DogwoodTree
Still here...
Take 'em or leave 'em?
I've never really enjoyed hugs, except from my kids when they're small. As they get bigger, hugs are less and less comfortable with them. And my son who shows aspie traits is similarly uncomfortable with hugs, rarely giving them and never really melting into a hug.
But as I've made my discomfort with hugs known to a few people close to me, who then attempt to back off and give me more space, I actually feel left out. I see them giving and receiving hugs with others, and it hurts inside that I don't have that with them, that comfort with and from physical affection.
It hurts to get/give hugs, but it also hurts not to. I try to fill the void with alternatives, like words of affection (which don't come naturally for me, either), or time with them. But I also really need alone time right now, more than ever before in my life. It's like I'm making up for so many decades of trying to be what everyone wants me to be, and it's all come caving in on me.
I don't know who I am anymore. I don't know what I need or want. I feel like I exist inside this Faraday cage, where no (or very little) relational energy gets in or out.
I have very deep feelings, but can't communicate them. I feel a passionate and devoted love for my family and friends, but it seems like everything I do to express that just comes out wrong or not at all. Love, in my life, is being reduced to a series of actions and sacrifices, not real connection. It's not like I don't have people around me who love me, because I do. But I feel like I exist inside this deep, dark prison cell, with all of the world moving along just fine outside the prison walls.
When I try to accept this reality, the suffocating depression weighs in on me. When I try to fight my way out, the emotional roller coaster is traumatizing, unpredictable, and exhausting.
I've never really enjoyed hugs, except from my kids when they're small. As they get bigger, hugs are less and less comfortable with them. And my son who shows aspie traits is similarly uncomfortable with hugs, rarely giving them and never really melting into a hug.
But as I've made my discomfort with hugs known to a few people close to me, who then attempt to back off and give me more space, I actually feel left out. I see them giving and receiving hugs with others, and it hurts inside that I don't have that with them, that comfort with and from physical affection.
It hurts to get/give hugs, but it also hurts not to. I try to fill the void with alternatives, like words of affection (which don't come naturally for me, either), or time with them. But I also really need alone time right now, more than ever before in my life. It's like I'm making up for so many decades of trying to be what everyone wants me to be, and it's all come caving in on me.
I don't know who I am anymore. I don't know what I need or want. I feel like I exist inside this Faraday cage, where no (or very little) relational energy gets in or out.
I have very deep feelings, but can't communicate them. I feel a passionate and devoted love for my family and friends, but it seems like everything I do to express that just comes out wrong or not at all. Love, in my life, is being reduced to a series of actions and sacrifices, not real connection. It's not like I don't have people around me who love me, because I do. But I feel like I exist inside this deep, dark prison cell, with all of the world moving along just fine outside the prison walls.
When I try to accept this reality, the suffocating depression weighs in on me. When I try to fight my way out, the emotional roller coaster is traumatizing, unpredictable, and exhausting.
well, maybe it doesn't apply for everybody. I find that some people are just more "huggable" as well 
