Lost girl of my dreams due to Aspergers. PLEASE HELP!

[sad guy]

im 18, im a male. i have aspergers and it haunts my life every single day. this is the first time i am reaching out to someone for my problems, of any kind. i need help.

i have been dating this girl for 4 months. she is the most gorgeous girl ive ever seen. she lives and works both right next to where i live. she has been the most major part of my life, we have spent all of that time together. she is not the first girl ive dated. but she is the first girl ive let in my heart due to many emotional issues. shes the first girl ive let completely in my life. shes the first girl ive had sex with we had sex (60-70 times). shes literally everything to me. i often called her my goddess and i truly worshiped her. i think of her every second of every day. i am obsessed with her, she made me feel so good, she did so much to make me feel good. she went out of her way to make me happy and she did. i would give every worldy possession to be with her. i would sacrifice everything.

we have been broken up for 2 and a half weeks now.

shes a very social person, i trusted her during our relationship. she gave me no reason not too. our relationship was ruined because of my aspergers problems.

we broke up because i told her i wasnt feeling well (mentally), she asked "is gonna be like this everyday?" i said yeah probably and she was very mad. so i told her we should break up. (i was extremely upset for no reason and thats why i said this). and we talked later that night in person. she got tired of dealing with this

she told me the following, "i dont see you in my future" (we had made many plans), "i have to force myself on you because i dont find you attractive anymore." "you always look like you hate me and im tired of it" "you always act so angry" "you make me feel so guilty after we have sex" "you only want me because i am the first person you had sex with" "you only want me because im the only one here for you" and more. i cried myself to sleep (when we were still together) every night because i already felt bad about this. i literally worship her. so i said "im so hurt right now, i dont even know what to say, id be better off without you (i didnt mean it, i didnt want to look weak.) and she got out of the car and went inside.

i panicked after that and i tried my best not to text her, but i did alot. she blocked me a week later. i was trying to express my feelings and get a chance to tell her how i feel and that she was wrong about how i felt.i love her legit. i went by her work mcdonalds, (which i used to sit there for 1-3 hours to give her a ride home and spend 5 minutes with her.) so the general manger and coworkers knew me. i went by with a rose and i wanted to apologize and admit she was right. she saw me and ran to the back. i was asked to leave and was told she didnt want me there. she called me creepy later that day and made it clear she wanted nothing to do with me. i never got to say how i felt, and thats all i wanted to do.

shes told me things within the last week as i quote
" i dont want anything to do with you, im tired of you and the way you act"
"dont ever come around me again dont see me at work and dont come by my house"
"you need to find someone else to deal with your problems"

i dont even wanna type all the mean things shes said.........

i told her my biggest insecurities (losing her, making me feel like im just another guy, and lying about loving me) and she did all 3 and ive never felt worse, ive been in many relationships but not like this. she made all 3 of those insecurities so much worse.

i went by her house today, to make a long story short i went to speak with her grandfather. he basically said shes not worth it and to move on. he was very concerned i was going to kill myself. i assume from some feelings i told the girl.



i know she blatantly disrespected me. hurt me. broke me. cussed me out. probably talking to someone else (assume). and made it clear she wants nothing to do with me, and doesnt care what i do or what happens to me. she made it clear she does not want me for my mental issues.

i still worship her mentally. even after all this. the worst pain in my life. ALL IM ASKING FOR IS THE CHANCE TO TELL HER HOW I FEEL, ADMIT MY WRONGS, TELL HER WHAT SHE WAS RIGHT ABOUT. and she hates me. she texted me today after i saw her grandfather, calling me creepy, ( i would never stalk her, or do anything to harm her EVER) she is saying all this stuff i would never do!!!

all i wanna do is speak to her in person, im trying to convince her still to speak to me in person, i want to show the most respect i can to her!!!!!! even after this. i want to make her happy. SHE WAS EXTREMELY HAPPY WITH ME UNTIL I TOLD HER HOW MY BRAIN WORKS. IT HURTS SO BADLY. I LOST HER FOR THINGS AND THOUGHTS THAT HAVE ALREADY RUINED MY LIFE. PLEASE HELP, ILL ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS. i told her if we talked in person and she still didnt want anything to do with id never contact her again. i dont want to talk to any other girl i dont care what they provide me!!! i know this wont work out but my mind is wrapped around her, and everything i see reminds me of her.

please help me!!! how do i explain this???????? im confident i can convince to at least speak to me one more time. if not ill be ruined but if so how do i explain the asperger part of this?????? this is the 5 or 6th girl to leave me for this i cant take it i love this girl in particular!!!

 

[Suzanne]

As hard as this is to take in, it is not aspergers, but the GIRL who is the problem. You said: we were great til I told her my BRAIN IS WIRED DIFFERENTLY.

I was your age, when I met a guy and a year later, it hit me that I was deeply in love with him and it was just awful and exciting etc.

I worshipped him! He took to knocking on my window door ( ground floor lol) and just saying in a false casual way. Oh, just thought I would pop over to see how you were! He did this often and I could not breath, just waiting for that gentle tapping.

I do not believe he is an aspie, but he certainly had his quirk. He had this imaginary friend who well, hated females and was disgusted that he had feelings for me and would battle with him ( this imaginary "friend"). I remember once he said to me: I could easily fall in love with you, if IMFR would let me.

Things turned when at 21 I had to go to the police and report things from my past and one time, I had come off the phone with "mother" and was in tears, because of how outrageous she was being with me and climbed back in bed and he said on finding out why I was crying: Well, you brought it upon yourself. I had reported molestation and severe neglect and HE SAID THAT? From that moment, a little bit of love for him was wiped away.

However, it did take some years to oust him from my heart. And I felt exactly how you felt with this girl.

Believe me, in time you will see that she has the problem and not you. No girl who reacts like that is worth a decent guy like you and only time to heal the heart, will tell you that.

 

[HelzBelz]

Oh, you are very much in a pickle.
As a girl who has had an ex very much wanting to explain himself I need you to understand a few things. Girls can easily feel very threatened by a guy who is determined to speak to us face to face. Even if she wanted to not see you she will be dealing with a ton of very big emotions - as you are too.
I totally get that you're very much wrapped up in this right now, but it is so very important that you stay right away from her and her family. It would be very easy for her to feel threatened and involve the police and you really really don't want that.
Right now, I think the best thing you can do is to find any little thing you have previously enjoyed and throw yourself into it. Any hobby, walking, animals, etc just do everything you can to distract yourself and give her space.
This may take a lot of time and effort, but it is super important for you to focus on yourself and settling things down in your mind and your world. All those little things like some exercise, some fresh air, enough sleep, meditation (if you do that, or download an app that guides you through breathing and relaxing before bed) good food; find a balance that will help you get back to basics and find some peace again.
It may not be what you want to hear but I really think it's super important to respect her enough to give her the space she has asked for. It may be helpful for you to write down everything you want to say then burn it. Keep writing and burning until you feel you've said everything you want to say.
I truly know this journey. I was totally in this boat with someone and felt obsessed with them for a long time. I know I made a fool of myself several times, especially after they moved on with someone else. It was a long journey to let them go.
Keep breathing, Mister. You will get through this chaos one small step at a time.

 

[sad guy]

Oh, you are very much in a pickle.
As a girl who has had an ex very much wanting to explain himself I need you to understand a few things. Girls can easily feel very threatened by a guy who is determined to speak to us face to face. Even if she wanted to not see you she will be dealing with a ton of very big emotions - as you are too.
I totally get that you're very much wrapped up in this right now, but it is so very important that you stay right away from her and her family. It would be very easy for her to feel threatened and involve the police and you really really don't want that.
Right now, I think the best thing you can do is to find any little thing you have previously enjoyed and throw yourself into it. Any hobby, walking, animals, etc just do everything you can to distract yourself and give her space.
This may take a lot of time and effort, but it is super important for you to focus on yourself and settling things down in your mind and your world. All those little things like some exercise, some fresh air, enough sleep, meditation (if you do that, or download an app that guides you through breathing and relaxing before bed) good food; find a balance that will help you get back to basics and find some peace again.
It may not be what you want to hear but I really think it's super important to respect her enough to give her the space she has asked for. It may be helpful for you to write down everything you want to say then burn it. Keep writing and burning until you feel you've said everything you want to say.
I truly know this journey. I was totally in this boat with someone and felt obsessed with them for a long time. I know I made a fool of myself several times, especially after they moved on with someone else. It was a long journey to let them go.
Keep breathing, Mister. You will get through this chaos one small step at a time.

thanks for your reply. but my world is really and she was my only escape. i live with my grandparetns and my grandpa has cancer and has weeks to live, i live in complete misery being around this. hes the person i love the most and hes doing so bad. im afraid to love him and i know i will be miserable the rest of my life for that. she was my only escape. i had a good respectable talk with HER grandfather, so i hope he knows i mean no harm. im really scared for myself.. please help. she texted me a couple hours ago, asking what it would do if we talked and im trying to convince her. i know it will be a good idea. i never opened up before in person she said and its so important. we spent the whole summer togehter and i even took her on a week trip to a differernt state

 

[HelzBelz]

thanks for your reply. but my world is really and she was my only escape. i live with my grandparetns and my grandpa has cancer and has weeks to live, i live in complete misery being around this. hes the person i love the most and hes doing so bad. im afraid to love him and i know i will be miserable the rest of my life for that. she was my only escape. i had a good respectable talk with HER grandfather, so i hope he knows i mean no harm. im really scared for myself.. please help. she texted me a couple hours ago, asking what it would do if we talked and im trying to convince her. i know it will be a good idea. i never opened up before in person she said and its so important. we spent the whole summer togehter and i even took her on a week trip to a differernt state

It sounds like you have a ton of emotional stuff going on. Is there any support around you you can talk to - not her, but a social worker or counseller, to offload all this stuff onto?
If she was asking "what would it do if we talked" I personally take that to mean, she thinks it would make no difference, so what's the point. I really don't see her being able to give you what you're hoping for - I feel you are looking for reassurance that you're a good guy and there is the possibility of fixing this. It sounds like she is pretty angry and defensive, so will give you none of that.
I am so sorry you are hurting so bad. It is super important to find someone to talk to and support you through this, but I don't think pushing to talk to her face to face will help.

 

[sad guy]

It sounds like you have a ton of emotional stuff going on. Is there any support around you you can talk to - not her, but a social worker or counseller, to offload all this stuff onto?
If she was asking "what would it do if we talked" I personally take that to mean, she thinks it would make no difference, so what's the point. I really don't see her being able to give you what you're hoping for - I feel you are looking for reassurance that you're a good guy and there is the possibility of fixing this. It sounds like she is pretty angry and defensive, so will give you none of that.
I am so sorry you are hurting so bad. It is super important to find someone to talk to and support you through this, but I don't think pushing to talk to her face to face will help.

I have a therapist I’ll try to talk to him. I have nobody here for me. My grandfather was my biggest emotional issue until this. It consumed me. The only thing that would make me better is when I could hold her.. exatcly where I’m laying right now. I know she cared about it, why did she turn so hostile????? That’s what I wanna know ... everything just changed all of a sudden. She used to spam with his happy I made her ...

 

[sad guy]

She would talk to me about it.....

 

[OlLiE]

the ship has sailed, autisme is part of your personalty and how you interact with other people, saying that autisme caused you to brake up is the same as saying she couldn't accept you for who you are

move on

enter into relationships with your own sense of self worth, never allow yourself to become dependant on another person, being in a relationship is great, but i find you should always be able to walk away with your self respect intact, many women don't like 'dependant' men

breaking up is never fun, but it should never hurt you to your core imo

 

[Iamnotarabot]

Never was in a relationship but I got so in love /obsessed by a girl I could have died.

I mean I know no one can actually talk you throught it, Still if you have a close friend try to be around him sometimes, you know, just to breath fresh air.

In my opinion it's clear that she is insecure aswell because she fears that you dont realy love her...Did she go to far and said things that destroyed your relationship , thats up to you.

I guess the only thing left to do is simply to explain why you are stressed out at the moment and tell her if you realy love her and that's it. Tell her you didnt change after you told her you have autism, this is just how you are and its better to know, there are many people outthere that just doesnt know who they are until they do messed up things.At least you know yourself a little more.

And if she doesnt accept it then you have no other choice than to move on im sorry .But, all the time you spend with her you always had autism she should understand that.


So I have no real advise to give you...except don't ruin your future, dont ruin yourself...

 

[Tom]

Here is the bottom line. Accept the fact it is over. If you don't you may find yourself in legal trouble for stalking harassment.

 

[Bella Pines]

please help me!!! how do i explain this???????? im confident i can convince to at least speak to me one more time. if not ill be ruined but if so how do i explain the asperger part of this??????

Take a step back.

The fundamental problem is that you haven't learnt to control your powers. You're like a marvel avenger that hasn't learnt to control his super strength and is accidentally wreaking havoc on all the surrounding buildings.

As aspies, we are intense, focused individuals. A little of us goes a long way and as you get older you will learn to control this and use it to your advantage... hopefully without scaring too many people.

But for now I suggest you change your strategy. Clearly panic and force does not work. So ease up... preferably before the police get involved. Obviously you wouldn't hurt her, we don't work like that. But she doesn't know this and your actions imply otherwise. Maybe revisit the situation in a month or so when everything has calmed down.

And on your need to explain the asperger part of this. Explain it to us first. We will understand. Then we can help you better communicate with people in your life.

And breathe.

 

[Mattymatt]

Unfortunately, I think the proverbial ship on this relationship has sailed but let's take something positive away from this experience. You've proven that you *are* capable of having a relationship. You just need to gain some knowledge and insight. This comes with experiences and some trial and error. Dating and relationships can be difficult for neurotypicals, let alone the neurodiverse. Books on dating and relationships have been incredibly helpful for me. Why not go to your local bookstore and see if you can find something on the subject matter that piques your interest. Books may help you gain some insight that you can apply to future endeavours.

I still want you to look at what this past relationship tells you; that you are very capable of a relationship! Again, you just need experience and knowledge. I want you to remember that most first-time relationships end messily. For the most part, the stories you read about people marrying their first love are fairy tales representing less than 1% of the population. It's much like the tired old sayings about how hard work brings about rags to riches. Less than 1% of the population can truly say they went from starvation to wealth through hard work alone.

 

[AloneNotLonely]

She's not attracted to you anymore. Going after her more won't change her mind, it will only give her more resolve that her choice was the right one.

In the future, don't be such a freaking doormat. It makes people want to run away. You have no pride or honour, and nobody likes weaklings without pride or honour. The feelings you shared with her are feelings a man shouldn't have in the first place, let alone sharing them with the world.

In the end, she's just some girl. Listen to gramps. He clearly knows some stuff about her that you don't.

 

[Mattymatt]

@AloneNotLonely, The OP had no idea he was being a "doormat." It sounds like this was his first relationship and first relationships are a giant mixture of emotions. He had no previous experience to draw on and no idea what to expect. First love is a crazy thing and I know this from first hand experience. It's an insane mixture of worry, anger, fear, elation, content, discontent, etc. For someone on the spectrum the potential exists for the experience to be much more intensely felt. I think you owe the OP an apology as he shared this experience in the hope of picking up some of the pieces and moving forward.

 

[paloftoon]

It's hard for a person to be with another person if you don't have yourself together enough. Once the attraction is lost, generally it never comes back with that person even if you have improved yourself as a person. I have one person whom I did totally something different with, but to the same intensity as you almost, and another person whom he broke it off with me, but we're at least trying to be friends now slowly. You've already used up all your chances to contact this prior lady. It's unfortunate you can't try to resolve this. Just try to keep your distance and work on improving you.

Most potential partners do not want a "pen pal." And you will get to the point where you will not need a mental day every single day. You will find a way to respect yourself and your other partner at the same time.

That's all you can do.

 

[Iamnotbroken]

It's time to move on. I'm not saying this to be mean, I'm saying it because I care.

If she can't take you for you, then you're too good for her. Be with someone who mutually loves and respects you back. Trust me I've been down this road before.

 

[Shiznown]

You messed up, but a woman that truly loved you would understand. I assume she's around 18 as well. The human brain doesn't fully develop until the age of 25. It's foolish and unrealistic to expect a long term relationship from a woman under that age, unless you are dating a woman from an asian culture, or other foreign culture were marriage is seen as the end goal and every man they date is seen as a potential husband. That is actually one of the reasons that I only date asian women now and I am happily in a current relationship, thankfully. The problem with most western girls is that, even if they seem serious about a relationship, they may not be as serious about it as you think, especially at a young age. So my advice is, either expect relationships not to be serious until you get older, or start dating a foreign girl that comes from a culture where relationships are taken seriously. Hookup culture has basically destroyed relationships in the west. Also, truth be told, she sounds like a typical 18 year old brat. I always tell women when I start dating them what I have and if they don't stick around, I just move on. Heck, sometimes I've told women just because I knew they were immature and I wanted them to leave me alone.

 

[paloftoon]

If I'm reading this right, when she told you all these nasty thing, if you still pursued her after that, it could probably be taken as creepy because a lot of people are that way in our society unfortunately. I felt she said "no" in her own way and you weren't able to accept it because you wanted (and deserved) changes to say why. The change in who she didn't realize you are and couldn't handle was too much emotionally for her too.

As an older person, I might not have totally avoided you, but might have wanted to try to build platonic only after that. It is hard for people to even do platonic no matter how old they get, and some people never mix platonic after an involved relationship, especially if the break up is not mutual.

sometimes, in life, things aren't even logical at all. Hope for the best and always work on yourself as much as you can. Enjoy what you can.

When someone is so direct, the most you should do is write a letter or e-mail or ask if it's okay to have a conversation with someone in-person. If they say no, then you must immediately do your best to keep your distance. Don't let it hold you back from things you intend to do in public even if she happens to be the vicinity, but don't try to contact her. Once she told you those nasty things, that was her "no" and it sounds like you pursued after.

We want to explain everything out and sometimes, others don't want to hear the explanations no matter how valid they will be in the end.

A lot of people siding with the OP and the girl will say "you are too good for the other person." I think in reality in most situations, everyone is actually good in their own ways. It's ashame it couldn't work out, especially when the initial connection was there. At least you had sex at all. With one of my good match encounters, I never even got passed one date and I was afraid of oral cause there was no communication on his end and a lack of knowledge on my part on myself, the various situations, logistics, and my own tolerance levels. Those things can change with different people and over time and when we change ourselves, but important information I had to learn the hard way was what came of that :/

 

[mw2530]

You won't want to hear this, but be grateful for the experience. You are so young yet. I'm sure you learned many things from the experience that you can take with you. Sucks right now but you will move on and focus on other parts of your life for now. I'm pushing 31 and have yet to have a romantic relationship or even have sex. Kind of pathetic. There is a good chance that it will never happen for me since I missed out on gaining experience while young. It sucks.

 

[OrdinaryCitizen]

What makes her girl of your dreams the fact she used a make up or have sex with you wake up she is not any more special than any other one, and only special to you at the moment of time.

You show your weakness in the fact that you become soft minded because of her this is why you lost her not because of your condition, she just tired of seeing a soft weak man that worship her and her attraction to you turned off this is problem.

Problem you enjoy that drug too much and injected yourself over and over with feeling of love like a junkie this is why you feel this way now like a heroin addict. And she is drug dealer that cut you off the supply now you going there begging her to give you one more dose.

She see you have no self respect, need to fix that first and stop being miserable then she will call you back if not now you can have her in a month if you want or another one.