How can I make it happen at my age?

[Judge]

If I learned anything, it’s that dating in the culture I live in is very rough and has made me feel discouraged.

Small wonder. I've always thought that dating itself contrasted in every conceivable way in which I am autistic. To accept the idea that we can comfortably socialize in a situation full of unwritten rules and rituals....that it borders on being preposterous.

It's why long ago I settled for comfortably making friends rather than go through such an ordeal that is contrary to who and what I am. And that on occasion such friendships blossomed into something more. But as always, with no guarantees.

 

[Markness]

Small wonder. I've always thought that dating itself contrasted in every conceivable way in which I am autistic. To accept the idea that we can comfortably socialize in a situation full of unwritten rules and rituals....that it borders on being preposterous.

It's why long ago I settled for comfortably making friends rather than go through such an ordeal that is contrary to who and what I am. And that on occasion such friendships blossomed into something more. But as always, with no guarantees.

In the crummy culture I live in, men and women are pressured to only have platonic friendships with the same sex and to see the opposite sex only as objects who you can get money, sex, or both out of. I don’t like it and I’ve spoken out against it only to get laughed at.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

Tony, just try a dating app or online dating. Let us know how it goes for you.

I have given dating apps as well as sites chances before. I even did some speed dating and consulted two different dating agencies.

After posting this and yes @Markness I was thinking of what you went through with dating apps I did not even bother to attempt it.

I'm petrified to even try online dating.

My yoga teacher, my therapist and people here say try online dating to get a girlfriend. They say my current methods of going to places to meet people is not currently working and it is not due to many failures. Even talking to these people here about they assure going to these places I will not...

www.autismforums.com

 

[Judge]

In the crummy culture I live in, men and women are pressured to only have platonic friendships with the same sex and to see the opposite sex only as objects who you can get money, sex, or both out of. I don’t like it and I’ve spoken out against it only to get laughed at.

I always had far more platonic relationships with women than men. My own choice, and not from any peer pressure of others. I also had some friends in the gay community I worked with, and didn't care what anyone thought about that.

Too much reliance on the thoughts or opinions of others seems to be a real liability for you. Maybe it's finally time for you to put them all on ignore and rely on gut instinct rather than social pressure. Where you just might find that your own instincts serve you better than that of anyone else.

Ironic in that as much as others continue to give you so much grief you still continue to gravitate towards their perspective rather than your own. I find that terribly disconcerting.

It's true that more often than not that "perception is reality". That you first need to change your perception, to then change your reality.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

No, I didn’t get any dates from those endeavors. I only got repeat headaches and disappointments as well as insomnia.

Exactly why I don't want to try except for insomnia which I have now I would get severely depressed and shun my friendships with married people who will want to comfort and hang out with me I would be a big mess. I might stop doing yoga. When I go out I would even start to snap at random couples on the street I know myself and this would happen.

 

[Markness]

I always had far more platonic relationships with women than men. My own choice, and not from any peer pressure of others.

Too much reliance on the thoughts or opinions of others seems to be a real liability for you. Maybe it's finally time for you to put them all on ignore and rely on gut instinct rather than social pressure. Where you just might find that your own instincts serve you better than that of anyone else.

Ironic in that as much as others continue to give you so much grief you still continue to gravitate towards their perspective rather than your own. I find that terribly disconcerting.

It’s not that I didn’t want platonic friendships with women. I actually had some in my development years but they ended. I didn’t want them to end.

 

[Judge]

It’s not that I didn’t want platonic friendships with women. I actually had some in my development years but they ended. I didn’t want them to end.

That's happened to me as well. But "it goes with the territory". So many factors in today's life that splits people apart- even good friends. More often jobs than anything else in my case.

 

[Misty Avich]

Had I given up when it all seemed hopeless, I would never have met my beautiful wife.

I did kind of give up, at only 24. I kept getting upset that all my peers were in relationships and I thought I was undesirable...to single men (married men seemed to like me but that was no good). So I gave up looking for a relationship and focused on my job, my charity work and my friends instead (I had finally found some decent friends by then). Then about a week later I met the man who is my husband now. I came out of my house one summer morning in 2014, and after that morning I haven't been single since, ever. I can happily say it was the best day of my life.

I'm not rubbing it in or anything, I'm just proving that this could happen to you. And I want it to happen to you.

 

[Markness]

I did kind of give up, at only 24. I kept getting upset that all my peers were in relationships and I thought I was undesirable...to single men (married men seemed to like me but that was no good). So I gave up looking for a relationship and focused on my job, my charity work and my friends instead (I had finally found some decent friends by then). Then about a week later I met the man who is my husband now. I came out of my house one summer morning in 2014, and after that morning I haven't been single since, ever. I can happily say it was the best day of my life.

I'm not rubbing it in or anything, I'm just proving that this could happen to you. And I want it to happen to you.

Do you mean me?

 

[Misty Avich]

Do you mean me?

Yes, and all the other guys here who are in a similar situation. I want the same that happened to me to happen to you, where you'll get a lovely surprise when you least expect it.

 

[Neri]

Personally, I think the mental health issues need to take precedence.

My current partner met me when I was reeeeaaaalllly depressed and quite shattered. My self esteem was very poor and I was a hot mess in so many ways.

He was wise enough to push me away when I was pursuing him. And in rather typical Autistic+ADHD fashion, I got reeeeaaaallly obsessed with him. Many crying fits in the shower later ...things picked up.

I prioritised working on myself. Addressing my health, working out and walking a lot, studying, volunteering, practicing my craft of being a vocalist and songwriter, getting some mental health support, finding a job; just trying my best to attend to my responsibilities and bettering myself.

It was a rocky start and it hurt to be rejected but I just threw myself into self improvement and it paid off in the end.
I had to prove to him that I respected him and his boundaries, because he was extremely burnt from previous relationships (he's also on the spectrum). I had to be content with just friendship at a certain point. But the focusing on self improvement and mental health were very attractive to him
I proved to him that I had integrity. I proved to him that I had substance. I proved my genuine feelings for HIM as a person.
We are happily in our 14th year now. And the love and positive regard continue to grow.
Bare in mind that I was 37 when we met, and he was 44. And we are both autists who have suffered a lot of awful social experiences prior to meeting each other.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

Yes, and all the other guys here who are in a similar situation. I want the same that happened to me to happen to you, where you'll get a lovely surprise when you least expect it.

Yeah and pigs will fly. Not in a million years will that happen to me. I been waiting my entire lonely life starting to get out and socialize for over 4 1/2 years and all I encounter are mostly taken women everywhere with very few single women not interested in me at all. I feel like giving up.

 

[Cryptid]

Yeah and pigs will fly. Not in a million years will that happen to me.

And THAT is why you fail, young padawan.

 

[buoy]

But the focusing on self improvement and mental health were very attractive to him

Yes, that is attractive. Seeing a person strive and thrive despite their shortcomings or unfavorable circumstances, not giving up on themselves, not constantly wallowing in self-pity or expecting others to save them from themselves, taking full responsibility for their own life.

Life is not perfect, people are not perfect. It does seem like an unpleasant perspective to first work hard on yourself to be the kind of person you and others would actually like to be around, then put yourself out there over and over again and go through multiple unsuitable people to find the ones that match well with you...be it platonic or romantic...but it needs to be done if you want to be around people. It obviously doesn't guarantee eternal happiness, but if you don't do something about the things you want to happen then nothing ever changes.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

And THAT is why you fail, young padawan.

I tried just about everything with the same outcome. Don't mention online dating.

 

[Steelbookcollector217]

I did kind of give up, at only 24. I kept getting upset that all my peers were in relationships and I thought I was undesirable...to single men (married men seemed to like me but that was no good). So I gave up looking for a relationship and focused on my job, my charity work and my friends instead (I had finally found some decent friends by then). Then about a week later I met the man who is my husband now. I came out of my house one summer morning in 2014, and after that morning I haven't been single since, ever. I can happily say it was the best day of my life.

I'm not rubbing it in or anything, I'm just proving that this could happen to you. And I want it to happen to you.

Me and lots of people are jealous of you because not everybody gets to meet their person while still in their twenties

 

[Misty Avich]

Me and lots of people are jealous of you because not everybody gets to meet their person while still in their twenties

Hmm, maybe I shouldn't share my input in these threads because whatever I say might be wrong.

 

[tree]

@Misty Avich

Other people having feelings of jealousy doesn't
mean that you are wrong. You're not taunting
anyone or claiming that somehow you're better
than they are.

 

[Misty Avich]

@Misty Avich

Other people having feelings of jealousy doesn't
mean that you are wrong. You're not taunting
anyone or claiming that somehow you're better
than they are.

I know, I don't mean I think I'm wrong, but I feel that whatever I say is making it worse for people in threads like these.

 

[Steelbookcollector217]

@Misty Avich

Other people having feelings of jealousy doesn't
mean that you are wrong. You're not taunting
anyone or claiming that somehow you're better
than they are.

Yeah I'm still healing from a failed relationship which makes me filled with a lot of bitterness and resentment because it didn't feel like a true relationship which I described in other other posts I made