RosaViolet
Well-Known Member
19Maddie94,
This is too complex a topic to vote.
Relationships are so complex, they always take two people to work hard to make it work.
I have a theory that ND people can only settle in stable relationships when they are ready. In fact, when they decide that they are going to do that and make a success of it. It's a project. In this respect maybe indeed you need to have a talk with your bf.
First one need to appreciate the value and opportunities of the relationship.
As the song goes everybody needs somebody. It's an opportunity and a pleasure to share, to be appreciated and validated and to appreciate and validate someone you chosen. You and your bf are both neurodiverse. You both are vulnerable in some way, you both might be lonely, you need support, you have your needs which should be met via the relationship - that's what it's for, essentially you only have each-other, and everyone need someone to cover their back, to support them in the moment of difficulty. There are plenty of people who could share success, but only a true partner is there for you in the vulnerable difficult times. Does your bf understand that? Where are you on this?
No one could have it all their own way, it's a give and take but on balance a stable relationship is there to meet your needs and there is a price to pay - it is meeting the needs of your partner.
In fact, meeting the needs of our partner is the opportunity, the pleasure, the new level of self-fulfilment one conquers. Your bf should really appreciate that.
In your case, you need an organised decisive Judging type [in MBTI terms] that would help you finishing those jobs without victimising you for the help. It can't be all left to you fending on your own. Are you clear on your needs?
Relationship is a three legged race, you can only move forward in consort, in coordination, but as you do that you struggle against each-other unless you develop effective fast communication - with minimal interaction. Think of it as a three legged race on top of a balancing tower - it looks impossible, but it stays in balance because the artist works to keep the equilibrium. All relationships are continuous work against gravity and entropy. ND relationships just a bit more quirky.
Do you know how he communicates? His signals? He may be saying he loves you by talking about engines... Know his signals and accept his 'language' of love. Does he knows yours? This is the very essential part. Otherwise you will end up in recriminations about not listening to each other. Do you know when he is low in mood and arousal, when he is anxious and speeding up? Do you know it about yourself? Do you know his effect on you and your effect on him? You need to tune into each other and calm each other out without going too low so you couldn't function or too high so you fight and explode. It is a topic of a separate discussion.
Do you actually talk about what matters?
Problems at work are going to be a constant in his life [and possibly yours too]- do you talk about it, are you able to give him [each-other] some advice, some reassurance, some emotional support about work? It is not external to your relationship, not a private matter - it is the elephant in your small room. Male ego is one thing, but the very purpose of relationship is to support each other in difficulties that matter. Show him how it's done and demand the same.
The relationship can only work if it's a genuinely stable equilibrium that you both are able to work together to maintain.
I think aspies need to rehearse, test and try relationships first to figure out how to do them. Obviously all people do that. You break a few eggs... Of course you can't 'figure out' everything and just unroll your plan of perfect relationship. This is a delusion that some NT like to indulge in and blame the ND partner for failing to deliver their fantasy. You work it out on the go and work together to keep the balance. But aspies /ADHDers need to figure out how do THEY do the three legged race, how does equilibrium look FOR THEM, and how DO THEY BALANCE it.
I basically think that aspies can only manage relationships successfully once they figured out what conditions, what qualities in their partner, what actions from them are required to sustain the relationship.
I had a few turbulent 'experimental' relationships, some that I regret, some that I laugh at. I had a period of emotional burnout when I couldn't think of relationships. I completed my degree, started a steady job, became independent and decided at the tender age of 30+ that I as ready to think of a family. I decided that I was looking for a husband. I tested water with a few men until I found the one. Yes, it was love and romance and all that but I also had some criteria. My long term partner was not going to be draining, high maintenance source of anxiety. He was going to be suitably stimulating source of security, serenity and calm... My partner certainly had criteria of his own, which I must have met, on balance. You can't have it all your way, it's a compromise, but on balance the partner should be able to sustain the three legged race in equilibrium.
You also need boundaries. All relationships do. You need to know your needs and your priorities, you need to communicate them openly and assertively. He needs to acknowledge them and vice versa. The balance of power - should be equal. Tasks distribution - based on strengths - not overloading weaknesses. You need to decide which balls you can't juggle and are going to drop - each of you individually and together as couple. You need all facilitation you can buy - starting from a bigger home. Otherwise you are out of balance and will fall. Your boundaries is when you are falling out of balance and you should not put up with that.
And of course don't settle into an unhealthy unsustainable routine by failing to assert your boundaries and then explode in a toxic divorce - correct the balance immediately.
This is too complex a topic to vote.
Relationships are so complex, they always take two people to work hard to make it work.
I have a theory that ND people can only settle in stable relationships when they are ready. In fact, when they decide that they are going to do that and make a success of it. It's a project. In this respect maybe indeed you need to have a talk with your bf.
First one need to appreciate the value and opportunities of the relationship.
As the song goes everybody needs somebody. It's an opportunity and a pleasure to share, to be appreciated and validated and to appreciate and validate someone you chosen. You and your bf are both neurodiverse. You both are vulnerable in some way, you both might be lonely, you need support, you have your needs which should be met via the relationship - that's what it's for, essentially you only have each-other, and everyone need someone to cover their back, to support them in the moment of difficulty. There are plenty of people who could share success, but only a true partner is there for you in the vulnerable difficult times. Does your bf understand that? Where are you on this?
No one could have it all their own way, it's a give and take but on balance a stable relationship is there to meet your needs and there is a price to pay - it is meeting the needs of your partner.
In fact, meeting the needs of our partner is the opportunity, the pleasure, the new level of self-fulfilment one conquers. Your bf should really appreciate that.
In your case, you need an organised decisive Judging type [in MBTI terms] that would help you finishing those jobs without victimising you for the help. It can't be all left to you fending on your own. Are you clear on your needs?
Relationship is a three legged race, you can only move forward in consort, in coordination, but as you do that you struggle against each-other unless you develop effective fast communication - with minimal interaction. Think of it as a three legged race on top of a balancing tower - it looks impossible, but it stays in balance because the artist works to keep the equilibrium. All relationships are continuous work against gravity and entropy. ND relationships just a bit more quirky.
Do you know how he communicates? His signals? He may be saying he loves you by talking about engines... Know his signals and accept his 'language' of love. Does he knows yours? This is the very essential part. Otherwise you will end up in recriminations about not listening to each other. Do you know when he is low in mood and arousal, when he is anxious and speeding up? Do you know it about yourself? Do you know his effect on you and your effect on him? You need to tune into each other and calm each other out without going too low so you couldn't function or too high so you fight and explode. It is a topic of a separate discussion.
Do you actually talk about what matters?
Problems at work are going to be a constant in his life [and possibly yours too]- do you talk about it, are you able to give him [each-other] some advice, some reassurance, some emotional support about work? It is not external to your relationship, not a private matter - it is the elephant in your small room. Male ego is one thing, but the very purpose of relationship is to support each other in difficulties that matter. Show him how it's done and demand the same.
The relationship can only work if it's a genuinely stable equilibrium that you both are able to work together to maintain.
I think aspies need to rehearse, test and try relationships first to figure out how to do them. Obviously all people do that. You break a few eggs... Of course you can't 'figure out' everything and just unroll your plan of perfect relationship. This is a delusion that some NT like to indulge in and blame the ND partner for failing to deliver their fantasy. You work it out on the go and work together to keep the balance. But aspies /ADHDers need to figure out how do THEY do the three legged race, how does equilibrium look FOR THEM, and how DO THEY BALANCE it.
I basically think that aspies can only manage relationships successfully once they figured out what conditions, what qualities in their partner, what actions from them are required to sustain the relationship.
I had a few turbulent 'experimental' relationships, some that I regret, some that I laugh at. I had a period of emotional burnout when I couldn't think of relationships. I completed my degree, started a steady job, became independent and decided at the tender age of 30+ that I as ready to think of a family. I decided that I was looking for a husband. I tested water with a few men until I found the one. Yes, it was love and romance and all that but I also had some criteria. My long term partner was not going to be draining, high maintenance source of anxiety. He was going to be suitably stimulating source of security, serenity and calm... My partner certainly had criteria of his own, which I must have met, on balance. You can't have it all your way, it's a compromise, but on balance the partner should be able to sustain the three legged race in equilibrium.
You also need boundaries. All relationships do. You need to know your needs and your priorities, you need to communicate them openly and assertively. He needs to acknowledge them and vice versa. The balance of power - should be equal. Tasks distribution - based on strengths - not overloading weaknesses. You need to decide which balls you can't juggle and are going to drop - each of you individually and together as couple. You need all facilitation you can buy - starting from a bigger home. Otherwise you are out of balance and will fall. Your boundaries is when you are falling out of balance and you should not put up with that.
And of course don't settle into an unhealthy unsustainable routine by failing to assert your boundaries and then explode in a toxic divorce - correct the balance immediately.
