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Do you try to make friends by "buying" them?

Discussion in 'Friends, Family & Social Skills' started by Amy Stone, Jun 8, 2021.

Do you try and buy friends?

  1. Yes I currently do

    9.1%
  2. I used to, but don't anymore

    36.4%
  3. No I don't and never have

    45.5%
  4. Other (leave comment below)

    9.1%
  1. Amy Stone

    Amy Stone Seeing the World a Bit Differently V.I.P Member

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    As an Aspie, I tend to not connect to people on an emotional level. Instead, I try to show my affection or interest by doing, buying, or making something nice for them. Some examples:

    -New neighbors were moving in and I had pizza and soda delivered
    -I made art and sent art to several people
    -I made the whole neighborhood pumpkin rolls for Christmas
    -I volunteered to install a garden
    -I helped some neighbors build a website (no charge)
    -I bought some girls handmade soap and lotion
    -For multiple other people I made dinner, baked cookies, gave away free services (like photography or art)

    When I meet someone I automatically go to "maybe I should do XYZ for them to show how much I care!" But over the last couple of years I stopped doing these things because they almost never work. I usually end up being a doormat.

    I am just wondering how many other Aspies out there try to "make friends" by doing or buying or making something for someone? Did it work? Have you been used? Do you still try to buy friendship or did you stop?

    Just curious!!!
     
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  2. DavidS

    DavidS Active Member

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    I would make things for people.
    Embroidered braintan bags with beads or quillwork, holsters, just general nicknacks. I made a beautiful pair of beaded moccasins for my girlfriend’s birthday. Right now I’m commissioned to make a complete American Revolution uniform for material price only.

    With the exception of my girlfriend I’d always feel a gulf of disconnect regardless. I obviously still do it though.
     
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  3. Amy Stone

    Amy Stone Seeing the World a Bit Differently V.I.P Member

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    Wow! I would be ecstatic if someone gifted me with any of those. I hope all the recipients appreciate/d them!
     
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  4. Judge

    Judge Well-Known Member

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    Never gave it a thought. Probably because I figure that when the money runs out, so would the friendship.

    Though I admit, I had a few so-called "friends" in my childhood who would have fit such a description.
     
    Last edited: Jun 9, 2021
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  5. Misery

    Misery Photo-Negative V.I.P Member

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    Sounds like effort. Too much effort.

    I'm more the type to just, I dunno, throw a fish or something and say "go away". It reaches that end goal so much faster.
     
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  6. Aspychata

    Aspychata Serenity waves, beachy vibes

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    Kinda of not clear where the line is on this. Grew up in Italien family, where you never show up at someone's house empty handed. My friend probably thinks it's superficial but for me this was installed in childhood. It feels good to show recognition for being invited over and sincerity. But again, this is cultural for me.
     
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  7. ForestGumpett

    ForestGumpett Active Member

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    I honestly do not know how a person would buy a friend? Should I be embarrassed? Seriously, what has to be done to get a friend this way?

    I’ve never had much money, until now. There are about 3 friends I’ve had over 30 years and we don’t buy each other things other than we have had each other over for dinner.

    Am very impressed at the level of energy, Wow! Wish I felt like doing all those things, what a blessing!
     
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  8. Judge

    Judge Well-Known Member

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    LOL. Glad you posted that. I was thinking pretty much the same though. That the very thought of this (for better or worse) would have never occurred to me. I guess I never thought of relationships as investments. Maybe I should have. :confused:

    Yeah, I never had very many friends as a child or as an adult.
     
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  9. Wolfsage

    Wolfsage In training to be Wolf King.

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    Well. I'm on the opposite approach. Get to know said person. Understand their likes and dislikes. Gauge their reaction to gifts. Then decide accordingly.
     
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  10. Amy Stone

    Amy Stone Seeing the World a Bit Differently V.I.P Member

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    Well...it never worked for me o_O
     
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  11. unperson

    unperson Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    If you're generous to people they think you're stupid. I stopped being generous, it's not reciprocated.
     
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  12. ForestGumpett

    ForestGumpett Active Member

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    Why be generous though if your expecting it to be reciprocated? Why not just be generous and not tell someone just let them go on with life thinking that something good happened to them? Thinking out loud, it’s something we have started doing and it’s fun. Just do something nice for someone, it can be something small and then don’t tell them. Some people call this karma, we call it blessing someone.
     
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  13. Amy Stone

    Amy Stone Seeing the World a Bit Differently V.I.P Member

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    I love the sentiment. Like buying a coffee for the next guy in line.
     
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  14. VictorR

    VictorR Random Member V.I.P Member

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    I've come to an understanding with my friends that the most valuable gift you can give is your time, especially to listen to and be with them when they need it, just as they will be there for you.
     
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  15. Progster

    Progster Gone sideways to the sun V.I.P Member

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    I lent some money to a friend who was in need, but then she kept on asking for more. To be fair, she did pay some of it back, but then moved away while she still owed a lot and didn't contact me again. So that was the end of that 'friendship.'
     
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  16. Stella lange

    Stella lange New Member

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    Yes, exactly this, that you never visit anyone without bringing something, food, a contribution to the table, or flowers, lower middle class in New Zealand this was part of being well brought up, even if it is just a packet of biscuits or nice fruit. Beyond that if I like someone, I will do something nice for them, knit something, make something, go out of my way - i never saw it as buying friends, but do know others find it ‘too much’ so i am careful about how and when I do this.
     
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  17. hatfullofrain

    hatfullofrain Well-Known Member

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    I absolutely hate when people do that to me. It feels creepy. I feel like they are holding something over me and will expect something back from me. Like I now owe them because they bought me something.

    With close friends and family I have no problems with gifts, but if it's someone I don't know well, it's a huge red flag.
     
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  18. hatfullofrain

    hatfullofrain Well-Known Member

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    We do that in the UK too. If someone invites you dinner you bring a bottle of wine. That isn't what the OP is talking about. You and I bring a polite gift. The OP is trying to get people to like them by giving them things in an out of context kind of way.
     
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  19. Thinx

    Thinx Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I think the gift thing may be a bit of a red herring, in that, our failure to establish and maintain friendships is due to difference in our communication at a neurological level. We do not do the expected things. We do not even know what they are, really.

    Sometimes we have a try with something. Gift giving. Saying hello. Oops they moved in 6 months ago and wonder why I ve suddenly said hello. Yet to me, 6 months doesn’t seem long to get around to greeting them. I might even send a welcome to Yr new home card at that stage. But oh, turns out they were just renting and now they've found a better place and are moving out. Byeeee. Life's too short perhaps for my pace of social communication.
     
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  20. Thinx

    Thinx Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    But why, or where does this thinking come from in your history? A huge red flag that means...? What are the examples of what happens next?
     
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