autism and womanhood

[apolloidolsice]

Hi there! i'm AFAB/female (questioning my gender atm so i don't wanna call myself a woman). My autism affects every part of me, even my gender. I've never really felt like a woman and have never fit in with the other girls. I'm less submissive and louder than most women i meet. And i'm really bad at makeup and shaving and have always felt more connected to masculine interests. Do any other afab/female autistics feel the same way? that your autism makes you bad at womanhood?

 

[AprilR]

I have both feminine and masculine qualities i think. I love fashion and makeup but not in a traditional way. It is more like a ritual for me to do my makeup.

I seem like a quiet person but i am quite opinionated also. I see myself a bit of a mix.

 

[Yeshuasdaughter]

One trait of autism is an unstable sense of self. Many people on the spectrum don't really feel settled in their bodies. And so they will mistakenly believe they are transgender, or they will easily be convinced to do things that they normally wouldn't. Like sexual acts, drugs, or shoplifting for their so called friends.

Having XX chromosomes does not mean you are naturally submissive and prissy. A woman can work heavy machinery, dangling from a harness, on a sixteen story building, drive sled dogs across the arctic, work on a commercial fishing vessel, or fight and die for her country. For a woman, these are all incredibly feminine acts. Beautiful, really.

I am kind of a submissive, quiet woman. I enjoy taking care of others, making food, wearing aprons, sewing, tidying up the house. But---- I am also an old punk rocker. I don't take crap from narcissists, and will quickly tell them where they can stick it.

On top of emulating June Cleaver, I also love digging holes and trenches, using power tools, and learning wilderness survival skills. In the past, I've hitch hiked all over the country and camped out in the wildest places. And not to mention, I've done things which, as "Yeshua's Daughter", I've had to seriously repent for. It's been quite a life.

I have not always been settled in my body. And that doesn't make me trans or whatever. It makes me neurologically, socially and physically awkward. Oh my goodness, if you only knew what I've been through, and the fun and danger I've had. It would be quite a novel. And you probably wouldn't believe it.

Everything from domestic violence, to shotguns, and freight trains, to corsets, and pantaloons, and herding goats in Baja. And things I wouldn't dare say on an internet forum. Things you wouldn't believe, coming from someone like me.

And through it all, is an undercurrent of love, devotion, and a drive to improve the lives of others, that burns in my soul.

We spend too much time thinking about our own comfort and the ways that the world perceives us. What we should do is care more about the welfare of others, than of our own needs. One is selfish, the other is love.

 

[Progster]

I've always been a tomboy. As a child, I didn't like girly things or activities and much preferred what are considered to be boys' activities. As an adult, I really resent how society pushes gender roles on people, and tries to dictate what one should like, look like, think and say according to one's gender. Biologically, I'm female, but sometimes I feel I don't have a gender - I'm not anything, I'm just me.

 

[Stuttermabolur]

What does AFAB stand for?

---

In my experience, autists tend not to conform to what are viewed as their normal role in society, whether that's class, gender or nationality. I'm also quite atypical as someone biologically male, and wouldn't say I identify much with most other men in their manhood. I agree with @Yeshuasdaughter, in that I think it can be a distraction to view yourself as a reflection of your gender. You are you, a unique individual, just like those other women are unique in their own way, though they also have some traits in common (what is seen as "feminine" in contemporary western culture).

For me personally, I don't really see myself as either gender, but I'm open about my male sex as I have been treated according to my looks and expectations towards me my whole life. I will say, as long as you see submissiveness and shaving as more feminine and yourself as less of a woman because of it, I feel like you are giving society power over you. To be clear, if you are experiencing gender dysphoria I think it's a great idea to explore it further to gain a better understanding of yourself and see where you end up. If the only reason you feel like less of a woman is because you don't conform to society's expectation of what a woman is, keep in mind that a lot of women have fought to both be women and also follow their own path in life, which would otherwise be barred due to their gender (piloting a plane or voting was not very "womanly" in those days).

This is only intended as food for thought as you continue developing your sense of self. It's the mirror image of the questions I have been wrestling with in my own life. As a feminist, I think there is value in being a male who isn't typical, and advocates for women, even if it's not seen as a "male" thing to do. It might be the same for you, or it might not be. Only you can know.

Edit: I put agree on @Progster's comment, but meaning the opposite. I was very reserved and quiet as a male kid who had more typically female interests and friends. As mentioned, I also don't really feel as if I am a specific gender and dislike being pigeonholed, though I'm fine with being of the male sex and don't have dysphoria.

 

[apolloidolsice]

What does AFAB stand for?

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Assigned Female At Birth

 

[Richelle-H]

I realized early on that I was a piece from a different puzzle. I did not fit in and was left with limited options. That piece of me we call gender was something I did not really consider or confront until well into my late twenties. I am still trying to come to terms with that to some extent.

The thing is, I always found the genetics thing a big stumbling block. Being stuck with that, up front, made removing bits of myself seem a gesture that was unnecessary as well as being expensive in more than monetary ways; much easier to just express myself in ways that made me feel comfortable and the rest of the world could just deal with it.

I like to think of it as stealth gender. You dress and act they way you want, but to all outward appearances seem to be normal enough to avoid drawing stares or rude comments from the masses. I am just me and how I am inside or outside is no one's business but mine. I own who I am, I have the original patent to prove it, and so I no longer worry the way I did in my youth. That attitude was hard won and I wasted many years in reaching that understanding.

I wish you well in finding who you are at all levels. May your journey be as free of stress and recrimination as is humanly possible.

 

[VictorR]

Some threads that may be of interest:

What is AutiGender?

I recently came across this term. and was wondering if anyone here knew what it was, happen to be it, and what it means to them.

www.autismforums.com

My Thoughts as An Autistic Queer Person

I feel like my Neurodivergency and Queerness is linked. My Queerness is Autistic, and my Autisticness is Queer. Because of this, I am going to add Autigender as a label to describe my gender ID. Autism strongly effects my gender identity, so my gender identity is Autistic. I am Autigender. Don't...

www.autismforums.com

Gender Identity and Sexuality

I found this cool article talking about how gender identity and sexuality are more varied among people who have autism. It’s a cool read and I found it to be very interesting. https://www.spectrumnews.org/news/gender-and-sexuality-in-autism-explained/

www.autismforums.com

 

[Rodafina]

What does AFAB stand for?

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Assigned Female At Birth

I am an AFAB female.
Also, I am A Fab Female!

Womanhood can mean whatever we want it to.

People on here often think I’m a guy… no idea why. It doesn’t matter.

Male, female, transgender, nonbinary… we are all sometimes the same and sometimes different.

I think the most important thing is to learn what you love, use that to build confidence, and use your confidence to appreciate and understand others for being exactly who they want to be.

 

[Progster]

I'm fine with being of the male sex and don't have dysphoria.

I don't have dysphoria either. For me, it's society that needs to change its attitudes, rather than me that needs to change gender.

 

[SusanLR]

I have a female assigned body, but I never felt the desire for what society calls "girly" things. I was always drawn towards the things that in my age was called Tomboy.
I'm more comfortable with men. We seem to share more interests in common.
I think a lot of this is in our DNA.

It's something I was never concerned with. I was just me and nothing more, nor did I try to be. I've made it through a lifetime without any concerns what others/society thought.
I didn't like some parts of what come with the female body, but never went so far as to alter them physically.

I agree that I would call my inner self rather androgenous.

 

[Luca]

In some ways I am a very stereotypical female, and in some ways I’m not at all and have more “masculine” interests.

I do use female pronouns but I think I’m overall pretty fluid and androgynous in my gender identity.

There’s nothing wrong with being transgender or nonbinary either. Society needs to change its approach towards “typical” gender roles though because it’s not right to put everyone in a specific, rigid box.

Not all women want to get married and have kids, and not all men want to watch sports or do manual labor. Anything in between is fine and people shouldn’t be shamed for it.

 

[vergil96]

I'm transgender, but I think I share the attitude towards gender with others who have posted in this thread - I'm myself and I like what I like. But I have more masculine interests and I was told that as an AFAB person, these are the wrong interests or that I shouldn't be friends with guys who share my interests (there were no girls available), because they "are guys" and it's awkward. To me, I'm ahuman being and the guys are also human beings and we enjoy doing something together.

The transition had to do with something else. I want to be perceived as a man by others and to be interacted with as such. It's also consistent with my body image. If given the choice, I'd rather have a male body and I want my body to look masculine. I'm also on the intersex spectrum, so I had to explain to medical professionals what I actually want to look like, because the default is to "normalize" intersex bodies. But I went through a phase that I knew I'm transgender, but didn't realise that I would be happier and more at ease if I transitioned, I won't hide it, it's not that I understood my needs right away. I also believe that sensory issues prevented me from understanding that I'm binary transgender, not nonbinary, because I have a strong aversion to medications, medical procedures and breast binding. Basically all things that produce body sensations. Maybe I also failed to understand that "wanting a certain body" is a metaphor. If someone asked if I want to do medical thing X, I replied "no", because I had no realistic plans to do so, but maybe they were really asking something else now that I think about it.

But as far as internal identity goes, without the need to transition, more people than many people suspect are some kind of nonbinary.