Do you try to make friends by "buying" them?

[jleeb05]

As an Aspie, I tend to not connect to people on an emotional level. Instead, I try to show my affection or interest by doing, buying, or making something nice for them. Some examples:

-New neighbors were moving in and I had pizza and soda delivered
-I made art and sent art to several people
-I made the whole neighborhood pumpkin rolls for Christmas
-I volunteered to install a garden
-I helped some neighbors build a website (no charge)
-I bought some girls handmade soap and lotion
-For multiple other people I made dinner, baked cookies, gave away free services (like photography or art)

When I meet someone I automatically go to "maybe I should do XYZ for them to show how much I care!" But over the last couple of years I stopped doing these things because they almost never work. I usually end up being a doormat.

I am just wondering how many other Aspies out there try to "make friends" by doing or buying or making something for someone? Did it work? Have you been used? Do you still try to buy friendship or did you stop?

Just curious!!!

Yes. I’ve realized that I can be overly generous. I don’t think I was consciously trying to buy anyone’s affection but I’m sure that might have been the impact. I also don’t think it has to be through gifts. I’ve gone out of my way to do nice things for people.

I’ve realized though that this can attract some negative people into your life. Sometimes people also come to expect it and take you for granted.

 

[Gift2humanity]

Yes my generosity was not true generosity it was to buy friends as I could not tell a real friend from "someone to be with at break time".
I think if I had carried on my reading of fiction I would have learnt what a real friend is. I learnt around 2yrs of age and gave it up as I wanted to walk without falling down so my Dad wouldn't make fun of me.
I used to get tricks played on me, hit sometimes, but not beat up, threatened, humiliated by kids at school and home.

 

[Nairobi]

Kinda of not clear where the line is on this. Grew up in Italien family, where you never show up at someone's house empty handed. My friend probably thinks it's superficial but for me this was installed in childhood. It feels good to show recognition for being invited over and sincerity. But again, this is cultural for me.

I, too, grew up in a family culture like this. And now....it's so confusing, because people we visit seem to not want gifts - to the point where they say don't bring anything and seem like they mean it, but I'm not sure, but if I take something, they seem to not appreciate it? Well, they do, but they don't? I'm too blind to really see what's going on. Also....my family culture was to give gifts freely, no occasion, just because you saw an opportunity to provide something someone else might seem to like or need. But in my surrounding culture now....people seem quite suspicious of this. One person explained to me, "Well, great, now I feel that I owe you something." Totally missing the point of the custom. So.....yeah, in addition to being Aspie in an NT world, doing the whole cross-cultural thing makes it even more confusing to navigate.

But as for buying friendships, to me that is a different idea - and no, I don't, I haven't - never occurred to me.....but maybe others thought that's what I was doing?

 

[TheDrew]

I don't see doing things or giving gifts as buying friends it is just how I communicate. I don't see an issue with it as long as you aren't hurting yourself but doing things you shouldn't or spending money you don't have. You also need to be careful of what you are doing or giving that people don't think it means more than you want it too. I have had girls think that I was interested in dating them because of a gift I gave them but I was just interested in being friends. I have also had issues with being taken advantage of by people that pretended to be my friend so they could get me to do things for them. I am getting good at spotting people like that though so it hasn't been much of an issue lately.

 

[watersprite]

Recently read a line in a book (paraphrasing) which stated there are vatious kinds of prostitution (if that word is permitted here) but as far as buying a friend’s attention or time, or loyalty (?), it almost comes across as an oxymoron. “Do You Try To Make Friends By Buying Them” seems to suggest a sort of hollow desperation. I don’t believe we’re
supposed to thoughtlessly go along with other’s views. Very tired of most of what society approves of at the moment, like some sort of fashion beauty & trend magazine combibed with Sauron.lol
In the past, people have asked for my paintings while simultaneously chiding me for not selling them more frequently.

 

[Flint]

I have one real-life friend who is about 20 years older than me. I buy him presents at the usual times, birthdays and Christmas. That is about it. I guess I also pay for drinks and food when we meet up in cafes and stuff. But he usually pays on another occasion so it goes both ways. He has 'aspergers' though they don't really call it that anymore here in the UK. Which I guess is why it's a friendship I've managed to actually keep. He doesn't seem to expect too much from me response wise as being pretty much a, 'speak only when I really have something to say' type of person and can be 'mute' in my more 'severe' days.

 

[Aspychata]

In Italian culture, it's installed early. I can't change who l am. I have gotten a little bit over the guilt feelings, but l do suffer guilt if the person provided a meal. Lol☺

 

[Danielle Sisco]

I don't actually spend money on making friends. And I no longer try to make friends. I'm settled for taking care of the community at large. For example....

In the first few years of being married into a different family I was already overlooked because of my quietness. I went by a rule I made for myself, "It's better to be seen and look pretty at family gatherings then it is to open up my mouth and invite ridicule and judgment." But, because they should know that I care I look for other ways to physically show them. My my father-in-law died after an 18 month fight with throat cancer I looked for all the areas the family would find hard to do. I cooked, I did not shopping, I babysat the kiddos even though I dislike children, I cleaned, I stayed our of any family decision making, and handled a lot of my wife's work on the side. It was lonely, but at least I thought I was out of the way. I never thought that they would noticed seeing how humans grieve over each other. But a week later after the funeral was finally done I logged on facebook and got several awesome shout outs for how great of an in-law family member I was. They realized after it was all over that it was I who shouldered the daunting every day task for a dozen people and I never once said a comforting word. I realized I never needed to. I'm not a comforter but this I could do. And the bond with my in-laws did in fact grow. They now purposely ask about me. That's a score!

It taught me a vital lesson. Actions do speak louder than words.... when it counts the most. And just because i cannot connect emotionally to others doesn't mean I'm without some kind of connection. My advice to any who wants it....... stop trying for individual friendships and start looking at being a friend to the community at large. It may go unnoticed but sooner or later someone will notice the awesome work. I think we autist are meant to take care of communities and be "The Giver" in that Newbury Children's award novel entitled after that character. Tell you the honest truth, I feel better this way. I know I contribute. My nickname for myself, "the wizard behind the curtain" from The WOZ.

 

[CrazyInTrains]

I've never paid someone to be my friend, that would probably make me cry very, very much. But I've offered me to pay for stamps so we could exchange letters and for tickets when we went swimming etc. so they wouldn't need to say no of economic reasons. But it doesn't really work either. (Also, they didn't take the offers.)

 

[laurie]

As an Aspie, I tend to not connect to people on an emotional level. Instead, I try to show my affection or interest by doing, buying, or making something nice for them. Some examples:

-New neighbors were moving in and I had pizza and soda delivered
-I made art and sent art to several people
-I made the whole neighborhood pumpkin rolls for Christmas
-I volunteered to install a garden
-I helped some neighbors build a website (no charge)
-I bought some girls handmade soap and lotion
-For multiple other people I made dinner, baked cookies, gave away free services (like photography or art)

When I meet someone I automatically go to "maybe I should do XYZ for them to show how much I care!" But over the last couple of years I stopped doing these things because they almost never work. I usually end up being a doormat.

I am just wondering how many other Aspies out there try to "make friends" by doing or buying or making something for someone? Did it work? Have you been used? Do you still try to buy friendship or did you stop?

Just curious!!!

in my ex friendship group (3 girls and me) i defffffinitely used money to 'win' them over and I definitely could not afford to do so! i still to this day don't know if they were taking advantage of me but i think they were. one of them in particular would not bring money if we were getting a bus somewhere and she was sort of my safety person at the time (despite her being a bully to me) so i would buy her a ticket and if she wanted lunch when she was out id get that too (btw she was not broke at all her dad was rich as **** and she was buying electronics every other week)

i was for sure the least liked person in the group and so i guess it was my way of compensating. i know a particular thing where this happened too, we would buy eachother gifts for birthdays as you do and mine was the first one after we became friends and they all bought me very joke-y tacky things that probs cost under £3. by the time their birthdays came around i spend hours of time scrolling to find the perfect gifts for them and they all cost like £30 each. i feel like they were catching on too because i would do this and give them gifts and they would make jokes about me being in love with them when in reality i was just trying to make them happy and fit in it wasn't a good situation but im not friends with them anymore.

 

[paloftoon]

It's certainly more than okay to take the small risk to buy something small like a coffee, and if it doesn't feel reciprocated in some substantial way, then it's time for you to move on more or less or make sure you're always "going dutch" with that person (that means their own way and you pay your own way. To make sure this happens, always initiate with this when you're at the restaurant.)