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Knower of nothing
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  • Still in the burnout, however no outburst seems to be coming. Mindfulness seems to almost completely block it from happening, like how you can't subconsciously stim if you focus. Granted I've been resting up.
    Knower of nothing
    Knower of nothing
    My mother had such an event after exhaustion hospitalized her. Never fully got back to her energy after that. An important, if sad, bit of context is that humans aren't built to last to begin with. From the ground up we come packaged with processes that will decay us, stress or not. Will becomes more important than ability.
    Atrapa Almas
    Atrapa Almas
    Well, I have yet to see 80 years old machinery working properly with their initial mechanisms... I would say we do last quite a lot for an Ape.

    One notices better how much we do last when they have to live with pain or a handicap. Take care.
    Knower of nothing
    Knower of nothing
    You too friend.
    I re-read an old short story of mine from 3 years ago. It's the most explicitly written-during-burnout story I have. It's so aggressively against the very idea of feeling things at all. Made me a bit sad. I'm also sad that I still understand it. I almost shut down so I had to put some topics off-limits today, even with my partner. I don't want to think about it right now.
    Knower of nothing
    Knower of nothing
    Mid-point of a burnout for me always comes after the previously mentioned surface level symptoms start to wear me down and I get more emotional strain. It's the sad period. Characterized by a stronger need for isolation and wanting to disappear. Tendency to stay in bed, in room, lights off, blinds closed, shutting yourself off from people and not wanting to talk.
    Another exhaustion period (woo!)
    Same rookie mistake as usual, casually overstepped my boundaries by chasing what I want to do and thus end up sabotaging myself far more than if I paced myself a little. Will we ever learn? Maybe once my spirit cools off a little. But while the fire still roars, I don't really mind tripping up like this that much.
    Knower of nothing
    Knower of nothing
    As part of documenting the burnout though here's the symptoms:
    Perpetual tiredness, tendency to deep dive into escapism or similar intimate comforts to shut out anything else, noticable drop in quality of communication (become more blunt and stand-offish, less patience). And of course what I personally use as the tell-tale sign: neglecting self-maintenance.
    Aspychata
    Aspychata
    That's me. You did a excellent job describing this. And me. Omg. Dive into escapism by endless internet surfing, endless sleeping, and whatever else.
    I have luxurious accomodation to the point I don't actually often get to interact with people as they are. I'm always being accounted for, considered. A problem to solve, to manage, to keep track of. I am often more a pet to my family than a person. Something they need to think of when they want to go do something. To make sure I'm kept fed and taken on the occasional walk.
    Shaddock
    Shaddock
    IMO you´re never fully independent as long as you live with your parents, no matter what age. for me it is really important to decide over my own apartment, no matter how tiny it is, that I´m the master of my own apartment and can decide what I want, when I go to supermarket, what I buy, when I clean it, when I want to be alone and when I invite others. that I have this self-government.
    Knower of nothing
    Knower of nothing
    I can't be independent so whether it's with parents or others doesn't really make a difference. At least parents are a friendly face.
    Nor do I value independence all that much. It really is just the absence of genuine interaction irking me. I get my fair share online though.
    Knower of nothing
    Knower of nothing
    Ultimately I should probably have a good cry about it and then get over myself. Wealth lies in surplus and the easiest path to surplus is the lack of want.
    Boyfriend has covid. Pretty good run all things considered (like living in a capital city and having to go out to work even in pandemic). It's been a few days and he's already doing pretty well again.
    Making progress with the integration mentioned last status. Feeling free and confident these days even though energy-level wise I'd have classified this as a bad period in the past. The body rests. My heart is blazing.
    Gradual realization that I tend to deny many of my own desires because they're not admirable. It's not quite the jungian shadow, but I will attempt to integrate myself with these denied feelings and become more honest.
    To conclude this trilogy: The social interaction and tension leading up to it both overstimulated me and pre-occupied me enough that I forgot to eat so now I'm still up at 5 am having cereal. Autism is a bit of a dramaqueen condition sometimes.
    Knower of nothing
    Knower of nothing
    Had a ton of fun in fact yeah, first time in a while meeting some new people and they were lovely.
    Luca
    Luca
    I'm very happy to hear that! And every time I see you post something, it makes me smile, because you dedicated a song to me that time :) That still means a lot to me.
    Knower of nothing
    Knower of nothing
    That makes me very happy, it's one of my favorite things to do :)
    I need some courage of my own or I miss out on an upcoming social event. Always such a hit to my pride to have to pull someone aside and explain that I require extra accomodation to be able to enjoy something. Making such demands sometimes makes me think it's best I leave it to myself and don't join in.
    11 days into lethargy phase, been on the walk back out of the pit since yesterday. Predicting back to neutral in 1-2 days (slightly optimistic)
    Knower of nothing
    Knower of nothing
    Overall it wasn't quite as bad. More exhaustion than turmoil. Even saw some benefits in creative energy and capacity for meditation. While still unpleasant, this is at a level where I'd consider it livable. At least with the amount of assistance I get, were I to live alone or have a job I can't imagine the disruptive force it'd have.
    I am slightly shook, big political events going on. The source of this anxiety seems to be the knowledge that both sides will lead to ruin.
    Slim Jim
    Slim Jim
    Mutually assured destruction.
    Knower of nothing
    Knower of nothing
    Aye, but not the inevitable kind that we can find peace through resignation in. It's the complex web of decisions interacting that has a right solution buried under human flaw. Terrifying stuff, highly confrontational and not good for sleep.
    Slim Jim
    Slim Jim
    I sleep like a baby. Apart from the times I have broken sleep cause the pressure of life gets to me. Then I sleep like a drug addict.

    But yeah I hear ya. Politics is such a drag. We're just cogs in the machine. This clockwork monstrosity.
    Great family gathering tomorrow to mark a century since the birth of my grandpa (though he has passed away).
    Callistemon
    Callistemon
    Really articulate by then and grown-up; and he remembered what he was thinking for every event his mother related, from around age 3. So he could give us the inside view in retrospect, and there was tons going on where many onlookers thought there was very little.
    Callistemon
    Callistemon
    What happened to the thick glass wall?
    Knower of nothing
    Knower of nothing
    Yeah that's interesting. Though I was constantly thinking as a kid as well, it was in a very isolated way. Tunnel visioned on who knows what. My mother tells me stories of how I would examine ants on the ground and then eventually forget where I was and get lost. Perhaps it was that classic "in my own world" behavior that leads to the strangely distant memories of the people and places from back then.
    Seems the stress caught up with me today in the form of an insecurity driven anxiety burst. Oh well, time for another one of those breaks.
    Knower of nothing
    Knower of nothing
    Took a breather, returned for a short bit to explain what's going on and that I'll be taking a social break. Assured them it's not their fault, they assured me I wasn't annoying for causing that kind of hassle now and then. And here we are. The anxiety lies to me and says all kinds of things are wrong still, but I know better. I'll be back soon.
    Luca
    Luca
    Telling people with anxiety to just “calm down” is really invalidating :( I’m sorry you had an awkward conversation with your friend but I’m glad they tried to understand. And I’m sorry you’re feeling stressed :( I also have really bad anxiety and it can really burn people out!
    Hope you can do some nice things for yourself over the next few days and regain some peace of mind :)
    Luca
    Luca
    Doing something creative always helps me!
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