1. Welcome to Autism Forums, a friendly forum to discuss Aspergers Syndrome, Autism, High Functioning Autism and related conditions.

    Your voice is missing! You will need to register to get access to the following site features:
    • Reply to discussions and create your own threads.
    • Our modern chat room. No add-ons or extensions required, just login and start chatting!
    • Private Member only forums for more serious discussions that you may wish to not have guests or search engines access to.
    • Your very own blog. Write about anything you like on your own individual blog.

    We hope to see you as a part of our community soon! Please also check us out @ https://www.twitter.com/aspiescentral

Do you try to make friends by "buying" them?

Discussion in 'Friends, Family & Social Skills' started by Amy Stone, Jun 8, 2021.

Do you try and buy friends?

  1. Yes I currently do

    8.3%
  2. I used to, but don't anymore

    37.5%
  3. No I don't and never have

    41.7%
  4. Other (leave comment below)

    12.5%
  1. OkRad

    OkRad μῆνιν ἄειδε θεὰ Πηληϊάδεω Ἀχιλῆος οὐλομένην V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    2,987
    Joined:
    Oct 4, 2013
    Karma:
    +5,556
    It does not matter if I buy or give or smile or frown......I am like a dog with Frontline and fleas are like friends........they jump ship as soon as they get a whiff.
     
    • Funny Funny x 2
    • Agree Agree x 1
  2. Amy Stone

    Amy Stone Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    110
    Joined:
    May 28, 2021
    Karma:
    +259
    Ok I know that isn't supposed to be funny but it is a great analogy for myself as well :)
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
  3. SimonSays

    SimonSays Time is an illusion I seem to have a lot of V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    836
    Joined:
    Feb 3, 2021
    Karma:
    +1,584
    I wouldn't call it buying anyone, or even trying to get friends by giving/doing. But, for those who become friends, they feel like family to me, and I would do/give whatever might make things easier, help, show, move their stuff, listen, advise, or other ways of sharing myself, or my creativity.

    Like @Progster, I have also lost friends who borrowed money then never paid back. Not small amounts either. "Neither a borrower nor a lender be", but in the past, I did lend against my better judgment. Hard to say no when a 'friend' asks and I have plenty. In each case it caused the end of the friendship. I realised it was the price of letting go of someone who was never a real friend.

    I don't have friends right now, but it always feels like love to give a bit of me or my time to someone who is.
     
    • Friendly Friendly x 2
    • Like Like x 1
  4. Bolletje

    Bolletje Overly complicated potato V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    4,202
    Joined:
    Jan 3, 2017
    Karma:
    +11,341
    I don’t think I try to buy friends. I’m generally a nice person and I try to help out people I like or make gestures of appreciation (hey, office buddy, I’m getting a coffee, do you want me to bring you one?). But I don’t give people gifts until I am already friends with them.

    I do occasionally bring home-baked goods to work for my back office team, but I feel like that’s a show of appreciation to them, not necessarily a bribe for friendship. I guess you could see it that way though. I think I mostly do that because I’ve watched other people do that and it seems to be something people do in work environments so I’ve just picked up the habit (that, and I shouldn’t be home alone with baked goods because I will eat them all, so the back office is a convenient place to rid myself of them ;) )
     
    • Like Like x 2
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Funny Funny x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
  5. Butterfly88

    Butterfly88 Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    23,167
    Joined:
    Nov 13, 2015
    Karma:
    +9,040
    There were times in the past I would send my video game friends rather generous in-game items.
     
    • Like Like x 3
  6. Crossbreed

    Crossbreed Neur-D Missionary ☝️

    Messages:
    4,679
    Joined:
    Nov 1, 2015
    Karma:
    +6,715
    With NT classmates & co-workers (and neurds, too), I just do me.
    If there is a way that I can bless others along the way,
    I will certainly do so,
    but it doesn't require anything in return.​
    I would hope that it generates reciprocal good-will,
    but I was going to do that thing, anyway. ;)
     
    Last edited: Jun 11, 2021
    • Like Like x 2
  7. Sherlock77

    Sherlock77 Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    1,772
    Joined:
    Jun 5, 2017
    Karma:
    +3,178
    I've never thought of that, can't say that I do it

    I generally connect with people through shared interested, the local arts scene, music and poetry scene, an my involvement in photography, my circle of close friends is quite small but I have a fairly broad group of people I know through different involvements and interests

    I have never "bought" people, but a true friendship should be reciprocal, and as someone else said the best gift within a friendship (new or old) is time itself...
     
    • Like Like x 2
  8. MyLifeAsAnAspie

    MyLifeAsAnAspie Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    239
    Joined:
    Jan 21, 2020
    Karma:
    +345
    Most people wouldn't consider it buying a friend, just gift giving. I am terrible at it and so rarely do it. I know where you are coming from by calling it "buying friends". I actually tried giving a gift with that intent when I was a kid and it was extremely awkward and I felt ashamed for trying it. To do it right comes naturally to some but I doubt if many of us are good at it.
     
    • Like Like x 2
  9. Raggamuffin

    Raggamuffin Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    988
    Joined:
    Jan 23, 2020
    Karma:
    +2,251
    I used to give a lot, impulsive spending and gifting etc. But you tend to end up giving so much that it takes from yourself, and it's not healthy. Also, you can wind up attracting users.

    These days I focus on myself. And if I go out to meet friends etc, we will each pay our own way, rather than me feeling obliged to cover the cost for everyone.

    Ed
     
    • Agree Agree x 1
  10. _eri_bellehumeur

    _eri_bellehumeur Active Member

    Messages:
    144
    Joined:
    Oct 30, 2020
    Karma:
    +364
    I wouldn't call what I do trying to buy friends- it's more that I feel it's the best way I have to show the people I care about that I care. I'm a hermit and love my own company, so can easily go extended periods of time without speaking to another person (like weeks, even). I worry that people might think i don't care so the gifts are my way of saying that they are important to me. This is only for people i know closely, already established friends and family- I feel uncomfortable accepting gifts from people I don't know so never do this as a means of forming a friendship.
     
    • Like Like x 3
  11. Gerald Wilgus

    Gerald Wilgus Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    372
    Joined:
    May 14, 2021
    Karma:
    +756
    I never tried to "buy" friends, but I would generously share my expertise and interests. That never seemed to work out as many did not reciprocate. I remember well one person who had an interest in paleontology. I took him to localities of outcrops, etc. and even introduced him to people from the Royal Ontario Museum. So when the King Tut exhibit was coming to the Field Museum he let slip that he was taking a road trip to see it. I asked if I could go along and he told me that there was no room as he was going with other friends. That hurt a lot.

    It was a hard lesson about "takers". Happily I now have other friends who practice mutual care and sharing and I am the better for having their friendship.
     
    • Agree Agree x 2
    • Like Like x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
  12. Tom

    Tom Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    6,204
    Joined:
    Jan 7, 2015
    Karma:
    +14,558
    In the military I sometimes bought donuts for other sections that I had to work with. As appreciation for work they were doing for my unit and as a kind of bribe for them to continue to help us out. Kinda obvious but it went to the worker bees and did in fact work pretty good. :)
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Creative Creative x 1
  13. Paul Lee

    Paul Lee Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    332
    Joined:
    Oct 8, 2017
    Karma:
    +186
    I pay for to see women, but that's about it. ❤️
     
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
  14. Gerald Wilgus

    Gerald Wilgus Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    372
    Joined:
    May 14, 2021
    Karma:
    +756
    While that is purely transactional, I wouldn't do that with any American woman who couldn't be bothered to notice me in the first place. I'd rather expend that effort in Pattaya or at Soi Cowboy or Rana Plaza.
     
    • Like Like x 1
  15. Gift2humanity

    Gift2humanity Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    1,448
    Joined:
    Jan 12, 2019
    Karma:
    +1,361
    I never knew what a real friend was, I thought friends were someone to "be with" or "be like" and was open to a lot of mis-treatment.

    "Gimme a sweet and I will be your best friend" seemed like a great offer of friendship at 9, no less than 9yrs old, until it took my mum to say I was buying a friend.

    A friendship is mutual, they are there for each other when times are hard, as well as the good times.

    They respect each other's interpersonal boundaries.
     
    Last edited: Jun 11, 2021
  16. hatfullofrain

    hatfullofrain Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    309
    Joined:
    Aug 6, 2019
    Karma:
    +501
    Good questions.

    I've only known a couple of people like this, but have you met the sort who will do something for you deliberately so that you owe them?

    I can't think of a specific conversation to give you an example.

    The huge red flag is a warning. My Spidey senses tell me that this person is a wrong-un, who has a manipulative streak. Something is off.

    They will invade your life, be demanding and expect you to do what they want. A narcissist type.
     
    • Informative Informative x 1
    • Useful Useful x 1
  17. Amy Stone

    Amy Stone Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    110
    Joined:
    May 28, 2021
    Karma:
    +259
    @hatfullofrain I think perhaps you are projecting or misunderstanding the OP. If you and your family just moved in next door and I brought you guys a plate of cookies to say "welcome to the neighborhood"...it would be what I consider a warm gesture of welcome and it would be in the hopes to open a line of communication between us (ie friendship). Not that "you now owed me the equivalent of a plate of cookies".
     
    • Informative Informative x 1
  18. hatfullofrain

    hatfullofrain Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    309
    Joined:
    Aug 6, 2019
    Karma:
    +501
    It depends on the person. That is a nice gesture, but it would depend on who was giving them to me.
     
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
  19. Thinx

    Thinx Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    4,461
    Joined:
    Mar 4, 2018
    Karma:
    +6,945
    OK I see. But I don't feel anyone can invade my life, because I don't let them. They give me cookies, I say thanks. We exchange pleasantries. The relating ends there for me. How can they invade my life? This doesn't happen to me.

    In any case I probably would see them coming up the path and hide. Not because I think they are invasive narcissists, but just because I don't want to have an unplanned unstructured social interaction with a stranger.
     
  20. Kitsuna

    Kitsuna New Member

    Messages:
    9
    Joined:
    Nov 27, 2020
    Karma:
    +20
    I've bought baked goods or something for my workplace before and I might give neighbors I know small gifts, but I wouldn't do anything huge for folks I'm not familiar with. Especially building a website for free. Some designers charge upwards of $1000 for websites.