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Brief Update

Mechanic is working on the car today. Fingers crossed for a quick and cheap fix. Car costs delays the van by another few months. It'll be nearing 2 years of owning the van before I can even live in it. With the car not working I've not been able to work. February's pay day won't be very good with all these days off. Means I'm stuck in my overdraft for even longer, which is quite exhausting at this point.

I'll be dropping the van off to the body shop tomorrow, which is good as it needs a run out on the road. They're painting over the surface rust for free. It'll buy me some time, but eventually it will need a bare metal respray. I hope the bike ride back provides me with a little boost.

In other news, I'd hoped my time off from work would help me feel rested. Whilst I have been sleeping a lot, and napping too much; I still feel exhausted. I'm finding a complete lack of enjoyment in my free time. Whilst this has been a prolonged sensation; sobriety is making the boredom and lack of fulfillment seem worse.

With the car not working, and no money I feel restless, agitated, down and lonely. Then there's the usual lack of friends, especially with pursuing sobriety. When I get down, I start to impulse buy, and compulsively eat and sleep. More unhealthy coping mechanisms. I'm trying to wrangle with impulsivity whilst also attempting to steer myself away from depression. Tired of feeling tired at this point.

Been reaching out a lot online, trying to make new friends, but it's been a rather fruitless endeavour, which adds to a sense of futility. I briefly reconnected with a few old friends, whilst having some daily conversations with others, but after 20+ years of reliance on it, all this online socialising feels quite hollow at this point; and a distraction at best.

I also decided to stop investing energy in friends who are unresponsive. I know they all have their reasons for taking weeks or months to reply, but I'm tired of the amount of energy expended, and the frustration it causes. I feel I'm either the joker, or a folorn energy vampire in conversations. Bottling up all this detritus with no healthy means of expressing it, and a bunch of unhealthy ways of suppressing it.

Still, in my social search I did manage to find a guy who wants to meet in Cambridge and do some staffing together, so that's nice. I know gratitude is supposed to help combat "the big sad" but I've yet to experience any real benefits from that mindset. When I take a step back and take stock of what I have, it seems to highlight just how much of a miserable person I am, and exacerbates the guilt and shame I live with.

I'm looking forward to getting back to work to keep me distracted from this overbearing anxiety and depression. Addictions to mask pain, and when you let go of certain unhealthy coping mechanisms; the inner demons get louder. I've been reading a lot recently, along with meditating. I'm still holding out hope that living in the van provides a genuine lift away from the current limbo I feel stuck in.

1494 alcohol free.
20 days tobacco free.
14 days weed free.

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Raggamuffin
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