People squish me. (seeking advice)

[Rodafina]

I’m working on being happy. I’m not aiming for permanent bliss. I just want to find enough happiness to support the theory that it’s worth it to face each day and worth it to be alive.

So here’s an issue where I could use some counsel – when I am alone, the music is great, I spend time cooking healthy meals and enjoy the process. I move with confidence, I use my body exactly how I want to. My thoughts come into the processing factory, go through the convoluted maze and come out the other side.

So, sounds like I am doing well, when I read that back. But, the presence of any human being during any of these processes is so distracting and disregulating that it throws me off course. The best I can describe it is it feels like I simply cannot think straight when another person is physically there. When people just pass through my space, when they look at me, when they dare to try to chitchat about trivial things, everything goes out of whack and suddenly I am once again just a lost and confused little girl, drifting out to sea because that’s the only place I can think of that is quiet and no one will bother me.

In moments when I can break through the depression and face the day with hope, it only takes walking into one other person before I am completely squished, unable to keep hope alive. Like a lovely steamed bun, fresh out of the bamboo basket, the air inside is the will to fight, but it gets squished out so easily. I desire to be around people or at least I desire to be able to be around them, but I feel like they just squish me.

Note: I would add that these people that I am alluding to are lovely people, simply existing themselves, they did not actually persecute me.

I don’t understand how to be around another human being and still be myself.

 

[Tom]

Literal thinker that I am, the very first thought that came to mind was to shore up those buns with some sort of reinforcing supports.

But I know that's not what you mean and I experience a very similar mental disruption at the intrusion of another person. I do not believe it is normally as severe, but on occasion I am momentarily very disorientated. I might lose track of what I was doing, what we were talking about and even something (humorously) approaching not knowing who they are for a few seconds. It doesn't happen with my dogs though. I always know exactly who they are.

In trying to work out how I handle it, I am not sure yet and would have to think about it.

But two things came to mind quickly. One is that I think I have different operating modes. One for when alone, one for with another person, another when in groups, etc. As long as I have sufficient time to prepare and transistion between them things go pretty smooth. But if they change without warning or too quick I am very out of sorts. So much so that in the past I might even eject out, considering the situation untenable. But I have over time realized that is more my choice and bailing isn't really necessary. Making the mental adjustment can be done.

Another factor, perhaps along the lines of a coping mechanism is humor. I am not particulary proud in person and don't mind outing myself as scatter brained. So if I stumble mentally I can joke about it and be self effacing. This helps avoid others feeling uncomfortable as I gather my wits.

 

[Alaric593]

I’m working on being happy. I’m not aiming for permanent bliss. I just want to find enough happiness to support the theory that it’s worth it to face each day and worth it to be alive.

So here’s an issue where I could use some counsel – when I am alone, the music is great, I spend time cooking healthy meals and enjoy the process. I move with confidence, I use my body exactly how I want to. My thoughts come into the processing factory, go through the convoluted maze and come out the other side.

So, sounds like I am doing well, when I read that back. But, the presence of any human being during any of these processes is so distracting and disregulating that it throws me off course. The best I can describe it is it feels like I simply cannot think straight when another person is physically there. When people just pass through my space, when they look at me, when they dare to try to chitchat about trivial things, everything goes out of whack and suddenly I am once again just a lost and confused little girl, drifting out to sea because that’s the only place I can think of that is quiet and no one will bother me.

In moments when I can break through the depression and face the day with hope, it only takes walking into one other person before I am completely squished, unable to keep hope alive. Like a lovely steamed bun, fresh out of the bamboo basket, the air inside is the will to fight, but it gets squished out so easily. I desire to be around people or at least I desire to be able to be around them, but I feel like they just squish me.

Note: I would add that these people that I am alluding to are lovely people, simply existing themselves, they did not actually persecute me.

I don’t understand how to be around another human being and still be myself.

We can never think ourselves out of a problem that requires doing. Repeated long term exposure. To do, is to be.

I've read a few of your posts where you've said you try to remain invisible and hide so that's become your comfort zone even if it's related to ASD initially, now you're dealing with a habit on top of inclination.

For any trait we admire or abhor in others it's there because they've done it repeatedly. It's become second nature. But it wasn't easy the first, second, third, fourth or even fifth time.

A person has courage because they've repeatedly done courageous things.
A person has Honor because they do Honorable things.
If a person is a skilled public speaker, they've repeatedly spoken in public.

You have anxiety around people because you've always tried to hide from people, generally successfully. If you don't want that level of anxiety around people, you have to expose yourself to people for increasingly longer periods of time. I assume you become so flustered because your habit is to hide but you can't

To have any skill, we must hone the skill by doing it.

Like I may not ever be able to completely control my manifested rage, I can gain better control through various actions to mitigate it when I feel it coming.

You might not ever be able to not have no anxiety around people, but it can be made better through repeated exposure for increasingly longer periods of time.

 

[Atrapa Almas]

I’m working on being happy. I’m not aiming for permanent bliss. I just want to find enough happiness to support the theory that it’s worth it to face each day and worth it to be alive.

So here’s an issue where I could use some counsel – when I am alone, the music is great, I spend time cooking healthy meals and enjoy the process. I move with confidence, I use my body exactly how I want to. My thoughts come into the processing factory, go through the convoluted maze and come out the other side.

So, sounds like I am doing well, when I read that back. But, the presence of any human being during any of these processes is so distracting and disregulating that it throws me off course. The best I can describe it is it feels like I simply cannot think straight when another person is physically there. When people just pass through my space, when they look at me, when they dare to try to chitchat about trivial things, everything goes out of whack and suddenly I am once again just a lost and confused little girl, drifting out to sea because that’s the only place I can think of that is quiet and no one will bother me.

In moments when I can break through the depression and face the day with hope, it only takes walking into one other person before I am completely squished, unable to keep hope alive. Like a lovely steamed bun, fresh out of the bamboo basket, the air inside is the will to fight, but it gets squished out so easily. I desire to be around people or at least I desire to be able to be around them, but I feel like they just squish me.

Note: I would add that these people that I am alluding to are lovely people, simply existing themselves, they did not actually persecute me.

I don’t understand how to be around another human being and still be myself.

You have done a very good step by talking about it. Just doing that you will get a lot of awarenes to what is happening inside you.

There are 2 ideas that come to my mind:

1: Sensory stuff. So I wonder if that interference would also happen if instead of humans you would be with cats, dogs or other animals that could move arround, make noises, and cause sensory distraction.

2: Emotional stuff. If the problem is not sensory, then "feeling observed and judged" is what comes to my mind. Maybe you could work properly if you did not care of what those people think about you. That scenary block happens to a lot of people. Usually not in their homes with their family, but when talking in public or being video recorded. If that is the case, the same techniques that people use to overcome those blocks should help you. Also therapy could be of help, there may be unhealed scars from your past if you have that emotional problems.

 

[Rodafina]

Thank you all for your thoughts. It is very helpful and also a lot to take in and process.

@Tom, I do need scaffolding to hold me up! The reinforcing support will hopefully be some advice that I get here.

the same techniques that people use to overcome those blocks should help you

This is very valuable thinking for me.

Agreed that therapy is in order - currently on a new trajectory there. I have been up and down the therapy paths many times over the years. Will certainly continue there.

@Alaric593, I am actually quite anxious that you are right – I find the problems that I can think my way out of much easier to overcome. Action is difficult for me.

 

[Alaric593]

Thank you all for your thoughts. It is very helpful and also a lot to take in and process.

@Tom, I do need scaffolding to hold me up! The reinforcing support will hopefully be some advice that I get here.


This is very valuable thinking for me.

Agreed that therapy is in order - currently on a new trajectory there. I have been up and down the therapy paths many times over the years. Will certainly continue there.

@Alaric593, I am actually quite anxious that you are right – I find the problems that I can think my way out of much easier to overcome. Action is difficult for me.

Does what happens when you're flustered happen even with people you trust, assuming you do have trust in people?

 

[Rodafina]

Does what happens when you're flustered happen even with people you trust, assuming you do have trust in people?

Yes.

 

[Alaric593]

Yes.

If you do decide to use exposure, start with one person that you trust and will spend x amount of time with you just there, but not engaging you and go about your day in the house. Take everything as slow as possible, stopping to gather yourself as needed. When you do gather yourself enough, keep going.

Scale up by time as you see improvement then later on if you see great improvement, you can scale up by amount of people.

I helped a friend of mine get over her over the top nervous system reaction to ants in a similar manner. She had a nervous breakdown when my wife and I were visiting over finding ants in her cupboard.

Her and her husband were trying for children which being a father I knew she had to get over this because children play outside and ants are everywhere.

I bought her an ant farm to place in her front room so they were there, but couldn't get to her. When she no longer had anxiety about them there, then had her move it to the kitchen, then bathroom to be in close quarters, then bedroom so she had to sleep in the same room and finally she was able to let them crawl on her.

The military is entirely exposure therapy based. It's an extreme form, but it's the same premise. It works.

 

[Knower of nothing]

I feel you. I wish I had advice.
I've lived with my family for longer than I have been conscious. I trust them, I like them, I see them every single day. I break if I have to share space with them for too long. An hour of conversation takes like 6 hours of rest. A presence in the same room turns down the competency knobs to 0.2. If I want to go do something but know a person is in that room, I'll often wait until they aren't, or force myself and feel worse afterwards. I go out of my way to meet with friends but fall asleep from exhaustion the second the meeting is done with, if they ask for more in a short time I have to start pushing people away. I fought for the sanctity of my private space, somewhere I could finally relax, without it I'd have to succumb to a life of constant pressure for no pay off. To be alone is the luxury of shutting down the activity of several social senses which for me just get overstimulated really easily. It's equivalent to being given a volume slider and not have to hear everything shouting in your ear all the time, is just not good for you and I do think exposure to that will just give you a headache.

 

[Slim Jim]

I would love to be walking down the street, and somebody to squish... oh you mean emotionally...uh yeah.. just need more acclimatization . I'm comfortable around most people. Wether it's 1 person or a crowd of 50 people. Only time I can think I would be bothered is if they were threatening in some way. The less familiar I am with people, the more subdued or restrained I might be, as strangers, you're still just getting to know them, so your body language might not be all that expressive. But then I can be more expressive, when I stop being self-conscious, or i'm making a point, or feel a bit more passion about something, feel I have to explain something, Or feel I'm put on the spot, start waving my hands about (gesticulation) and that's when I know I'm being 100% myself, unrestrained. Cause Self-consciousness, at that point is overridden, but then I can slip back into a more reserved mode. It's really spontaneous on any given day, any given moment, what my mood might be. And that determines heavily my composure around other people. And it varies. It sounds like you need to display more self assertiveness.

 

[Atrapa Almas]

If you do decide to use exposure, start with one person that you trust and will spend x amount of time with you just there, but not engaging you and go about your day in the house. Take everything as slow as possible, stopping to gather yourself as needed. When you do gather yourself enough, keep going.

Scale up by time as you see improvement then later on if you see great improvement, you can scale up by amount of people.

I helped a friend of mine get over her over the top nervous system reaction to ants in a similar manner. She had a nervous breakdown when my wife and I were visiting over finding ants in her cupboard.

Her and her husband were trying for children which being a father I knew she had to get over this because children play outside and ants are everywhere.

I bought her an ant farm to place in her front room so they were there, but couldn't get to her. When she no longer had anxiety about them there, then had her move it to the kitchen, then bathroom to be in close quarters, then bedroom so she had to sleep in the same room and finally she was able to let them crawl on her.

The military is entirely exposure therapy based. It's an extreme form, but it's the same premise. It works.

You can even start with a picture of that person. An audio of that person coming from the picture. A video of that person. An audio call from that person (like free hands). A videoconference from that person (were that person is doing their things in a different room).

All those are smaller steps that being exposed to the person directly.

 

[Aspychata]

Yes, l want to wave a magic wand over your head, and say ta-da, you are cured, now frolic in peace.

I truthfully feel l fight this all the time. I don't feel comfortable after x amount of hours and l need to crawl away and hibernate in just emptiness with my thoughts, like recharge my battery. I believe that's why many of us complain about not having friends or love interests, but others complain about only handling so much time with others before our brain explodes. Now l have a guest staying, and l take time to myself, and for them so that we have our down time to recharge.

But l like the squish idea. I can see being stuck too long with many people and screaming, stop squishing me. I am not a lemon. When l was younger, I had a very low threshold for people. It has become better. However it doesn't mean l like it any better. I do tolerate others, but being alone is paramount to the equation.

 

[paloftoon]

One thing that helps me personally is to plan. Plan to do something that sometimes may be "out of your wheelhouse." Have a backup. If the social situation isn't working for you, tell people you have to go. If people ask why, just tell them there are personal reasons that do not involve them. Go to a place, even if it's an activity to do on your own elsewhere, to enjoy your day if the originally planned activity isn't working as you hoped. Always good to try when you can.

 

[Rodafina]

It sounds like you need to display more self assertiveness.

This is definitely true.

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I would say it’s a messy mix of emotional (anxiety/rejection sensitive), sensory (touch, smells), and confusion over conversation dynamics (when someone is there, there is a chance they will talk to you).

Dogs and animals do not have this effect on me. All humans, so far, have this distracting and deflating effect on me in real life.

Thanks again for your thoughts, y’all. It is giving me some helpful ways to think about how to change this.