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He Completely Stopped Talking to Me, What to Do?

V

Valenstiny

Active Member
Hello, my name is Valentine. I made this account just for the purpose of posting this.
Last year, I met my ex bf who has Aspergers. Everything was perfect for 4 months and then things got bumpy.
At first, we talked everyday. When I called or texted him, I always got my response. I always knew he’d be right there. He promised he’d never leave and that I was his number one.
Then, I started school again and he began his first year of college. Our relationship was already long distance so sometimes out schedules didn’t match up so sometimes we didn’t talk or not as long as before. I knew this and it was fine. I still got calls and texts even if they weren’t as frequent which was something I had to learn to adjust to.
My dog died during this which only added to my stress. Like him, I suffer from mental illnesses (Bipolar Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder) so because of everything that went on, I became unstable. I began to lash out at him. It was horrible. Because of this, we took a break for me to get myself together.
After that was fixed, we barely spoke at all. No calls an occasional texts. The only real way I could hear from him was if I gave him an ultimatum or said it was serious.
Fast forward to early this year, no calls, no texts at all. Nothing. When we did talk, sometimes he’d be cold with. He was never there anymore. He said he’d improve but nothing changed so I broke up with him. He understood why and promised he’d come back and that he wouldn’t leave me alone. But he did.
Now we never ever talk. I try so hard to get him to respond. It’s like he sees my texts but doesn’t care. Last week he said he’d call, no call. Nothing. It breaks my heart. I miss him so much but I don’t know how to get to him. I have his number, SnapChat, and Xbox name. I also have his moms number and his sister’s Instagram but I’m too scared to bother them. I just want to speak to him. I miss him so much and I love him with my heart. I don’t know what to do. I’m desperate.
 
I'm sorry. I know this is especially horrible for people with borderline, worse probably than for any other group of people. I was married to someone with borderline for eleven years, my mother in law was diagnosed with it as well. I want you to understand that I'm saying this is someone that'd loved people with BPD. If you've reached out to him, and it sounds like you have in a few different ways, and he's not responding I think you need to accept that he doesn't want to talk to you right now and take measures to care for yourself.

This sounds like a behavior I've seen in others with BPD where something goes wrong with a relationship they're very invested in and they get caught in a tortured loop feeling they need contact with that person. This is when I'm the most worried about their well being. I'm concerned that this may send you into a particularly rough episode. Do you have someone in your life that you can reach out to in order to talk about what you're going through emotionally right now?
 
I can imagine how awful this is for you; a complete mental nightmare due to what you are diagnosed with and this is going to be the LAST thing you want to hear, but the facts are, this is a no go relationship.

You need stableness in your life and so does he, but neither of you can be that person for each other and thus, it is a toxic relationship and can only end in utter misery.

When one has their own issues to deal with and encounter another who has even worse to deal with, one tends to break down and say: no more!

He has obviously tried to be there, but due to his situation with college etc, it is quite impossible for him to see beyond that, to be an aid to you.

We get overload with the "simplist" action.
 
I can only say from my own experience is that I am very choosy, despite being a complete and utter social failure. I have been cold to any girl that talks to me, because I have an obsession with the cutest little one.
 
You've done what you can do in this situation. You've contacted him and he hasn't replied. I don't think repeatedly contacting him, or contacting his family (don't do that. That's quite invasive, I think.) will help. He knows where you are if he wants to find you.

It could just be that the two of you are incompatible. Sadly, this is just the case sometimes. Even if you don't feel that you are, perhaps he does. I'm not saying you did wrong, but where you said you lashed out at him and gave him ultimatums, that could be really hard for an autistic person (or a lot of people) where stability and predictability in a relationship are often quite important. I understand you have mental health issues, so it really sounds like making sure you're getting full support with that should be your priority. Maybe you two will make up, maybe you won't. I think you've done all you can. The ball is in his court. Be kind to yourself and take care of your mental health.
 
Let's see now. You lashed out at him, then you gave him an ultimatum. And now he won't talk to you. Hmm.
 
You could try sticking pins in a doll (with no resemblance to any other person living or dead) dressed like him.

Seriously, there is nothing anyone can do or say to change the situation. Relationships breakup up all the time. You can't make the other person come back. Attempts at reconciliation can be reasonable, but once that fails, you just have to accept it. Anything past that point just drags things out and makes it messier for all concerned.
 
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Move on when you can and just work on improving yourself otherwise. You can be that much better for the next person/people. Catch up with friends if you have any.
 
When you break up with someone, they move on.
Just because you love him doesnt mean you should be together.
Love conquers all is a myth.
 
H-Kath said:
I'm sorry. I know this is especially horrible for people with borderline, worse probably than for any other group of people. I was married to someone with borderline for eleven years, my mother in law was diagnosed with it as well. I want you to understand that I'm saying this is someone that'd loved people with BPD. If you've reached out to him, and it sounds like you have in a few different ways, and he's not responding I think you need to accept that he doesn't want to talk to you right now and take measures to care for yourself.

This sounds like a behavior I've seen in others with BPD where something goes wrong with a relationship they're very invested in and they get caught in a tortured loop feeling they need contact with that person. This is when I'm the most worried about their well being. I'm concerned that this may send you into a particularly rough episode. Do you have someone in your life that you can reach out to in order to talk about what you're going through emotionally right now?
Click to expand...

I appreciate your comment more than anything. Thank you.
 
Suzanne said:
I can imagine how awful this is for you; a complete mental nightmare due to what you are diagnosed with and this is going to be the LAST thing you want to hear, but the facts are, this is a no go relationship.

You need stableness in your life and so does he, but neither of you can be that person for each other and thus, it is a toxic relationship and can only end in utter misery.

When one has their own issues to deal with and encounter another who has even worse to deal with, one tends to break down and say: no more!

He has obviously tried to be there, but due to his situation with college etc, it is quite impossible for him to see beyond that, to be an aid to you.

We get overload with the "simplist" action.
Click to expand...

We were always different, I warned him it out incompatibility in the beginning and he still insisted on us. I hate the thought of that being true.
 
shysnail said:
You've done what you can do in this situation. You've contacted him and he hasn't replied. I don't think repeatedly contacting him, or contacting his family (don't do that. That's quite invasive, I think.) will help. He knows where you are if he wants to find you.

It could just be that the two of you are incompatible. Sadly, this is just the case sometimes. Even if you don't feel that you are, perhaps he does. I'm not saying you did wrong, but where you said you lashed out at him and gave him ultimatums, that could be really hard for an autistic person (or a lot of people) where stability and predictability in a relationship are often quite important. I understand you have mental health issues, so it really sounds like making sure you're getting full support with that should be your priority. Maybe you two will make up, maybe you won't. I think you've done all you can. The ball is in his court. Be kind to yourself and take care of your mental health.
Click to expand...

Thank you for your kind comment. I appreciate you.
 
Catana said:
Let's see now. You lashed out at him, then you gave him an ultimatum. And now he won't talk to you. Hmm.
Click to expand...

Your comment is very rude and not helpful in the slightest. If anything, during our rough patch, he lashed out at me as well and also have me ultimatums too. But that was last year, this is new. We have spoken about 3 times this new year. I don’t appreciate your comment and if you do reply to this one, I hope it’s kind.
 
Valenstiny said:
Moving on is the one thing I can barely do.
Click to expand...

Barely - not impossible!

I fell in love when I was 19 and he was my world. I could not eat nor drink, if I did not speak to him in a day and as soon as that blasted phone rang and it was him, I felt like a throusand love hearts ( by today's thinking) had burst forth and was on cloud 9 for the rest of the day.

We could be in a crowded room and it might as well been just us! No one matched up to him. Even his name was enough to desolve me.

We only dated for 2 and half years, but they were very intense years with him and it did take many years to get him out of my heart, but it just happened, 3 year's ago, he contacted me through facebook and that confirmed that I know longer love him.

Even in my misery of missing him, I got through it. So, it is not impossible to move on and the ONLY way you can do so, is to completely cut him off; if you do not, you will not be able to move on and even if you do not want to move on, really, it is for your future benefit to do so.
 
Valenstiny said:
We were always different, I warned him it out incompatibility in the beginning and he still insisted on us. I hate the thought of that being true.
Click to expand...

Oh it is so easy to say that it won't cause issues, until it does!

Again, I know your pain. It makes you feel so sick, you feel you are going to scream with the agony of missing him! Been there myself, which is why I recognise how you feel.

He obviously was attracted to you enough, to push aside any negatives, but time has proved he cannot cope.

I would stop trying to connect to him ( can be attainable; just need willpower to do so) and if he has any feelings for you, he will contact you and from there, you have to say that it is driving you crazy and he either has to stay with you or not contact you again.
 
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