Do You Hold Grudges?

[Loomis]

I used to hold grudes but I stopped. Someone pointed out to me that when you hold a grudge you let that person in your head where they make you miserable again. He was right. Best to forget. I know, however, there are experiences some of you have had that were so traumatic they can never be forgotton. I am not talking about these, just about the average generic hurtful events.

 

[Explosition_Rooster]

Yeah I hold a bit of a grudge sometimes, though most of the time I let it slide off of me like water off of a ducks back since my memory is such utter crap nearly all the time. I can't really say what it is that drives me to hold a grudge against someone, but correcting me in a certain way just rubs me the wrong way and makes me hold a grudge against either a person.

 

[manca]

It's nice to see I'm not the only one

 

[MoCoffee]

I didn't think I held grudges until my recent stay in the hospital to treat my anorexia. In the 4 1/2 months I was there, we did a lot of talking in our groups and I realized I was still very angry about the physical and emotional abuse from my childhood and marriage. I decided it was time to forgive my abusers, and I wrote a letter to each one telling them that what they did was wrong, but that I forgave them for my own sake. These letters were never meant to be sent, but as I wrote them and read them aloud to my group, I realized I wasn't angry anymore. I felt free!

I still have these letters and whenever I feel the the grudge coming back I read them. This reminds me that my anger was hurting me, not the people who hurt me. This may not work for everyone, but it might be worth a try

 

[DTFrontMan]

I was actually thinking of starting a thread similar to this so it was good to see it popup. I've had some very bad experiences with romantic relationships through my life, I don't think that there's ever been a time where I wasn't eventually cheated on by the person I was with. Most recently I was in a long distance relationship for 4-5 years and was at the point where I was regularly traveling across the states to see her, seriously considering moving out there and proposing. Not long after her first visit here she started getting suspiciously close to a friend of hers while adamantly denying it was anything more, I was guilt tripped whenever I had my suspicions. Eventually we broke up because she wanted time to explore while I remained a friend hoping she would come back. Not long after that my dad passed away and I needed to rely on her for support as she was my best and nearly only friend at the time, while crying on her shoulder I noticed her getting closer to this friend with her still denying things were happening because she was meant to be exploring rather than settling down. Soon after that I found out on Facebook that she was pregnant and came to find that she'd cheated on me with this friend for at least the months before we broke up, he was in the process of moving in with her while she kept things secret telling me things like "if we get back together maybe at some point we can have a child named after your father".

Much of the issue I still have come from the timing which I can't really blame her for, I actually ended up forgiving her for all of this and continued trying to be friends actually giving her relationship advice at some points. When her pregnancy failed I sent her flowers because I genuinely felt bad. As time went on I started to realize what a horrible situation I was in, feeling guilty for adding to conflict between her and this guy that stole her from me. I'd realized that I wasn't properly grieving for my father because I was so busy grieving over my failed relationship, it became hard for me to know what I was shedding tears for. All of the sympathy I'd been giving her made her assume that I was trying to win her back, my attempts to maintain friendship were seen as backhanded and my needs for help or expressions of sadness were seen as guilt trips.

I ended up developing a grudge out of anger for how poorly I felt she was handling the situation, realizing that there were substantially better ways for what she needed to do to be done. It's been nearly two years now and it's still often the last thing I think about going to sleep, and sometimes the first thing I remember waking up. The main reason I feel I need legitimate therapy is to move forward from the issue, I've developed a lot of problems with trust as a result of this after it'd built up in my relationships before hand. I've actually been cheated on since then as well which didn't help the situation, though honestly that case isn't something that ever comes to mind. I'm still stuck on what happened two years ago and tend to forget my most recent problems, even though I can tell it greatly added to my disappointment in people knowing such things are that much more common.

 

[Christy]

I do exactly the same thing... if I saw one of my bullies from middle school right now I wouldn't hesitate to jump on them and start beating the pulp out of them.

I was actually confronted with this situation a few years ago. I ended up in a lift with a women who looked vaguely familiar. She asked me if I was me, and then introduced herself. I was stunned as she went on to tell me how sorry she was, that she regrets every day how she treated people back then. I had come to terms with it a long time earlier, so really I didn't care. But I figured if I told her I forgived her then she might find some closure in her life, so I did. We chatted for a little while longer as she told me how she "re-invents" herself every couple of years. The impression I got was that she is a very lonely and troubled woman who is running from a past which probably includes more than the abuse she dished out to other people, but possibly abuse received herself. I actually felt sorry for her.

 

[Saxifraga]

The only real grudge I had is a moot point by now as they have passed away and I let that anger be buried in the ground with him. I wont bring myself to say im glad they are dead however I will freely admit in the 16 years he's been gone I dont miss my father one single bit.

Other people? school bullies, lying/cheating lovers, the axxhole that tried to out me, nah. I simply dont care. I remember the hurt and the pain caused me but anger does no good and becomes a poison to the soul that gives them power to keep hurting me. Forgiveness is between them and whatever god they choose to believe in, not my job.

 

[Ehmagerd]

No, I'm a very forgiving person. I love everyone.

loljk

 

[ThatSkyWing]

Oh yes, I hold grudges, mainly against people who treated me like crap at school, on my bad days I think about those grudges I hold. I know I should just let it go but I can't, I'm not a very forgiving person.

 

[Suzanne]

I just saw this and had to press because a BIG YES I do hold grudges, but to be honest, I do not see them as grudges, because to my mind, grudges give the idea that the aggressor is not responsible; just like the word: forgiveness, which I truly despise.

I too have found out later in life that I am an aspie, and sadly, some who do believe me, are taking advantage of this fact ie treating me as if I am stupid, because I cannot hear the sarcasm or get the joke ie rolled eyes etc, which makes me want to scream and then, when I prove I am not stupid, get told I am too arrogant!

My husband says my long memory is a curse as well as a blessing, because I remember how nasty people were and I add: no apologies given otherwise I would not hold a grudge but when I relate I feel the pain again!

Oh the amount of times someone has been rushed to hospital in my mind's eye!

 

[Slithytoves]

I used to hold grudges, but I eventually decided that for me, holding onto anything negative only rots me from the inside out. Grudges end up doing me much more harm than they do to the people they're about, who go on with their lives without a second thought.

The older I get, the more I realize the importance of letting things go. Family arguments, slights by friends, rumors that come back to me; holding onto that stuff takes up a lot of headspace and energy. It just doesn't matter that much in the big picture. My attitude has been justified by the response I get from the people around me. Because I don't hold a grudge or carry a chip on my shoulder, people know to take me seriously when I'm upset about something. You would think that's paradoxical, that people would blow me off because they know there will be no lasting consequences, but what it actually does is show people that I use anger judiciously. If I am angry with someone about something, they know it's meaningful and not just Jennifer carrying on with her feelings hurt again. Not to mention that a person's grudges become very boring to others, very quickly. Again, the damage is all to the grudge-holder.

 

[On the Inside]

I guess I'm in the minority here. I don't seem to be able to hold grudges. But then, I don't feel like anyone has done anything that bad to me. Others have said, though, that I am a bit of a door mat, that people have taken advantage of what I thought was generosity, open mindedness, and a "live and let live" attitude. I don't know what to think about that.

My ex wife made a right mess out of things, I was forgiving. But she continued to try to draw me in to her dramas, and for some time I still considered her a friend. But now I'm through, it seems I'm going to hold a grudge.

 

[pax]

I hold onto grudges, if that's what you want to call them. They used to make me really angry, but I think that was because a) I'm selectively mute, and generally not an outspoken person, so it's hard to express when I'm angry b)I grew up in a religous dysfunctional family where you had to forgive all tresspasses, no matter how bad, or you were SO many times worse than the trespasser. Now I'm more likely to call out someone's bad behaviour, and #%^& them if they don't like being called out. I'm no where near where I want to be with that, but I'm getting better. And sometimes you just have to walk away and get on with your life.

 

[Harrison]

Had to think about this one as I believe I don't hold on to grudges. However, whilst I will forgive I also never forget, and I guess that could be construed as me holding a grudge. Tricky.

 

[Tom]

No. I fall on the 'can't hold a grudge side'.

 

[Spiller]

My ex wife made a right mess out of things, I was forgiving. But she continued to try to draw me in to her dramas, and for some time I still considered her a friend. But now I'm through, it seems I'm going to hold a grudge.

Sounds like we might have been married to the same woman
Maybe, instead of holding onto it forever, when you get past the pain, you'll just realise that this is a person around whom you need to be ultra-cautious..

I can be hurt by someone, though I can't hold a grudge as I know that, once I've let the pain go, I'll realise that that person is only reacting blindly, unconsciously, to the world around them and I don't need to participate in their personal drama.
I see these encounters as a personal lesson, a reminder to stay conscious, to be aware of how my thoughts and feelings and therefore my actions might affect others.

There's a parable I like:

Two monks are walking along a muddy road and they see a woman in her best clothes, trying to cross without getting dirty. The Elder monk picks the woman up, carries her across and deposits her on the other side, then they carry on walking.
Hours later the younger monk turns to the Elder and says,
"Master, why did you carry that woman across the road? We monks aren't supposed to do things like that."
The Elder monk says,
"I put the girl down hours ago, are you still carrying her?"

 

[Harrison]

Two monks are walking along a muddy road and they see a woman in her best clothes, trying to cross without getting dirty. The Elder monk picks the woman up, carries her across and deposits her on the other side, then they carry on walking.
Hours later the younger monk turns to the Elder and says,
"Master, why did you carry that woman across the road? We monks aren't supposed to do things like that."
The Elder monk says,
"I put the girl down hours ago, are you still carrying her?"

I love that story, one of my favourites

 

[On the Inside]

Sounds like we might have been married to the same woman
Maybe, instead of holding onto it forever, when you get past the pain, you'll just realise that this is a person around whom you need to be ultra-cautious..

I can be hurt by someone, though I can't hold a grudge as I know that, once I've let the pain go, I'll realise that that person is only reacting blindly, unconsciously, to the world around them and I don't need to participate in their personal drama.
I see these encounters as a personal lesson, a reminder to stay conscious, to be aware of how my thoughts and feelings and therefore my actions might affect others.

I've liked that monk story for years, and it is something I've tried to put into practice. It has worked for the bad stuff, maybe too well, thus the forgiving only to be dragged into something later.

I've learned that I need to be ultra-cautious with some people, and that some people I just needed to have nothing to do with.

What has been hard for me is letting go of the good things from old relationships, to be able to put them in a "past perspective". To live in the present, enjoy the present moments, and maybe, once in a while reflect on the past, nothing more. My visual memory can be so strong, that it is hard to keep it from replaying, it's like listening to an old favorite song, recalling the times and places associated with it and feeling it, rewind and play again. It has been identified as one of my character traits that I need to work on in therapy.

 

[Spiller]

What has been hard for me is letting go of the good things from old relationships, to be able to put them in a "past perspective". To live in the present, enjoy the present moments, and maybe, once in a while reflect on the past, nothing more. My visual memory can be so strong, that it is hard to keep it from replaying, it's like listening to an old favorite song, recalling the times and places associated with it and feeling it, rewind and play again. It has been identified as one of my character traits that I need to work on in therapy.

I fall easily into the same mental 'tape loop' if I'm not careful, it's something I've recognised in myself for several years and have had to learn to be careful to look out for. Problem is that, where a little reminiscence is fine, the habit of spiraling into reliving those memories over and over is a trap whereby we suffer again, physically/emotionally/spiritually, just as we did then.. and that's very unhealthy!
I suspect this may be common for AS/ASD's, given vivid visual memory and it's certainly common with depressives.

 

[IrishAspie]

and to flip this on it's head, what about all the people who hold grudges against you for your behavior? Do you accept that they should never forgive you?