Your relationship status?

[2010Dolby]

apassingword: It took me years to fully get over my ex-fiance. I walked down a road of alcoholism and sexual promiscuity. I hope I don't offend you, but in my experience a relationship that ends bad wasn't providing much happiness while it was still alive.

 

[apassingword]

it didn't even end badly, god I pathetically begged for my obsession/addiction back. I can't fall into alcoholism I can't self medicate this problem away. I wish she would have gave me an excuse to hate her. and, it was providing a lot of happiness.

the idea for an open relationship was going to work we were going to be ****buds, and she liked the idea. then changed her mind I felt like my heart, stomach, and head were all breaking themselves down. god, I feel weak, useless and like I'm going to explode knowing shes going to be seeing other people constantly and I'm not going to get the chance because I just don't have the skills, looks, qualities, or possessions needed to just find randomly love. I mean I doubt give a **** what someone thinks on the internet and hit on everyone. but, that isn't me in real life. I know I can't blame everyone around me, all I can blame is myself for not being good enough to find a partner. I'm just a crazy dependent obsessive idiot who always chases after his own tail the moment he gets dumped pursuing someone who has no interest in him. I love knowing exactly what's going on and being powerless to stop it in my mind. I thought as long as I would still have her or be with her it wouldn't matter, like if I would have brought up the open relationship a month ago me and her might still be together there are all these variables that make me think and try to solve a problem which has no answers and I can't change her mind I've tried. I just became the useless begging little dog. I even hate myself in this message and I can't even bring myself to find one negative trait about her.
Just venting my negative emotions away, sorry if its annoying.

 

[popculturegeeknerd06]

i also hate, how it is okay for a girl to be desperate for a relationship but not okay for a guy

 

[Soup]

I find desperation as pathetic in either a man or a woman. What I notice is that it desperate behaviour can show itself differently depending upon the personality of the affected individual. For instance: I've seen both desperate males & females cry, beg & plead. I've seen another sort of desperate male & female go after their suspected rival if their relationship is ending because their boyfriend or girlfriend ran off with someone else. This kind of desperation is behind a lot of high school type bullying & cyber-bullying. There's another kind that is scarier still: it is the one where the scorned partner says (or thinks) 'If I can't have her/him NOBODY can.' this one is behind so much domestic violence & spousal murder that it isn't funny. Where the 1st form of desperate behaviour looks like weakness, the 2nd looks like bullying & the 3rd looks like narcissistic control, all 3 are expressions of desperation.

I remember someone from back in school. Her boyfriend was cheating & she expected to be dumped any day for girl B (typical high school soap opera fare). Her reaction: cry, plead & beg. The guy wasn't swayed by this but became defensive & lied about cheating with girl B (girl A gossiped this info all over the school). Girl A upped the ante by becoming seriously histrionic: she began starving herself, she began cutting herself, she began following the guy & spying on him like Sherlock Holmes. <----BAD ideas. During one of her spying forays, she caught him with girl B. UH-OH! High seas drama ensued: instead of attacking either party as many scorned lovers would, she whipped out a bottle of pills & in a theatrical rant, gaaked the whole thing down (!) She wound up being carted off in an ambulance as we stunned teenagers all stared (for once the Aspie was NOT the only one staring!).

Somewhere in there are a bunch of lessons for both guys & girls. Either way, I think we recognize desperation & call it that more readily when it is the crying belly-aching kind. When we develop the skills to spot it as the motive behind other more aggressive-looking reactions, we see that it is much more alarmingly pervasive than we'd originally thought.

 

[s4ndm4n2006]

i also hate, how it is okay for a girl to be desperate for a relationship but not okay for a guy

It's not? Who said that?

 

[apassingword]

I find desperation as pathetic in either a man or a woman. What I notice is that it desperate behaviour can show itself differently depending upon the personality of the affected individual. For instance: I've seen both desperate males & females cry, beg & plead. I've seen another sort of desperate male & female go after their suspected rival if their relationship is ending because their boyfriend or girlfriend ran off with someone else. This kind of desperation is behind a lot of high school type bullying & cyber-bullying. There's another kind that is scarier still: it is the one where the scorned partner says (or thinks) 'If I can't have her/him NOBODY can.' this one is behind so much domestic violence & spousal murder that it isn't funny. Where the 1st form of desperate behaviour looks like weakness, the 2nd looks like bullying & the 3rd looks like narcissistic control, all 3 are expressions of desperation.

I remember someone from back in school. Her boyfriend was cheating & she expected to be dumped any day for girl B (typical high school soap opera fare). Her reaction: cry, plead & beg. The guy wasn't swayed by this but became defensive & lied about cheating with girl B (girl A gossiped this info all over the school). Girl A upped the ante by becoming seriously histrionic: she began starving herself, she began cutting herself, she began following the guy & spying on him like Sherlock Holmes. <----BAD ideas. During one of her spying forays, she caught him with girl B. UH-OH! High seas drama ensued: instead of attacking either party as many scorned lovers would, she whipped out a bottle of pills & in a theatrical rant, gaaked the whole thing down (!) She wound up being carted off in an ambulance as we stunned teenagers all stared (for once the Aspie was NOT the only one staring!).

Somewhere in there are a bunch of lessons for both guys & girls. Either way, I think we recognize desperation & call it that more readily when it is the crying belly-aching kind. When we develop the skills to spot it as the motive behind other more aggressive-looking reactions, we see that it is much more alarmingly pervasive than we'd originally thought.

for a site for people with AS, you don't have much respect for people with mental illness and defects. but I do like the rest of the post beyond you calling me pathetic for acknowledging my flaws and venting my emotions in a safe and healthy manner.

 

[Soup]

@APW, Thanks for taking the time to read my post. as for not having respect for people with mental illnesses, there is nowhere in my post that I state, imply or infer anything of the kind. This girl in my example was not mentally ill or diagnosed with anything whatsoever. What she was, was controlling, manipulative, possessive & someone who would stop at nothing to get what she wanted. Since arriving here, I've tried earnestly to help members here who were in the grips of depression & other mental illnesses. My disdain is for manipulative controlling people who think they have the right to 'play act' at being mentally ill in order to get what they want. They're as as bad as those who shave their head, pretend to have cancer & solicit donations for non-existent medical expenses.

As for 'calling you pathetic', I did no such thing for any reason at all. YOU referred to yourself in those terms: please re-read what you wrote. I responded to the comment made by popculturegeeknerd06 that desperation is accepted in girls but not for guys. I think you may have read between the lines of my post & interpreted things in a way I never intended.

Desperate behaviour IS an expression of pathos of some kind. Whether it is a cornered bank robber who grabs a hostage in a last ditch effort at escape, a lover who refuses to accept that the relationship is over or someone who begins gambling or mugging people in the hopes of getting enough money to pay off a bad debt.

 

[HelloDizzy]

I've been proposed to by an Aspie I've been friends with for seven years who is in the Navy and knows every little weird thing (except maybe two) about me.
Issue: he doesn't like regular sex as much as fetishist stuff I'm not big on.

 

[wyverary]

I've been proposed to by an Aspie I've been friends with for seven years who is in the Navy and knows every little weird thing (except maybe two) about me.
Issue: he doesn't like regular sex as much as fetishist stuff I'm not big on.

Proposed to? Wait...what...?

 

[HelloDizzy]

Proposed to, said he will give me a ring when he comes back from the Navy in 9 months, I would be taken care of even. He's perfect, except I have a high libido (sorry, people) and he only has a fetishist libido.

 

[Kelly]

He's perfect, except I have a high libido (sorry, people) and he only has a fetishist libido.

I think you have your answer dizzy Unless you're both willing to compromise on your sex life (within reason) then it is not going to work, it doesn't matter how nice a guy he is or how lovely he thinks you are if you're not compatible in the bedroom it's more then likely going to fail due to frustration/resentment. Plus I'm assuming he goes away alot if he's in the navy? Is that the kind of life you want? Seeing your fiancee (and eventually husband) for a few weeks/couple of months and then he's gone again for months on end, could you deal with that and then when he is home he wants one thing sexually you want another I just can't see it working out. Also do you have any feelings towards him at all? He may be the perfect guy, able to provide for you etc but if you don't love him what's the point? Don't jump into a relationship with someone just because they are a nice guy who's offering to look after you that's not fair to you or him, if I were you'd I'd be flattered but leave it at that.

 

[HelloDizzy]

Thank you...


I am single. Until someone can prove to be up to my standard, I will not date again. No tobacco addicts, no potheads, no joblessness, no idiocy!

 

[Soup]

YAAAY! Good for you, Dizzy! I'm so glad to hear that you're making decisions that are truly good for you. Kelly's advice is so good that I can think of nothing at all to add to what she's said.

As for him saying he'll 'take care of you', that is something women often think of as a good thing but it is often a red flag. Guys who say something like this often are aware of the young woman's bad past with their dad & with other guys. Think of the sorts of people who play to a person's vulnerabilities (NOT their strengths). Drug dealers, pimps, scammers & con-men. In other words, these are people with ulterior motives using your weaknesses to get you to do things that are more in their interests than in the other person's. This guy into 'fetishist sex' & YOU are incredibly attractive with a great figure.'Taking care of you' in this case is a euphemism for trapping you in an absentee marriage where he can help himself to your...favours in ways HE desires when HE wants them.

Get going with your police application. You will make one unstoppable cop. Pity help the bad guys when you pick up their scent! Once you're in the force, I could see you meeting your match in another young cop who shares your interests & your career. A lawyer or an FBI/CIA guy would also be more the type of man you need. In the meantime, keep coming here for support & encouragement. The last thing you need right now is some dumb intoxicated 'going nowhere fast' guy.

There are several very stable Aspie women here you can speak to: Kelly is one, Holly is another, I am one as is Bibliolove & there are more too. There are several Aspie guys here who tend to give sane & sensible advice as well. This forum is becoming a great Aspie support network: not just another place to talk about what movies & tv shows we like.

 

[apassingword]

Thanks for the help soup, I appreciate it.

 

[popculturegeeknerd06]

It's not? Who said that?

it's just that it makes guys look weak, pathetic when a guy is desperate

 

[dwc780]

I put single and not looking. I was recently in a relationship that was VERY emotionally intense for me, that brought out a lot of feelings and emotions that I had never felt before, good and bad. I am still trying to get my head around the breakup and lingering foreign emotions and feelings. I know I am in no place to seriously date anyone.

 

[Indigogrl79]

I'm single and I guess not really looking. Unless Mr. Right falls from the sky somehow and lands on me I think I'll always be single. My last relationship and ONLY was way to demanding of my time....

 

[s4ndm4n2006]

Single still but not really looking although open to a relationship if the right one came along. basically just letting it happen if it's meant to be. Not gonna force the issue.

 

[Evanze]

Currently in a relationship and quite content with it.

But at the same time there are challenges, I'm still just learning about how to better cope with AS while she wants to speed off with her career. It's difficult because she has a lot on her plate and I rely on her to teach me how to be a normal adult (no one really taught me what normal social behavior is, or how to get a job etc.). The only other thing that is helping me is Google, but I have this odd distrust for search engines and the information they give me. I don't know why that is though.

 

[Geordie]

I am single, by choice. I haven't found the loving feeling yet.

It is indeed harder to have a stable relationship while being uncertain, unemployed and being frustrated. But for every successful career person, it takes two to tango. I believe my dream lady will like me because I can offer my time and commitment to her, through staying around and wait for her, while having a sort of proof that I am working something socially useful.

In doubts of relationship issues, usually I will seek out for trusted friends for recourse, such as Soup, Gomendosi or Kelly