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Tired of being tired

Waiting to hear from the mechanic about when he can look at the car. He said he'd check his diary today and let me know. Work has given me today off, and I have no work until Friday. That is, if I can get my car fixed by Thursday. I hope for a quick fix. I asked my folks if I could borrow their car (they have 2) on Thursday. My brother is using their other car, and does most weeks. I'm confused by this, as he already has a car, and his wife works in the village - literally a 10 min walk from their house, and their kids go to school in the village which is an 8 min walk away. Whenever I ask to borrow the other car a drama ensues with my mum. She says she needs a car 24/7 and worries if anything happens to my dad, she'd need the car. Because ambulances don't exist.

So I ask if I could borrow the car on Thursday morning, and again - that instant rise in tension, and excuses and anxiety. So she rang my brother and turns out that my brother's car is being serviced on Thursday, so I can't borrow the other car. That was the day I was due to meet the escort. Now it feels like the one thing I had to look forward to over the next 5 weeks has disappeared. For now I guess. Strangely, it was my parents who offered to put me on that car's insurance. I've only driven it 4 times in over a year and a half. I'm scared to ask to borrow it, because every time I do, it's creates a drama with my mother. I'd rather just not add to the anxiety in my life by setting off my mother's. And they keep asking why interaction with them is always kept to a minimum - it saves on stress; that's why.

I'm waiting with baited breath on the mechanic availability and how much the car repairs cost. It's a cost I can't afford, so it means more debt owed to my parents. I explained the squealing sound that developed last night to the mechanic and he still thinks it's exhaust related. My dad suggested pre-empting and just buying a new cat converter. But it's an expensive what if. Plus I can't afford anything right now. Literally nothing. I'm so broke it's not even funny.

When speaking with my parents last night about the new car issue, the cascade of anxiety from them was typical. It's so intense, and being caught in that atmosphere is a pet hate of mine. It's why I spend so little time around them. I hate it. It's toxic, and I've been around it so long. They're on a knife edge, and little things set them off. Guess it takes one (two) to know one. As I'm just like that too, as is my brother. We're a family of anxious, paranoid and dysfunctional people. I just want the van done so I can leave. I don't want to come back to this. Running away won't solve your problems, but being away from unnecessary additional anxieties isn't a bad thing.

Then there's work, and their tone. Mild, but with inflection denoting disappointment and frustration in me having car issues. Mind you, the way they talk to people on the group chat is very disrespectful multiple times a week. You want to feel valued at a company. I love the work, I do - but that's to help people. Being treated in a way that builds stress, anxiety and depression isn't good. So in May I will move to live-in care work.

The not knowing right now is difficult. I'm stressed with lack of money, and work, and my parents. A new issue with my folks is them talking about me needing moving the van. They don't want it parked in front of the house. Literally a couple of weeks ago this wasn't a problem - in fact my mum outright said it's nobody's concern how long the van is there for. But now something has changed, and it is a problem in their eyes, and again I feel her anxiety oozing whenever she talks about it.

When I discussed money problems earlier, her stress escalated. She told me I should rent my van out for holidayers to live in. My van - my home? I quickly took offence and got defensive. But also pointed out a fact - if it were ready to live in, I would be living in it. It has no bed, no gas, no heating, no electric. I should rent this out to people? THINK FOR GOODNESS SAKE. Besides, it will be my home. Why the hell would I want to rent it out to people? She's made this suggestion multiple times. I don't like it when people don't listen. It's a pet peeve of mine. Mind you, I was brought up in a household where you constantly feel like you're not heard or being listened to, and my patience for it with my parents is non-existant at this point. But again, as soon as I start defending myself they shut down, and the conversation is basically over. I'm talking, they're not really listening or responding. I might as well be talking to a wall.

Nearing 2 years in this house now. I'm so desparate to get out, yet the car problems delay the van move in date by more months. Sick and tired. Stressed and worried. Yesterday was a good day - eating better, working well, good energy levels, and then the car problems escalate and the anxiety and depression escalate beyond where they've been recently.

I should be grateful I have the longest amount of time off from work since I started this job. I should try and use this as a chance to recharge. I will do my best. I'm so sick of worrying. Again - wanting to cry because of the emotional charge and build up that's been ongoing week after week, month after month. The desire to scream, self-harm, purge with food, drugs etc. rises.

I feel like I should apologise to any would-be reader for my negativity, but at the same time I needed to vocalise this, as I can't with my parents. When I start talking real with them, they quickly get tecthy and defensive, or gas-lighting.

Tired.
Tired of being tired.

Ed

Comments

Sorry to hear about your car problems, my last repair was like 1½ months of my salary - too expensive, but I didn't have a choice, I need the car. I agree with you, it's no good to just buy a new part without knowing if that is the broken part, it could get expensive very fast.

I hope you will figure it out with your family - and don't worry about venting here, it's your blog :)
 

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Raggamuffin
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