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Knower of nothing

Knower of nothing

Well-Known Member 26 From Belgium
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  • Knower of nothing
    Your bi-monthly dose of burn out is here. I'd love to say it's because I've been busy again but I really haven't done anything this time. Or more accurately I haven't done anything for myself. It's more like a fuel leak. I told myself at the start of the year I was going to take days off every weekend, but I simply forgot I was doing so.
    Knower of nothing
    In context to my last post, and because I still have no one else to turn to with this, I have decided to ever so slowly make getting a therapist an attainable and desirable course of action for my partner. This is probably the most complex social interaction I've ever had to go through.
    Knower of nothing
    Knower of nothing
    Currently I am slowly teaching them the concept of avoidance coping, its nature as a maladaptive survival strategy and so on. But very slowly. I am not giving them resources because they have the propensity to run away when faced with harsh change or suggestion, they have come to trust only avoidance.
    Knower of nothing
    Knower of nothing
    Once they can accept avoidance as part of their behavior, and its maladaptive reality (with all the nuance of it not being 100% bad included), I will transition to its counterpart. Active coping. Since seeking therapy is a form of active coping, the idea is to build a fully rational foundation for why it should be given an attempt.
    Knower of nothing
    Knower of nothing
    Knowledge is strength.
    Knower of nothing
    Alright wew. Massive 1 hour+ confrontational relationship talk. I soldiered through it. Mostly kept my calm, mostly said what I think were helpful things.
    I really shouldn't be the support for some of these things but when you're too scared to even consider a therapist it's not like I'm not gonna try do what I can.
    View previous comments…
    Knower of nothing
    Knower of nothing
    And for those concerned, I'm not in a toxic relationship where I'm forced into the therapist role and I'd be able to set boundaries if I ever were. It not being toxic just doesn't change the fact it's still an exhausting experience for both parties.
    Aspychata
    Aspychata
    You got through it. Some of us can't even get to "the talk" because it's too upsetting or they aren't comfortable discussing couple things. Maybe a monthly maintenance talk and schedule for a date nite also to keep the mood neutral?
    Knower of nothing
    Knower of nothing
    Yeah it took a pretty long gentle but persistent pulling from my end to make it happen. Proud of them for coming through. I like the date night idea, I'll see if I can come up with something to put them at ease and have a more casual moment.
    Knower of nothing
    Had a terribly frustrating shut-down that I then literally beat myself out of. Fought myself periodically while doing chores and taking a shower. Whole scenario was so absurd I laughed. I count it as a victory.
    Knower of nothing
    some bitcoin phishing scams going around again, I know most people don't fall for these as they rely on you mistaking it for actual bitcoin stuff you're doing but still
    careful fellas
    Knower of nothing
    I had such a busy October that November was entirely spent recovering and sleeping a lot. The price to pay of the boundary crossing mentioned in last post.
    Incidentally I wrote some great music this month as a result too. Composition has a weird bond with turmoil.
    Knower of nothing
    Still in the burnout, however no outburst seems to be coming. Mindfulness seems to almost completely block it from happening, like how you can't subconsciously stim if you focus. Granted I've been resting up.
    View previous comments…
    Knower of nothing
    Knower of nothing
    My mother had such an event after exhaustion hospitalized her. Never fully got back to her energy after that. An important, if sad, bit of context is that humans aren't built to last to begin with. From the ground up we come packaged with processes that will decay us, stress or not. Will becomes more important than ability.
    Atrapa Almas
    Atrapa Almas
    Well, I have yet to see 80 years old machinery working properly with their initial mechanisms... I would say we do last quite a lot for an Ape.

    One notices better how much we do last when they have to live with pain or a handicap. Take care.
    Knower of nothing
    Knower of nothing
    You too friend.
    Knower of nothing
    I re-read an old short story of mine from 3 years ago. It's the most explicitly written-during-burnout story I have. It's so aggressively against the very idea of feeling things at all. Made me a bit sad. I'm also sad that I still understand it. I almost shut down so I had to put some topics off-limits today, even with my partner. I don't want to think about it right now.
    Knower of nothing
    Knower of nothing
    Mid-point of a burnout for me always comes after the previously mentioned surface level symptoms start to wear me down and I get more emotional strain. It's the sad period. Characterized by a stronger need for isolation and wanting to disappear. Tendency to stay in bed, in room, lights off, blinds closed, shutting yourself off from people and not wanting to talk.
    Knower of nothing
    Another exhaustion period (woo!)
    Same rookie mistake as usual, casually overstepped my boundaries by chasing what I want to do and thus end up sabotaging myself far more than if I paced myself a little. Will we ever learn? Maybe once my spirit cools off a little. But while the fire still roars, I don't really mind tripping up like this that much.
    Knower of nothing
    Knower of nothing
    As part of documenting the burnout though here's the symptoms:
    Perpetual tiredness, tendency to deep dive into escapism or similar intimate comforts to shut out anything else, noticable drop in quality of communication (become more blunt and stand-offish, less patience). And of course what I personally use as the tell-tale sign: neglecting self-maintenance.
    Aspychata
    Aspychata
    That's me. You did a excellent job describing this. And me. Omg. Dive into escapism by endless internet surfing, endless sleeping, and whatever else.
    Knower of nothing
    I have luxurious accomodation to the point I don't actually often get to interact with people as they are. I'm always being accounted for, considered. A problem to solve, to manage, to keep track of. I am often more a pet to my family than a person. Something they need to think of when they want to go do something. To make sure I'm kept fed and taken on the occasional walk.
    View previous comments…
    Shaddock
    Shaddock
    IMO you´re never fully independent as long as you live with your parents, no matter what age. for me it is really important to decide over my own apartment, no matter how tiny it is, that I´m the master of my own apartment and can decide what I want, when I go to supermarket, what I buy, when I clean it, when I want to be alone and when I invite others. that I have this self-government.
    Knower of nothing
    Knower of nothing
    I can't be independent so whether it's with parents or others doesn't really make a difference. At least parents are a friendly face.
    Nor do I value independence all that much. It really is just the absence of genuine interaction irking me. I get my fair share online though.
    Knower of nothing
    Knower of nothing
    Ultimately I should probably have a good cry about it and then get over myself. Wealth lies in surplus and the easiest path to surplus is the lack of want.
    Knower of nothing
    Boyfriend has covid. Pretty good run all things considered (like living in a capital city and having to go out to work even in pandemic). It's been a few days and he's already doing pretty well again.
    Knower of nothing
    Making progress with the integration mentioned last status. Feeling free and confident these days even though energy-level wise I'd have classified this as a bad period in the past. The body rests. My heart is blazing.
    Knower of nothing
    Gradual realization that I tend to deny many of my own desires because they're not admirable. It's not quite the jungian shadow, but I will attempt to integrate myself with these denied feelings and become more honest.
    Knower of nothing
    To conclude this trilogy: The social interaction and tension leading up to it both overstimulated me and pre-occupied me enough that I forgot to eat so now I'm still up at 5 am having cereal. Autism is a bit of a dramaqueen condition sometimes.
    View previous comments…
    Knower of nothing
    Knower of nothing
    Had a ton of fun in fact yeah, first time in a while meeting some new people and they were lovely.
    Luca
    Luca
    I'm very happy to hear that! And every time I see you post something, it makes me smile, because you dedicated a song to me that time :) That still means a lot to me.
    Knower of nothing
    Knower of nothing
    That makes me very happy, it's one of my favorite things to do :)
    Knower of nothing
    I need some courage of my own or I miss out on an upcoming social event. Always such a hit to my pride to have to pull someone aside and explain that I require extra accomodation to be able to enjoy something. Making such demands sometimes makes me think it's best I leave it to myself and don't join in.
    Knower of nothing
    11 days into lethargy phase, been on the walk back out of the pit since yesterday. Predicting back to neutral in 1-2 days (slightly optimistic)
    Knower of nothing
    Knower of nothing
    Overall it wasn't quite as bad. More exhaustion than turmoil. Even saw some benefits in creative energy and capacity for meditation. While still unpleasant, this is at a level where I'd consider it livable. At least with the amount of assistance I get, were I to live alone or have a job I can't imagine the disruptive force it'd have.
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