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Knower of nothing
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  • I think I understand why I end up here on occasion. I have no autistic people in my life. I am always needing to explain and justify my behavior, motivations, ideas, the whole lot. And I often need to ask for far more context of others too. It is an isolating feeling in the end so there is here to read about some vague experiences where I really don't need to question the logic. I already understand.
    Knower of nothing
    Knower of nothing
    The atmosphere is quite alright in my opinion. But I dislike having to rely on social media interactions with strangers for anything. I like my friends, but the soul barrier is real.
    Rodafina
    Rodafina
    I like the atmosphere. We are just people being people.

    I like how you said this, @Knower of nothing:
    …read about some vague experiences where I really don't need to question the logic. I already understand.
    I have that experience, too.
    Gerontius
    Gerontius
    Having autistic people in your life is awful nice and if you find any who are your friends that's a good thing.
    I was watching some folk online play a silly card game with rather loose rules, and I found myself getting upset at the lack of clarity very fast haha. It felt unfair when advantage could be created simply by being more insistent. They played for the fun of it of course, but I couldn't turn off the game-logic side of my head to enjoy it too.
    Luc Ienn
    Luc Ienn
    If a game is built around something as nebulous as insistence (such as the game BS), I always struggle because there’s a lack of consistency. I also struggle because I’m not very clever when it comes to strategizing or crafting plans in a game, and so if someone can set up a clever ploy…I never stand a chance. I dont like vs games much anyway though.
    Slime_Punk
    Slime_Punk
    I actually play MTG like this a lot; lenient rules and basically whatever makes the game more fun. Obviously this is the best way to play with friends, since it's like the exact opposite or tournament rules!
    It's been a little bit, I'm still kicking. Today I booked an appointment with the doctor and went there alone for the first time, then embarrassed myself at the pharmacy because it was my first time inside one. Feeling alright though, people are nice here. Bit by bit the things I couldn't do because of a truly crippling anxiety are being chipped away at.
    I was wrong lol, this ain't burnout. I realized I can still do things, I simply don't feel like it. I guess that makes it a depressive episode instead. It's almost refreshing to have non-autism related problems. It's a been-there-done-that type of deal too so there's no despair.
    Knower of nothing
    Knower of nothing
    Feels like homebase, the place all must return to. A long while ago I posted a little story I wrote about mud and building and such. Well this state of being was represented by laying down in the mud. Simultaneous end point and start point and whatnot. Maybe I'll be inspired for more melodramatic writings like that.
    Burn out again, body seeks out nocturnal living because this forces minimal interaction and activity. The internet circumvents this strategy a little bit though. I'm sorry body, I just get too lonely too quickly. It's not easy to do nothing, even when it's all you're meant to do.
    Slowly falling in love with flying more each time I do it. Spent a lovely 4 days in Copenhagen, it was my first time traveling alone but both the preparation and actual trip were executed to perfection. Feeling powerful haha
    Gerald Wilgus
    Gerald Wilgus
    Traveling solo can make or break a person because learning to be self-reliant really brings out the person you are. Glad that you are enjoying the journey.
    Your bi-monthly dose of burn out is here. I'd love to say it's because I've been busy again but I really haven't done anything this time. Or more accurately I haven't done anything for myself. It's more like a fuel leak. I told myself at the start of the year I was going to take days off every weekend, but I simply forgot I was doing so.
    In context to my last post, and because I still have no one else to turn to with this, I have decided to ever so slowly make getting a therapist an attainable and desirable course of action for my partner. This is probably the most complex social interaction I've ever had to go through.
    Knower of nothing
    Knower of nothing
    Currently I am slowly teaching them the concept of avoidance coping, its nature as a maladaptive survival strategy and so on. But very slowly. I am not giving them resources because they have the propensity to run away when faced with harsh change or suggestion, they have come to trust only avoidance.
    Knower of nothing
    Knower of nothing
    Once they can accept avoidance as part of their behavior, and its maladaptive reality (with all the nuance of it not being 100% bad included), I will transition to its counterpart. Active coping. Since seeking therapy is a form of active coping, the idea is to build a fully rational foundation for why it should be given an attempt.
    Knower of nothing
    Knower of nothing
    Knowledge is strength.
    Alright wew. Massive 1 hour+ confrontational relationship talk. I soldiered through it. Mostly kept my calm, mostly said what I think were helpful things.
    I really shouldn't be the support for some of these things but when you're too scared to even consider a therapist it's not like I'm not gonna try do what I can.
    Knower of nothing
    Knower of nothing
    And for those concerned, I'm not in a toxic relationship where I'm forced into the therapist role and I'd be able to set boundaries if I ever were. It not being toxic just doesn't change the fact it's still an exhausting experience for both parties.
    Aspychata
    Aspychata
    You got through it. Some of us can't even get to "the talk" because it's too upsetting or they aren't comfortable discussing couple things. Maybe a monthly maintenance talk and schedule for a date nite also to keep the mood neutral?
    Knower of nothing
    Knower of nothing
    Yeah it took a pretty long gentle but persistent pulling from my end to make it happen. Proud of them for coming through. I like the date night idea, I'll see if I can come up with something to put them at ease and have a more casual moment.
    Had a terribly frustrating shut-down that I then literally beat myself out of. Fought myself periodically while doing chores and taking a shower. Whole scenario was so absurd I laughed. I count it as a victory.
    some bitcoin phishing scams going around again, I know most people don't fall for these as they rely on you mistaking it for actual bitcoin stuff you're doing but still
    careful fellas
    Was called "just a little bit insane" today. I do wonder if the "little" was added in to spare my feelings haha.
    Jordy
    Jordy
    By who?
    Knower of nothing
    Knower of nothing
    A good friend of mine. I was telling them about the sort of things I tried in the past to "get out of my own head" to see if anything sounded useful as he was dealing with rumination.
    Nitro
    Nitro
    I'd wear it like a badge.
    Most people avoid those types ;)
    I had such a busy October that November was entirely spent recovering and sleeping a lot. The price to pay of the boundary crossing mentioned in last post.
    Incidentally I wrote some great music this month as a result too. Composition has a weird bond with turmoil.
    Still in the burnout, however no outburst seems to be coming. Mindfulness seems to almost completely block it from happening, like how you can't subconsciously stim if you focus. Granted I've been resting up.
    Knower of nothing
    Knower of nothing
    My mother had such an event after exhaustion hospitalized her. Never fully got back to her energy after that. An important, if sad, bit of context is that humans aren't built to last to begin with. From the ground up we come packaged with processes that will decay us, stress or not. Will becomes more important than ability.
    Atrapa Almas
    Atrapa Almas
    Well, I have yet to see 80 years old machinery working properly with their initial mechanisms... I would say we do last quite a lot for an Ape.

    One notices better how much we do last when they have to live with pain or a handicap. Take care.
    Knower of nothing
    Knower of nothing
    You too friend.
    I re-read an old short story of mine from 3 years ago. It's the most explicitly written-during-burnout story I have. It's so aggressively against the very idea of feeling things at all. Made me a bit sad. I'm also sad that I still understand it. I almost shut down so I had to put some topics off-limits today, even with my partner. I don't want to think about it right now.
    Knower of nothing
    Knower of nothing
    Mid-point of a burnout for me always comes after the previously mentioned surface level symptoms start to wear me down and I get more emotional strain. It's the sad period. Characterized by a stronger need for isolation and wanting to disappear. Tendency to stay in bed, in room, lights off, blinds closed, shutting yourself off from people and not wanting to talk.
    Another exhaustion period (woo!)
    Same rookie mistake as usual, casually overstepped my boundaries by chasing what I want to do and thus end up sabotaging myself far more than if I paced myself a little. Will we ever learn? Maybe once my spirit cools off a little. But while the fire still roars, I don't really mind tripping up like this that much.
    Knower of nothing
    Knower of nothing
    As part of documenting the burnout though here's the symptoms:
    Perpetual tiredness, tendency to deep dive into escapism or similar intimate comforts to shut out anything else, noticable drop in quality of communication (become more blunt and stand-offish, less patience). And of course what I personally use as the tell-tale sign: neglecting self-maintenance.
    Aspychata
    Aspychata
    That's me. You did a excellent job describing this. And me. Omg. Dive into escapism by endless internet surfing, endless sleeping, and whatever else.
    I have luxurious accomodation to the point I don't actually often get to interact with people as they are. I'm always being accounted for, considered. A problem to solve, to manage, to keep track of. I am often more a pet to my family than a person. Something they need to think of when they want to go do something. To make sure I'm kept fed and taken on the occasional walk.
    Shaddock
    Shaddock
    IMO you´re never fully independent as long as you live with your parents, no matter what age. for me it is really important to decide over my own apartment, no matter how tiny it is, that I´m the master of my own apartment and can decide what I want, when I go to supermarket, what I buy, when I clean it, when I want to be alone and when I invite others. that I have this self-government.
    Knower of nothing
    Knower of nothing
    I can't be independent so whether it's with parents or others doesn't really make a difference. At least parents are a friendly face.
    Nor do I value independence all that much. It really is just the absence of genuine interaction irking me. I get my fair share online though.
    Knower of nothing
    Knower of nothing
    Ultimately I should probably have a good cry about it and then get over myself. Wealth lies in surplus and the easiest path to surplus is the lack of want.
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