What if I like not 'fitting in'?

[SageRose]

Yeah, I've decided to be a self-sufficient hermit in the hills and give the middle finger to a world that in my lifetime (I'm 44) has become ever narrower in its definition of "worthy" members of society and ever broader in who is rejected.

I remember when a guy on SSI (disability pension in USA) could easily find an apartment, now nobody will rent to you because "the poor are all criminals" and "poor people trash apartments, they make hash and/or meth on the stove, they cause a ruckus, blah blah blah" and building managers don't look at you as a person but as "worthless poor trash".

There's a popular series of movies in the USA now that depict death squads massacring the poor with the blessing of the govt. The bourgeoisie have come to believe that the poor should be exterminated because they are the cause of their problems.

"Fitting in" here means that you are a billionaire hedge fund manager or technology superstar and you have all sorts of material things, houses around the world that you fly to in your private jet. If you don't have money you are trash. I plan to be far away from the cities when the death squads show up.

That is just horrible, if not downright disgusting. It is true that the 'modern humanitarian' society is fast becoming more hostile every single year. First the doctors would suggest to parents to abort any baby that isn't 100% 'normal', then this? It's just disgusting what people are rapidly becoming. Let those who think money will complete them, live with their money. Far be they from us.

 

[SageRose]

It never occurred to me to pretend in anyway or "mask" or anything. I think I wish it had! If only not "fitting in" didn't result in violence as a kid/teenager. I did stop talking, for the most part, for a while, to avoid drawing attention to myself. Is that a form of masking?

Not sure if that can be considered masking but you certainly used it as a defense mechanism did you not? I can totally see why you did that. Mutism is very common among people with autism, especially if people around you have made you feel that you shouldn't voice your views. I used to pretend to be extremely studious during the class and escape into the unknown corners of my school during the breaks to avoid any unwanted attention from people, especially when my best friend had left our school and I was completely alone.

 

[Sarah S]

I dident even had to open my mouth i was casted as as weirdo and frozen out and bullied etc... From before preschool up to adult hood

 

[SageRose]

Hi SageRose. I agree - I don't think I thought it was that important to fit in and I actually liked being different. I think with me, it was always more, just not letting anyone see my weaknesses or pain. I was always a 'loner' and would tell people that. But I did put on an act about pretending things didn't bother me. I've been trying to work on being me with no masking of any type. Sunday a couple things were said and I literally felt that defensive mask come over me to pretend, all is fine, nothing bothered me, smile and just try to get away as soon as I can.
I remember my daughter once asking when I was going to work during the day and be like a normal mom and I said, "but I'm not a normal mom". I just didn't realize at the time that I was making an accurate statement.

I dident even had to open my mouth i was casted as as weirdo and frozen out and bullied etc... From before preschool up to adult hood

Yeah people always seemed to sense the difference with me too, the more I'd talk the more intense it would be. That's why I chose to talk much less and/or imitate some standard behaviors I watched around me. I literally copy stuff I've seen from others when I'm in social situations.

 

[Monachopia]

I've never really fit in. I tried at one point, when I was younger, but around the age of 14 I just gave up. Started wearing what I wanted which was completely different to everyone else at school. There was so much POINTLESS activity, empty talking, empty actions, then, and even now. People talk for talking's sake. People try to act a certain way to be liked for about 5 minutes. Honestly, what's the point?

There are many like you and I, the ones not seeing much value in going along with the herd, and you know what? It's ok. We have meaningful lives, that aren't dictated by anyone else. There is less pressure once we let go the need to be 'accepted' by the general whole. That is not to say that the others don't have meaningful lives too, they thrive on social acceptance and that's their goal and that's fine too. It just isn't a priority for us. As you get older there will be less and less pressure. Everyone's a little weird, but some people drop the mask later than others.

To add a little about asexuality, my sister had realised that she was like yourself, sex repulsed, over a decade ago. She never had any interest in it at all. It takes a while for those around you to accept that, but once they do, it's absolutely fine. If they don't accept that part of you, then maybe they weren't a good friend to begin with. Once you hit your 30's, it should get easier, people around you will become more mature and lewd talk will happen less, depending on the friend circles you keep. It will get better.

 

[SageRose]

I've never really fit in. I tried at one point, when I was younger, but around the age of 14 I just gave up. Started wearing what I wanted which was completely different to everyone else at school. There was so much POINTLESS activity, empty talking, empty actions, then, and even now. People talk for talking's sake. People try to act a certain way to be liked for about 5 minutes. Honestly, what's the point?

There are many like you and I, the ones not seeing much value in going along with the herd, and you know what? It's ok. We have meaningful lives, that aren't dictated by anyone else. There is less pressure once we let go the need to be 'accepted' by the general whole. That is not to say that the others don't have meaningful lives too, they thrive on social acceptance and that's their goal and that's fine too. It just isn't a priority for us. As you get older there will be less and less pressure. Everyone's a little weird, but some people drop the mask later than others.

To add a little about asexuality, my sister had realised that she was like yourself, sex repulsed, over a decade ago. She never had any interest in it at all. It takes a while for those around you to accept that, but once they do, it's absolutely fine. If they don't accept that part of you, then maybe they weren't a good friend to begin with. Once you hit your 30's, it should get easier, people around you will become more mature and lewd talk will happen less, depending on the friend circles you keep. It will get better.

I agree Monachopia (your nickname is very nice ), our priority isn't and shouldn't be fitting in. Was your sister able to be obvious about her asexuality or was it just something people got used to without giving her much of a hassle for it? People tend to be awfully nosy usually.

 

[DiverseWonderland]

I think most people on the spectrum would agree that fitting in has been one of our major stress factors in life. For me it was, for a long time. I didn't really know why I 'had' to fit in, but I felt that I did and I always strived for it...sometimes I was successful and able to mask my difficulties...but that usually meant that I had to act in a ridiculously...'foreign' to me way, far away from who I really was when I felt comfortable or when being in my safe zone. But during the past few years, even before my discovery of my autism, I've realized that I'm just..tired. Tired of trying, of pretending, of being constantly on the edge..tired of not being me. Whatever that is. I've also come to terms with the fact that I never really wanted to fit in, nor do I want to now.

I don't want to change what I'm made of (spectrum and 'asexuality' wise), or to immitate the norm anymore. I'm fine with having Aspergers. I'm happy with it. I'm also happy being sex repulsed. Despite society's general belief that people who are like that must either be mentally sick or previously abused or anything, I don't care. Regardless of any possible mental/emotional challenge or the existence or not of some abuse, I don't mind being asexual and I certainly don't mind having Aspergers. For the first time in my life, I'm comfortable with who I am. 'Fitting in', is not part of my goals. Improving myself and my confidence in who I am, is. Fitting into some societal box that most people of the norm or even most therapists might want, is not.


P.S. Sorry if my English is confusing sometimes, it's not my native language.

I also like actually not fitting in and some people think I'm crazy cause of that but then i just quote a song i like and say "So what if i'm Crazy the best people are" (Also I mean the Crazy as in personality or ect but not the dangerous kind that most people assume when they hear that word) Hence my profile name and pic, Besides acting like everyone else and fitting in is not only stressful but BORING why be like everybody else when you can be so much more!

 

[Aru]

I'm glad someone feels the same way, I kinda grew up with everyone wanting to change me and me trying to change myself for others but in the end realised that i should just be who i am and live the way i was meant to be, I'm happy you feel the same way and i can honestly say you've made the right choice, I really admire you for doing this, If you're sex repulsed, That's all good! It makes you no less of a person than anyone else in any way, You're still awesome and we're all here for you in any support you want or need

 

[Monachopia]

I agree Monachopia (your nickname is very nice ), our priority isn't and shouldn't be fitting in. Was your sister able to be obvious about her asexuality or was it just something people got used to without giving her much of a hassle for it? People tend to be awfully nosy usually.

Thank you My name is a derivative of the word "monachopsis", a somewhat made-up word that means "the subtle, but persistent feeling of being out of place". I liked it, so I adopted it as it seems fitting for my life and self.
My sister was a little shy about her asexuality at first, because when she discovered it, it wasn't very well recognised (10-15 years ago). Now she is pretty vocal about it, shares and spreads awareness through her social media and all her friends in the comic art and cosplay world know and accept her. She doesn't dress girly and identifies as non-binary, so I guess that's her way of coping with it all too. She found the right people where she can be herself and no one judges her. She still gets some leery-eyed dudes following her trying to probe if it's a "real thing", but it quickly gets shut down.. that sort of thing can't be avoided unfortunately, but it can happen to pretty much anyone, asexual or not.
<3

 

[Tom]

 

[Bronzelincolns]

sounds good.

being comfortable in your own skin is a valuable thing for anyone. NT or not.

 

[SageRose]

Thank you My name is a derivative of the word "monachopsis", a somewhat made-up word that means "the subtle, but persistent feeling of being out of place". I liked it, so I adopted it as it seems fitting for my life and self.
My sister was a little shy about her asexuality at first, because when she discovered it, it wasn't very well recognised (10-15 years ago). Now she is pretty vocal about it, shares and spreads awareness through her social media and all her friends in the comic art and cosplay world know and accept her. She doesn't dress girly and identifies as non-binary, so I guess that's her way of coping with it all too. She found the right people where she can be herself and no one judges her. She still gets some leery-eyed dudes following her trying to probe if it's a "real thing", but it quickly gets shut down.. that sort of thing can't be avoided unfortunately, but it can happen to pretty much anyone, asexual or not.
<3

I'm glad she is able to cope with all of it so well. I like your choice of nickname and its meaning. Pretty spot on.

 

[SageRose]

I'm glad someone feels the same way, I kinda grew up with everyone wanting to change me and me trying to change myself for others but in the end realised that i should just be who i am and live the way i was meant to be, I'm happy you feel the same way and i can honestly say you've made the right choice, I really admire you for doing this, If you're sex repulsed, That's all good! It makes you no less of a person than anyone else in any way, You're still awesome and we're all here for you in any support you want or need

Thank you Aru

 

[Desiree W]

I think most people on the spectrum would agree that fitting in has been one of our major stress factors in life. For me it was, for a long time. I didn't really know why I 'had' to fit in, but I felt that I did and I always strived for it...sometimes I was successful and able to mask my difficulties...but that usually meant that I had to act in a ridiculously...'foreign' to me way, far away from who I really was when I felt comfortable or when being in my safe zone. But during the past few years, even before my discovery of my autism, I've realized that I'm just..tired. Tired of trying, of pretending, of being constantly on the edge..tired of not being me. Whatever that is. I've also come to terms with the fact that I never really wanted to fit in, nor do I want to now.

I don't want to change what I'm made of (spectrum and 'asexuality' wise), or to immitate the norm anymore. I'm fine with having Aspergers. I'm happy with it. I'm also happy being sex repulsed. Despite society's general belief that people who are like that must either be mentally sick or previously abused or anything, I don't care. Regardless of any possible mental/emotional challenge or the existence or not of some abuse, I don't mind being asexual and I certainly don't mind having Aspergers. For the first time in my life, I'm comfortable with who I am. 'Fitting in', is not part of my goals. Improving myself and my confidence in who I am, is. Fitting into some societal box that most people of the norm or even most therapists might want, is not.


P.S. Sorry if my English is confusing sometimes, it's not my native language.

"Fitting in" is so overrated. I've NEVER totally "fit in" and don't regret it. I'm glad to see that you're comfortable being who you are. Stay positive and keep being yourself.

 

[LadyBird84]

I do not always want to fit in, sometimes I'm happy not to.
I just wish I had the choice sometimes.

 

[ftfipps]

Sometimes I like not fitting in. Sometimes I wish I worked at Marshalls, had a wife and kids and dog and was just like all other "regular" folk.

 

[SageRose]

Sometimes I like not fitting in. Sometimes I wish I worked at Marshalls, had a wife and kids and dog and was just like all other "regular" folk.

I guess we have our moods xD

 

[BlueSky Aozora]

Hi, I would like to ask something that may or may not be related with "fitting in".

Have you been with a friend who, looks happier or more comfortable when s/he's talking with other people, compared to when s/he's talking or being with you? Don't you feel sad? How do you cope with it? Or maybe i'm thinking too much.. this has been bothering me for a long time.

And how do you cope not fitting in at work, without compromising your work life? I hope I can be comfortable in my own skin like some of you.

 

[SageRose]

Hi, I would like to ask something that may or may not be related with "fitting in".

Have you been with a friend who, looks happier or more comfortable when s/he's talking with other people, compared to when s/he's talking or being with you? Don't you feel sad? How do you cope with it? Or maybe i'm thinking too much.. this has been bothering me for a long time.

And how do you cope not fitting in at work, without compromising your work life? I hope I can be comfortable in my own skin like some of you.

Hey Blue Yes I have felt what you feel. I still don't know if it's me just overthinking or if my friends at times DO have more 'fun' talking or spending time with other friends than with me. I have pondered about that for a while. After a long period of overthinking and getting all depressed about it, I got sick and tired of this endless cycle and decided that no matter what pleases people, I will not compromise my very self just to please others. If my friends have more fun talking with others, that's fine by me now. I no longer care. Same applies to the not fitting at work part as you mentioned. I had been in your place for years trust me, I know the feeling. At some point you will reach your limits and decide that fitting in, being 'pleasing' or just getting along with everyone is simply NOT worth you compromising yourself. As for the coping part, when I used to care so much about that stuff, I'd cope by doing stuff I liked (drawing, listening to music, taking walks,etc..), or going online and talking with like minded people who would understand me. I hope I could help you. If you need anything else, feel free to pm me

 

[ftfipps]

Have you been with a friend who, looks happier or more comfortable when s/he's talking with other people, compared to when s/he's talking or being with you?.

I have experienced what you speak of. It is very irritating. I feel like, I am very easy to talk/spend time with. Why does this person look frustrated? It has to do with us not getting small talk or not understanding how to climb the social ladder.