What if I like not 'fitting in'?

[SageRose]

I think most people on the spectrum would agree that fitting in has been one of our major stress factors in life. For me it was, for a long time. I didn't really know why I 'had' to fit in, but I felt that I did and I always strived for it...sometimes I was successful and able to mask my difficulties...but that usually meant that I had to act in a ridiculously...'foreign' to me way, far away from who I really was when I felt comfortable or when being in my safe zone. But during the past few years, even before my discovery of my autism, I've realized that I'm just..tired. Tired of trying, of pretending, of being constantly on the edge..tired of not being me. Whatever that is. I've also come to terms with the fact that I never really wanted to fit in, nor do I want to now.

I don't want to change what I'm made of (spectrum and 'asexuality' wise), or to immitate the norm anymore. I'm fine with having Aspergers. I'm happy with it. I'm also happy being sex repulsed. Despite society's general belief that people who are like that must either be mentally sick or previously abused or anything, I don't care. Regardless of any possible mental/emotional challenge or the existence or not of some abuse, I don't mind being asexual and I certainly don't mind having Aspergers. For the first time in my life, I'm comfortable with who I am. 'Fitting in', is not part of my goals. Improving myself and my confidence in who I am, is. Fitting into some societal box that most people of the norm or even most therapists might want, is not.


P.S. Sorry if my English is confusing sometimes, it's not my native language.

 

[Sarah S]

Sage as a BORN outsider from birth let me just say this BE PROUD of who YOU are dear and DONT feel you have to change just to fit in the so caled ord mold, The MOST important person to keep happy is YOU my dear

Oh and dont worry about the language hon were from al over the globe here and yet we managed to understand eatchoder

 

[SageRose]

Sage as a BORN outsider from birth let me just say this BE PROUD of who YOU are dear and DONT feel you have to change just to fit in the so caled ord mold, The MOST important person to keep happy is YOU my dear

Oh and dont worry about the language hon were from al over the globe here and yet we managed to understand eatchoder

Thanks Sarah Nice to know that I agree with you, fitting in is simply not worth the hassle.

 

[oregano]

Yeah, I've decided to be a self-sufficient hermit in the hills and give the middle finger to a world that in my lifetime (I'm 44) has become ever narrower in its definition of "worthy" members of society and ever broader in who is rejected.

I remember when a guy on SSI (disability pension in USA) could easily find an apartment, now nobody will rent to you because "the poor are all criminals" and "poor people trash apartments, they make hash and/or meth on the stove, they cause a ruckus, blah blah blah" and building managers don't look at you as a person but as "worthless poor trash".

There's a popular series of movies in the USA now that depict death squads massacring the poor with the blessing of the govt. The bourgeoisie have come to believe that the poor should be exterminated because they are the cause of their problems.

"Fitting in" here means that you are a billionaire hedge fund manager or technology superstar and you have all sorts of material things, houses around the world that you fly to in your private jet. If you don't have money you are trash. I plan to be far away from the cities when the death squads show up.

 

[Misery]

I never bothered to fit in from the start.

Highschool in particular taught me that the way most people tend to act is... not very good. Half of society IS fitting in, even if it means doing fantastically stupid things like drinking a lot and making an idiot of yourself (because this is "social" somehow) or having 200 totally fake friends that don't actually give a crap about you. Or having a "relationship" just for show. Oh and let's not forget POLITICS. I hate politics with a passion fueled by darkest flame (okay, too much caffeine I've had, if I came up with that just now). Yet it's THE subject most people want to ramble about. Accomplishes nothing in most cases (unless getting me to throw something at them is what they want, then it definitely accomplishes something), but if you don't know lots about it, you must be an idiot or a hermit or something.

Or a million other things. I mean seriously, there's an alarming amount of stupid out there. If I did a facepalm strong enough to do it all justice, the resulting shockwave would blow out a wall.

I look at this society overall... and am just disgusted by it. Don't WANT to fit in. Never did, never will.

Honestly, I'm bloody strange to most and fully aware of it. I do boatloads of weird things all the time. And I figure, if people don't like it... well, tough. Tough for them, that is.

The really sad thing is, that most people are "weird" in the same way, deep down... but they've been conditioned to hide who they really are because the all-important hivemind says they need to. They either join the herd of sheep, and do what everyone else does, or they get thrown out. Ridiculous and indeed, quite sad.


I have very few friends, and many people out there would find that to be bad... but those that I do have accept me for who I really am, no matter how utterly bizarre I get. That's way more valuable than "fitting in".

Good grief, I'm typing at like, Mach 5 over here. Maybe drinking the entire bottle of Mountain Dew was a bit much.

 

[Nervous Rex]

I think you made a wise decision. "Fitting in" is usually done to make others happy. But if you're not happy, it doesn't matter how happy you're making those around you.

Now, if you're happy with who you are and want to fit in for the sake of other benefits to yourself, that's another story. E.g. for me, gainful employment is a good reason to fit in.

 

[inkfingers]

It is fine to not fit in. In fact, I like being different. I think that eccentric people are more interesting, and also, it takes too much effort to "blend in". Good for you for being happy with your personality.

 

[china autie]

Fitting in is too hard for me. I have concluded that I cannot do it well anyways.

There is something about unmasking and deciding which goals are my goals.

Society has entirely too much to say (here I am excluding any non-autistics on this site because you are cool and understand more about autism than the average person cares to) about who we are and how we have to cut off our sharp edges.

I am who and what I am. I am done with being a foreigner to myself.

 

[George Newman]

Thanks Sarah Nice to know that I agree with you, fitting in is simply not worth the hassle.

Would you agree that women have an enormous amount of pressure focused on them to fit in, to look a certain way; that in doing so validation occurs?

Am I talking about the same type of fitting in? The pressure seem to be too much.

Its a lie! Do not believe this lie. Am I thinking correctly?

 

[Fino]

It never occurred to me to pretend in anyway or "mask" or anything. I think I wish it had! If only not "fitting in" didn't result in violence as a kid/teenager. I did stop talking, for the most part, for a while, to avoid drawing attention to myself. Is that a form of masking?

 

[Sherlock77]

@SageRose I'm a single male, mid 40's, and have never really tried to fit in, long before I figured out my self-diagnosis...

I don't hermit like many Aspies do, spend most of my spare time in the inner city taking photos and taking in the arts scene, but being myself, take it or leave it, the arts scene is full of odd people anyway...

And I know exactly what you mean

 

[Pats]

Hi SageRose. I agree - I don't think I thought it was that important to fit in and I actually liked being different. I think with me, it was always more, just not letting anyone see my weaknesses or pain. I was always a 'loner' and would tell people that. But I did put on an act about pretending things didn't bother me. I've been trying to work on being me with no masking of any type. Sunday a couple things were said and I literally felt that defensive mask come over me to pretend, all is fine, nothing bothered me, smile and just try to get away as soon as I can.
I remember my daughter once asking when I was going to work during the day and be like a normal mom and I said, "but I'm not a normal mom". I just didn't realize at the time that I was making an accurate statement.

 

[Judge]

Being retired and living in near-isolation, I feel no real urge or need to fit in much of anywhere any more.

I gave up my one social outlet a few years ago, belonging to a plastic modelling club. At some point I just realized I wasn't getting anything out of it other than pushing myself to be social when and where it no longer seemed to matter.

But yeah, when I was gainfully employed and forced to maintain a nominal social profile I did what I had to in maintaining good relations with coworkers and clients.

 

[Shamar]

I think most people on the spectrum would agree that fitting in has been one of our major stress factors in life. For me it was, for a long time. I didn't really know why I 'had' to fit in, but I felt that I did and I always strived for it...sometimes I was successful and able to mask my difficulties...but that usually meant that I had to act in a ridiculously...'foreign' to me way, far away from who I really was when I felt comfortable or when being in my safe zone. But during the past few years, even before my discovery of my autism, I've realized that I'm just..tired. Tired of trying, of pretending, of being constantly on the edge..tired of not being me. Whatever that is. I've also come to terms with the fact that I never really wanted to fit in, nor do I want to now.

I don't want to change what I'm made of (spectrum and 'asexuality' wise), or to immitate the norm anymore. I'm fine with having Aspergers. I'm happy with it. I'm also happy being sex repulsed. Despite society's general belief that people who are like that must either be mentally sick or previously abused or anything, I don't care. Regardless of any possible mental/emotional challenge or the existence or not of some abuse, I don't mind being asexual and I certainly don't mind having Aspergers. For the first time in my life, I'm comfortable with who I am. 'Fitting in', is not part of my goals. Improving myself and my confidence in who I am, is. Fitting into some societal box that most people of the norm or even most therapists might want, is not.

P.S. Sorry if my English is confusing sometimes, it's not my native language.

Congratulations! You have succeeded in overcoming one of the great problems of autism: the societal demand that you fit the social norm. By accepting this you have achieved an independence that frees you to be yourself. I spent many years trying to fit in (and failing miserably) until I realized I was only opposing myself. It was only some years later that I was diagnosed and everything fell into place. Be yourself, follow your inclinations, and don't let society dictate terms to you.

 

[SusanLR]

I never cared about fitting in or what people thought of it until it came to a career.
My life has been very well described as @Judge described his.
I learned to mask well for business sake.
Now that I am retired it doesn't matter and I have no urge to be social for the sake of trying to fit that
ideal.

 

[OlLiE]

whether you are on the spectrum or not,
once you realise that there is no need to fit in with the faceless masses,
that you need to just accept yourself as you are,
maybe have one or two friends,
life becomes so much easier

 

[Progster]

I like the way I am, I like that I'm different and do my own thing and don't follow the herd, and always have done, though when I was younger I thought it was necessary to fit in to get a nd keep a job. I always try to be polite and respectful to people, but beyond that I don't try to change who I am to suit them. The problem isn't with my being different, the problem is with people not accepting and being hostile towards those who are different.

 

[Suzanne]

I have always been too perplexed to what is going on with me ie why girls/women treat me different from others, to be bothered with fitting in lol

I live in France ( not a native) and they tend to not smile and wear bland colours ( outside of Paris) and I am the complete opposite! I LOVE colours and prefer to be friendly over ......! So, therefore, I am automatically not fitting in and that is fine by me.

 

[SageRose]

I never bothered to fit in from the start.

Highschool in particular taught me that the way most people tend to act is... not very good. Half of society IS fitting in, even if it means doing fantastically stupid things like drinking a lot and making an idiot of yourself (because this is "social" somehow) or having 200 totally fake friends that don't actually give a crap about you. Or having a "relationship" just for show. Oh and let's not forget POLITICS. I hate politics with a passion fueled by darkest flame (okay, too much caffeine I've had, if I came up with that just now). Yet it's THE subject most people want to ramble about. Accomplishes nothing in most cases (unless getting me to throw something at them is what they want, then it definitely accomplishes something), but if you don't know lots about it, you must be an idiot or a hermit or something.

Or a million other things. I mean seriously, there's an alarming amount of stupid out there. If I did a facepalm strong enough to do it all justice, the resulting shockwave would blow out a wall.

I look at this society overall... and am just disgusted by it. Don't WANT to fit in. Never did, never will.

Honestly, I'm bloody strange to most and fully aware of it. I do boatloads of weird things all the time. And I figure, if people don't like it... well, tough. Tough for them, that is.

The really sad thing is, that most people are "weird" in the same way, deep down... but they've been conditioned to hide who they really are because the all-important hivemind says they need to. They either join the herd of sheep, and do what everyone else does, or they get thrown out. Ridiculous and indeed, quite sad.


I have very few friends, and many people out there would find that to be bad... but those that I do have accept me for who I really am, no matter how utterly bizarre I get. That's way more valuable than "fitting in".

Good grief, I'm typing at like, Mach 5 over here. Maybe drinking the entire bottle of Mountain Dew was a bit much.

Can I just say I loved your entire comment from start to the end? It's like imagining all you've writen, said in my voice lol. Thank you, I completely agree. I used to try to fit in with the girls when I was in high school and every time I'd do it, I felt so ridiculous and out of myself, it was almost sickening. I'm glad I'm past this phase. And the stupidity part is spot on. If people actually knew the things I think of their their behaviors and their stereotypes, I have a feeling that the people who would still greet me in the streets would be counted in one hand lol.

 

[SageRose]

Would you agree that women have an enormous amount of pressure focused on them to fit in, to look a certain way; that in doing so validation occurs?

Am I talking about the same type of fitting in? The pressure seem to be too much.

Its a lie! Do not believe this lie. Am I thinking correctly?

The truth is that the social pressure on women tends to often be too much yes. Especially on women on the spectrum whose autism isn't really obvious. No matter how eccentric a woman is, society always tends to expect things from her, and I don't mean just relationship and kids. I mean even the smallest things like, smiling much more than a guy, being very 'warm' , not minding hugs, being more gossipy,etc.. But I no longer care. I won't bother fitting into any of those models anyway and people will simply get used to my refusal to have a relationship. The only way for me to have a 'relationship', is a relationship of the 'mind' as Sheldon would say, with a guy who is also not interested in or repulsed by sex and of course accepts me as I am.