inate desire vs aspergers reaction

[kchapman1988]

given my own experience with relationships i've been wondering if this happens to others, my subconsious tells me that i want to have friends, that i want a partner and to be intimate with said partner. my consious mind (i think due to aspergers) reacts by saying i cant stay connected to these people because they dont seem real,

i see their body, hear their words but feels like watching a film. all two dimentional with no anima, no spirit, nothing behind that image...

i'm not sure if im getting across what i mean but this is the best i can do. it may turn out im a phycopath/sociopath waiting to happen.

any responce is apreciated.

thankyou

 

[NeverEnder]

given my own experience with relationships i've been wondering if this happens to others, my subconsious tells me that i want to have friends, that i want a partner and to be intimate with said partner. my consious mind (i think due to aspergers) reacts by saying i cant stay connected to these people because they dont seem real,

i see their body, hear their words but feels like watching a film. all two dimentional with no anima, no spirit, nothing behind that image...

i'm not sure if im getting across what i mean but this is the best i can do. it may turn out im a phycopath/sociopath waiting to happen.

any responce is apreciated.

thankyou

I understand and relate to your words. It makes sense to me.

I do not have friends and their potential presence seems transparent to me, unimportant - Really, it's just me, how I perceive reality, I guess.

 

[kchapman1988]

to be honest it makes life difficult, wanting someone but knowing you only want one thing (feeling bad about it ) wanting yet not wanting friends

 

[epath13]

given my own experience with relationships i've been wondering if this happens to others, my subconsious tells me that i want to have friends, that i want a partner and to be intimate with said partner. my consious mind (i think due to aspergers) reacts by saying i cant stay connected to these people because they dont seem real,

i see their body, hear their words but feels like watching a film. all two dimentional with no anima, no spirit, nothing behind that image...

i'm not sure if im getting across what i mean but this is the best i can do. it may turn out im a phycopath/sociopath waiting to happen.

any responce is apreciated.

thankyou

It sounds very similar to what I have experienced. I came to a conclusion that I personally is able to sorts of.... awaken and cultivate feelings of compaction and closeness to others. I did have to be willing to try and give in. In the beginning I tried to imagine what I would feel to certain people. Of course I had splashes of strong feelings here and there but it all seemed surreal and unpredictable. I also had to learn how to understand my own feelings and emotions better. It takes time, maybe with some research and outside help, but it's worth it. Meditations and working with energy fields helped tremendously as well, but it's not for everyone of course.
I'm not sure why you feel this way exactly, but all I'm saying it sounds familiar to what I have felt and still feel sometimes so if you really want those close relationships with people, you will probably have to do some work...

 

[kchapman1988]

i've tried imagining how others would feel but im normally wrong, i cant even understand basic human reations or feelings (no i dont count myself in this group)

 

[kchapman1988]

most of the time when i think about relationships i just feel like a pervert :'(

 

[epath13]

most of the time when i think about relationships i just feel like a pervert :'(

Don't give up. It takes time. It took me 15-20 years to learn things that come naturally to others. It's easy to become discouraged when things don't seem to work out no matter how hard you try but it doesn't mean you should stop trying. Communicate, ask questions, learn about social skills. It might feel fake and unnatural at 1st, but later you might start having fun. I don't know if people on the spectrum can ever feel the way the rest of the world does but we can still do it in our own way.
You know... For instance some kids with Autism have so many issues, it might seem that they never learn, but when parents of those children don't give up - amazing things happen. I think one thing you should do is to stop comparing yourself with others and try to learn how to be more comfortable with yourself... You don't have to be like others, you are unique and your way of learning about life and, in this case, about relationships, is different, so my only advice - try to embrace it.
How open are you about your Asperger's, do you tell people about it?

 

[kchapman1988]

i tell them as much as i understand it, to be honest at this point i've retreated to my home, rarely going out and not interactine with others. i've had maybe two relationships, one with someone with their own issues which failed spectacularly to move forward, the other also had issues and it was more a friends with benefits thing that ended when she wanted a 'normal life'

 

[Alpaca]

I'm actually an extremely compassionate, caring person. I tend to fall in love with good people immediately and there's not much I wouldn't do for them. Of course, this had to be learned. This is due, in large part, to my relationship with my nieces, some of my family and my best friend, all of who see me for who I am. I big hearted teddy bear who just wants to be loved.

 

[kchapman1988]

i guess my reaction is due to negative re-enforcement, thanks for posting alpaca

 

[Alpaca]

i guess my reaction is due to negative re-enforcement, thanks for posting alpaca

I always say that our problem is 9/10ths a confidence issue. My anxiety and depression have always been associated with my problems socializing or because of how some people have treated me.

 

[kchapman1988]

your right, its really hard to work against negative experiences.

 

[Alpaca]

your right, its really hard to work against negative experiences.

Use the emotions as fuel for growth. While some people have treated me like dirt, most try to understand. Some choose to love.

A line that has given me much courage and hope-

To have suffered is to understand compassion. To be imperfect is to understand excellence. To be alone is to understand love.


keep fighting my friend.

 

[kchapman1988]

thankyou

 

[kchapman1988]

(i say this often) i'm curious what do others here actually want out of a relationship? are there situations where you've done something you think will hurt the other person if you told them but every time they are more hurt that you didn't?

if you've managed to get a relationship how has it progressed? my ex said i treated interactions with her like a check-list, 'we've done THIS now time to move on to THIS'
she wanted me to start things but it had to be on days she wanted it (which i had to figure out) but if touched too lightly (which i was likey to do from being nervous) would jerk away.

is there a difference between beautiful women and those you truely feel attracted to, as in are attractive you are more drawn to them rather than a vague 'she is pretty' ?

 

[Ylva]

What I want out of a relationship is the ability to trust. If I met such a trustworthy person – that I could trust his honesty, his judgment and his love for me all at once – I would be willing to do almost anything for him.

Personaliteis are attractive to me. It is reflected somewhat in physical appearance, in terms of how well they take care of themselves; but it is who someone is that makes all the difference, to me.

 

[kchapman1988]

so you'd rather be told and be hurt than not told

 

[Soup]

@ Kchapman: Welcome back! We haven't seen you around here for a while. As for being in a relationship, yes, definitely I've been there. A person's looks may be what attracts you to her at first or makes you want to talk to her. But if she turns out to be a ruse snarky not very nice person, her looks won't matter very much. Indeed, she may even seem plain when a ad character emerges.

Sounds like the ex you were with was a difficult personality. Have you tried dating another Aspie? Some would appreciate a nice cleat checklist approach to things so long as you made the list together.

 

[kchapman1988]

she was an aspie i think i kinda got scared off of talking to people as i seem to offend people on here and we tend to react rather strongly.

alot of the girls/women i've been more interested in aren't 'normal' girly types. then their personalities turn out to be interesting

 

[ColorfulDreams]

I'm not sure. I mean,I am very in tune with others and their feelings and such,but somehow I cant really communicate very well.I have some friends,and the thought of having a social group is inviting,even though I can never seem to get one. I'm very reserved with strangers when meeting in the real world. It makes things hard. Sometimes I space out when I'm out around people also... :/