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Do You Hold Grudges?

Nisk

The Spoiler King
In my experience, most people that do wrong to you in some fashion aren't really worth the energy of forgiveness, because in all likelihood, they'd do it again in a heartbeat and without a second thought.
A few years ago, I was talking with a group of people that I called 'friends' about a number of topics, and after a few incidents where they felt the need to argue pointlessly with me about an opinion that I have/had about their claims (which will remain unsaid), they proceeded to conspire against me, compare me to a nazi, satan, and a few others, and ultimately got an entire group (then, larger than it was) to leave me behind with an empty forum. That was all over an opinion.
Needless to say, I have never forgiven, nor will I ever forgive, them. Forgiveness does nothing to help me move on, and the more I hold onto something, the fresher it is in my mind. I never forget such an act, and I see no reason to waste energy trying to forget, seeing as how that would reopen me to the possibility of it happening again.

To me a resentment is the internal dialogue in my head reliving something that I felt wronged me in someway. You could hold onto a resentment for 50 years and the other person/people would never have a clue, by the end the resentment only ended up effecting you. Letting go of the resentment by accepting my part and how it effected me gives me the power to relieve myself of that burden I carry. By letting go of a resentment it loses its power over my life.

At first I wrote letting go of a resentment and forgiveness were different. After reading what I wrote I deleted it because letting go of a resentment may mean forgiving yourself for holding onto something that could be negatively affecting your life. Even in as small a way as being afraid to login somewhere or say a specific thing to people for fear of being judged again. Forgiving the other people is not essential to letting go of a resentment in my life today that's more to do with compassion and understanding for how my actions may have effected them.
 

MEDL86

Deleted
To me a resentment is the internal dialogue in my head reliving something that I felt wronged me in someway. You could hold onto a resentment for 50 years and the other person/people would never have a clue, by the end the resentment only ended up effecting you. Letting go of the resentment by accepting my part and how it effected me gives me the power to relieve myself of that burden I carry. By letting go of a resentment it loses its power over my life.

At first I wrote letting go of a resentment and forgiveness were different. After reading what I wrote I deleted it because letting go of a resentment may mean forgiving yourself for holding onto something that could be negatively affecting your life. Even in as small a way as being afraid to login somewhere or say a specific thing to people for fear of being judged again. Forgiving the other people is not essential to letting go of a resentment in my life today that's more to do with compassion and understanding for how my actions may have effected them.
In my case, resentment doesn't really hold a strong influence, other than allowing me to better prepare myself for other people like the ones I mentioned. It's not about making the others feel the pain of the incident, it's about remembering what it felt like to be betrayed (a familiar feeling for me) because I put my trust in them and their ability to act not only rationally, but also responsibly and like an adult. Then using that memory to recognize those kinds of people (through comparative analysis, as most tend to for normal interactions on the spot, though for me, it takes a lot longer), and avoid them.
 

Cosmophylla

(coz-MOFF-illa)
V.I.P Member
For me personally, straight-up mirroring seems demeaning and disconnected. I don't know why. But I don't use that approach at all, and it really annoys me when other people use it on me.

I agree, which is why I can only force myself to use it on my daughter, who is three and learning about her feelings and ways to regulate them. Even with my six-year-old suspected Aspie son, it feels condescending to do it. That said, I've found it useful with my kids at a young age because it slows me down. It is a mindful way for me to interact with young ones, which is something I have always struggled with. When I'm craving solitude or peace and quiet and I'm approaching sensory overload, being mindful is far from my mind. I want to work on this. :)

Their emotions are not my responsibility, so I can be present to the person while they experience those emotions.


This is interesting. I think this could be one of those phrases (affirmations, perhaps?) that I can use to be mindful when I'm in those tough situations.


On that same note, my emotions are not their responsibility. It's my job to feel and explore my emotions, not theirs. If I find myself holding them responsible in any way for the way I feel, that's when things start to get yucky with me. (This has been a humongously difficult challenge for me, having grown up in a deeply enmeshed family system that still has its grips on me.)


It's great that you've been able to work through it. This is something I'm still struggling with... (I'm 40 next month)

Warning... Personal shame spiral coming...

My most shameful source of resentment (I wouldn't call it a grudge, but can't explain why...) is being a full time parent, stuck at home with kids that I (am sorry to say I) never wanted. That is not to say that I don't love them, because I do. But I've never really come to terms with my freedom being taken away. I'm very intelligent and capable of so much, have taught myself innumerable things, but I feel completely stuck at home, as though my life is being wasted. I do realise that raising children is one of the most important tasks for the future of this planet, but (possibly due to ADD, possibly due to autism) I can't see that bigger picture when I'm being screamed at yet again for refusing to turn on the TV on demand, or changing my 10,000th nappy, or being yelled at because I think my son should eat his vegetables. On top of this there is a silent expectation that I will do most of the chores, too. I could go on but it will be boring to read me whining about my life.:oops:

I'm able to see there are many positives in having had kids, not least the many opportunities for personal insight and growth. If I hadn't been struggling with my son, I wouldn't have figured out I'm autistic. That is a huge plus.



If one of the kids is angry, that's not a reflection on my parenting and I don't have to be afraid of or threatened by what they're feeling in any way. That's simply what they feel right then. It's okay to let them feel it, and to tell them that it's okay to feel it. And I'll ask them what they feel. Then I'll talk about how each emotion carries a message--something that our heart is trying to tell us. And we need to listen to that emotion. What is it saying? What's so important that it had to speak up? And how do you need to respond to that message?

Thank you for this. :herb: I'm going to try this with my son.
 

qwerty

Sight seeing on the planet of the apes
This reminds me of an incident which happened only a few days ago within my family.
We have recently lost a dear friend, a friend my mother has known, loved and trusted for over 45 years. This has been an incredibly difficult time especially for my mother who would talk to her at least twice a day every day.

My sister had managed to rub my mother up the wrong way over a joke gone bad, good intentions missing the mark. My sister whom i am very close to was holding a grudge over this and i tried talking to her about how having just lost someone close there was little time to hold on to these things as at the end of the day holding a grudge is just a waste of energy, energy that could have been spent in comforting and sharing the grief we all felt, energy better spent in love than teeth grinding impotent resentment.

She said she was not yet ready to forgive mum and proceeded to carry all this negative energy with her through the funeral where she stood apart from everyone with a face like a smacked bum letting everyone know by her demeanor just how outraged she was at my mother and how righteous she was to be so upset, she ended up looking like a self righteous fuming little beetroot, i could imagine cartoon jets of steam coming out of her ears. This has now become a larger drama which is starting to affect other people and will possibly radiate out causing people undue stress at a time which is difficult enough as it is.

Now i know my sister very well and love her dearly, i know she loves my mother and the rest of our family but because she couldn't let a small personal slight go there is now a much larger drama which she is now the cause of which when someone mentions this to her (which is only a matter of time) will only fuel her outrage more, she could very well ostricise herself completely unnecessarily over this silly misunderstanding, this could turn into one of those uncomfortable family issues that keep arising at xmas dinners etc..

I would personally rather not carry feelings of resentment and anger within myself as i see them as a form of negative energy and if i am dwelling on such negative things then i may blind myself to potential positive things to spend that energy on instead. There are things and people which i dislike but i would rather confront them as the issues arise rather than gnash my teeth about it for weeks, months or years afterwards, we only have so much time and buggered if i am going to carry someone else's crap around with me, i have enough of my own as it is to drag about I would rather try and invest that energy in things of a more positive nature.
 

BIMOG

Noivilbo Kees I : Я ищу забвение
I don't bear active grudges against people, because if someone has annoyed me I don't want to waste my time giving them any further thought, I simply cut them out of my life completely so that they'll never have the opportunity to annoy me ever again.
 

The Penguin

Chilly Willy The Penguin
I do have a history holding on to grudges and resentment. The last few years I learned I needed to make some changes. From the time I have moved to Nova Scotia, I have been let down by a lot of people and organizations. The problem is, they're not many options here compare to other parts of Canada. I learned despite I had these bad experiences with these parties, sometimes need to find a ways to resolve issues to move forward in life. When people let me down now, I make sure they get reported. Sometimes I can get it resolved, other times I can’t. However, the times I was able to get it resolved, allow me to move one step forward in life. So sometimes you have to work with people you don’t want to work with. When this happens, you just need to watch your back more and take extra caution.
 

BlueConundrum

Active Member
Hmm. I personally don't think that grudges are inherently bad.

I've noticed that more often than not, if someone treats you bad once, they will treat you bad over and over and over again until you cut them out of your life. Sometimes, sure, someone makes an honest mistake, but every time I have forgiven someone for any kind of serious transgression, I have come to regret it later.

Holding a grudge is what keeps me safe(r) from future abuse.
 

The Penguin

Chilly Willy The Penguin
Hmm. I personally don't think that grudges are inherently bad.

I've noticed that more often than not, if someone treats you bad once, they will treat you bad over and over and over again until you cut them out of your life. Sometimes, sure, someone makes an honest mistake, but every time I have forgiven someone for any kind of serious transgression, I have come to regret it later.

Holding a grudge is what keeps me safe(r) from future abuse.
I can agree with what your saying. I had to do this with this one person in my life. I had so many people lecture me that knows this person I need to forgive this person. I can't forgive someone for my whole life is always breaking promises and hurting me. I don't know why so many people in the world does endless forgiveness. However, I'm not doing that anymore. I don't care those people think less of me because I want nothing to do with that person. They can keep hanging out with that corrupted person but I want nothing to do with it.
 

MEDL86

Deleted
I can agree with what your saying. I had to do this with this one person in my life. I had so many people lecture me that knows this person I need to forgive this person. I can't forgive someone for my whole life is always breaking promises and hurting me. I don't know why so many people in the world does endless forgiveness. However, I'm not doing that anymore. I don't care those people think less of me because I want nothing to do with that person. They can keep hanging out with that corrupted person but I want nothing to do with it.

Sounds kind of like what I went through about a month and a half ago with my "brother" (I no longer consider him an existing member of my family). I asked him to help me run some errands (I have no car, and no other means of transport), which he had previously agreed to help me with on that day, and he gave me an attitude like had previously about a bunch of stuff. That whole day he had been trash talking me and putting me down as it was. I told him I was getting sick of his nasty attitude and that he needed to grow up (he's 20). After which, he told me if I didn't like his attitude then I should kiss his ass because he doesn't care what I think, immediately afterward he proceeded to tell me that I was worth less to him than his free time and video games (I will never forget that, and will never forgive him for saying it).

I promptly told him to go to hell and I have no intention of speaking to him again, ever.

What made the situation worse is, my mother actually defended him, basically stating that he had an excuse for being a complete a** wipe because he's young and stupid. Well, I'm sorry, but that's no excuse in any shape, way, or form. He's 20 f'ing years old, he's old enough to know the difference between treating someone like crap, and not.
 

The Penguin

Chilly Willy The Penguin
Sounds kind of like what I went through about a month and a half ago with my "brother" (I no longer consider him an existing member of my family).
Yes my case also relates to someone in my family. I had many family members defend this person. Also been told I need to forgive this person. This person gave me hardship for a few decades. Am I going to keep forgiving this person for more decades? I don't think so.
 

clg114

Still crazy, after all these years.
Staff member
V.I.P Member
Holding a grudge is negativity in your life. Negativity is bad for you. It really is simple as that. If someone does you wrong, stay away from them. But holding a grudge just hurts you, just makes you feel bad.
 

Omega

Every man must walk his own path
V.I.P Member
I can actually be civil to someone I hold a resentment toward. My ex wife is a perfect example. Now days me and her get along better than we ever did when we were married. However, after we spilt for good she disappeared and neither me nor my kids saw or heard from her for 9 years. When my kids did finally see her again it was at her grandmother's funeral and she was in handcuffs with a cop sitting on each side of her. Now my kids want to have some kind of relationship with her and I believe that is why it is so easy for me to be civil to her. I hold no grudge for our marriage, I have no problem taking 50% of the blame for that, but the b**ch abandoned my kids and for that I will never forgive her.
 

Spiller

Just.. WEIRD!
I started a reply here a few days ago and deleted it before posting when I realised it wasn't true - I don't hold grudges as I understand that everyone has issues and I might react the in the same way, given similar situation and history.. walking a mile in their shoes.

So yes, I hold a grudge, a big one and a very great deal of resentment toward one person.

It feels like I'm choking on something large when I think about it, I can barely even consider that person as human, with the same rights I'd afford anyone else, including those who have used and abused me during my lifetime.
I wish that person would just die, wish she was out of my - and my kids lives for good.
I can't bring myself to imagine hurting her, any more than I'd hurt anyone, I just find myself unable to feel anything but utter contempt for what she did - and continues to do to me and my boys.

My ex-wife treated me like a servant, a slave, for 23 years while she did nothing, contributed nothing to our lives, relationship, finances, home, beyond minding my boys while I was at work - I'm thankful to her for that, at least.
I fed them in the night and changed their nappies when they were babies, got them up, ready and took them to - and picked them up from nursery and school and work, put them to bed, cleaned their cuts and grazes, hugged them when they cried.. and all of that was my greatest pleasure, my lifes fulfillment.

The background noise in our lives, now and for those two decades, is of hatred, anger, selfishness.. I literally want to spit, when I contemplate this - my boys each disown and hate her. They visibly cringe when she screams insults at me in front of them.
The more they revolt against her the more she blames me.

I've spent years, after all the affairs, the theft of my life's savings, house, over half of my life, trying to forgive, move on - I don't want this feeling inside me, don't want to still be carrying* her!

I suffer depression, sleepless nights and nightmares about those times when I do sleep.

One day I hope to be able to leave the past where it belongs, perhaps when my youngest is able to leave there for good.


*I frequently consider a Buddhist parable:

Two monks were walking along a muddy road when they came across a young woman, dressed in her best outfit, trying to find a way to cross without spoiling her dress.
The Elder monk approaches her, picks her up and carries her to the other side, then they continue on their way.
Hours later the younger monk asks the Elder, "Why did you carry her across the road? We're not supposed to do things like that!"
The Elder monk replies, "I put the girl down hours ago.. are you still carrying her?"


I want to put my ex down with all my heart (I might even dump her in the biggest, muddiest puddle I can find) but it seems that some hurts are incredibly difficult to let go of.
I think my ability to do that will come in time and with progress in my own life now I'm free.
I'll not carry this forward then!
 

BlueConundrum

Active Member
The "grudge" I was mostly referring to is directed towards a relative as well. I am estranged from my family. I made my position and boundaries clear, but my sibling (who is a con artist and a horrible person) only recently stopped trying to contact me after over ten years. The thing is, I told him that what he was doing was hurting me, and he proceeded to ignore it and keep pestering me. I told him that I wouldn't respond to him anymore, and then he continued to bother me for ten years. I have had to block him multiple times on various social networks, and he has gone so far as to lie to people who know me in order to get information about me. I'm not working, but this ruined any chance I would have had in my career because I can't have a real internet presence as long as he's alive and I had to hide because of creepy stalker-ish behavior. So, yeah, sometimes it's difficult to escape certain people, which is why holding a grudge comes in handy.

I had a bad roommate who was absolutely terrifying. She did a couple of annoying/rude things to me before we were roommates, and I was ready to cut her off. I ended up forgiving her for a stupid fight she picked with me, and then I let my guard down too much (also, I had nowhere else to live and she offered me a space). Without getting into too many details, she threatened me and screamed at me constantly and gave me weird "rules" while we lived together. She would do weird gaslighting stuff. For instance, she would offer me coffee, and then scream at me for drinking her coffee. She also refused money for household supplies, then hours later screamed at me for not contributing. She would get mad at me for not working and if I was sitting on the sofa with a blanket she would rip it off my lap because "it needed washing." She would back me into a corner all while screaming nonsense, and she was 9" taller than me and much larger. She also did some pretty abusive things to my cat. I was afraid to leave my cat alone with her! I lost 25 lbs in a month because she made me too stressed to eat. Worst. Diet. Ever.

I still see her around the city occasionally and it makes me feel like my head's on fire. I think she's the negativity in my life, not the grudge. Fortunately, she's not in my life!
 

Cosmophylla

(coz-MOFF-illa)
V.I.P Member
Someone showed me this the other day and it got me thinking.


Must the meaning of "forgiveness" include offering an olive branch? Or can forgiveness be simply accepting that something happened, someone did something, and then walking away, never to see them again?

Does trying to walk in someone else's shoes, see through their eyes, through that person's life story, make forgiveness easier?
 

royinpink

Well-Known Member
I checked the 'easy come easy go' option before I saw "With time I can let most go, but there are some from long ago that I just can't," which is probably more accurate. I tend to have intense emotions but get over them in a couple days except a couple, or maybe just one, really old 'grudge' (if that's the right term for it). It pertains to my parents.

I feel deeply but struggle to express it face to face. The pictures in my head don't come out in the right words, and I also find that my emotions become overwhelming very quickly, meaning I end up either in tears or shouting. Neither of these is conducive to fruitful communication, although I find that generally when I'm trying to express something serious/important I sound angry (even when I'm not) and I think this is because anger seems to focus my thoughts better than if I'm a blubbering wreck.

You have just described me, exactly.

How do you cope with resentment? Do you hold grudges? For how long? Does it make a difference what the cause of the resentment is? Are you able to consciously move on or does it just take time to get things in perspective? Do you find it easy to "forgive and forget"?

I dunno, I basically just have a gut feeling about whether I want to bother with somebody or not. If I do, then I will try to understand their perspective and work things out, unless they want out. If I don't, then I just pay them no mind and move on. The only problem is if I'm forced to endure someone I don't feel is worth bothering with.

For me it just takes some time, not a conscious process. I'm helped as much by a change of place, distraction, exercise, interaction, etc. as by actually working through it consciously. In fact working through it consciously is probably only going to help me give voice to my anger/resentment, not help me get through it. But going for a run, or spending an afternoon making a difference in a kid's life, or burying myself in a book on my favorite subject? These do wonders for me. The more active, the better, to deal with the physical aspect of the emotions, release of pent up frustration and all that.
 

Spiller

Just.. WEIRD!
Must the meaning of "forgiveness" include offering an olive branch? Or can forgiveness be simply accepting that something happened, someone did something, and then walking away, never to see them again?

Does trying to walk in someone else's shoes, see through their eyes, through that person's life story, make forgiveness easier?

I think you can forgive someone, even if you don't do it to their face, even if they never know, by forgiving yourself for feeling that resentment towards them.
It's a negative and destructive emotion that only hurts you - they probably don't know or care, so they're not suffering.. my ex may even enjoy the thought of getting a reaction from me.

I've thought a lot about why people have hurt me over the years and realised the reasons don't matter. Like the guy in the clip says, we might all react in the same way in the same situation and given the same background - we're all human, even if we've been abused or we suffer with mental illness or live in a culture of violence - we'd just be resenting ourselves.

Walking a mile in someone elses shoes helps us understand that persons motives and so helps us forgive, but once you realise that walking that mile always gives you the same answer, forgiveness becomes natural - it's why I don't normally hold grudges.. I guess in this case I need to think some more though..
 

Streetwise

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
In my case, resentment doesn't really hold a strong influence, other than allowing me to better prepare myself for other people like the ones I mentioned. It's not about making the others feel the pain of the incident, it's about remembering what it felt like to be betrayed (a familiar feeling for me) because I put my trust in them and their ability to act not only rationally, but also responsibly and like an adult. Then using that memory to recognize those kinds of people (through comparative analysis, as most tend to for normal interactions on the spot, though for me, it takes a lot longer), and avoid them.
i cant stop the feeling when i think about looking at the motor neurone disease association forum that it would be a bad idea
but people there are floored by what to do for the one they care for as theres no cure and no assisted suocide
 

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