Should I be angry?

[Cogs Of My Cranium]

I found out about my aspergers at 27 and I mentioned this word aspergers to my dad who has a severely autistic brother. My words were, 'There's this thing called aspergers' to which he replied he knew this word and I said 'Well I think I have it' Then my dad said 'You do yes'. He then went on to tell me things I would do as a baby and a child and that he always knew I was on the spectrum.

At the time I wasn't angry that this was kept from me all my life and that no help or anything was done in schools for me etc, etc. When I mentioned this to my counsellor last year I said I was 'kinda pissed off' about it but I was still unsure whether I should be angry or not at the time. Her immediate reply was 'You should be pissed off.'

I didn't see the purpose of being angry. However in recent times I've become more unsure and confused about whether I should be angry.....or that really I have been angry for a long time and that I've been suppressing it about this subject. As I write this my feelings are angry towards my dad to be quite honest. Aspies value honesty and I just don't think I had honesty in this regard.

It makes me very sad that I spent all of my growing up thinking I was different but didn't know what/why and trying to change things about myself that couldn't be changed and I didn't know why yet someone else did.

I would appreciate any advice about how to raise this issue/whether I should/how would you also feel?/ how should I feel/vent about all this...any thoughts really.

 

[Judge]

I would first ask your parents for a concise explanation of exactly why they chose to keep this from you. But I understand where you're coming from.

In growing up my own parents knew that I was somehow "different". They did what they could to have it investigated, but at the time it was another 20 years before Dr. Asperger's research was absorbed into the medical community. So at the time the few doctors who examined me thought I was "fine" and sent my on my way. I didn't figure it out until I was in my mid 50s.

Am I pissed off? No, not really. But yes, a bit sad. Wondering if my life might have been a little better had I had self-awareness earlier when it might have benefited me far more than now.

 

[Naturalist]

I think it isn't unhealthy to acknowledge your anger and frustration. Emotions aren't governed by what "should" be, they are what they are and they are always triggered by something you shouldn't disregard.

But you might bear in mind that many parents don't want their children to feel limited by a diagnosis--they want them to find their way in the world uninhibited by labels or "excuses" or the prejudice of others. It's done out of love, but whether or not it is helpful is quite variable from one individual to the next. Your father may have wanted you to reach this realization on your own, at an age when you are old enough to understand the implications of it. It may have been his intention to give you this, as one might give a gift. It might help you to work through your anger if you could somehow confirm that your father's intentions were loving, regardless of whether or not they were helpful in the end.

 

[Rayner]

I'm sure your dad did the best he could, he may not have been completely sure if you were never tested as a child. So he didn't want to tell you something that could be wrong, just because of his experience with your uncle. I wouldn't spent what time you have left your dad holding a grudge against him for a mistake he made, especially one he can't change. What about everything he did to help you grow up? Both my parents are still alive. My father lost his mother(my grandma) when he was 36, he told me he wished he hadn't squandered what time he had with her over relatively unimportant things. I understand why you would be upset, I would strongly recommend forgiving him, if you do your relationship with your dad will be the same if not better. Does that all make sense?

 

[Jimbo]

I agree with the above statements. Your parents probably didn't want you to feel like you were a person who was not capable of doing things or having problems with self esteem knowing that you are different. I wouldn't be angry, just curious. I'm don't know how old you are but when I was in school there really wasn't any help available so it wouldn't have mattered much anyways if I had known.

 

[Walsie]

I don't think there is any 'should' on how you feel. It's what you do with it you can control.

My situation is similar to yours. I was diagnosed at 12 months that 'something was wrong with me', and when I asked if it were autism a few years ago, she replied in the affirmative. I was vexed, too; cos even in my teen years I suspected it was the reason why I was 'defective', but it never occurred to me to ask before because all the 'evidence' and literature pointed to boys, Rain Men, and particularly intelligent people (aspies), of which I was none.

I said nothing to my mother because I understand her reasoning. (Too, she would have gotten defensive; no point getting into an argument with a narcissist.) She did what she could to make me as normal as possible with proper intervention, such as special cognitive and motor exercises specified by the doctor, putting me in mainstream school, getting me speech therapy and pushing me to get a job at 14. My theory is that back in the day, 'autism' was a 'symptom' of 'refrigerator mother syndrome', something to be ashamed of and my mother acted accordingly, hiding me whenever we had visitors, for example. Too, she is a narcissist (possibly on the spectrum, on top of that), and in her view, it's all about her, and what people would think.

I agree with the person above who stated it's possible your dad wanted you to find out for yourself because of what labels could do. I don't know your dad; only you can figure out what his motivations were; whether it was about you, or about him.

I was glad to get the closure, but am still working on having to grow up believing I was defective and stupid, that I can't 'cope'. I still don't understand why she told me off once for mimicking other people instead of being myself, when being myself was 'something wrong' and 'not normal'.

 

[unsurewhattoname]

Similar situation for me. My parents have said they've always known. I do feel frustrated they didn't get me evaluated as a toddler and that it took me until this year to know. They thought I was borderline autistic and that I was just into the normal range and just outside the autistic range. I wish they'd have found out then.

 

[Mia]

I likely would not have been angry if my parents had kept the 'autism' diagnosis from me. In my era, anyone with any sort of disability of any type was placed in a 'special' class. Not only would I not have received an adequate education if placed in those classes, I would have been treated very differently by society. As it was no allowances were made for the sensory difficulties I had, so I lived in the regular world without strictures.

 

[ancusmitis]

If my parents knew and hadn't told me I would be very upset. I was already getting kicked out of preschools before I was diagnosed and when we moved to Knoxville I was basically put in a classroom run by terrorists. Imagine not having any reason why I was being treated like this.

Hiding somebody's diagnosis from them is a seriously rotten thing to do. Imagine if it had been an infectious illness instead of autism. Would anyone have thought it was okay?

 

[Abe1]

I think you have every right to be angry, However try not to be angry with your dad, he only did what he thought best in the situation.

 

[SingaSong]

Could you talk to your father about why he didn't press for you to be diagnosed? your father has heard of aspergers now but did he know about it/were people with your traits recognised as on the spectrum by professionals when you were young? (If your father suspected you needed help but there was none available maybe he didn't want you to have a label when it didn't lead to help or people being more understanding.)

I believe no one can tell you how you should or shouldn't feel or emotions. I'm quite surprised that any therapist said it - The ones I've seen have said things like "being angry/pissed off is acceptable or being angry is ok".

Then comes the question about what to do about those feelings.
In my opinion that depends a lot on your current relationship with your father. If you get on OK and feel comfortable you could tell him about your feelings. Alternatively you could write a letter to him or maybe you could help yourself understand your feelings by writing them down even if your tell your father about the feelings.

 

[Cogs Of My Cranium]

Thank you for the replies. I don't blame my dad really. Sigh. I certainly think the schools should have noticed or done something. I guess like a lot of anger, it's about choosing whether to blame an individual or an institution. Both have their pros and cons in directing your blame on them. Perhaps I should have explicitly asked for help a hell of a lot more as well as people aren't mind readers.