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Do You Hold Grudges?

buckyboy14

Geo-Aspie
Are you a person who holds grudges? I certainly am. I wasn't diagnosed with Asperger's until fairly late, and I have had teachers make my life a living hell. It would take far too long to describe them all, but many of them have made me cry. I'll give one example: Just last year, I had a Global Studies teacher who was one of the most sarcastic people whom I have ever met. I've always had a problem with correcting teachers, but have gotten better at it. This teacher said that she liked being corrected, but I was skeptical. So I kept asking her, and she kept saying yes, she liked being corrected. I eventually started crying (in front of the whole class) because I didn't know if she was being sarcastic or not, but I finally believed her. Later, I corrected her...and she got mad. Some kids later told me that she was being sarcastic.

Back to the point: I have never forgiven these teachers for treating me like this, especially the teachers who already knew I had Asperger's, such the one mentioned above. I hold grudges against these people, even though I'm told I shouldn't. Do you also hold grudges against those who've treated you like that, or are you better at just letting this stuff slide?
 

King_Oni

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
Oh... I hold grudges... for a long time. Chances are people will get hurt if I ever see them again. So it's in both my as well as the other persons interest to not cross paths.

However... for me to hold a grudge there has to happen a lot. Its not that I hold a grudge cause someone spilled my beer or so.

A few grudges I do hold are towards an ex-girlfriend and towards a girl I slept with once (and subsequently tried to frame me for deaththreats to her, though I got angry with her cause of her own fault... at least, that's what I'm convinced of, lol). Then there's one towards a old friend of mine, who actually told me, that I have permission to punch him in the face if he ever acts like he did back then.

So mostly I feel I hold grudges over people who know they've been wrong somehow (and as such treated me bad), and just acted for the sake of being wrong because it's presumably easier than just being upfront honest, and at some point I figured out how much they dropped the ball actually.

As for teachers... none come to mind at the moment, but then again I skipped school a lot.
 

FishyEnthusiest

Well-Known Member
I do tend to hold grudges. I never forget when someone has done something to hurt me, even if they think an apology is going to help I never trust them again.
 

Bay

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
It can take me a very long time to get past a perceived wrong, sometimes decades. I don't seem to have any control over when I get over something. There have been family members that I have simply walked away from, forever, because of the way they have treated me. I don't think that you have to forgive anyone before you are ready, as long as it doesn't eat you up inside.
 

Arashi222

Cuddling Vampires
V.I.P Member
I think it might be an aspie thing. I hold grudges for a long long time. There are people that I have never forgiven for the things they have done to me or to people I care about. I am still working on forgiving my ex-friends for the **** they have done to me for not even having the decency to respond back to the letter I wrote explaining and practically begging to be friends again ( do regret that part.) But I have yet to be able to forgive the man who killed my really good friend Tiffy. People keep saying forgive him he's dead too but I am like you know what you can't tell me when to stop being upset or angry or how to feel. I think that's one thing that I defiantly hold against people. Anyone who tells me how to feel or when to feel. So I guess yes I do hold grudges and I hold onto them until I feel like sufficient pence had been paid. But like FishyEnuthist said I never trust them again.
 

Christian T

Well-Known Member
Wow, this is the perfect thread for me. I feel like I'm the king of grudges. In terms of people's actions towards me, all negativity just seems to surround me like bees around a flower. What really infuriates me is when people barely acknowledge how they've wronged me and try to laugh it off - something my mum unfortunately does all the time. Once, much more recently than I care to admit, I couldn't stand the way she was so relaxed about having eaten my entire packet of chocolates while I was on camp - she couldn't say one word about it without laughing - so I tipped a full glass of milk over her head.

I've done similarly unexpected violent things ever since I was small, out of frustration because no one was taking me seriously.

However, I think the specific examples of victimization that buckyboy14, King_Oni and Arashi222 certainly warrant long-term grudges.

And, King_Oni, once again I completely relate to you on another school matter. I've had some of those really annoying teachers who always say "why can't you just [whatever the action might be] like everybody else". "Because I'm not a transformer that can shape-shift into a neurotypical at your convenience" I always felt like saying.

But the worst one was in primary school. While our class was walking across to another room, I was talking with my only friend and he was being extremely raucous. She stopped our class and asked who was making such a racket, and he owned up but I remained quiet. It turned out that she'd already had a dead set idea of who was responsible, and was just doing one of those "honesty" tests. She then wasted half our class time on an unfeeling, self-righteous lecture about honesty - obsessed with attacking my 10-year-old self as soon as possible.

Thanks for reading, sorry if that was way too long!
 

Kelly

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
I have always held grudges and depending on who it is and what they've done I may let it slide but 90% of the time I never get over it, even if this causes problems.

Example my dad's girlfriend who he cheated on my mum with and left her for was initially nice to me, then she became crazy started sending stuff to our house(pizzas, the police, fire engines etc) and randomly calling my mum up and calling her names...that I let slide because I was a kid and didn't understand full what was happening and when I went out with her and my dad she was okay. Then she called up one evening and I answered and she said some pretty awful things to me and from then on I refused to speak to her or see her and 20 years later that hasn't changed. My dad has asked me nicely to forgive and forget but no way will I ever forgive her for the things she said to me I don't care if it was 2 decades ago, only a nasty person would say those sorts of things to a child.

Then more recent examples are the local playgroup and how they treated me, all the committee members were nice to me and all smiles and offered me lifts to the meetings whilst I was making the website, posters, taking photos at events and organising stuff, then when I couldn't handle it anymore and stopped going they completely ignored me....so I avoid them as best I can.

The most recent is my mum's boyfriend, I do not like him at all, it's kind of irrational because he hasn't actually done anything to my mum or anyone but he is just so dodgy. My mum met him at a pub, 2 weeks later he moved in but here is the weird part, he had no possessions, it's like he just appeared out of thin air. I know nothing about him and he's been with her for 6 years now, all I know is his name and that he's from northern ireland. Anyway the thing that really irks me is that he drinks...alot, whenever we go to visit he is drunk by 7pm and gets really loud and irritating when he's drunk, talks through movies, has really irritating sayings and gah I hate him. The thing that I hold the grudge over is that we do not celebrate christmas and every damn year when we go up around that time he gets drunk and has a go at us making out like we are being cruel for not letting our daughter celebrate christmas. She doesn't miss out whatsoever, if she wants to decorate her room she can, she joins in the school nativity play, she goes to see santa(if she wants to some years she gets all "I hate religion and lies and santas not real" etc and has nothing to do with any of it) and gets presents off everyone else, just not us.

But every year he gives us the same old tired speech about her missing out and it's not fair and we are bad parents, I told my mum christmas just gone I'd had enough and if he does it again then I'll be punching him in the face myself instead of running off upstairs with my husband before he loses it and hits him.

Oh my mum didn't send my daughter a birthday card/ present or even call her on her birthday one year...didn't speak to her for about 2 months after that. Not intentionally but I made a point of not calling her to see how long she'd leave it before calling me and whether she'd apologise or just act as if nothing happened (she acted as if nothing happened), my dad got involved there were letters exchanged and yeah...things were rocky between us for a good year after that.

My brother I won't forgive for the way he treated me from... well when I was born (I have a tiny burn mark on the side of my face from the fireguard thanks to him and a tiny scar where he stabbed my face with a pencil) right up until I moved out age 20. Not just the occasional physical stuff like hitting me but the constant name calling, ridicule, lying about me etc that went on all through my childhood and adolescence.
 

Csutelan

Well-Known Member
I hold grudges against anyone that has ever hurt me, cheated me, made fun of me or crossed me in some mean spirited way. I am now in my mid forties but I remember every wrong going back to elementary school. Sometimes I even save reminders of the event. I know it is unhealthy but I can't seem to forgive or forget these things. I wish that I could stop reliving these moments over and over again but my memory is excellent in these areas.
 

Christian T

Well-Known Member
Ugh, I know exactly how you feel. Do you have an artistic craft that you could use to convey one of these incidents? I usually feel better after writing a story about them, or even if I don't reach a cliched catharsis I at least put these irritating memories to good use.
 

Selcouth

Well-Known Member
I hold grudges against anyone that has ever hurt me, cheated me, made fun of me or crossed me in some mean spirited way. I am now in my mid forties but I remember every wrong going back to elementary school. Sometimes I even save reminders of the event. I know it is unhealthy but I can't seem to forgive or forget these things. I wish that I could stop reliving these moments over and over again but my memory is excellent in these areas.

I do exactly the same thing... if I saw one of my bullies from middle school right now I wouldn't hesitate to jump on them and start beating the pulp out of them. The worst part of being aware of this, though, is that I know they probably won't remember me, and yet they're indelibly burned in my memory. Even minor wrongs that I know I shouldn't take badly, but somehow interpret as insulting, are stuck in my memory as if they're dinosaurs preserved in tar.

I do write short stories, but I find it very difficult to express emotions, especially my own, adequately in writing. I usually stick to sci-fi and mild fantasy (Bradbury-style) for that reason, because emotions never come out right.
 

Christian T

Well-Known Member
The worst part of being aware of this, though, is that I know they probably won't remember me, and yet they're indelibly burned in my memory.

I often get sudden urges to settle an old score, having finally thought of the perfect strategy, but the opportunity is long gone.

I do write short stories, but I find it very difficult to express emotions, especially my own, adequately in writing. I usually stick to sci-fi and mild fantasy (Bradbury-style) for that reason, because emotions never come out right.

When I was at primary school used to write action-packed fantasy with fairly thin characters, but lots of crazily imaginative plot points. When I started high school, I started writing more personal stories, mostly about suppressed rage, but never abandoned fantasy.

Could I read one of your stories?
 

consultingrodent

Well-Known Member
i hold grudges like it's an olympic sport. my mom constantly tells me to just let it go, but i can't! it's hard to just forget the way somebody wronged you.

a few examples of the grudges i hold are:

my grandma spoils my cousins rotten and leaves me out all the time. one time her and my grandpa were up visiting and we went to walmart, where she bought something for each of my cousins and i asked of i could have a notebook and she told me no, that i was spoiled enough, which i was not. the day basically ended up with me holing up in my room, crying. her and my grandpa have also spent my entire life comparing me to my NT cousins, and i've never been able to forgive them for it.

i used to go down to visit my grandparents when i was younger too, and my one cousin who's about 5 years younger than me went through a really violent and destructive phase that his mom encouraged because he was her precious little baby. he was never told no and was given everything he asked for. his favorite thing was getting into the knife drawer and one day, he found a pair of my grandma's huge metal scissors and was chasing me and his sisters around. his sisters made it behind my grandma, but i got stuck behind a door and he lunged at me with the scissors and cut a giant hole in my shirt before my grandma stopped him. it's been at least 15 years now since that happened and i can't even be around him. he makes me anxious though he's now grown up to be a really reserved and nice person. i can't just erased how he almost gutted me behind a door.

and the last one also involves a cousin as well (i'm an only child so my cousins were really the only kids i socialized with). my uncle, aunt, and cousins came up for a visit one year and i had this barbie doll called ballerina barbie. the box said not to remove her costume because you would never get it back on the same way. i never actually played pretend with any of my barbies and accessories, i mostly just organized them and kept track of them. but my cousin shona comes along and i tell her DO NOT REMOVE THE COSTUME and what does she do? she removes it and i could never get it back on. i've never forgiven her for doing that either and any time i see her, i'm reminded of it.

and the last example is with my dad. my parents divorced when i was 9 and i was fine with it, got over it quickly, etc. he's been in and out of my life since then and we even went almost 6 years without speaking until i made the effort. we got close again, i visited him in texas, we talked a lot through facebook/emails. last mayish, i learned my favorite band would be playing the honda civic tour, so he and i made plans to see them. then a month before the show, he bails out because his other new family needed him. i haven't spoken to him since september. :/

i'm sure there's more grudges i have, but those are the big ones.
 

Christian T

Well-Known Member
I really do feel empathetic towards you.

her and my grandpa have also spent my entire life comparing me to my NT cousins, and i've never been able to forgive them for it

Grrr, I can't stand those comparisons. "Penguin, why can't you fly like your cousin the eagle?/ Eagle, why can't you swim like your cousin the penguin?" it's so stupid! However, you probably do have to remember that your grandparents were raised before the awareness of all of these newly discovered mental disorders, and may take to it as we might if there was a new condition discovered for laziness and we all had to avoid discriminating against those people. I'm not saying it's forgivable, but it is understandable.
I still remember my grandparents mimicking my Tourette's facial tics, as though trying to knock them out of me with ridicule, and feel just as much rage as you when I recall this, despite my understanding of their different generation.

my one cousin who's about 5 years younger than me went through a really violent and destructive phase that his mom encouraged because he was her precious little baby. he was never told no and was given everything he asked for.

I have a younger cousin who was the same. He's much better now, but I remember he used to trash the games that I and the rest of the older cousins were playing. On one ridiculous occasion, he was chasing his brother with a stick, and their mum told the older brother "stop running! you'll just encourage him!" so he eventually did, and he got seriously injured, and all their mum did was show the younger cousin the injury and say "look what you did".

the box said not to remove her costume because you would never get it back on the same way... my cousin shona comes along and i tell her DO NOT REMOVE THE COSTUME and what does she do? she removes it and i could never get it back on

I hate to be a pain, but isn't that a bit of a Pandora's box scenario. Might it have been better not to bring it up at all, or hide it in a high place where she couldn't reach it? I still feel your pain, though, I hate it when my belongings are thoughtlessly ruined.

and the last example is with my dad. my parents divorced when i was 9 and i was fine with it, got over it quickly, etc. he's been in and out of my life since then and we even went almost 6 years without speaking until i made the effort. we got close again, i visited him in texas, we talked a lot through facebook/emails. last mayish, i learned my favorite band would be playing the honda civic tour, so he and i made plans to see them. then a month before the show, he bails out because his other new family needed him. i haven't spoken to him since september.

I know that must be infuriating, but did you ever find out why his other family needed him? It may have been something important, or just something trivial and avoidable. Also, a month's notice does seem quite reasonable to me, but I don't mean to belittle your frustration.
 

consultingrodent

Well-Known Member
christian, i'm just going to number this list so as not to make it a mile long haha!

1. i understand full well that my grandparents grew up in a different time, but they are very stuck in their own ways and aren't open to anything unfamiliar, so being the odd one out in my family always encouraged the 'well so and so did this great thing and bla bla bla did this amazing thing, why can't do you do those things?' conversations, which just made it harder for me to actually attempt to do anything similar. most of the time they didn't do it to purposefully hurt my feelings, but i've lost count of how many times i've broken down in near panic because i never could see myself being like my cousins the way they seemed to favor.

2. my aunt was the exact same way. she either never punished my cousin, or she would put the blame on others because we were older. i'm sorry, dearest aunt of mine, but being older isn't going to stop a pair of scissors to the liver! he was very rude and went around taunting me about my weight and was very inappropriate with touch, which never helped matters.

3. in hindsight, i probably could have not said anything, but it was something of mine and i was always very strict with rules regarding my things, and i mean, if somebody was like 'hey don't do that to my toy' i probably wouldn't. she was definitely old enough to understand, considering she was about 13 at the time. i'm just so particular about my things it drove me up the wall.

4. the story about my dad is a very long and complicated one. but to shorten it up a bit, he left my mother and i to go to texas to be with his old highschool sweetheart~, ended up marrying her spur of the moment and raising her kids. since then, he has always put my stepmom's daughters first with everything. he never visited me or made any effort to talk to me. i realize now that i was the one putting in all the effort into our relationship when i got back in touch with him after those 6 years. only i find out that he hasn't changed a bit. a month before hand is definitely not an unreasonable amount of time to change plans i agree with you there, but when said plans have been made for the better part of 6 months, flights had been booked, hotels booked, everything planned, that's kind of rude, especially when there was no emergency he just felt like up and moving to a different state. and not only did he do that, but he tried to convince my mom that i was lying to her because i had mentioned trying out the college thing, but i ended up not doing so at the time because i wasn't ready for it. he then cut off my phone, but decided to continue paying for my stepsisters' phones. he basically chose his new family over me. i left a lot of things out in my other post for the sake of not writing a novel, but i think i better explained my position in this post and why i'm frustrated and hurt.

and by the way, i definitely welcome conversation, so no hard feelings at all over your comments! you were very polite and to the point!
 

Christian T

Well-Known Member
consultingrodent, I'm really sorry to hear all of that about your dad, it's just tragic when someone hops off one relationship to jump onto another, and it's heartless as well. I hope the damage isn't irreparable.

And, 13 years old, right! For some reason I was picturing 4-6, so you were right to expect more from her.

And please don't think I'm telling you to excuse your grandparents because of their age, I just meant that I can see why they might be mistreating you like that. You still have the right to your individual identity, and to be judged on your own terms and not as some competitor.

Finally, thanks for that last bit of reassurance.
 

Selcouth

Well-Known Member
Actually, a relevant scenario for this thread came up recently. In eighth grade my group of friends and I (but mostly I) were quite irritatingly bullied consistently by a group of seventh graders. This highly exacerbated my Aspie traits, which only perpetuated the cycle. Recently, before graduation, the speech and debate team of my school (of which I am a member) went to a restaurant to have a celebration. There were some kids there from the baseball team of a neighboring high school, and, what do you know, two of those kids were some of the bullies of eighth grade. I wasn't really aware of it, but I was glaring at them the entire time, and my mood was entirely ruined during the dinner because I was subdued, gritting my teeth, and wondering if they recognized me. Eventually, acting like the teenagers they were, some of the baseball kids started flirting with some debate kids, and I got drawn into the conversation - during which the bully says "Um, do I know you? You look familiar." Right then, I was about to explode - he was the bane of my existence for a year and he doesn't even remember me?! - but eventually I get out "No, no, I don't think so, sorry" and back away.

Now, I don't know whether that was crazy - I've graduated high school, and eighth grade was five years ago - but I remember the faces, names, and vital information of all my bullies like my own name. (I'm quite glad the worst bully wasn't there, or I might have yelled.) And I'm quite prepared to begin shutting down again if I encounter them. But clearly, they don't recall me, and hold no grudges. Is this a common experience for you guys?
 

consultingrodent

Well-Known Member
consultingrodent, I'm really sorry to hear all of that about your dad, it's just tragic when someone hops off one relationship to jump onto another, and it's heartless as well. I hope the damage isn't irreparable.

And, 13 years old, right! For some reason I was picturing 4-6, so you were right to expect more from her.

And please don't think I'm telling you to excuse your grandparents because of their age, I just meant that I can see why they might be mistreating you like that. You still have the right to your individual identity, and to be judged on your own terms and not as some competitor.

Finally, thanks for that last bit of reassurance.

i think the damage my dad has done is permanent, because this came to a head back in september and he hasn't once tried to speak to me since calling it all off. but i don't think it's irreparable. i have a hard enough time trusting in people, so he didn't help that, but i don't want to let what he's done drag me down. if that's how he wants to be, more power to him. not sure i'll forgive though, that's the hard part.

i know right? 13 is definitely old enough to know how not to be rude. i just remember sitting there in stoney silence looking at her in absolute horror because i didn't know how to express the anger and sadness i felt.

but don't worry! i understood what you meant about them growing up in different times. i wish they would have seen me for me instead of not-as-good-as-my-cousins-me. but alas!
 

Christian T

Well-Known Member
i think the damage my dad has done is permanent, because this came to a head back in september and he hasn't once tried to speak to me since calling it all off. but i don't think it's irreparable. i have a hard enough time trusting in people, so he didn't help that, but i don't want to let what he's done drag me down. if that's how he wants to be, more power to him. not sure i'll forgive though, that's the hard part.

i know right? 13 is definitely old enough to know how not to be rude. i just remember sitting there in stoney silence looking at her in absolute horror because i didn't know how to express the anger and sadness i felt.

but don't worry! i understood what you meant about them growing up in different times. i wish they would have seen me for me instead of not-as-good-as-my-cousins-me. but alas!

It sounds like you've definitely lost the opportunity to have a good relationship with your grandparents, but I don't think you should let your dad slip away just yet. Maybe try once more to make contact and build on something, even if it was just a pen-friendship and not something that he could hurt you with. I hope you won't let this prevent you from having confidence in other people, though.

Also, about Shona, I know exactly what you mean about being dumbfounded and paralysed by your frustrations. Even with occupational therapy that focused closely on assertiveness, I can still often only manage extreme aggression or passivity, but nothing in between.
 

Christian T

Well-Known Member
Selcouth, a few years ago I had a series of coincidental encounters with the tormentors who drove me out of my old school, but thankfully, after some initial anxiety, I could see that they'd matured immensely and we could quite easily have a civil nostalgic conversation. It might have been worth introducing yourself to the bullies to see whether they'd matured as well, and even if they hadn't, I think you would have been quite safe with the debaters and public speakers - they would have supported you and maybe even parried off the insults with their oratory skills!

Nevertheless, I can understand why you reacted the way you did, and they may well have not changed at all.
 

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