I need some advice with social issues in middle school

[CanadianCyanide]

Before we get into this, I'm gonna ask that you read the whole post and give me advice, especially if you've been in my shoes. I'll try to keep it short, but sorry if it's a bit lengthy and emotional.

Pretty much, I've always had issues with bullying and friends because of my Aspergers, and lately it's been causing me a lot of stress, pain, and anxiety. I have 2 good friends in another class and in the grade below me, I have a lot of online friends who I play an online game with, and I have some friends in my class, but lately it's seemed like I had nobody at school because I don't see my other friends often.

There's one person who I know has ADHD who has had an on/off friendship with me for the past few years, where it was either he was a friend and we hung out and played video games, or he bullied me and really wasn't a nice person (Constantly calling me names, making fun of me for every little thing, picking fights with me physically and verbally, trying to get my other classmates to pick on me as well, etc) We'll call him S. S is often not too nice to his actual friends either, just not very often, while he starts with me almost daily. There are some other kids who dislike him as much as I do. He also often ditches his friends for the slightly cooler kids who don't really like him and call him names behind his back. As well as this, most of my friends in my class (A few acquaintances and one friend I've been good friends with for a few years who we'll call W) and the other students don't defend me when people pick on me, don't invite me to social gatherings, don't really act like friends, and generally seem disinterested in being friends with me. W has started to become good friends with S and another person, and for the past few months we haven't been getting along too well. I have resolved everything with W and we're starting to be good friends again, but he still makes fun of me a bit.

Then today, after not getting along as well with my good friend lately, after one person in a group for a project had taken charge and not really listened to my ideas or let me do much which led to us getting a mediocre grade and me most likely getting a bad individual grade, and after that S was picking on me for the past few weeks before getting several tickets to a movie the day before it came out and inviting many of my friends and the people who talk about him behind his back but not me (for the second time this year), I got really upset. I just sat on the ground holding back tears and thinking about everything while trying to calm down. After getting home from school and calming down a bit, I found this forum and I've been writing a bit every few minutes while I calm down.

Anyways, I need advice on what to do. I want to be able to resolve everything with S, and get back to the point where I have some good friends in my class and get along well with W. One important thing to note may be that S and W both know I have Aspergers but they don't really understand at it all. So if you have any suggestions on what I could do, please reply with them below.

 

[Cali Cat]

Ah, yes! Middle school. Or, as it is more accurately known, Hell on Earth.

Looking at this from an adult perspective, I don't think you should try to be friends with either "S" or "W." If they make fun of you or pick on you at all, they are not friends in the true sense of the word.

If you feel you need to pursue a "friendship" with either of them, don't trust them. They've already shown their true colors, and they don't look pretty.

If I had middle school to do over again (thank heavens I don't!), I would keep my head down, my nose in a book and try to remain as unnoticed as possible. I understand that is easier said than done for someone your age.

Just be careful. These youngsters appear to be opportunists and social climbers.

Best of luck navigating the treacherous waters of adolescence!

 

[CanadianCyanide]

Thanks for the advice! I probably should've made this more clear, but W always apologized afterwards and over the few years I've known him we've only had a few occasions of not really being friends. W also normally will also normally stop and think later and realize that what he did was wrong, S, on the other hand, really isn't a nice person and doesn't care who he picks on as long as he has a few friends, and has only apologized once or twice in the ~1000 times he's picked on me over the past 3 years. I decided a couple months ago that I didn't really want to be friends with S, just neutral enough that he stops bothering me.

I would definitely agree with the advice about S, but do you have any suggestions on how to get him to stop bothering me?

Ah, yes! Middle school. Or, as it is more accurately known, Hell on Earth.

Looking at this from an adult perspective, I don't think you should try to be friends with either "S" or "W." If they make fun of you or pick on you at all, they are not friends in the true sense of the word.

If you feel you need to pursue a "friendship" with either of them, don't trust them. They've already shown their true colors, and they don't look pretty.

If I had middle school to do over again (thank heavens I don't!), I would keep my head down, my nose in a book and try to remain as unnoticed as possible. I understand that is easier said than done for someone your age.

Just be careful. These youngsters appear to be opportunists and social climbers.

Best of luck navigating the treacherous waters of adolescence!

 

[theminx]

Thanks for the advice! I probably should've made this more clear, but W always apologized afterwards and over the few years I've known him we've only had a few occasions of not really being friends. W also normally will also normally stop and think later and realize that what he did was wrong, S, on the other hand, really isn't a nice person and doesn't care who he picks on as long as he has a few friends, and has only apologized once or twice in the ~1000 times he's picked on me over the past 3 years. I decided a couple months ago that I didn't really want to be friends with S, just neutral enough that he stops bothering me.

I would definitely agree with the advice about S, but do you have any suggestions on how to get him to stop bothering me?

Recently I realized that people who apologize after making mean jabs or cruel remarks (often trying to frame it as a joke) are often worse than those that don't, as at least they don't pretend they're anything than what they are.

I've learned this lesson the hard way, as I started realizing certain people who apologize have no intention of actually doing anything to change their treatment of me.

I now see it is kinda like when a man beats his wife, then apologizes...only to do it again a few days later.

It's almost as though these types of people are using their apologies as permission to continue to be mean and cruel.

One of these people actually told me he saw me as weak a few years ago, as I basically allowed him to treat me horribly.

He said this to me (he was a coworker FYI) after I apologized when he accused me of being the source of my own suffering.

I decided not to get upset. I thought on his words for days and weeks and came to the conclusion I was going to stop TRYING to make people like me. I wasn't going to apologize for existing. And I wasn't going to let people like him push me around.

It didn't help me to make friends. But people stopped treating me mean spiritedly, and started treating me with grudging respect.

Not the greatest improvement. But I rather have respectful acquaintances than mean spirited friends.

How about you?

 

[Cali Cat]

I would definitely agree with the advice about S, but do you have any suggestions on how to get him to stop bothering me?

I'd try to avoid him as much as possible. Keep as much distance between you two as you can. I'd suggest kicking him in the nuts so hard they get lodged in his nostrils, but I'm sure you've already thought along similar lines and deemed it inappropriate.

 

[theminx]

...I'd suggest kicking him in the nuts so hard they get lodged in his nostrils, but I'm sure you've already thought along similar lines and deemed it inappropriate.

I like the way you think, Cali Cat!

 

[CanadianCyanide]

Thanks for the advice! I think that what I'm going to do is stay his friend unless he picks on me again (He hasn't done it that much recently, just been distant) , and then I'll do what you suggested.

Recently I realized that people who apologize after making mean jabs or cruel remarks (often trying to frame it as a joke) are often worse than those that don't, as at least they don't pretend they're anything than what they are.

I've learned this lesson the hard way, as I started realizing certain people who apologize have no intention of actually doing anything to change their treatment of me.

I now see it is kinda like when a man beats his wife, then apologizes...only to do it again a few days later.

It's almost as though these types of people are using their apologies as permission to continue to be mean and cruel.

One of these people actually told me he saw me as weak a few years ago, as I basically allowed him to treat me horribly.

He said this to me (he was a coworker FYI) after I apologized when he accused me of being the source of my own suffering.

I decided not to get upset. I thought on his words for days and weeks and came to the conclusion I was going to stop TRYING to make people like me. I wasn't going to apologize for existing. And I wasn't going to let people like him push me around.

It didn't help me to make friends. But people stopped treating me mean spiritedly, and started treating me with grudging respect.

Not the greatest improvement. But I rather have respectful acquaintances than mean spirited friends.

How about you?

This post actually helped me a lot and gave me a lot to think about, so thanks for that.

W has both been a good friend and helped me out a lot, and insulted me about things such as being unathletic or having Aspergers. I have insulted him back before, but I have thought about this before and your post helped me remember.

I think what I'm going to do is

Recently I realized that people who apologize after making mean jabs or cruel remarks (often trying to frame it as a joke) are often worse than those that don't, as at least they don't pretend they're anything than what they are.

I've learned this lesson the hard way, as I started realizing certain people who apologize have no intention of actually doing anything to change their treatment of me.

I now see it is kinda like when a man beats his wife, then apologizes...only to do it again a few days later.

It's almost as though these types of people are using their apologies as permission to continue to be mean and cruel.

One of these people actually told me he saw me as weak a few years ago, as I basically allowed him to treat me horribly.

He said this to me (he was a coworker FYI) after I apologized when he accused me of being the source of my own suffering.

I decided not to get upset. I thought on his words for days and weeks and came to the conclusion I was going to stop TRYING to make people like me. I wasn't going to apologize for existing. And I wasn't going to let people like him push me around.

It didn't help me to make friends. But people stopped treating me mean spiritedly, and started treating me with grudging respect.

Not the greatest improvement. But I rather have respectful acquaintances than mean spirited friends.

How about you?

 

[theminx]

Thanks for the advice! I think that what I'm going to do is stay his friend unless he picks on me again (He hasn't done it that much recently, just been distant) , and then I'll do what you suggested.


This post actually helped me a lot and gave me a lot to think about, so thanks for that.

W has both been a good friend and helped me out a lot, and insulted me about things such as being unathletic or having Aspergers. I have insulted him back before, but I have thought about this before and your post helped me remember.

I think what I'm going to do is

I understand. You need to do what you think feels right and good for you.

I know when it comes to myself, I seem to need to learn things the hard way, cuz then I know for myself.

If you need to talk more, let me know.

 

[Stik]

I absolutely hated middle school and I had only a few friends and we were in different classrooms. I'm not really sure how I survived but one way I got someone to stop physically bullying me was stand up for myself finally. It helped that we were the only two in the hallway. He was about to hit me with his binder and I grabbed and threw it as far as I could and told him to knock it off and probably some swearing. He didn't bug me after that. Not completely sure why but it worked. He hit me, spit on me and called me names. When I was in school I didn't know why I was so different so it was very hard to make it through. My grades went from straight a's to d's and f's. Anyway, I noticed people started talking to me more and not messing with me when I started sticking up for myself. Bullies like easy targets. Don't take his crap and don't let people try to manipulate you.

In high school I had another bully and people started calling me a witch because I wore mostly black. So, I decided to take advantage of it and started staring at people that I didn't like and said I was putting a spell on them or cursing them. They eventually stopped bugging me. There was another occasion where I bumped into someone and he got all pissy and said eeeewwwwwwww don't touch me. So I hugged him.

I know this is a lot but another thing that helped me through middle school is finding out what I'm good at and drowning myself in it. I would draw all the time and later started playing the drums. I found when you get really good at something some people stop to talk to you about it rather than bully you. It can be anything, a sport, art, music, and even math or science.

There are still bullies as an adult and I just don't take their crap anymore. When someone is mean to me I call them out on it. Some people don't even realize they're doing it. The older I get the easier it gets. Good luck and stay strong. If you're book smart, get your GED when you can and go to college. That's what I did after dropping out in tenth grade. College is waaaaaaaaaaay better and people are more mature. I'm not sure about a university though.

 

[paloftoon]

You might want to consider cyber school if your parents will let you attend. Maybe try to get your friend W to go with you if his/her parents are okay with it too. If neutral with S doesn't work, don't let him/her walk all over you.

If someone is getting physical with you, you tell an adult immediately. That kind of abuse CANNOT be tolerated.

 

[Ylva]

There's one person who I know has ADHD who has had an on/off friendship with me for the past few years, where it was either he was a friend and we hung out and played video games, or he bullied me and really wasn't a nice person (Constantly calling me names, making fun of me for every little thing, picking fights with me physically and verbally, trying to get my other classmates to pick on me as well, etc)

I had this exact thing with a girl in sixth and seventh grade. She didn't have ADD as far as I'm aware, and she bullied like a girl, but the rest fits. Come eighth grade I'd had enough and, through no real decision on my part, I started ignoring her. She did not matter.

After I grew up I've though that maybe her "off" periods were motivated by my inadvertently offending her. It happens.

 

[midlife aspie]

I'm not sure it is wise for you to continue to associate with W as long as he is friends with S. W is essentially 'dancing at two weddings'. It will be best if you can muster the courage to strike back at S when he gets physical with you. You will get into trouble, no doubt, but weigh that against the consequences of letting the situation continue. I was in your very shoes when your age. Image is everything in school, and the kid who projects as weak has a poor image and other kids don't like to associate with him as equals. Taking the advice of 'tell an adult' will only escalate your troubles, and make you look weaker. Fighting back is NOT about 'winning' or 'losing' or 'beating up'; it is about self respect. The kid who demonstrates no self respect can expect no respect from his school peers. These bullies are testing you. I tried every option short of fighting to stop those brutes, but ONLY fighting back worked. Get your image repaired now. I suspect at some point you may want to date or ask girls to dances, let me assure you, the kid with the poor image will either get no dates, or he will end up with a 'sympathy' date. They suck. I have been where you are.

 

[CanadianCyanide]

Thanks so much for this reply. I definitely agree that it isn't a good idea to stay friends with W. I've noticed that the replies here have been very accurate, and that W really isn't much better than S in the sense that he'll make fun of me and pretend to be my friend afterwards. I've just been keeping my distance from him over the past couple weeks, but I'm happy that I've been able to remain neutral with him.

In the past I would fight back when S was deliberately starting a fight with me (e.g. shoving), but the issue is that now that he's a lot bigger than me, I was letting him push me around a bit when he wasn't clearly starting a fight (e.g. repeatedly poking me with a marker). I'll work on repairing my image, but I only have another year left at my current school so it'll be more practice for when I have a fresh start in high school than anything.

I've started hanging out again with a friend who I've known for a while who's in the grade below me, and I've been getting along well with him. But I've realized that it's a bit hard for me to make friends at my current school because most of the people in my grade have picked on me at some point or another, and there's a lot of people (mainly in my current class) who will bully me often to the point where it feels like the whole class is against me. Some days, most of the class will be neutral, and I'll have some good conversations with a few people in my class who share some of my interests, and other days, a few people will be insulting me and calling me names all at once. Will fixing my image help with this?

 

[paloftoon]

I'd say "fixing your image" could be more along the lines either building yourself physically or academically, but still being yourself as much as feasibly and acceptably possible.

 

[CanadianCyanide]

I'm already doing really well academically, so most of the time when I'm bullied it comes from social issues, being unathletic, and doing poorly in French. One issue is that everyone at my school picks on me from stuff in the past, so while I have a bad image here, I have a better image in some other groups (e.g. summer camps)

 

[paloftoon]

Right, so if you're great academically, you can consider looking into options to make you more toward a gifted learner. If you can get so advanced on your own, and if your parents are open to cyber school for instance, you could end up transferring there next school year and taking some advanced classes. This is a long term solution to help you with your future, but also a good way to avoid the bullies who interfere with the quality of your education in a brick and mortar setting, especially since you are unathletic as I am.

 

[CanadianCyanide]

I think that I want to stick with going to a physical school because there are some really good high school programs in my city, and while there are bullies, there will also most likely be a lot of people with similar interests in the programs, plus there will be some clubs I can join.

Also, my parents ended up talking to the teacher, who talked to the people who were bullying me, and they've been friendly since. So I don't think I'll have much of a problem at this school.