Hugs? Cuddles?

[Bolletje]

It's not the hugs themselves that are the problem for me. What I really dislike is the awkwardness of not being able to tell when a hug is or is not acceptable. I have often wanted to participate in the hello and goodbye hugging rituals among friends and among relatives, but I cannot tell whether a hug from me is welcome or not. I have felt the pain of being rejected (usually with hurtful insinuations involving "creepiness"), so the fear of it makes me really anxious.

Anyway, the risk of rejection usually outweighs the possible benefit in my mind, so I rarely offer hugs. But I don't mind receiving them.

This is really hard for me as well. I have a very affectionate group of friends with hugs and kisses a common greeting. There are some people in the group of which I'm never sure how to greet them, which leads to me awkwardly waving from across the room at one time, and kissing them on the cheek the other time, hugely depending on the vibe I get from them at that moment. I think the awkwardness is mostly in my head though, I think some of them don't even notice that I greet them differently every time.

 

[garnetflower13]

Hugs from my husband are welcome, from others, something to be endured. And if too many hugs in a row happen, then I get increasingly uncomfortable and tense. Once my family had planned a Mother's Day outing involving my sister, her adult daughter and five grandchildren, my husband, my nephew and his mother (my ex sister-in-law)and my niece. After hugging several people I was approaching overload, so I simply pretended not to notice my sister-in-law (with whom I had never gotten along). We all went to a restaurant and dined, and it was then that I processed that I had really hurt her feelings. Being the slow processor that I am, I decided to give her a hug later to make up for it.

So when we were all about to leave, I made sure to hug her even though I did not like her because there was nothing to be gained by hurting her feelings. But I really do dislike obligatory hugs. I'd much rather hug my cat or my hubby!

 

[Adora]

I'm funny with hugs I usually don't initiate hugs with people and feel uncomfortable when people hug me but with my husband I love his hugs,I was told it's probably because I trust him but with people in general I can be pretty awkward with hugs.

 

[gregmcph]

Hugs are a huge indicator of my current Emotional State. My Humanness.

Sometimes I can be all huggy. Wrap my arms around my wife. My non-Aspie moments.
But sometimes... I'm not angry, but don't touch me.

I know at night, my wife will snuggle up and throw an arm around me. Nice for a few seconds, but then, my neck feels sore so I move my head. Then my leg needs a stretch. My back needs adjusting. I'm itchy on my foot... my body is very aware of itself and wants to find excuses to wriggle out of it. After a few minutes she takes the hint and lets go. And I feel guilty about it.

 

[jamesaldrin]

Is it acceptable for a boy to initiate a hug with a girl?

 

[Hoatzins]

Hand-to-hand-contact is much worse by my standards, but hugs can be pretty bad too.
The only person who can hug me without any pretense is my partner.
Associates/Coworkers/Friends must all ask first, and be able to take no as an answer.
I used to be much more accepting, and even sought out many hugs on a daily basis when younger. Did anyone else go through this decline as well?

 

[ezcare]

Because my husband is a huge hugger and I have learned to accept his hugs and up to a certain point, get a sense of warmth from it; not all the time though, he is the only one I can hug ( which, of course is great)

Because my husband is a huge hugger and I have learned to accept his hugs and up to a certain point, get a sense of warmth from it; not all the time though, he is the only one I can hug ( which, of course is great)

Anyway, what I find difficultly with regarding hugs, is the absolute embarrassment factor, of being encased in someone's arms in front of everyone else and I am ashamed to say that I think: oh my goodness me, what the heck do I look like, crunched up like this and cannot wait to untangle myself.

I do not hug people; I tend to just put one hand lightly on their shoulder, to denote that I care with what they are going through; I can be empathetic sometimes, but that is mostly with the sense of knowing the person is sincere in their distress.

Ironically enough, I have got used to the French way of greeting ones. It happens so fast, that it is ok, but hugs tend to last longer and I really HATE it when the person swoops down upon me!

When I am hurt over a situation of injustice, my husband is not permitted to hug me, because I am too damn angry to be pacified lol

I was sitting in the lounge at our local YMCA, stroking my grey beard, when out of nowhere a child came up to my chair and gave me a hug. Without any fear or disrespect, he asked me if I had decided to hang out in the warm climate instead of heading back to my home in the North Pole. It took me a few seconds to realize that he had associated my Santa Claus facial look with that mysterious person who had left his favorite toy under the tree just a few days ago.

I had grown the beard to play Santa Claus at the local volunteer fire department and thought this child might have been one of my little wish list presenters at the fire house. So I went back into character to answer his question. "No." I teased. "I am not the real Santa Claus. I am his cousin. He lets me help him out whenever he gets too busy to meet every good boy and girl before Christmas."
The little boy took that answer at face value but continued to ask me questions that had to be answered with great care if I did not want to betray his sincere belief in Santa. He was well-schooled in Santa's life. He knew all about the North Pole and Santa's workshop that was staffed by Elves.

That led him to the next question: Do you work in Santa's workshop during the rest of the year?
I replied, "No. Only Santa's elves are allowed to be in the workshop. I only take wishes from good kids like you and send them to Santa. The elves take care of the rest."

Next question: "Have you ever been at Santa's house in the North Pole?"
"No. There are no roads to get there and it is hidden from view so you can't fly there either. Santa's reindeer know how to find it and they take Santa on his magic slay anywhere in the world he wants to go--even when there is no snow."

Thankfully, the boy's mother came by to retrieve him because I was running out of ways to answer these questions in ways that would leave his admiration for Santa in tact. He gave me another hug and headed off with his mom and two older sisters. I can't help but think that when his belief in Santa is shattered, he will still look back on this experience with fond memories. Not only did that kindly old gentleman share his belief in Santa Claus, but sent him away with a hug and the assurance that he now had a friend who actually knew the real Santa Claus.

 

[abby normal]

^^^^god bless ya, man!

 

[Mathalamus]

Is it acceptable for a boy to initiate a hug with a girl?

about as acceptable for the opposite. so, yeah.

 

[MrSpock]

I like hugs from people I like, but am uncomfortable with hugs from those I don' t like or don't know. I'm told that I hug well, and get requests from friends fairly often. I've always been at least as affectionate as the women I've been with, and am usually the one to initiate hugs and kisses.

 

[Sashi]

Hugging is awkward to me. My parents were not affectionate with hugs; although, my Mom turned into a big hugger with her grandkids and greats. Since my Dad was abusive, I never wanted him to hug me. There were just a few men in my life I didn't mind a hug from because there have been few I have trusted. I don't seek hugs from family members. It's uncomfortable, even with my Mom. I will hug back because that's the socially acceptable thing to do; and, so as not to stew up the family pot. However, as a school teacher's aide, I get a lot of hugs from strangers. The little ones. Strangely, I don't mind them one bit!

 

[ulixes]

My girlfriend is the only one I'm comfortable with, however, she will just attack me with a hug which makes me a little uncomfortable. Generally speaking I can't stand anyone hugging me, even worst when they have strong perfume on.

 

[ezcare]

about as acceptable for the opposite. so, yeah.

This depends on the culture. In some places this might be considered an assualt unless the girl was family.

 

[ezcare]

Hugs are a huge indicator of my current Emotional State. My Humanness.

Sometimes I can be all huggy. Wrap my arms around my wife. My non-Aspie moments.
But sometimes... I'm not angry, but don't touch me.

I know at night, my wife will snuggle up and throw an arm around me. Nice for a few seconds, but then, my neck feels sore so I move my head. Then my leg needs a stretch. My back needs adjusting. I'm itchy on my foot... my body is very aware of itself and wants to find excuses to wriggle out of it. After a few minutes she takes the hint and lets go. And I feel guilty about it.

Would like further definition of your "non-Aspie moments" Are you able to control this or is your diagnosis marginal?

 

[Pondering]

Generally speaking, I won't initiate a hug unless someone is in need of comfort. But I'm not affectionate anyway. I don't notice that they make me feel better. I know I'm not a hugger but I'm not touch-sensitive either. I will easily accept a hug from friends and family, though they occasionally make me feel awkward. But I really wish I had someone I was emotionally close enough to hug more frequently. Although, for me, there is such thing as too many hugs.

 

[Stitch]

Hand-to-hand-contact is much worse by my standards, but hugs can be pretty bad too.

Without a doubt. If I must have physical contact, I'd prefer it to be a hug because my deep-pressure sensors aren't as sensitive to touch. Any light touch -hand-holding, touching my arm or my shoulder, anything like that -I absolutely hate and cannot stand.
As it is, most of my family has been 'well-trained' in this regard and will wait for specific permission to touch me. A very select few in my social circles are allowed to touch me without explicit permission, because they already know my limits and respect them.

I used to be much more accepting, and even sought out many hugs on a daily basis when younger. Did anyone else go through this decline as well?

Yes ...I used to be very consistent about giving my mom and dad hugs at bedtime, and I even recall telling myself I would always do that. Clearly that didn't happen; I'm not sure at what point that dropped off, though.

 

[Peacelily76]

I'm an NT. There are times when I cringe if people hug me and then there are times when I totally need to connect with someone and we both instinctively know that a hug is the only thing that will cut it.
I have a few friends with AS and I tend to gauge how they are in a given moment before I do the hug thing. One AS friend hates hugs so I just say, "Still breathing?", to which he replies, "Yep!", and that in itself is a 'hug' (from his crazy NT friend).
Another AS friend does hugs by giving me her complete eye contact and a smile. Knowing that she used up a huge amount of energy to make eye contact AND smile means the world to me! I love that! That is the hug!! We don't need to ACTUALLY hug because I got the 'hug' in the eyes!
Another AS friend (and my sometimes boyfriend) loves hugs only with me. They have to be deep pressure hugs because he has sensory issues with any light, superficial touching. He says my hugs calm his brain down. He also says my smell soothes him (he's very direct like a beautiful true Aspie!) and the way I hug is meaninful.
So....I'm an NT who is learning the language of a hug in it's many forms! I am loving this knowledge!
I score 6 on the ASQ so I'm more empathic (and therefore at the 'other end' of the spectrum) than more neurotypicals and I'm using my ability to read peoples' body language to gauge what type of hug will help me connect with them.
I truly believe we can hug in many ways. It doesn't have to be all arms and scary pressure!

 

[Katleya]

I very much like hugs from "select and approved persons", i.e. my mother, boyfriend and a couple of coworkers I really like. I might occasionally give a hug, but that's unusual.
Now, my mother knows how to properly hug me to deflate anxiety attacks in certain cases, but my boyfriend is not here for that. He hates hugs. I need the hugs.

What I really can't handle is hand contact: someone tapping on my shoulder, patting me in the back, putting their hand on my arm or knee (and clinging to it without ever letting go, why???). If detect someone is about to do that, I get ninja-like reflexes to get away from them, and it doesn't usually go unnoticed.

 

[Gritches]

I'll hug a dog, I'll hug a horse, but I will not hug a person. I was raised in a household with Swedish values, and Swedes do not hug; at least that's what I attribute my hug-aversion to, more so than AS. I have no memories of hugging my mother; I think I got my first hug when I got my first girlfriend. Now that I put this in writing, that actually explains a lot, lolz.

 

[Hopeless_Aspie_Guy]

Anyway, what I find difficultly with regarding hugs, is the absolute embarrassment factor, of being encased in someone's arms in front of everyone else and I am ashamed to say that I think: oh my goodness me, what the heck do I look like, crunched up like this and cannot wait to untangle myself.

Although I'm not hugely fond of hugs (definitely not with the same gender) I make sure they last about 2-4 seconds (not that I literally count) and that I'm standing the appropriate distance away so that it doesn't feel like I'm leaning into the other persons body too much. I'll also ensure I don't make too much contact with the other person but enough that both they and I register that it's a hug. I'll never put put hands/arms lower that about their upper back.