Should I Give Up On My Aspie Husband?

[sisselcakes]

Just an update here...not a whole lot has changed, but we are getting along and spending some time together. When we spoke the other day he said in a moment of frustration (when speaking about his fears) that sometimes he doesn't feel worthy. I'm not sure if he meant worthy of me or a relationship or worthy in general, and I didn't want to press it because we're trying to avoid serious talks for a while, as they only add to his feeling of stress. But I'm curious about it now.

Cute story: he walked into my bedroom the other night and just stood there. I asked him did he have something he wanted to say and he said no and just plopped down on the chair in my room and said, "I think I'm going to sleep here. It's comfortable." I guess that was his way of saying he wanted to be in the same room with me, or sleep in the bed but he didnt want to ask. lol...he eventually climbed into the bed after two hours and then my daughter came in the room and we three slept together. It was really nice. Just taking it slow...

So sweet. Sounds like your slower pace is a smart plan

 

[Eden]

Thanks for the update Eden. Hopefully if you just take it slowly, things will resolve themselves over time.
Maybe when he gets a new job he might feel more 'worthy' in all those respects. It can be a huge self-esteem issue for many people and they can't even contemplate other things until that gets resolved.
Best of luck!

Funny, a friend of mine said the same about the job thing. It makes sense. I'll keep that in mind.' Thx!

 

[Eden]

Hi All,

I just wanted to come back and post an update. Everything is going well! We are back together, due largely in part to some of the advice of I received here. Mainly, I just paid attention to the things he DID, not the things he said necessarily and have been learning to see his love through his actions and small gestures. Learning to be patient and allow things to grow organically, not through long drawn-out conversations.

He's moving back in next month when the lease at his place expires. In the meantime he's here 5 out of 7 days a week and we do things together as a couple, and as a family. When he says he's gonna go and sit in a cafe all day and "work on stuff" I just said "Enjoy yourself...see ya later."Or sometimes he's okay with just sitting here with me all day and doing his "stuff" on the computer while I work in the other room.

We are both very happy and it's been fun getting to know him in a way that I didn't when we were married - because now I know why he is the way he is, which makes all the difference in the world. I think much of his anxiety was the fear of failure you all discussed, but he's growing more confident every day as he can see that I truly do accept him and I'm not going to change my mind. AND he tries to step out his comfort zone here and there, which I recognize immediately and appreciate.

So, all in all, things are great. Thank you all so much, again!

 

[LucyPurrs]

Thanks for the update Great to hear a success story for once!!!

 

[Fitzo]

That's great news Eden! Thank you for coming back and letting us know. I hope your relationship is long and happy!

 

[Olsworth39]

I thought I would post this, Eden, because this is just some of the things I would be thinking in your husband's situation. (pardon the use of "husband", it is the most convenient term of reference). That is, losing my job, rekindled (possibly) romance with my ex, and all the other things you have describe:

Life sucks, lose my job just as Eden and I are... whatever this is... why would she want me? How will I provide for my family? AAAAAHHH!!!!!!! How am I going to find another job? What if I asked Eden if I could move in, that we aren't paying for two households? What if she says no? What if she doesn't want to, does that mean she doesn't want me, but what if she says yes, does that mean she does, or that she is taking pity, and how will it work, where will I sleep, what will I do with my stuff, what will happen to my routine and life, I'm so confused, I better not say anything about it. I want to be with her, I still love her, at least I think what I feel is love but it doesn't seem like this is what other people when they talk about love, and its scary and if I admit I'm afraid of what will happen, she might not like it, I'm not ready to talk about all that, I don't think, maybe if she brings it up first, but she probably won't, and in any case, I just lost my job, why would she want me anyway...[start at the beginning]

Around and around. Of course, there would be personal details in there and detours down different trains of thought, but it would eventually come back to the beginning again.

When I get caught in these sort of loops, I'm just a mess. Looking back at it afterward, I find it mildly amusing that I was so wrapped around the axle about things that usually turn out to be relatively simple to resolve.

Ive been reading all these comments from this thread, I absolutely worry about all these things on a daily basis, I too am an aspie(undiagnosed) husband, I battle in my mind constantly, I make one decision, then quickly revert to another decision, i go round in circles and constantly worry about every little thing that I say or do, I love my wife dearly, I can see how upsetting it is for her, she is very patient with me, I am also diagnosed XYY (blood test), which means I have more testosterone than the average male and an additional chromosome. I become aggressive when I'm defending myself to someone and or highly defensive in almost every given situation even when the need doesn't arise. I personalize every situation, I have been in and out of cognitive behavioral therapy for the last 6 years, it has been very rewarding and I have come on in leaps and bounds from when I first started. I do believe in relational couples therapy, my wife and I did it recently within 6 months of getting married under my suggestion as partly I needed fixing pre-agreed before going in to sessions, I'm not sure whether I'm replying to someone's comment or the post but Eden you should fight for the marriage, you should both go to couples therapy and try to work out your differences and your husband should go to cognitive behavioral therapy as it will help his daily strife.

 

[Olsworth39]

Seen your most recent post eden, glad that you are both back together, I hope that you're back together forever or as me and wife say infinitely. Perhaps you could mention to your husband to come on this site, I've only been on here a few weeks but it has helped me out tremendously and I thank all the fellow writers out there for getting me this far.

 

[Bella Pines]

That's fantastic news @Eden, really happy for you, thanks for sharing the good news.

 

[Veruca Salt]

TBH and I am sorry if this sounds harsh I am blunt to be kind and spare you confusion, but you both sound like you do not understand the reality of human relationships and expect some magical fairy tale love.
The confusion both of you are feeling stems from this unrealistic lie we are told about what love is, from childhood.

It is pretty normal to feel affectionate one day and kind of trapped the next but sticking it through together, and looking back on your life as an elderly couple who made it through life supporting one another and still ended up together.. that is love.
Its a choice you make, it is an action.

like when your son is having a breakdown tantrum and youre stressed out you don't 'eel 'lovingly' or any huge surge of affection towards him at that particular moment but you ride it through you CHOOSE to be loving, and stay and help because you know that beautiful smile of his will be seen again.

in your 80s and 90s you will call these tumultuous times your best years, no doubt.

 

[Eden]

TBH and I am sorry if this sounds harsh I am blunt to be kind and spare you confusion, but you both sound like you do not understand the reality of human relationships and expect some magical fairy tale love.
The confusion both of you are feeling stems from this unrealistic lie we are told about what love is, from childhood.

It is pretty normal to feel affectionate one day and kind of trapped the next but sticking it through together, and looking back on your life as an elderly couple who made it through life supporting one another and still ended up together.. that is love.
Its a choice you make, it is an action.

like when your son is having a breakdown tantrum and youre stressed out you don't 'eel 'lovingly' or any huge surge of affection towards him at that particular moment but you ride it through you CHOOSE to be loving, and stay and help because you know that beautiful smile of his will be seen again.

in your 80s and 90s you will call these tumultuous times your best years, no doubt.

This thread was made a few months ago when things were really, really tough and we were trying to find our way back to each other and there was alot of confusion and hurt feelings. Things have leveled out and we are back together, eyes wide open, and doing well. But, thank you.

 

[Veruca Salt]

That's fantastic, I'm genuinely happy for you and wish you guys the best!

 

[paloftoon]

Now that you are together, remember, the past is now definitely the past, and this is like starting a brand new relationship, but being smarter for each other. Communicate with one another and be as open, honest, and direct as possible. Come up with solutions for various scenarios if you can.

 

[Tom]

Thread Necromancy is practiced at this location. Just so you know.