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Burnt out

I've experienced the symptoms of burnout for years.

Now I'm working more hours than I've ever worked before. In my free time I sink into deep depressions and loneliness.

And now a week of insomnia. Sleep was the only thing not affected by 20+ years with anxiety and depression, and now it too has fallen. I didn't think it was possible to feel more exhausted than I was before. But I'm in so much debt I can't afford any time of work for years ahead. And yet I'm so exhausted I feel extremely ill and weak at this point.

I have holiday in a month, but I'm not sure how much longer I can keep pushing myself. Especially after 12 years of daily aches and pains from stress, and all the expended energy and money on this 1.5 years of van project.

Supposedly burnout can take months or a year to recover from. But there's no genuine rest in sight until summer or beyond.

I don't want to be coping anymore. I want to feel like I'm living.

Feels duplicitous to mask in front of clients that I visit. Putting on airs and graces of a happy, functional man. I've been running on fumes for such a long time now. I have so many irons in the fire, and that fire feels like embers at this point.

I know we all have our struggles, but writing helps me to lighten the load inside, as the anxiety, depression and Neurodiversity exhausts me on a daily basis. All the while masking to pretend to be normal and fit in.

I'm tired, boss. And facing all this with new found sobriety and no means to escape or take the edge off merely adds to the fatigue. Sorry for being a heavy topic. For all the pondering about it - I'm not brave enough to end it. So I shall continue to push on until something breaks beyond repair and forces me to stop. My gut has told me for years that it'll be a heart attack. Hopefully one that gets me out of here for good.



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