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Knower of nothing
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  • Gradual realization that I tend to deny many of my own desires because they're not admirable. It's not quite the jungian shadow, but I will attempt to integrate myself with these denied feelings and become more honest.
    To conclude this trilogy: The social interaction and tension leading up to it both overstimulated me and pre-occupied me enough that I forgot to eat so now I'm still up at 5 am having cereal. Autism is a bit of a dramaqueen condition sometimes.
    Knower of nothing
    Knower of nothing
    Had a ton of fun in fact yeah, first time in a while meeting some new people and they were lovely.
    Luca
    Luca
    I'm very happy to hear that! And every time I see you post something, it makes me smile, because you dedicated a song to me that time :) That still means a lot to me.
    Knower of nothing
    Knower of nothing
    That makes me very happy, it's one of my favorite things to do :)
    I need some courage of my own or I miss out on an upcoming social event. Always such a hit to my pride to have to pull someone aside and explain that I require extra accomodation to be able to enjoy something. Making such demands sometimes makes me think it's best I leave it to myself and don't join in.
    11 days into lethargy phase, been on the walk back out of the pit since yesterday. Predicting back to neutral in 1-2 days (slightly optimistic)
    Knower of nothing
    Knower of nothing
    Overall it wasn't quite as bad. More exhaustion than turmoil. Even saw some benefits in creative energy and capacity for meditation. While still unpleasant, this is at a level where I'd consider it livable. At least with the amount of assistance I get, were I to live alone or have a job I can't imagine the disruptive force it'd have.
    I am slightly shook, big political events going on. The source of this anxiety seems to be the knowledge that both sides will lead to ruin.
    Slim Jim
    Slim Jim
    Mutually assured destruction.
    Knower of nothing
    Knower of nothing
    Aye, but not the inevitable kind that we can find peace through resignation in. It's the complex web of decisions interacting that has a right solution buried under human flaw. Terrifying stuff, highly confrontational and not good for sleep.
    Slim Jim
    Slim Jim
    I sleep like a baby. Apart from the times I have broken sleep cause the pressure of life gets to me. Then I sleep like a drug addict.

    But yeah I hear ya. Politics is such a drag. We're just cogs in the machine. This clockwork monstrosity.
    Great family gathering tomorrow to mark a century since the birth of my grandpa (though he has passed away).
    Callistemon
    Callistemon
    Really articulate by then and grown-up; and he remembered what he was thinking for every event his mother related, from around age 3. So he could give us the inside view in retrospect, and there was tons going on where many onlookers thought there was very little.
    Callistemon
    Callistemon
    What happened to the thick glass wall?
    Knower of nothing
    Knower of nothing
    Yeah that's interesting. Though I was constantly thinking as a kid as well, it was in a very isolated way. Tunnel visioned on who knows what. My mother tells me stories of how I would examine ants on the ground and then eventually forget where I was and get lost. Perhaps it was that classic "in my own world" behavior that leads to the strangely distant memories of the people and places from back then.
    Seems the stress caught up with me today in the form of an insecurity driven anxiety burst. Oh well, time for another one of those breaks.
    Knower of nothing
    Knower of nothing
    Took a breather, returned for a short bit to explain what's going on and that I'll be taking a social break. Assured them it's not their fault, they assured me I wasn't annoying for causing that kind of hassle now and then. And here we are. The anxiety lies to me and says all kinds of things are wrong still, but I know better. I'll be back soon.
    Luca
    Luca
    Telling people with anxiety to just “calm down” is really invalidating :( I’m sorry you had an awkward conversation with your friend but I’m glad they tried to understand. And I’m sorry you’re feeling stressed :( I also have really bad anxiety and it can really burn people out!
    Hope you can do some nice things for yourself over the next few days and regain some peace of mind :)
    Luca
    Luca
    Doing something creative always helps me!
    When I think of Belgium I think of chocolate seashells and of a very courageous tennis player of small stature who got hit in the eye with a ball a while back...
    Callistemon
    Callistemon
    Oh, that's lovely that you have such a beautiful place near you to walk in! We are near the coast on the West Australian South Coast and some of our places look similar, around our coastal wetlands. "Albany Western Australia" yields nice images on a search. ;)
    Knower of nothing
    Knower of nothing
    Waah, the beaches. I'm jealous haha
    Callistemon
    Callistemon
    They are amazing beaches, spectacular landscape. One reason husband and I moved here! :) Rather live here and eat lentils, than live elsewhere and eat truffles or whatever...
    I do suppose the idea that people can decide for themselves what to do is a bit scary. Perhaps I didn't preface sensitive material enough.
    Atrapa Almas
    Atrapa Almas
    Pm me if you want?
    Callistemon
    Callistemon
    I second what @Loren said and I did read those posts. I like hearing from you on the forum, @Knower of nothing. You're thoughtful and come across kind. And difficult things also need to be discussed honestly, so thank you for that.
    Knower of nothing
    Knower of nothing
    I think I probably got too scared too quickly seeing things I wrote deleted, but it seems it was more about where I was writing rather than what. Thanks a lot for the kind words everyone. Silver lining: I put the feelings in a sappy 3 minute chiptune composition that will probably show up somewhere soon.
    I only slept 5 hours but somehow had an awesome (if tired) day. In fact now that today is over there's some awesome-residue for you to have.
    Praying for my best friend that the ear drops and moving to a less stressful location lightens the tinnitus a bit. I don't want to lose him.
    Luca
    Luca
    Praying for you and your friend!!
    working with this organization called OLO to get myself a bit more independent from my family, mainly in regards to food
    Knower of nothing
    Knower of nothing
    I have a very restrictive diet and cooking is rather stressful, so the options are sadly a bit limited. It'll likely end up being some assistant. Hope I can adjust because the topic makes me sad with the spotlight it shines on my inability.
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