How can I make it happen at my age?

[Markness]

Hmm, maybe I shouldn't share my input in these threads because whatever I say might be wrong.

I always value your input and I don’t feel jealous of you. Please don’t be discouraged.

 

[Cryptid]

Hmm, maybe I shouldn't share my input in these threads because whatever I say might be wrong.

If it is wrong, it will be likely criticized; but If it is correct, it will likely be ignored instead.

 

[Misty Avich]

If it is wrong, it will be likely criticized; but If it is correct, it will likely be ignored instead.

Well I'm not likely to say anything wrong as such, but because this is a sore subject and a lot of people are bitter, whatever I say will likely be wrong.

 

[Cryptid]

^ Okay, I see your point.

If what you post is not specifically wrong -- that is, if it goes along with the idea that people need to be attractive to those they want to attract, instead of just hitting on random strangers -- then the only people likely to criticize will be those who believe the universe somehow "owes" them relationships for merely existing.

It is as if some people treat relationships like participation trophies, which are "awarded" just for showing up.

 

[Misty Avich]

If you say people have got to be attractive to be attracted, it might get misinterpreted as calling them ugly. And I don't think any of these guys here are ugly (I've seen a photo of some of them). Markness is quite cute, and judging by Tony's avatar he's quite cute too.

 

[tree]

Well I'm not likely to say anything wrong as such, but because this is a sore subject and a lot of people are bitter, whatever I say will likely be wrong.

Wrong how?

I know, I don't mean I think I'm wrong, but I feel that whatever I say is making it worse for people in threads like these.

How do you figure that sharing your experiences makes it worse for people?

At no time have I seen you insist that people must react one way or another
to what you have to say.

People's feelings toward events depend on what they tell themselves about
the events, not the events themselves.

 

[Mary Terry]

Hmm, maybe I shouldn't share my input in these threads because whatever I say might be wrong

I certainly understand why you would feel that way. This thread is exposing the despicable attitudes of incels.

Please keep on posting. We cannot "fix" these men who are incapable of forming relationships with women, who refuse to consider suggestions and encouragement from people like you and I, who are jealous of you and other people in relationships, and who refuse to look at themselves and their attitudes to determine why women do not want to enter relationships with them. We can try to help them see themselves in a realistic and objective light, but don't be surprised if you just get your head bit off for trying to help them. No good deed goes unpunished.

 

[Misty Avich]

Well I do feel sorry for people on the spectrum who struggle with finding a relationship and feel lonely and frustrated. Loneliness can do harm. It did me, when I was younger and rejected by my peers and made to feel worthless, like my feelings didn't matter, even though I was expected to use up all my energy considering THEIR feelings all the time. Yet people say we lack empathy. I think we are born to have empathy but with the way society lacks empathy for us I think a lot of us give up on trying to give people what they don't give us.
Thankfully I have a supportive and loving family, but sadly not everyone has that.

 

[Steelbookcollector217]

Yeah social skills are everything and they definitely matter for men more than women

 

[Markness]

If you say people have got to be attractive to be attracted, it might get misinterpreted as calling them ugly. And I don't think any of these guys here are ugly (I've seen a photo of some of them). Markness is quite cute, and judging by Tony's avatar he's quite cute too.

Thank you for your kindness!

I don’t worry if I am unattractive so much as I worry about having to drastically change who I am. I used to constantly get pressured to suppress my emotions, pump iron like crazy, wear “yuppie clothes”, go to church every Sunday, and only be interested in war movies, country music, and hand egg (American football) as well as cars and guns.

 

[tree]

Who was pressuring you towards those goals?

Someone with stereotypical ideas of what males should be interested in, sure.
But who?

 

[Markness]

Who was pressuring you towards those goals?

Someone with stereotypical ideas of what males should be interested in, sure.
But who?

My mother, my older brother, male gym teachers, a female personal trainer hired by my mother and previous stepfather, my current stepfather, and some ex-friends.

 

[tree]

All of them meant well, no doubt.
Wanted you to *fit in.*

 

[Misty Avich]

My mother, my older brother, male gym teachers, a female personal trainer hired by my mother and previous stepfather, my current stepfather, and some ex-friends.

Yes, it is hard not to listen to your mother and other relatives and friends. My mother was loving and caring and decent and everything, and I was so close to her that I looked up to her and thought she knew all the answers. So whatever she said I took as fact, not naively as such, but because she was my mum I just listened to every word she said and valued it. But the reality is, like all humans, she didn't know everything, especially the negative stuff. She had bad experiences in her life and very low self-esteem so some of what she said was false negatives. So when I was a teenager and expressed how much I really wanted a boyfriend, she said that I had to be loud and confident to be able to attract boys. My heart sank, as I was far from loud or confident, and I decided I was undateable for a while, until I left school and met men that weren't shallow stupid schoolboys.
Then before I met my husband my mum said that she didn't think I'd be able to cope with a relationship. I knew I would, as I had a lot of love in me to give. After I met my boyfriend I said to my mum that I could naturally cope in a relationship, and she admitted she was wrong about me and that she was proud of me, not only for coping well but for meeting a decent man.

 

[Cryptid]

If you say people have got to be attractive to be attracted, it might get misinterpreted as calling them ugly. . .

If that is how someone misinterprets my statement, then the misinterpretation is on them, not me.

If person A wants to attract person B, then person A must first be attractive to person B. Note that the statement ends with ". . . attractive to person B". That is, the person whom A wants to attract must find person A attractive. "Targeted Marketing", I think it's called -- sell yourself as a custom-made product to your target customer (or target customer base).

A man who is intelligent, educated, and musically talented will likely attract a woman who has similar qualities. A man who has no job, no education, and could not carry a tune in a bucket will likely attract a woman who is jobless, ignorant, and talentless.

Thus, if a man wants to attract a woman who would enjoy being his "traditional domestic partner", then he might do well by having a steady full-time job that allows him to purchase (or rent) a home in a nice neighborhood near a school.

OR if a man wants to establish a relationship with a shallow, vain, high-classed fashion model, then he should focus on becoming wealthy, buff, and socially/politically influential.

Do you see what I am getting at? No one needs to be perfect in every way to attract a mate -- they need only be attractive to the type of mate they want.

I wanted to attract an intelligent, educated, Christian woman, so I worked on my own education and Christian values. The end result being a wife who not only met my "standards", but exceeded them in both intellect and appearance (i.e., she is smarter and better-looking than I), as well.

Otherwise, a man could put himself out there as-is, and hope some random woman takes a liking to him. May as well try to pull a Pokemon card from a Tarot deck.

 

[Markness]

All of them meant well, no doubt.
Wanted you to *fit in.*

View attachment 122240

In my mother’s case, it was also because she didn’t want to be judged by others for how my siblings and I behaved. She cared more about appearances than our emotions.

 

[tree]

In my mother’s case, it was also because she didn’t want to be judged by others for how my siblings and I behaved. She cared more about appearances than our emotions.

Yes, there is that aspect.
Her pride.

 

[Steelbookcollector217]

That's why I have no regrets going to escorts for sex workers or paying for sex since I was not getting my sexual needs or wants met in my last relationship, as controversial as that is

 

[Tony Ramirez]

That's why I have no regrets going to escorts for sex workers or paying for sex since I was not getting my sexual needs or wants met in my last relationship, as controversial as that is

Didn't Mark say it was illegal in in the state of Texas where he lives when someone recommended it.

 

[tree]

Didn't Mark say it was illegal in in the state of Texas where he lives when someone recommended it.

Yes.

The individual who made the comment in Post #78 doesn't live in Texas.

Markness does live in Texas.