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Intimacy sucks. Help.

J

Juliet8080

Well-Known Member
My boyfriend and I are doing great and we love each other to death but he wants intimacy physically and I don't. I'm also asexual (not sexually attracted to anyone) and refuse to have sex because it doesn't appeal to me and I hate it. I also don't like too much skin touching, and he wants to like cuddle partially in the nude or something and I don't want that at all. He's not sure if he requires that in a relationship because it's really important to him and I just can't handle it. My senses are too hypersensitive. We might break up because of this. Not sure if there's an answer but any support is welcome. I'm kinda just ranting haha. Sometimes being autistic is annoying.
 
My advice is to end it. What you are experiencing is due to fundamental differences in neurology that cannot be overcome. Eventually, you will resent each other. Juliet, you will need to find someone who is just like you in regard to sexuality and intimacy requirements in order to have a happy relationship. Such folk are out there, but are quite rare unfortunately. Take stock of what is truly important to you.
 
My husband and I are both Aspies Juliet. Neither of us like to be touched by strangers, or even acquaintances or even family at times. Both of us have had a regular sex life together. Touching can be pleasurable with a person you are close to, it's something that requires practice and being used to one another.

My suggestion is that you start with something such as hugs or hand-holding or kissing, or even sitting close to one another at first, practice those things with your boyfriend. These are pleasurable things that can be enjoyable, if done at a slow pace. You would be missing out on a quite fun and enjoyable aspect of life, if you refuse to try.
 
Mia said:
My husband and I are both Aspies Juliet. Neither of us like to be touched by strangers, or even acquaintances or even family at times. Both of us have had a regular sex life together. Touching can be pleasurable with a person you are close to, it's something that requires practice and being used to one another.

My suggestion is that you start with something such as hugs or hand-holding or kissing, or even sitting close to one another at first, practice those things with your boyfriend. These are pleasurable things that can be enjoyable, if done at a slow pace. You would be missing out on a quite fun and enjoyable aspect of life, if you refuse to try.
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Thanks for the comment! See the thing is we did try and I hated it so much. There was nothing I liked about it and I started crying I hated it so much. Too much skin and touching and I derive no pleasure from it. It's just how my brain works.
 
Think that its more a question of why it makes you feel so terrible. Do you know why? I'm also touch-sensitive.

Are you certain that if you take the touching verrrry slowly, that you won't become familiar with it? That you'll develop over time a wish for this to happen more. It may have something to do with the way you are doing this, keeping your clothing on for example, and hugging one another, may be a first step.

By the way, are you of legal age to consider this kind of advice? If you are under eighteen then this advice is not something you should consider. Aspie females tend towards taking much more time to consider things in a relationship.
 
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Mia said:
Think that its more a question of why it makes you feel so terrible. Do you know why? I'm also touch-sensitive but there are areas of my body that are so sensitive that someone touching me causes pleasure not pain.

Are you certain that if you take the touching verrrry slowly, that you won't become familiar with it? That you'll develop over time a wish for this to happen more. It may have something to do with the way you are doing this, keeping your clothing on for example, and hugging one another, may be a first step.

By the way, are you of legal age to consider this kind of advice? If you are under eighteen then this advice is not something you should consider. Aspie females tend towards taking much more time to consider things in a relationship.
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I'm over eighteen. It's not just a touch-averse thing, I just legitimately don't like the act. I'm like a child in that way and that part of my brain physically never developed. Romance and sex are completely separate for me personally. Even if it gave me immense pleasure (which it does not) I still wouldn't want to do it.
 
Juliet, I'm going to put this out there, as a point of perspective for your relationship, maybe it will help?

I have a touch aversion, due to PTSD rather than AS. Touching, cuddling, and sex are not painful, but they are very disturbing to me. Consequently, I don't do them and don't want to do them. My first wife was more like your BF, she wanted and needed a lot of physical affection, touching, hugging, sex, etc. I simply was unable to meet this need of hers. It caused a huge problem for our relationship and was one of the fundamental reasons for our divorce after 6 years.

My current wife and I are much more similar regarding the amount of physical affection and sexual desire. Our intimacy comes from a different emotional and intellectual place. We are very close.

Such a drastic difference in so basic a human need is ultimately going to cause problems in the long term.
 
That's too bad Juliet, you're missing out on a huge dimension of life. And because you are young, your ideas may change in the future.

In the meantime, it might be a good idea to get to know someone who's more sympathetic to your way of looking at the world.
 
I also loathe the idea of sex, and I'd suggest to just dump him if he won't respect your wishes.
 
Mia said:
That's too bad Juliet, you're missing out on a huge dimension of life. And because you are young, your ideas may change in the future.

In the meantime, it might be a good idea to get to know someone who's more sympathetic to your way of looking at the world.
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No offense intended Mia, but I think for us asexuals, we're not missing out on anything and the dislike for it will probably not waver. For us (in my opinion, at least, so do correct me if I'm wrong) the idea of sex and intimate relationships is slightly creepy and not at all desirable. :)
 
Creepi said:
No offense intended Mia, but I think for us asexuals, we're not missing out on anything and the dislike for it will probably not waver. For us (in my opinion, at least, so do correct me if I'm wrong) the idea of sex and intimate relationships is slightly creepy and not at all desirable.
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You are definitely missing out on something, but I do understand. Your choice, but you have to decide I think, if its out of fear, without any comprehension of what intimacy is it can only be about fear of the unknown. No offense either.
 
I can understand how the idea of connecting two bodies together and possibly 'stuff being deposited' might be gross, especially to females who have difficulty understanding the emotional nature of sex. When looked at in a strict sense, free from the influence of instinct or emotion, sex is a rather curious and 'invasive' act.
 
"My boyfriend and I are doing great and we love each other to death but he wants intimacy physically and I don't."

This is not a schism that you want to build a relationship on. Just as much as you need not to be touched, he most likely needs it. Unless you are welcome considering an 'open relationship' where he can meet that need elsewhere (which is its own ball of problems) then you are going to have a very rough road ahead. At the end of this road is acrimony, contempt, rejection and resentment.

My thoughts? Let him go, find someone who you are more compatible with.
 
The answer is you two are not compatible and he may, or may not stay with you. He may stay with you out of love, or he hopes you'll change your mind. Naivety is wasted on the young. If you two are young it is most likely the later, or some combination of both. If you DO love him, you need to break up with him and tell him why. As someone who craves and NEEDS physical affection in a relationship, this would be torment.
 
I am both asexual and hypersexual, due to having been molested as a child for quite a long period of time and find intimacy to be rather weird. My husband is a very touchy, touchy man and many times I have to sort of pretend to playfully pull away and other times, find myself almost throwing his hands off me, as though they are an irritant. I actually hate to be touched and even kissing can turn me cold and I am afraid that I have wiped my mouth, when he has not looked!

Only truly discovered all this during my marriage, otherwise, I would not have gone through with it.

He says that I miss out on so much, but I actually do not feel that way at all. I do not think about whether I want to be touched or to touch; it is just that I do not like being touched and find it weird to touch another! I derive no pleasure from touching my husband's body, but I know that is not because of him, as I was once, deeply in love with a guy and we went out for nearly 3 year's and I felt exactly the same way. Lol he loved his back massaged ( boyfriend), by me, but it turned me cold and the only way I could do it, was using oils.

Touching skin is very strange to me and I do not enjoy deep intimacy; I, in truth, perform because it is fair to my husband; it is not his fault that he loves sex, so why deprive him?

But in your situation, you ought to be fair to this young man and end it with him, for he has as much right as you, to want to be intimate.

Bizarredly I find watching sex to be more exciting to be in on it, but really I suspect that is due to the abuse!
 
Mia said:
You are definitely missing out on something, but I do understand. Your choice, but you have to decide I think, if its out of fear, without any comprehension of what intimacy is it can only be about fear of the unknown. No offense either.
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I feel as if you don't quite understand what they're trying to say. I doubt they feel like they're missing out on anything if they neither enjoy nor desire it. Not everyone enjoys the same things and it's not always a matter of trauma or not being conditioned that makes them dislike it.
 
goofygoobers said:
I feel as if you don't quite understand what they're trying to say. I doubt they feel like they're missing out on anything if they neither enjoy nor desire it
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I do comprehend what they are saying. If you have little or no experience with something, abstaining is something of a judgement based in little knowledge.
 
I also hate skin to skin contact. I even have an order in medical chart that the Dr has to wear gloves or not touch me. If he tries, I will knock them out! Not really, but you get my point.

I have been in relationships to varying degrees. I am just not sure how things would go with a nice person. I have been really abused and hit and lots of violence so it is hard to tell , as the other posters who have trauma, how much is PTSD and how much Autism. I do not know.

I would say that if I was with someone who did want it and I did not, I would assume it was only a matter of time till THEY wanted out. So I would end it to avoid that pain. However, I would certianly talk to them and tell them it is not them, and I would hope that we would be kind to each other .
 
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