Hi All,
I'm new here. I have a 13-year-old son who was diagnosed with ASD when he was 5. His dad and I divorced in 2012, initiated by me, because of lack of communication and emotional intimacy. We had been together for 12 years, married for 8. He's a great guy. Reliable, honest, trustworthy, loyal...it was really hard to let him go, but I was so unhappy and he just refused to talk and I felt unloved and rejected. So for the last few years we've been raising our children and although divorced, have maintained a pretty good relationship. He's still close w/ my family, here for every holiday, and even spends nights here to be closer to the children. We've even taken family vacations together once a year. He's a great dad and provider.
Three years ago when my son went in for a re-evaluation, my ex realized from talking to the doctor, that he is probably on the spectrum too. Unfortunately, he didn't pursue diagnosing at the time. Last month we finally sat down before the new year to talk about our divorce. I felt there were some things I needed to say, questions I wanted answered about us. He's very shy, but surprisingly, was able to communicate his feelings and answer some of my questions. Feeling buoyed by his growth and willingness to communicate--something he refused to do when we were married--the subject of possibly getting back together came up. I mean, we spend so much time together as it is and I still love him, and have been single for the last three years. In my heart, he's still my husband.
So, we said we'd see if we could spend more time together to foster those feelings again, as it's been a while since we've behaved as a couple. So we've been watching TV together sometimes and he invited me out to breakfast two weeks ago. Last week he came into my room shyly and laid down in the bed with me. We talked a little and just cuddled. Was so nice. He then slept in the bed with me for two or three nights. (We've been careful so as not to confuse the children until we know what this is). Well, one night we ended up making love. I could have waited, but the vibe was right and it just happened. (He told me he hadn't been w/ anyone since our divorce).
Well, after the sex, which was nice, he started being weird. The next evening he went back to sleeping on the couch two nights in a row, and I was really hurt. We had a small fight about it and he revealed that things were moving fast for him. Five years apart, he said, with no inkling that we would ever get back together, and now we're spending time and sleeping in the same bed and he just felt overwhelmed and needed a chance to think and see if this is "100% the right thing." I was hurt, but in my newfound understanding and respect for who he is, I said okay. I mean, going slow is fine as long as we're moving forward, I thought. We agreed, for now, no more sleeping in the bed together, and no more sex and more space.
That was about a week ago and he still seemed distant so we talked again yesterday and he said that it occurred to him that something may be wrong with his emotions. That he has internal mood swings. That one day he feels "oh, wow, this is great, a dream come true, this feels really good", but then next he feels "trapped" or worried that he will disappoint me and that he doesn't have the basic skills to be in a relationship. That what if it doesn't work out and then I blame him and the good relationship we've had during our years apart is destroyed? Then what if he blames me for even bringing up the topic of getting back together? He's had a routine for five years, he said, working on his music and going everywhere alone, and only OCCASIONALLY feeling "Man, I wish I had someone." So basically, he's been relatively happy without me. But, he says, there's another side of him that doesn't want to be alone for the rest of his life, and getting back with me may be his only shot to be in a real relationship. And he thinks of how great it would be to tell our friends and family that we're back, and all that. He goes back and forth on these two positions in his mind. An "internal conflict" he calls it. And he can't seem to land on either side of it to make a decision to move forward with me: to A, possibly pursue counseling to get a diagnosis and understand more about this and get tools for himself and us as a couple, or just drop the idea of getting back together and continue his solo existence. It's only been one month since we've attempted trying, so maybe this is alot for him all at once.
And here I am, this sensitive, heart on her sleeve kind of individual, just sort of stuck. I was excited at the prospect of putting my family back together, because I never really understood why we couldn't work it out. My kids would love it so much and I love him dearly. Up until this last discussion, I thought our biggest challenge would be re-acclimating ourselves and me adjusting my expectations based on what I understand about him now that I didn't when we were married. But it would seem, with his confession about the mood swings, I don't know what to think. Is this a lost cause? He's a reserved quiet guy and so sweet. I'm not worried about him lashing out; he doesn't do that. But living with someone who may wake up one day and feel trapped being with me and not tell me...
Even though he realized three years ago he probably has Asperger's, he hasn't done anything to find out what it all means. He doesn't even know that there are people out there who have successful relationships with people like him. I think he just assumed he'd be alone for the rest of his life anyway, so he was ok with not doing pursuing a diagnosis. Now with the prospect of being with me, he seems all stressed out about it and thinking about his shortcomings and going back and forth about what to do, making himself crazy. And me too. He's also without a job for the first time in 10 years and worrying about money and taking care of the kids...so he's stressed. I asked him if it's possible he's overthinking all this -- bc, i know from dealing with my autie son, there's a tendency for OCD-like thoughts. He said, "possibly". I don't know if I should take what he's saying at face value and give up on the idea of being with him or what. I guess I'm wanting to know if some of the things he's saying sound like typical Aspie fears or should I see them as red flags and let the idea go. What should I expect for him to do at this point? Because "I don't know" and "possibly" are not real answers. Any advice or insight would be welcome and appreciated.
I'm so sad today and I'm not ready to have my heartbroken again.
Eden.
