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3 months of anxiety?

Got myself into a bit of a pickle whereby the next few months may incur some rather lofty anxieties and what if's. But it was all my own doing. I'm trying not to be too hard on myself about it, as it's already been and done now. All I'm left with now is a waiting game.

I shall elaborate...

So, today I met the same escort as last month. Once again, we had an amazing time together. My confidence in the bedroom continues to grow. Much like last time; she was climaxing again and again. Being a people-pleaser, that was an immense feeling for me. But, we got carried away, and at the end we finished without protection. So I've ordered a mail order STD test, but need to wait 2 week's before I can use it. I'd then need to do another at 45 days (HIV test) and a 3rd and final STD test at 3 months. Basically this is to cover all possible STD's. Best of 3?

Risky sexual behaviour has no justification to be honest. Supposedly 60% of people have no symptoms when they have an STD, and the rates of diagnosed STD's in the UK over the past few years has risen alarmingly, and that's only for the people actually getting tested. Logic would dictate she has the vaccinations, and is regularly tested. She also told me she never does it without protection normally, and that we got carried away. Although we both agreed how much better it feels without.

Like last time, afterwards we cuddled up and had a lovely conversation afterwards. My last visit was for 60 minutes, but I booked a 90 minute visit this time, as I wanted to spend longer with her. She's a lovely caring person who recently adopted an XL Bully, as they're now banned in UK and can't be rehomed. She said the government is actually paying people to euthanise them at this point. Utterly disgusting. But a testament to her caring nature that she's adopted a 10 week old pupper. She was also telling me in detail about her autistic son and all the presents she got him for Xmas including 102 DVD's which she individually wrapped. Talk about an endearing personality.

In my gut I don't feel like I currently have, or would get an STD, even after this encounter. Now maybe that is just wishful thinking on my part, but even still. Better to think that than to assume the worst for weeks and months on end. Still, you have to be safe and sensible; and this morning's shenanigans were neither. There seems to be a pattern with my libido rising sharply at times when I feel down.

As with any coping mechanism, it doesn't really fix anything. There's a temporary distraction, but it'll never fill the void. It wasn't long ago that I was having sex regularly, and I didn't feel any better for it long term. When I dated my last partner we were having sex 3-5 times every day, but eventually that became cloying. The sense of pleasure started to feel reduced, and got to a point where I just felt like I was going through the motions to disconnect from the growing sense that I was in a relationship with an incompatible person and I was scared to end it. Thankfully, our first arguement provided that opportunity, especially as it highlighted even more ways in which it simply wasn't meant to be.

Ever since meeting that first escort, I've now seen 10 different one's. That right there is certified risky behaviour. Not only that, but I'm starting to rely on it as a guranteed way to boost my mood. Still, at least I'd only ever do this when single, as many of the clients that escorts see are in a relationship, and if said relationships have got to that point, they really need to address that with their partner and be honest about where the relationship is headed - as it sounds to me like it's over.

Anyway, financially I can ill afford to see her again for several months. The van needs more attention and I need a break from using escorts, as I don't want this to escalate further. Honestly, I'd happily make her my regular escort who I see, as we have a lovely connection and it seems to carry less risk in my mind seeing only one escort.

Worries and what if's aside; we did have a lovely time together, and she left me some feedback which made me smile:

"I wish there was an option above a positive rating, as this gentleman is truly amazing, I can’t wait too see him again. The time goes too quickly x x"

I'm actually not that overwhelmed with anxiety to be honest. It is what it is, and what will be will be. If anything is found on the test, most of them are cureable. If I'm unfortunate enough to get something that isn't; well that's just the luck of the draw really isn't it?



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