1. Welcome to Autism Forums, a friendly forum to discuss Aspergers Syndrome, Autism, High Functioning Autism and related conditions.

    Your voice is missing! You will need to register to get access to the following site features:
    • Reply to discussions and create your own threads.
    • Our modern chat room. No add-ons or extensions required, just login and start chatting!
    • Private Member only forums for more serious discussions that you may wish to not have guests or search engines access to.
    • Your very own blog. Write about anything you like on your own individual blog.

    We hope to see you as a part of our community soon! Please also check us out @ https://www.twitter.com/aspiescentral

He said he needs space

Discussion in 'Introduce Yourself' started by 19maddie94, Apr 14, 2019 at 2:41 PM.

  1. Yes, give him the space he needs and he’ll be fine

    8 vote(s)
    72.7%
  2. No, this is not going to work

    3 vote(s)
    27.3%
  1. 19maddie94

    19maddie94 New Member

    Messages:
    5
    Joined:
    Sunday
    Karma:
    +15
    Thank you everyone.
     
    Last edited: Apr 15, 2019 at 7:58 AM
    • Friendly Friendly x 6
  2. Monachopia

    Monachopia ...spiral out... keep going. V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    381
    Joined:
    Aug 6, 2018
    Karma:
    +916
    Autism doesn't really dictate personalities... He is just like everyone else in that regard, his own person. Autism (ASD 1 / Aspergers which I presume he has) only really affects social interaction and sensitivity to sound/light etc... But really, we're all just people. We can be horrible, we can be nice - it's separate from ASD.

    If anything I'm probably like your boyfriend. I have some autistic traits and suffer from depression and anxiety - but at the same time I have a neurotypical partner of nearly 14 years. We moved in very quickly after meeting and while living with someone else was a challenge at times, I know I had to work for it, because I love him. Depression does distort my emotions and how things look a lot of the time and it can twist reality. From a depressed aspie's point of view, you going away on a request isn't a good idea. In a warped way it can signal that you won't fight for his well-being and will leave like the others did. Sometimes it's a struggle to fight against someone's mindset when they seem so convinced that they want to be alone... but there's a difference between wanting to be alone because they want peace and quiet to unwind and calm the brain or to wallow in their deeply troubled state. I know when I get very low I also push my boyfriend away, but he never leaves. I get angry, upset, irritated, but he stays and gets angry and upset with me, AT me, but that elevated emotion gets me to explode and release feelings and explain why I feel the way I do. He knows it's the only way for me to talk about it - we never, ever argue and have a very respectful relationship. It's just that he knows that for me - someone who cannot talk about how I feel, to push hard is the only way to make me feel better.

    Oh and I forgot to say - I'm a very calm, quiet person and my partner sounds a little like you :) in a good way - but as a child he had a hyperactivity disorder and as an adult he can be spontaneous, energetic, sometimes a whirlwind of energy - which I'm not going to lie - can be exhausting for me! He works 9-5 so I have some peace and quiet, without that I'd probably go a little crazy!

    I know not everyone is the same and it may very well not be the case for your boyfriend. All I can do, is offer my own experiences. Sorry if it wasn't helpful and I really hope you two work things out. x
     
    Last edited: Apr 14, 2019 at 3:38 PM
    • Like Like x 4
    • Agree Agree x 1
  3. 19maddie94

    19maddie94 New Member

    Messages:
    5
    Joined:
    Sunday
    Karma:
    +15
    Your response helped millions! He is indeed a very lonely person to begin with so I understand that living together (especially with me) can be tough and he needs space, we live in a very very very small flat with no personal space. Also work has been crazy for him at the moment so he has no clue how to handle his work life, friend life and girlfriend life all together. He has been withholding from friend activity also which is a shame since he has amazing friends. I do love and appreciate he told me honestly that he doesn’t know what to do with this social bonds and is feeling very pressured to do activities with everyone and really needs to recharge his mental battery on his own.

    Like you said, I’m scared he thinks I’m just willing to leave when he asks and that I’m not willing to put on a fight. I did write him a letter that I am here for him when he needs me and that I love him and that I am never giving up on him even though I’m not physically there.

    Especially your insight with your boyfriend reminds me of us, it is good to know that you also feel as my boyfriend feels sometimes which is exhausted by me but that it can work.

    You helped and I love to hear anyone’s story so I can see what works for us/him/me. :)

    If you have more tips on autism and what I can do or need to understand I’d be very grateful.
     
    Last edited: Apr 14, 2019 at 4:08 PM
    • Like Like x 1
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
  4. Fino

    Fino Alex V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    2,241
    Joined:
    Sep 22, 2018
    Karma:
    +4,155
    Months without personal space and always around another person who demands my attention would make me suicidal. Not that I'd ever do that to myself.
     
    • Friendly Friendly x 2
    • Like Like x 1
    • Agree Agree x 1
  5. 19maddie94

    19maddie94 New Member

    Messages:
    5
    Joined:
    Sunday
    Karma:
    +15
    This is actually very true, I understand what you’re saying. I didn’t think I mentioned it in my original message but we did just spent a 1,5 week holiday together, as in no one else but us.

    Besides that he works later so that means that I am always home before him.

    Your message made me actually feel really good about my decision to give him (and myself) some space.

    Besides the giving space thing, do you have any insight on autism so I can learn to understand him better?
     
    • Friendly Friendly x 2
    • Like Like x 1
  6. Tom

    Tom Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    4,361
    Joined:
    Jan 7, 2015
    Karma:
    +8,663
    Needing more then average time alone is a very common occurance among people on the spectrum. But it can occur also living in the same home. As in having different rooms you hang out, or even being in the same room but limiting interaction.

    SPACE1 TICKET 2.gif
     
    • Agree Agree x 3
    • Like Like x 2
  7. 19maddie94

    19maddie94 New Member

    Messages:
    5
    Joined:
    Sunday
    Karma:
    +15
    Thank you, I honestly didn’t know that more time alone was needed. I suspected this but it is good to know it is common.
     
    • Like Like x 2
    • Agree Agree x 1
  8. Tom

    Tom Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    4,361
    Joined:
    Jan 7, 2015
    Karma:
    +8,663
    I really do not know all the reasons for it, but one common explanation (which I also experience myself) is that even normal day to day interactions with people, at our job, etc, are more demanding on us. Trying to fit in and act normal requires extra concentration and expenditure of energy. People sometimes call it 'wearing the mask'. Quiet time alone is one of the most basic methods used to recharge the depleted batteries so to speak.
     
    • Agree Agree x 1
  9. Fino

    Fino Alex V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    2,241
    Joined:
    Sep 22, 2018
    Karma:
    +4,155
    Personally, I'd want scheduled times/days to be apart, such as particular activities done separately or places to go alone. The fact that it's regular and scheduled combined with the fact that it's time alone would make this very helpful, in my opinion. I believe this is a common idea for NT relationships, as well, although perhaps often not quite as regular and scheduled.
     
    • Like Like x 3
    • Agree Agree x 1
  10. Anarkitty

    Anarkitty Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    104
    Joined:
    Apr 4, 2019
    Karma:
    +302
    Tom, I'm noticing that I agree with you a lot. :)

    Like Tom said, my husband and I sit in the same room with limited interaction. I don't actually like being completely alone, but I do want to be left alone when I'm involved in something. So I happily sit in a room with my whole family around me every day, but I ask them not to try not to talk to me if I'm working on something.

    That's not enough for my autistic son, who prefers to be completely alone at times. He can get quite irritable if he doesn't get enough alone time.

    It sounds like y'all really need to sit down and figure out exactly what EACH of you needs from the relationship, then figure out how you can both have that. It may involve a schedule, like Fino said, and a private spot for him when he needs it, whatever. Just don't forget that it's not all about him. You sound kind of down on yourself. Stop that. :)

    My husband is the one with ADHD in our relationship, and we've been together almost 30 years.
     
    • Agree Agree x 3
    • Like Like x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • Useful Useful x 1
  11. Aspychata

    Aspychata Only you can free yourself.....

    Messages:
    463
    Joined:
    Feb 12, 2019
    Karma:
    +773
    A bigger place where he could retreat when he need a alone space. When l got married, l found myself going to the bedroom to get my alone time, but my ex would come in. He grew up with 4 brothers, so alone time was a foreign concept to him. I need alone time even away from living with someone, it helps me stay in touch with my feelings.
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Agree Agree x 1
  12. Suzanne

    Suzanne Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    3,936
    Joined:
    Nov 24, 2014
    Karma:
    +6,324
    I voted that it is not going to work.

    Both of you have issues that are just too complicated for such a huge step, as being together full time.
     
    • Winner Winner x 1
  13. Thinx

    Thinx Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    2,101
    Joined:
    Mar 4, 2018
    Karma:
    +1,243
    I'm not voting because I don't know how this will work out, no one does. I do think it's good you've been able to talk about what's needed, and made a plan for the short term. That's promising. You are very different, but I expect you are each in some ways attracted to the different way your partner is. However, difference can make things complex, and can affect communication.

    Keep on checking things out with others, that's a great tactic, and is supportive for you. Also you having support means you don't have to only rely on him, that's always helpful in a partnership.
     
    • Like Like x 2
  14. Isadoorian

    Isadoorian Well Known Chat Member, Welcomer of Newcomers V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    932
    Joined:
    May 16, 2018
    Karma:
    +1,419
    • Like Like x 1
  15. Monachopia

    Monachopia ...spiral out... keep going. V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    381
    Joined:
    Aug 6, 2018
    Karma:
    +916
    You did the right thing with the letter... Sometimes words can be empty without action (to me at least), but it seems like you're really trying and I hope he can see that even in his state of mind.

    I guess if work is stressful for him and on top of that he has friends and at home life is somewhat cramped, it sounds quite stressful and can lead to an eventual meltdown of sorts. I guess the key is to find harmony in spending time together. My partner and I pretty much always sit in our office together - but I do feel like I have time to myself. We have large periods of time when he's playing a video game and I do my own thing and we don't talk - except for a small non-verbal noise every once in a while to acknowledge and appreciate each other's presence (a cat noise of sorts as we're cat people - it's the best way I can describe it). My boyfriend is a lovely man, he knows I need my own space and like to do things without too much disturbance, but of course if either of us wants to share a cute animal picture with each other we do that! Or if we see something interesting we link it on Skype and have a 2-5 minute chat about it. It's ok for one of us to say "I'll look at it in a few minutes, I am doing something right now". I guess the thing is not to yank the other person out of the thing they're concentrating on. Some Aspies get very absorbed in their personal interest/hobby and taking them out of that focus can be stressful. If there are things that need doing some warning can be given and time allowed to do it in their own time (such as chores/outings/etc).

    Maybe a little space can be found where the other person can sit and chill out for a bit as a signal that they don't want to be talked to for a bit. Talking can be quite a taxing process, we have to constantly assess voice tone, facial expressions (if we even know how to recognise those), body language, possible emotions displayed, actual meaning of the words and if there's a hidden meaning. For me that's a very conscious effort every time I talk to someone. If your boyfriend has to do that in a professional setting it could be very draining as he can't be his usual self like he can be around yourself and his friends. I would probably say he might not necessarily need to be completely alone, but needs time to himself without too much outside things going on. Even noise can be distracting, like clicking, people running/walking around, whistling, singing. You need to talk to him to find a way to co-exist together so you can both be happy. If it means for him to be a more tolerant and involve himself in your activities for half a day and for half a day for you to be making as little noise as humanly possible and not try to involve him in everything you're doing or thinking then that's a fair compromise - but it must never be one sided. You are both trying to make things work and it is as much for him to learn to live with you as it is for you to do the same. So the only way you can resolve it is to talk and find what both of your core needs are and find where they can interlap. It might be hard, but get him to write it down - that way he has time to think about it rather than have to come up with things on the spot. You do the same as see what those needs are together.
     
    • Agree Agree x 2
  16. George Newman

    George Newman Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    355
    Joined:
    Feb 18, 2017
    Karma:
    +659
    Last week would have been me and my ex-wife’s 15 wedding anniversary. We separated a couple years ago and the divorce happened this year. I think about it every day.

    19Maddie94, you seem quite open to accommodating and being sensitive to his needs but in time you will start to feel that you are somewhat of a care giver and not in a relationship. The sex may be fine but it will become less and less and more mechanical. It won’t be enough. You will become unbelievably lonely and bitter ... slowly over time.

    When this happens, you will beg him to be something he can’t be for you and you will hurt unbelievably when he won’t. Once you separate or divorce you will feel an enormous sense of relief but in time self-judgment will set in as you start thinking yourself to be a selfish person for leaving. This will cause your heart to callous some.

    I know what others are thinking, I am generally applying my experience to 19Maddie94’s situation. Of course, many different outcomes could result but given the facts of the matter eight of ten times this is the result to a degree.

    I don’t know you but I can say that I care. Go find you a nice NT guy. It’s okay. This doesn’t mean your boyfriend is a bad guy. He isn’t. He will have to pick up and move on as well.

    Autismforums.com community, please don’t be too harsh on me. I felt a need for candor was appropriate.

    Thank you for your time. I wish for the best outcome.
     
    • Friendly Friendly x 2
  17. Aspychata

    Aspychata Only you can free yourself.....

    Messages:
    463
    Joined:
    Feb 12, 2019
    Karma:
    +773
    There are many successful relationships with people on the spectrum, every relationship takes work. NT relationships breakup all the time.
     
    • Agree Agree x 2
    • Winner Winner x 1
  18. Aspychata

    Aspychata Only you can free yourself.....

    Messages:
    463
    Joined:
    Feb 12, 2019
    Karma:
    +773
    l think it is beautiful that you understand yourself so well, but you need to accept that this maybe a 50/50 percent outcome. Can you sit down long enough and ask him if he is committed to this relationship enough? Because if he is really struggling then you have to take this spoon of reality medicine and figure out you. Would a temporary situation of living apart help him open up and feel more comfortable about talking about this relationship? Good luck, l am keeping my fingers crossed that this does work out.
     
    • Optimistic Optimistic x 2
  19. Tom

    Tom Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    4,361
    Joined:
    Jan 7, 2015
    Karma:
    +8,663
    Next time he says it:

    moonraker_airlock_370.jpg

    Just kidding. :D
     
    • Funny Funny x 3
    • Like Like x 1
    • Creative Creative x 1
  20. Bolletje

    Bolletje Potato chip wizard

    Messages:
    2,568
    Joined:
    Jan 3, 2017
    Karma:
    +6,579
    I (Aspie) have been living with my NT boyfriend for over five years, and although I love him dearly I frequently wish I could have my own place to get away from his chaos. I can sympathize with how your boyfriend feels.
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Agree Agree x 1