towards you, like your step mother. I don't know if you have the oppurtunity to do so, but cutting ties with her might be the best option.
 
You are not off base.

Though I have zero communication with my stepmother. Though that is for the best considering the hate I harbor for her. I can think of 3 or 4 occasions where my desire to unalive her has been a passing thought. Though that was still when I was living in that pigstigh of a house. The echoes of all of it haunt me still.

My Dad rarely visits, but I notice my deminer towards him is oppose of everything I've worked to try being now. I behave like a young child around him. It's like the knowledge of his visit alone ahead of time will even trigger it. Like I cannot be an adult, in any capacity, in his presence. The worst part is that he doesn't seem to care. He can say empty 'I love you's and give out gifts. But it's always behind the guise of something other than genuine love. He wants something. He's willing to buy people off to say 'See. I am a great guy!'. It's all a ruse. Maybe there is guilt in there somewhere, but it's rapped in lies.

The doll comparision isn't just apt for how I feel. It's from the fact I was emotionally and mentally shelved. No one asked about my wellbeing. No one cared enough to try. I was, and still am, too broken to speak up either. I am just a thing to them. Something that lives, breathes, uses the toilet, and eats like a human. But otherwise is seen as less. Something to control. Something to drive for thier purposes. Nothing more. Nothing less.
 
Their behavior towards you and perception of you might have affected you and your own feelings towards yourself. The good thing is, you are not limited to that image.
You can build and create yourself from that image in your mind.
You can interact with new people, get involved in some new activity maybe and little by little your own perception of yourself may change.
To be honest the image i have of you is a good and positive person who is insightful and tries hard to improve themselves. I hope you can see yourself like that too.
 
I really appreciate that.

The past few days have be pretty good for me. I have seen myself doing a bit more than I normally would do. Engaging a bit more with my Uncle. Which is something he has been trying to get me to do, because of how prone I am to self-isolation.

I have frustrated him plenty, but I can tell it's out of love. He really wants to see me succeed, and me falling back and isolating myself goes the opposite way. So I have that going for me.
 
Self isolation is not always bad. I sometimes get too involved in books and video games and my own world. As long as it does not lead to negative thoughts and a sense of detachment from real world it might be good to escape for a little while. You just have to have a healthy balance.
 

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Xinyta
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