Is dating harder for men with ASD compared to women with ASD?

[Lundi]

I have noticed throughout my life that I have met a lot more men who have some degree of autism or Asperger's who are single, compared with women with the same condition. Given that men are still expected to do all of the approaching and initiating, no matter how far society has advanced in gender equality, in my experience I have seen more men with ASD fail completely in dating, whilst quite a few women with ASD seem to have boyfriends/husbands.

I am not stating this as an established fact, it is just something that I have noticed from my own personal experience. Is there really a pattern here, that men with ASD have trouble because they have even more problems initiating dating than neurotypical guys, whereas women can just wait for men to approach them?

As a personal anecdote, my mother has Asperger's and mutism, and was single until age 27. She never approached during dating--men always approached her. What got me thinking about this topic is that my mother told me that if she were male, she would have been single for life, because she never wanted to approach for dating. As a male, I cannot wait for women to approach me, and for this reason I am on the verge of turning 30 still being single.

 

[GadAbout]

I don't want a man who is unwilling to approach me.

Truth is, I was married a long time to someone like that. He had difficulty making decisions, failed at planning anything, could not assert himself in daily life, and was very passive aggressive. Was he autistic? I have no idea. I'm just glad we divorced and I met someone who was a better fit for me.

You should stop waiting for a suitable woman to hit on you, and instead learn how to approach women. Or stop complaining about your single status.

 

[Lundi]

After conversations with my mother, what I seem to understand is that she basically just sat there and waited for men to approach her. She never really learnt how to approach anyone. But if a woman with ASD seems to have trouble making decisions, in my experience they seem to get boyfriends/husbands. I am not sure if men simply overlook this issue, compared to women.

I do try to approach, but even I myself can sense how awkward I look. When I was younger, people used to call me "R2D2" as a joke nickname, because I was (and still am) so robotic. But just comparing with my mother, I wonder how the difficulty level dating would be if I were female.

In the place where I live I often hear a lot about how men should allow women to approach them instead of using the same outdated gender rules of men approaching women. Yet in practise I do not really see women approaching men.

I am not sure if the not approaching correlates to being indecisive. Right now I am in Germany on holiday, and I have in my mind a very clear plan or where I want to go and what I want to do. Instead, I might be too decisive, because I travel alone since I find travelling with other people like friends too much a distraction from what I want to do during holidays. Instead of being told that I am indecisive, I get told that I am too rigid and strict on what my plans are.

 

[dragonfire42]

For what it's worth, I'm female, 26, and have never been on a date or asked out or anything of the sort. In order to have anyone approach you, you have to draw their attention in some way, and it appears I have nothing going for me in that department. Not every woman can just sit there and expect to be approached. If I try that, I'm just invisible.

Granted, I don't actually want to be approached since I'm a nonromantic asexual. Maybe something about my body language indicates that, and I just don't realize it.

 

[Tom]

Many things are different experiencially (assuming that is a word) for men and women. It's not about fairness. Just the way things work out. For instance, if a woman was playing tennis and got hit by the ball between the legs, it would certainly hurt. But if I got hit there, I'd be on the ground writhing and making squeaky noises.

 

[BraidedPony]

As an autie woman i make myself as attractive as possible and make myself approachable. I will get approached about half the time.
I recently have learned how to approach men. They aren't complete strangers though, just guys I have seen around.
So, yes, i would say it is much harder for an ASD man to find a partner because they are expected to initiate contact.

 

[Trophonius]

Dating is harder for men in general.

 

[Fino]

experiencially (assuming that is a word)

I think the word is "Experientially"

 

[Frostee]

I think so. Probably due to weaker social skills.

From experience with dating Apps I don’t get much response. I currently have a Tinder account with only 7 likes! No likes for a few weeks!

When I do see someone looking at me or feel that they are interested in me, I cower away out of embarrassment!

 

[Frostee]

After conversations with my mother, what I seem to understand is that she basically just sat there and waited for men to approach her. She never really learnt how to approach anyone. But if a woman with ASD seems to have trouble making decisions, in my experience they seem to get boyfriends/husbands. I am not sure if men simply overlook this issue, compared to women.

I do try to approach, but even I myself can sense how awkward I look. When I was younger, people used to call me "R2D2" as a joke nickname, because I was (and still am) so robotic. But just comparing with my mother, I wonder how the difficulty level dating would be if I were female.

In the place where I live I often hear a lot about how men should allow women to approach them instead of using the same outdated gender rules of men approaching women. Yet in practise I do not really see women approaching men.

I am not sure if the not approaching correlates to being indecisive. Right now I am in Germany on holiday, and I have in my mind a very clear plan or where I want to go and what I want to do. Instead, I might be too decisive, because I travel alone since I find travelling with other people like friends too much a distraction from what I want to do during holidays. Instead of being told that I am indecisive, I get told that I am too rigid and strict on what my plans are.

You are right, women almost never approach men. Men have to put the work in.

Women have the pick of the crop and usually have quite high standards, especially young women.

 

[BrokenBoy]

Probably. I once saw someone in a comments section literally fetishizing female autism as if being autistic while being a girl is inherently desirable.

 

[ghostie]

I actually asked out two of my girlfriends (no one was more surprised than me, not even her or the other her!) but the majority of my very few relationships have been initiated by the female. After college I became a lot more reclusive and haven't had a relationship in quite some time but I've come to realize that a lot of my early dating stress was put on me by relatives and actually I'm happier to just be alone with my cat. Not saying that I would 100% turn down a relationship if an opportunity passed by, just probably 95%.

 

[Bolletje]

My ASD makes me very forward when approaching people I’m interested in. I’m also not really traditionally feminine in the way I carry myself (although my appearance is rather feminine) and prefer hanging out with male friends. I’ve found that this generally works well on women attracted to women. As for men, I tend to scare those with traditional values off. Which is all too well, considering that wouldn’t work anyway. But there’s definitely a type of man that likes forward women who you can date, but also play video games with and go out drinking with your friends with.
Throughout my sexually active years I haven’t had trouble attracting men and women. And am currently in a relationship (going strong for six years) with a guy who is also my best friend, best gaming buddy and my partner in general shenanigans.

 

[unperson]

In the capital city I grew up and lived in for 40 years, women do all the chasing, I suppose there's a shortage of men in big cities or something, but I've lived in other demographics too and mostly women do the chasing. I guess it's cultural stuff, depends what country you live in.

 

[Creep]

In my experience, the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. Meaning others’ circumstances seem more desirable than one’s own but in reality are often not.

In my experience, dating sucks. Not only has it been a waste of my time, energy, & material resources, but I’ve endured all manner of abuse that still affects me negatively to this day.

My dating advice to everyone regardless of gender orientation is: don’t get robbed, raped, or murdered. Not necessarily all three. Not necessarily in that order. Be safe.

 

[Lundi]

In the capital city I grew up and lived in for 40 years, women do all the chasing, I suppose there's a shortage of men in big cities or something, but I've lived in other demographics too and mostly women do the chasing. I guess it's cultural stuff, depends what country you live in.

Which city is this? I live in San Francisco, which in my experience has people who refuse traditional gender roles. Even so, in practise, I rarely see women approaching men, nor have male friends and acquaintances witnessed it.

 

[100skerls]

I get approached but have never looked at a guy and wanted to talk to him/ wished he’d talk to me.

I’m in a relationship but even if I wasn’t you can’t force genuine connection so I find it confusing the way people date and want to get involved with each other so quickly. Seems like a waste of time and energy. I prefer just getting to know people.

And some days I just want to be invisible and really hate to be noticed much less approached. Actually guys cause me lots of problems and stress on a continuing basis because of this.

(Pointing out my perceived downsides of being approached as a female. There are of course downsides whether you are male or female)

 

[unperson]

Which city is this? I live in San Francisco, which in my experience has people who refuse traditional gender roles. Even so, in practise, I rarely see women approaching men, nor have male friends and acquaintances witnessed it.

Sydney, Australia. I've also seen it in other Australian towns, but where I am at the moment, it's maybe the men do more of the chasing.

 

[Rasputin]

I have noticed throughout my life that I have met a lot more men who have some degree of autism or Asperger's who are single, compared with women with the same condition. Given that men are still expected to do all of the approaching and initiating, no matter how far society has advanced in gender equality, in my experience I have seen more men with ASD fail completely in dating, whilst quite a few women with ASD seem to have boyfriends/husbands.

I am not stating this as an established fact, it is just something that I have noticed from my own personal experience. Is there really a pattern here, that men with ASD have trouble because they have even more problems initiating dating than neurotypical guys, whereas women can just wait for men to approach them?

As a personal anecdote, my mother has Asperger's and mutism, and was single until age 27. She never approached during dating--men always approached her. What got me thinking about this topic is that my mother told me that if she were male, she would have been single for life, because she never wanted to approach for dating. As a male, I cannot wait for women to approach me, and for this reason I am on the verge of turning 30 still being single.

Lundi, I would suggest that you first try to make yourself appear attractive, and practice interacting as a friend with women before attempting dating. I was unable to even talk to a girl well into my mid-20s due to anxiety and lack of interpersonal competency. So, I applied my analytical skills to addressing my lack of skills. Try just talking and being friends with women without putting pressure on yourself. You may find someone that you feel comfortable with, and ask that woman to meet for coffee or something simple. Also be honest, and let her know you like her but don’t have a lot of experience dating. I would not spend a lot of time preparing for small talk because conversations don’t usually go as planned. You should show interest in her, and try to learn her likes and dislikes. If she likes you, she will take the lead and you can just follow.

As I commented in my introduction, I am 61 and have been married twice. I did not know my first wife well enough, and the marriage failed miserably. I am currently married, and have been married 27 years. I continue to struggle, but that is something I continually work on.

Good luck! I believe you can overcome these issues through self reflection and making changes in yourself.

 

[Lundi]

I am on holiday in Portugal right now. There is exactly one week until I turn 30, as in, now I am 29 years, 11 months and 3 weeks old. I have not thought much about this single/virgin issue as much, instead trying to focus on being away from home and doing sightseeing.

I have barely thought about dating at all, and somehow part of the stress and sadness just goes away. I have not really even thought about talking to women or really anyone in the past week, just focussing on sightseeing. It does help that where I am right now the people are at least much friendlier than back home.

I feel like not worrying about dating at all gives me a more stress-free attitude. Whilst no women approach or talk to me at all here in Portugal, at least I give an outward impression of not being tense. If I can take this mindset back home, maybe it would help.

I honestly do not know how attractive or unattractive I look. I remember back home over the years a few women told me that I was butt-ugly or disgusting looking, but honestly right now, I do not think that I can possibly be that ugly. On the 1-10 scale, I might just be an even 5.

I have often tried to imitate an oldschool look. From ages 17-25 I tried to look like John Lennon, complete with glasses circular lenses and long hair. Now I try to imitate Ray Manzarek, the drummer from the Doors, with aviator glasses and medium/long hair. Perhaps women do not like this look. But at least I like it.