AndyTrunks
New Member
Editor's Note: Having actually written it all out in one big page really puts things into perspective. That's some damn impressive levels of insecurity I have about myself there lol. Having said that though, I’ve decided to post what i wrote, as is. instead of putting it back in the box. I think it’s healthy to cast light to one's insecurities at times, in a controlled way. So you can take an honest look at them and start working it all out.
I have been dealing with some feelings and thoughts lately that I just can’t seem to put a pin in and leave alone, satisfied with what I've made of them . So I decided, why not write the whole thing down into one big ramble and see what people make of this. It’s a bit meandering but it’s honest.
I have a brother with severe autism. Think a preteen child in the body of an adult in his thirties. I am the younger sibling in this relationship and for as long as I can remember my only real exposure to anything autism has been my interactions with my brother, or other neurodiverse people that have about his level of functioning through various events/institutions. Most of it related to him.
When i turned 24 I was diagnosed with Aspergers. This coming after spending the majority of my adolescent and young adult life trying to force myself into the shoes and masks of a neurotypical person. Everything that had to do with autism brought up memories like: “Exhausting tantrums my brother throws, his disinterest in a sibling relationship I wanted to have and rejection when I tried to interact with him as one. His interests being put before my own or having had to be paid special attention to.” etc.
Getting diagnosed with anything even tangentially related to all that, was devastating. Like after spending all that time trying to differentiate myself based on the directive of “Don’t you dare end up being such a drain as he is.” I ended up being lumped in the same box despite it.
That was five years ago. Five years of introspection and personal growth with mentor support and job training among several ups and downs. I’ve had a lot of time to reflect on how much exhaustion, how many scrapes, emotional confusion and distress I could have avoided had the diagnosis come earlier, and I’d been given better tools at an earlier age. But hindsight is always 20/20 I guess. I now have my own place, a job, and a cat. Some good online friends, and the growth shows no signs of stopping so all in all, I should be happy.
But the feelings I had five years ago about my brother and my own diagnosis in relation to him have more or less stayed a constant.
I know intellectually that I am not my brother, and that the spectrum varies so wildly that no two people on it really have the same traits. People are people and they differ, as they should. I've been trying to do everything I can to not be the guy in the room with zero filter, who forces his hyper focus interest on others in the middle of a conversation. Who talks at people and not with them. Who takes what he needs from people without really understanding or considering what that might take out of their energy or funds or well being. And I’m good at that, to the point of over correction and burnout.
I just can’t seem to stop constantly being anxious about how I will look whenever I’m next to him in any social gathering beyond just me and him. At being thought of as less than I am just by association. It feels like walking a minefield where I constantly worry the next second will be the one where everyone goes “Yep, he’s just as bad at his brother cause they’re on the spectrum, what a loser, screw hanging about that kind of person.”
So.. In closing, I’d love to hear from people who also have autistic siblings, or have experienced something similar. I want to hear your stories and your thoughts about what it means to be a sibling to someone on the spectrum, or maybe even if you are that sibling, how it has shaped your relationship with your own siblings.
Most of all I just don’t want to feel like I’m alone with this.
I have been dealing with some feelings and thoughts lately that I just can’t seem to put a pin in and leave alone, satisfied with what I've made of them . So I decided, why not write the whole thing down into one big ramble and see what people make of this. It’s a bit meandering but it’s honest.
I have a brother with severe autism. Think a preteen child in the body of an adult in his thirties. I am the younger sibling in this relationship and for as long as I can remember my only real exposure to anything autism has been my interactions with my brother, or other neurodiverse people that have about his level of functioning through various events/institutions. Most of it related to him.
When i turned 24 I was diagnosed with Aspergers. This coming after spending the majority of my adolescent and young adult life trying to force myself into the shoes and masks of a neurotypical person. Everything that had to do with autism brought up memories like: “Exhausting tantrums my brother throws, his disinterest in a sibling relationship I wanted to have and rejection when I tried to interact with him as one. His interests being put before my own or having had to be paid special attention to.” etc.
Getting diagnosed with anything even tangentially related to all that, was devastating. Like after spending all that time trying to differentiate myself based on the directive of “Don’t you dare end up being such a drain as he is.” I ended up being lumped in the same box despite it.
That was five years ago. Five years of introspection and personal growth with mentor support and job training among several ups and downs. I’ve had a lot of time to reflect on how much exhaustion, how many scrapes, emotional confusion and distress I could have avoided had the diagnosis come earlier, and I’d been given better tools at an earlier age. But hindsight is always 20/20 I guess. I now have my own place, a job, and a cat. Some good online friends, and the growth shows no signs of stopping so all in all, I should be happy.
But the feelings I had five years ago about my brother and my own diagnosis in relation to him have more or less stayed a constant.
I know intellectually that I am not my brother, and that the spectrum varies so wildly that no two people on it really have the same traits. People are people and they differ, as they should. I've been trying to do everything I can to not be the guy in the room with zero filter, who forces his hyper focus interest on others in the middle of a conversation. Who talks at people and not with them. Who takes what he needs from people without really understanding or considering what that might take out of their energy or funds or well being. And I’m good at that, to the point of over correction and burnout.
I just can’t seem to stop constantly being anxious about how I will look whenever I’m next to him in any social gathering beyond just me and him. At being thought of as less than I am just by association. It feels like walking a minefield where I constantly worry the next second will be the one where everyone goes “Yep, he’s just as bad at his brother cause they’re on the spectrum, what a loser, screw hanging about that kind of person.”
So.. In closing, I’d love to hear from people who also have autistic siblings, or have experienced something similar. I want to hear your stories and your thoughts about what it means to be a sibling to someone on the spectrum, or maybe even if you are that sibling, how it has shaped your relationship with your own siblings.
Most of all I just don’t want to feel like I’m alone with this.