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Self-inflicted Punishment

I am a Self-tormenter. Inflicting punishments on myself. Believing I don't deserve anything, because I will not allow myself to get over my own upbringing. I feel like the only thing I am obligated to is beratement and punishment for being who I am.

Though the worst punishment I have done to myself, is the denial of the only thing that brings enjoyment or any happiness. Videogames. I have most likely brought it up before, but I have cut myself off from gaming... mostly. I have some nights that I hook it up. But I end trying to avoid the urges alot. I recognize it as escapism to play. But I am being to wonder if my behaviors in being obstinate to do much else, stem from not allowing myself to game. That my frequent overwhelm and stress is because I am ignoring my desire to game.

It makes me wonder if that is why I couldn't care about anything else. Because I deny myself gaming. It's pathetic honestly. That videogaming has the hold it does on me.

Comments

Did you cut off bc it was too time consuming? I think as long as you are not shirking your responsibilities it is okay to play games/watch tv shows and do whatever you like in your free time.
 
Well. The problem I am figuring out is that videogames were a pacifier for me. I didn't just shirk my responsibilities. I outright ignored them, life, and general psychological/emotional pain. I started equating happiness 100% to videogames and everything else was a 0 for me.

In my own frustration, I have forced myself to stop. Even though it was in good intention. I've also hurt myself, because I will not allow myself any happiness.
 
Ah i see. Balancing work with play is hard, i try to reward myself after doing some chores. Like clean the house/cook and earn one or two episodes of a tv show. Otherwise i also get too engrossed
 

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Xinyta
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