Is dating harder for men with ASD compared to women with ASD?

[unperson]

You have to remember we don't necessarily have the maturity, nor the social poise for this stuff when we are young, but uh can be worth getting some experience or practice in, you never know...

 

[Rasputin]

You have to remember we don't necessarily have the maturity, nor the social poise for this stuff when we are young, but uh can be worth getting some experience or practice in, you never know...

That’s kind of the point. Start by just building friendship. Sometimes you will fail, but you will learn and develop social skills. Just because you you have a developmental deficit, it doesn’t mean you lack capacity to learn.

 

[Illkurok]

I have had severe social anxiety for my entire life and that made dating and just making friends in general a very difficult task.

I honestly don't think I would be married today if my wife and I had not literally bumped into each other in the store.

It was always hard trying to break the ice during a date, let alone keep the conversation going if I didn't have anything in common with the person aside from one or two things. It made things difficult more-so with how nerve-racking it is having to look someone in the eye all the time.

I think it is truly harder for autistic people to date or approach people. I went to college with a woman who was autistic and she was terrified of dating because she thought her autism was an immediate deal breaker. She told me that trying to strike up a conversation with a guy is like jumping into the eye of a hurricane, which was the most realistic and scary description I had ever heard.

 

[HidinginPlainSight]

Everyone has different troubles. Sweeping generalizations about over 7 billion people are bound to miss important details while overemphasizing others.

These sorts of comparisons fail to even consider what someone else may be looking for from dating. The question is better framed as, "Is it easier for certain women to get what I want from dating?"

 

[Kalinychta]

Everyone has different troubles. Sweeping generalizations about over 7 billion people are bound to miss important details while overemphasizing others.

These sorts of comparisons fail to even consider what someone else may be looking for from dating. The question is better framed as, "Is it easier for certain women to get what I want from dating?"

Exactly true. Everyone is going to answer the question differently based on their own life experiences, so ultimately the question has no answer.

 

[Rasputin]

As an autie woman i make myself as attractive as possible and make myself approachable. I will get approached about half the time.
I recently have learned how to approach men. They aren't complete strangers though, just guys I have seen around.
So, yes, i would say it is much harder for an ASD man to find a partner because they are expected to initiate contact.

I have noticed throughout my life that I have met a lot more men who have some degree of autism or Asperger's who are single, compared with women with the same condition. Given that men are still expected to do all of the approaching and initiating, no matter how far society has advanced in gender equality, in my experience I have seen more men with ASD fail completely in dating, whilst quite a few women with ASD seem to have boyfriends/husbands.

I am not stating this as an established fact, it is just something that I have noticed from my own personal experience. Is there really a pattern here, that men with ASD have trouble because they have even more problems initiating dating than neurotypical guys, whereas women can just wait for men to approach them?

As a personal anecdote, my mother has Asperger's and mutism, and was single until age 27. She never approached during dating--men always approached her. What got me thinking about this topic is that my mother told me that if she were male, she would have been single for life, because she never wanted to approach for dating. As a male, I cannot wait for women to approach me, and for this reason I am on the verge of turning 30 still being single.

I have been thinking about this question, and everyone has a different perspective. My perspective is that dating, like everything else requires development of a set of skills. If you have never dated before you have not developed the skill of making yourself attractive, let alone learning how to engage in small talk. In this situation, assuming you would like to meet someone, I would suggest first applying your analytical skills to identify things that need to change in order to interact with someone. From a male point of view you might start addressing your appearance. After work today I stopped at a men’s clothing store and asked a young lady for assistance in picking out a pair of pants and a couple shirts that would look good and were in style. This accomplishes two things if you are completely lacking in experience. You have an opportunity to interact with an attractive woman who will be patient because she wants to make a sale; pretend she is your grandmother if anxiety from the thought of interacting is a problem. The other benefit is that you will get some ideas of clothes that may make you appear attractive. Of course you may need pointers on grooming and hair style, and the same approach should work in seeing a hair stylist.

In short, some may need to take baby steps before you are even able to say hello to a female that you find attractive. I am not trying to be funny or insulting. The fact is that I went through high school and college and only had one date during this time. The girl was very attractive and intelligent; we went to a movie and had dinner, and it was very awkward as I did not know what to say or do. She was polite and told me how serious I always seemed and that she found me to be very intelligent. There was not a second date, but the experience gained was beneficial. Later after I graduated and went to work, I moved into an apartment of my own. Somewhere around age 27 or 28 I overcame my shyness enough to interact without stuttering or having an anxiety attack. To my amazement, I discovered that if your appearance is good and you can overcome your fear of interacting, sometimes the man does not need to always initiate conversation.

The point of this long post is that you don’t generally go from never even talking to someone you are interested in to dating. You have to incrementally make yourself more attractive, learn how to interact without having an anxiety attack, and you have to gain experience interacting before dating. Also when that time comes be honest with the young lady. If she is interested in you, she will let you know.

 

[Lundi]

I am trying to gain those skills slowly. I am on holiday right now, so my mind has (thankfully) been focussed on sightseeing instead of dating. I return home tomorrow though.

When I was taking the train in Portugal yesterday, however, three women sitting in my vicinity all stared at me more than 10 times and gave me sour looks. I am not sure if I am inadvertently giving off bad vibes or they think that I am ugly or what. But I do find it weird that I do not even talk to them, just minding my own business yet people do this.